Missing My Girl

Sometimes I'm still shocked at the randomness of grief.  As the 3 year "anniversary" of Hailey's death quickly approaches I feel my emotions becoming more and more raw.  I didn't think it would be possible, but I miss her more now than I did in those first few days, weeks, and months after she passed away.  I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that August 11th of this year will mark the day that Hailey has been gone longer than she was here.  Although deep down inside I know it's just a date and doesn't define my relationship with her, it still terrifies me that once that day passes I'll feel further away from her than ever before and with each passing day after the 11th our bond will become less and less.  

I used to feel her around me all the time.  Although she was gone physically I felt her stronger spiritually than I could have ever imagined. I think I actually felt closer to her and more bonded to her after she passed away than before.  I felt like we became friends and I would talk to her as if she were older and wiser...and I know she is.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was always with me, watching over me, walking beside me, talking to me (or whispering in my ear), and of course, sending me dimes as often as possible.  

But I'm really struggling right now because I haven't felt her around in quite a while now, several months to be exact.  I don't feel her peace and comfort nearby and I honestly cannot remember that last time I've found a dime.  (I looked and prayed and asked and looked some more on Mother's Day, but to my surprise and much disappointment I never found one.)  I guess I came to rely on those little silver circles to keep me feeling connected and loved.  

Of course I know that she hasn't forgotten me.  And the way I believe, religiously, is that she's probably off on some mission teaching others who have died all about Jesus.  I know she's busy and being used to her full potential, but sometimes I get frustrated and think, "What about me?  I still need you too."  Just maybe there's someone else who needs her more than me right now. 


I've prayed about it a lot and feel that the answer I always receive is to be patient and my time will come again.  She's busy, but definitely not gone and if I just remain faithful I'll be rewarded.  So, I'm doing just that and I know that the time will come when I feel Hailey back by my side again.


I know this all may sound very weird to some of you and that's completely okay with me.  However, it is very real to me.  I know that Hailey is just as much alive in spirit now as she was when she was in her body.  I believe she is just in a different place than me.  One example I used to explain it to Lexi is that her relatives on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is even though she can't physically see them right now.  That is what I believe about Hailey.  Unfortunately, no one has invented telephones, or even better, Skype that reaches Heaven yet, but with the way technology advances everyday I'm not giving up hope!!!  


So as of right now, I'm missing her a lot and wondering what the heck she's doing and where she is.  But I'm going to continue being patient and holding out for when the moment arises that I feel her in my presence again.