This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Feeling A Little Uneasy

Normally I would be asleep by now, but not tonight.  It's 12:01am to be exact, and my heart is full of longing for my little Hailey.  Christmas is only 3 days away and I'm missing her and aching for her more and more each day.  As much as I want to think this Christmas is going to be easier than last, I have to admit that I'm feeling very uneasy about it.  Every time I think of last year my stomach does somersaults and my heart aches.  It was definitely the most excruciating day of my entire life, aside from the actual day Hailey passed away. 

Although, I don't outwardly show it, I am still carrying a lot of pain and heartache with me every single second of every single day.  Having both girls home this past week and all next week leads me to constantly wonder where Hailey would have fit into the mix.  What would we all be doing together?  Would Hailey and Lexi actually be getting along and playing together, instead of Lexi playing by herself?  I was home with Hailey all day everyday for three years, which means that I face her loss all day, everyday now.  Sometimes its hardest when Lexi is at school and Ava is napping and its just me alone, yet other times its hardest when we're all together as a family and she's missing.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive and focus on the good things about this year.  Thanksgiving went very well, better than I had expected.  And the fact that we were just able to help five other families in need with donations given to us in Hailey's honor is definitely uplifting, not to mention, this new little baby on the way.  But, even those things don't come close to taking away that emptiness I feel inside for Hailey.  

Christmas shopping was very difficult for me.  As I made out lists of what to get the girls and then walked the aisles of the stores, I couldn't help but look around and wonder what Hailey would have wanted.  What would have brought her beautiful smile out on Christmas morning?  

I absolutely hate the fact that I have to spend another Christmas (the rest of my Christmases) without her here.  I absolutely hate the fact that I didn't get to see her sit on Santa's lap excitedly telling him what she wants.  I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to tuck her into her warm bed in her new p.j.'s on Christmas eve and kiss her little head as she is bouncing with anticipation for the following morning.  I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to watch her face light up as she races down the stairs on Christmas morning to open her presents.  And I absolutely hate the fact that I have to go visit my precious daughter at the cemetery on Christmas.

Gosh, I hate to be a downer so close to Christmas, but it's rough.  There's so much joy and excitement around during the holidays and I'm trying my best to take that in and remember all the things I still have to be grateful for.  I love my family so much and I am thrilled to be able to spend Christmas with them!  I still have two beautiful girls here and a new baby on the way!  And my husband is the most wonderful, supportive man I could ask for!  Plus, I still have so much support from all of you who continue to stand beside me and walk this journey with me.  Thank you for that.

Anyways, the anticipation and uneasiness of Christmas Eve and Day is practically killing me, so I just needed to get it off my chest.  I'm praying my little heart out that it will be a little easier than last year and I won't have another emotional breakdown like I did then.  But, I am nervous.  

The one thing that has given me just a little comfort here and there is a poem I posted last year around Christmas that I'll share in closing:

Christmas In Heaven

I see so many Christmas trees
around the world below.

 With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

 The sight is so spectacular!
Please wipe away that tear.

For I am spending Christmas,
with Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs, 
that people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,
with the Christmas choir here.

I have no words to tell you
the joy their voices bring.

 For it's beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me.
I see pain in your heart.

And even though I'm far away,
we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me special one.
You know I hold you dear.

Be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year!

I'm sending you a special gift
from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory
of my undying love.

Please don't forget "love" is the gift
more precious than all gold.

It was always most important
in the stories God has told.

Please love and treat each other
As God has said to do.

For I cannot count the blessings
or the love He's sent for you.

So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear.

Remember that I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year!


  1. Oh wow. I have to tell you that every time I mention the baby I lost (even to strangers) I still get tears in my eyes. And it was over 5 years ago- and I didn't have 3 years to get used to him being in my life. Your heartbreak is never going to be 100% gone. But you have such a strong and positive way of celebrating Hailey that I can't imagine that the Lord is not going to support you if you ask Him. Ask Shawn for a blessing- or anyone else for that matter. It will help a lot. We love you and are praying for you and your family.

    Patty (Bell) Sampson

  2. so sorry for your loss, your daughter is such a precious cutie. I found this blog via mormontimes link I think. I will come back and read more. When you talked about not being able to tuck in your precious daughter, maybe this sounds kind of crazy. But last year our ward lost a young mother of 3 boys, she passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Since then, sometimes I've thought about how hard it must be for her to not raise her sons. And I've thought about situations when babies die young. It has made me think that perhaps those moms/dads who pass from mortality early get to play a special role in caring for and welcoming and comforting the spirits of those babies and children who die too young. just a thought but one that gives me comfort and makes sense. Best wishes in your contined healing.