This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Sunday, June 5, 2011

My "Old" Family Blog

So today I decided to go back and look at my “old” family blog to see what the scoop was with Ava’s birth.  I can’t remember how early I was or anything, but it turns out I wrote a post about taking the girls for a walk hoping to induce my labor.  I was exactly where I am with Joey...3 cm, 70% effaced, doctor saying it would be any day, doing all the same strenuous things I’m doing now, and very frustrated!!  I had to laugh as I read that!  Some things will never change…my impatience being one of them.

Anyways, after reading that post I got sucked into re-reading a lot of my other posts which emotionally rocked me to my core.  I haven’t looked at it in a looooong time because of the pain I knew it would invoke, and I was right.  Seeing all those innocent and fun posts with Hailey in them really hurt.  I kept looking at the dates thinking, “Wow, and I had no idea I only had 2 weeks left with her…,” etc. All the posts that summer caused the same emotion and thoughts as I counted down the days in my head to when she died.  We all looked so happy, especially Hailey.  She truly enjoyed her last days here on Earth.

Eventually I got to the post I wrote on her 3rd birthday, (, listing all she’d been through in her little life, how far she’d come, all her accomplishments, how proud we were of her and how much we loved her.  Of course, I had no idea that we only had a month left with her.  I’m not going to lie, that was tough to read.  The irony of it all is just so unfair. 

Gosh, I can’t even begin to put into words what I’d do to have my “old” life back, with Hailey in it.  I didn’t realize, until reading that blog, how innocent and lucky I was.  I had all my girls here with me with no idea what the future was about to bring.  I want that back so badly.  I want that pure, innocent happiness back…joy without any hidden heartache or heaviness behind it.  I believe it’s so true that we really don’t know what we have until it’s gone. 

I was looking at the pictures of Ava the day she was born and thinking of how joyous it all was.  Seeing the pride in Lexi and Hailey’s face over their new little sister was beautiful.  Looking at that first family picture of us all together in the hospital, a complete family photo, brought both joy and pain to my heart.  I have to admit that I am very scared of how I’m going to feel when Joey is born and Hailey isn’t physically there with us to enjoy it.  I know she’ll be there in spirit and experience everything with us, and I hate to admit it, but that’s just not good enough for me right now.  I want her in our family picture.  I want to see her face light up and her huge smile when she sees him and holds him for the first time. 

Anyways, I’m sure part of my emotion and heavy heart has to do with my raging pregnancy hormones, but regardless, it’s still there and it hurts.  I got a good cry out though and feel slightly better. 

If you haven’t seen my “old” family blog and are interested in experiencing all Hailey’s fun life adventures, click on the attached link  The last time I posted was exactly 2 days before Hailey died.

(The reason I write “old” family blog is because I haven’t updated it since Hailey died.  I’m hoping to eventually gain the strength to continue it again one day, and if that happens I’ll let you all know.)

1 comment:

  1. I had never seen your "before" blog. And I ache at what you lost. There is a light that is visible in Hailey's face. What you said about missing the joy without hidden heartache behind it struck home for me. I feel that same heaviness and age from past heartaches. And I feel like I am so not like the carefree Moms out there, like if you could see into my chest it would have a long dark hallway attached that went on forever. I pray for the day we all get some healing. And I hope that you are able to feel the new Mommy bonding and awe over your coming little one. I see what a really amazing woman you are in the blog you write today. And I see what an amazing Mom you have always been by seeing the old blog. A sign of your success is the happiness in the faces of your children. :)