This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thoughts Unexpected

I just spent 5 days on the East Coast with my sister and was quite surprised at the unexpected thoughts that crept into my mind.  For those of you who don’t know me very well, I was born in Boston and lived about 20 minutes outside the city until I was 13.  Even though I’ve lived in California for the past 20 years now, over half my life, I still tell people I’m from Boston.  My heart resides there and I would LOVE to move back one day. 

Anyways, I go back to visit almost every year and every time I’m there I get on the whole moving back kick…looking at houses, cities, schools, etc.  I even considered picking up a few job applications for Sean even though he loves his job right now.  But, I’ll bet he could scoop a mean Clam Chowda if he tried!

So here I was this last week in Boston and as my sister and I drove from Cape Cod up to Lake Winnepausakee, New Hampshire (we had a cottage there as kids) visiting family and friends, we passed through some of the most adorable, quaint New England towns.  Of course, I could picture myself living in every darn one of them with my cute little family, until I thought of Hailey. 

If my dream of moving ever became a reality, Hailey would definitely come with us.  Sean and I agreed after she first died that if we ever moved more than 20 minutes away from where she is, we would have to take her with us.  The cost of moving her would automatically be something we would have to factor into our budget.  I visit her at least 5-6 times a week, clean her stone, bring her fresh flowers, change her flag and knick knacks, and give her little picture a kiss.  That is the place I feel closest to her because it still gives me something to take care of since I can no longer physically take care of her. 

While in Boston I not only shopped for little things to bring back for Lexi and Ava, but I also had to find something for Hailey.  I couldn’t come back with something for only two of my three girls.  I was so excited when I found a little yellow school bus that said Boston on it.  She LOVED “lellow” buses and every time we’d pass one in the car, she’d yell, “Mommy, “lellow” bus.  Me ride “lellow” bus!”  She was supposed to take one to preschool last year when she started, so I felt that she would really like it!  It will look so cute sitting at her little place next to her beautiful smiling face.

Anyways, back to my “moving kick,” as I call it.  As we drove through all those cute little towns I caught myself looking for cemeteries.  I first looked to see if I could even find one and if I did I couldn’t help but wonder if it would be nice enough for my baby girl to rest her precious, little body in.  (Her place right now is pretty hard to beat…it is absolutely gorgeous.) I pictured how her flat stone would fit in with all the others and how I would decorate it in the winter and dig it out of the snow when it’s forty degrees below zero outside.  I already have some cute ideas! 

Then, of course, I had to go a step further and think about what we would ever do if we sold our house.  (Now, let me just say, we aren’t planning on it right now, I just go through this kick every time I’m back there…but this is the first time I’ve really thought about it in detail since Hailey’s been gone.)  I wouldn’t have a problem leaving the house behind even though that’s the last place Hailey lived because I know that her body and spirit will go with us anywhere we go.  The thing I did wonder about is how we would tell people that our baby girl literally died in that house.  Yuck…it’s horrible to even think about.  Would that make no one want it?  Would it totally freak people out?  I feel like she would watch over that house carefully forever because it was her childhood home and she had so many great memories there, but I’m not so sure others would feel the same way.

So, I know I’m totally jumping the gun on all these thoughts, but my mind has a tendency to wander and way over think.  None of them are even remotely relevant to me at this point in time, but I always go through the “moving back kick” when I’m visiting and play it all out in my head.  It’s just that this time I was really caught off guard by all the new things I have to think about and consider now that I have a daughter who isn’t physically here with us anymore.  I refuse to ever let her go, physically or spiritually.  She is and will ALWAYS be a part of our family and will therefore be included in any big family decisions or events. 

I love and miss her so much.


  1. As mothers, all of us have thought about losing a child and the devastation that would ensue. However, we never really extrapolate it out to instances like these. I always feel privileged to read your honest thoughts, and I always hope that you know how much we appreciate you and feel for your daily struggle. :)

  2. Regarding your mention of people freaking out about Hailey going to heaven from your house, I tried to honestly think if I would freak out about it if I were to buy a house from complete strangers who told me that. And it honestly doesn't freak me out. I think it's because once I'm in your house, there is such a strong spirit and presence from Hailey. It's so warm and inviting and it's undeniable and I really think it is because Hailey is watching over you and there every minute. I think if you did ever sell your house, the people would feel that too and feel that it's a special place.