This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm Pregnant!

I started documenting my pregnancy journey as soon as I found out, so here it is from the beginning until now! 

Wednesday, September 29th

Oh my gosh, I just found out I'm pregnant!  Sean and I have gone through much thought, prayer, consideration, even heartache to arrive at the decision to try for another baby.  It all came down to us knowing that we would never regret having another baby, but could possibly regret not doing it.  So here we are, no regrets.

When I first saw the positive test I was shocked.  We hadn't expected it to happen so quickly.  Then, I got really excited, only to be overcome with sadness and grief in the same 10 minute period.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I was going to have another baby and Hailey wasn't going to physically be here to celebrate and experience it all with us.  I would never have a complete family photo with all my children.  I would never have a complete picture of all my children together in their Halloween costumes or on Christmas morning or just hanging with the family.  I was moving forward in my life, in a huge way, without Hailey.

I sat on the couch and broke down. It hit like a tons of many thoughts and emotions flooding through me like I've never felt before.  I felt guilty, as if I was betraying Hailey for feeling excited.  Yet on the other hand, I felt guilty, and as if I was betraying this new baby for feeling sad and crying.  I was so confused and torn.  As I cried, I then began to worry that something would be wrong with this baby, too.  How was I going to handle that?  I couldn't do it all again.  Hailey was my special so many ways.  I couldn't go through that with another baby.  I couldn't deal with the worry, uncertainty, highs and then lows, pains and triumphs, heartaches and joys.  My mind was a tornado of thoughts and emotions, some very realistic, while others just plain crazy.

As I sat there in that moment, I heard this voice in my head say, "It's okay Mom.  All will be fine.  I've got it covered."  The voice and impression was so strong...something I literally cannot put into words.  It was absolutely "amayzing!" Well, then I cried even harder...good tears this time.  I knew then that Hailey would be as much a part of this baby's life from Heaven as she would have been from here on Earth.  I'm still not totally thrilled that she won't physically be here, or even close to okay with it, but I have no choice in the matter, so I'll take whatever she'll give us!

Sunday, October 3rd

Yesterday I found out I have a sinus infection and didn't know what to do.  I am in serious pain and feel horrible.  A friend of mine, who's a nurse, told me to call my ob/gyn and tell her the situation.  So, I did.  Of course, I haven't been in to see her yet because it's been less than a week that I've even know I'm pregnant.  She gave me a prescription and told me that she was very confident that it would in no way harm the baby.   She said it was much better to take the medication now before it got worse or I ended up with flu or something else.

One of the reasons I am so uneasy about taking any medication is because Hailey's esophagus defect happened within the first 6-8 weeks of development.  Every single one of her doctor's have assured me that it was nothing that I did to cause it; it was just a fluke thing in the development.  Even so, as her mother, I still wonder if I did something wrong.  So the thought of doing anything that could even remotely cause problems to this baby not only terrifies me, but sickens me.  I asked the doctor if she were me and pregnant and had the history I did with Hailey if she would still take the medication and she assured me that she would.  So, I reluctantly had her call it in.

I didn't pick it up last night because I still wasn't sure of what to do.  This morning, however, I woke up and felt even worse and finally decided to go get it. Sean was completely supportive of my decision to take the medication.  But, on the way to the pharmacy I was still bothered by it and decided to call my sister for some advice or reassurance.  She didn't answer...thanks Kim!  Then I called my parents.  They didn't answer either...nice.  Lastly, I called my nurse friend who originally told me to call the doctor the day before.  Do ya think she answered?  Of course not.  

That's when I realized why no one was answering.  I was seeking reassurance from everyone except the one who knew all and could give it to me right then and there...God.  I knew He would answer!!  So I prayed.  I told Him everything about how I felt and how uneasy I was about this whole medication thing.  I needed to know that it was okay.  I told Him about Hailey and how much I swear I heard her tell me she was watching over this baby and I really wanted to know if that was true. 

So I went to three different stores to get a humidifier filter and my medication.  I paid at two of the three stores with not me!!  I never have cash.  Anyways, both times I paid with cash, when the cashier handed me back my change a dime dropped and landed tails up!  It was so crazy.  The first time it happened I didn't really think anything of it because everyone drops change sometimes.  However, I'm assuming that Hailey wanted to make sure that I did think something of it because it happened a second time at a different store.  Both times I had a full hand of change, but only one dime dropped and landed tails up!  That was all I needed to know!

It was her I heard the other day and she does have it all covered.  She's going to watch over her baby brother or sister and I don't need to worry.  I love my girl...and the Lord too!  I am so blessed. 


Well I'm sure it has something to do with the pregnancy, but my emotions have been crazy this past couple weeks.  I've been brought to tears at least once a day...sometimes by the most unexpected things.

For instance, the other day I was driving Lexi to school and passed by my neighbor's work building.  He was the one that Hailey absolutely adored.  Now, I drive by his building every single day while taking Lexi to school and never before has it invoked such emotion in me.  I began thinking of the day Hailey died.  He met us there at the emergency room and was giving Hailey a blessing when the doctor called her time of death.  I remember him collapsing in sobs, just as Sean and I did.  He loved her so much, probably as much as possible without being her actual father.  That memory and the thought of how he was there when Sean and I needed him brought tears pouring down my cheeks.  Luckily, Lexi was too busy watching a video to notice.

Then, the other day I had to move some stuff off her little memorial bookcase so the air conditioning people could get some things by.  I was in my room and thought I'd take a quick peek at the guest book from her funeral.  I've never really looked at it before, but didn't think it would be that big of a deal.  Well, big mistake.  It was a big deal.  I was immediately transported, as if in a time machine, back to that day.  It was as if I was reliving it all over again and seeing each of those people, who so graciously came to honor my little girl, for the first time again since she died.  Wow, the emotion and tears were flowing.

Halloween was another one.  I heard the second time around on holidays isn't usually as hard as the first, but in this case that was wrong.  I think last year I was still in total shock.  Halloween had only been 2 months since she passed so I was still numb and probably believing she'd be back soon.  This year, reality was there.  Having to go visit your daughter at her gravesite on Halloween is just plain unfair (and heart wrenching.)  I cried the whole way there, there, and the whole way back.  We had a flag up of her in her Halloween costume the year before she died and she looked so happy!

Anyways, those are just a few of the times I was caught off guard with my emotions.  I think that's the absolute worst thing about is so darn unpredictable.  As soon as you think you're going to be okay and the hardest parts are comes up and slaps you across the face all over again, completely unexpectedly.  But on a positive note, the blessings that come from staying close to God and not shunning Him in such times of pain are also much larger than expected.

Sunday, November 7th

Well I'm officially 9 weeks along now, so we decided to announce it to the world.  It was a tough decision.  I wanted to wait a little longer because I had a miscarriage between Lexi and Hailey, so I am still concerned it could happen again.  My excited hubby convinced me that all will be okay, so I did it...I posted in on Facebook.  There's no turning back from there!  :)  I still worry because after all we've been through losing Hailey I'm not sure how I'd handle a miscarriage or all the sorrow and pity that would come from others.  (Not that I wouldn't want the support, but in a lot of ways, I think it would be easier if no one really knew.)  Anyways, it's too late for that now!  

Last week, Sean and I went and had an ultrasound and saw the baby's heartbeat.  The doctor assured us that it was very strong and all looks great, so I'm hoping that's a sign for times to come...all will look great.  As I've gotten used to the idea of having another baby, I've come to feel more excitement.  I'm already dying to know if it's a boy or girl!!

Today at church I was talking to a friend and telling her how I feel like this baby will bring a lot of joy to our home, as well as open the door for more spiritual experiences between our family and Hailey.  This new precious and innocent soul will come into the world just as precious and innocent as her older sister left.  I think they'll have a special bond together and the baby will be very well watched over.  After telling my friend all this, I went into the bathroom and was digging around in my diaper bag (Ava's diaper bag!) for my lip gloss.  Well there on the very bottom was a shiny dime laying tails up!  I was so thrilled!  Hailey is so close to us all the time.  She is "amayzing!"

Anyways, that's the journey so far.  I'll keep you all updated and posted as things move along.   I have to say thank you for all the love, support, and excitement that's been shown in response to the news of our new little one!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

1 comment:

  1. I am so excited for you guys!! And if you ever need anything please call. XOXO