Fear

One thing that I still physically and emotionally struggle with literally every minute of every day is fear.  I have ALWAYS worried about something happening to someone in my family.  Now that it has, and to my child of all people, I am beyond terrified that something will happen again.  I've realized that things like this CAN and DO happen to me.  My biggest fear is losing another family member.  I really think it would kill me if that happened again.  Family is the most important and precious thing in the world to me.  And I'm so grateful (and proud) of the fact that I am so close with my family.  We are all best friends and have an absolute BLAST together!  We have laughed and cried, picked one another up, supported one another, and made it through every single major event in our lives both happy and sad TOGETHER!!!  They are my rock.  Not only my immediate family, but my extended family and in-laws as well.  Even my mother and my mother-in-law are the best of friends.  I think they talk more to each other than they do to me!!  

Now I already know that I shouldn't worry about things that I can't control...yadda, yadda, yadda.  But honestly, I still do and it still terrifies me.  Every single time I put my girls to bed or check on Ava during her nap or watch my sister or husband walk out the door or leave Lexi at school...etc., etc. all I can think about is what I would do if they didn't wake up or return home that day.  The pit in my stomach grows daily and the fear sometimes makes me feel sick.  I definitely cherish my relationships with people more and although we've always been a family of "I love you's," I try to say it even more now than ever before.  

Of course, my faith does help a little with the fear, but on the other hand, I've come to realize that the Lord doesn't always take what I want into consideration.  Apparently, He seems to think He knows what's best for me!  :-)  Every single time I say my prayers, the first thing I do is thank Him for my family and friends and I do so sincerely.  If it's true that He knows me better than I even know myself, than He definitely knows that I mean it with every fiber of my being.  And for some reason, I always thought that since I had such immense gratitude in my heart and expressed it several times daily, I would be safe from the trial of losing one of them.  Obviously, it's not all about that.  Now, I've learned not only to express my gratitude, but to also ask Him to watch over and protect them, and if for some reason it's in His plan to bring one of them home sooner that I expected, I always ask Him to give me the strength I need to survive it.  I think it's important not to always ask for what we want, but instead to ask for the strength and faith to deal with what we get because usually what we get is really what's best for us.  

Along that note, I've also come to realize that Hailey's passing isn't necessarily all about me.  Every once in a while, I forget that the world revolves around the sun and not me!  But on a serious note, there are so many other people out there who have been touched by Hailey's passing, so maybe it's all about them.  Or maybe it's all about her and what she deserved out of this life...a break from the constant struggles she lived with.  Anyways, the only thing I can do is continue on, having faith, trying to do the best I can, so when I see my baby girl and my Father in Heaven again face to face, they'll both look at me with a smile and tell me how proud they are of me.  Now that would be compensation!

So, in closing, at this point I literally take it moment by moment and try to seriously enjoy each minute I have with my loved ones because we really have NO idea when their (or our) time will come.  It does terrify me and even my faith doesn't take the fear away.  But I will push through the fear and continue to pray for some sense of peace, knowing that if something does happen, the Lord will continue to carry me as he has already through the loss one of my most precious children, my little Hailey.

I love you my family and friends.