This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Monday, November 15, 2010

It Doesn't Always Get Easier With Time

The title says it all.  I have to say, that in a lot of ways, that for me personally, it has gotten a little harder.  It could have to do with the pregnancy, but honestly, I don't think it's all that.  I'm definitely more emotional and quick to shed tears, but it's the deep rooted pain that seems to be the worst.

I used to always say that I wish I'd cry easier and now that it's happening I'm not so sure I want that.  It's very rare that I cry in front of people, for any reason, but especially Hailey.  I'm not sure why...maybe because I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop.  You know how when you're trying so hard not to cry and someone gives you a hug and it just causes the tear ducts to overflow?...well, maybe that's what I'm so scared of.  Or maybe it's just that I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable.  I mean, honestly, it would make me uncomfortable if I were them.  I've personally experienced losing a child, yet I still don't think I'd know exactly what to say or how to comfort someone else going through it.  So how is someone who's never been there supposed to help comfort the sobbing mess that would be me?  Anyways, I do find myself crying pretty much everyday.  Sometimes at the most random times and things. Sometimes much more than others. 

I just miss her soooooooo much.  Some days it is almost unbearable.  I get so lonely without her, especially when Ava is napping for several hours and I'm home.  The funny thing is that I'm not lonely being "alone," I'm just lonely being without her, if that makes any sense.  Being with other people or keeping busy doesn't help with this kind of loneliness because it's all about her.  I want her.

I think part of the reason I feel so lonely without her and I miss her so much is because it feels like she's slowly slipping away from me.  Not her spirit, but her as a human being.  I knew her as a 3-year old.  I knew her likes and dislikes, the things that excited her, the things that made her yell her cute little head off, etc.  But now, when I think about her I'm lead to wonder who she would be today.  I can't answer any of those above questions for Hailey as she would be today and honestly, that sucks.  It hurts.  I often find myself looking around when we're together as a family and wondering where she would be in the mix.  What would she be doing at that moment?  What would she be saying?  Even, where would she be sitting?  

I know it's not good to dwell on those thoughts and I don't.  But I do think them about a hundred times a day.  It's the not knowing, the wondering that kills me sometimes.  I try to tell myself that there's no point even going there because that Hailey didn't and doesn't exist right now, but really, I dare anyone in my shoes to try not going there!  It's almost impossible.

Anyways, I just had to share all that and get it off my chest.  My faith is still as strong as ever.  Hailey is still spiritually as close as ever...the proof is in the dimes I still find just when I need them!  But the grief and pain is also still as strong as ever.

Maybe even a little stronger sometimes.

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