This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Monday, May 9, 2011

A Neat Experience

Last Friday my sister, mother, and Lexi threw a baby shower for me.  Although I was really excited, I was also feeling a little apprehensive all day. As much as I'm excited for this new little bundle of joy, I'm also reminded that Hailey isn't here to be a part of it.  Any time there's any type of "celebratory" event or holiday I always feel a bit of sadness and grief for that empty spot that belongs to Hailey.  I want to see her laughing and smiling with us.  I miss the excitement and joy in her eyes and face.  I hate that she's not in any of the pictures (except the ones taken at her place).  As great and fun as those days are, they'll never be the same again.

Before the shower, my sister and I ran to the store to pick up some last minute supplies.  I also bought a bouquet of flowers to leave at Hailey's Place.  While checking out, I happened to look down for a split second and right there next to my shoe was a dime, tails up!

Later on, as everyone was at the clubhouse setting up for the shower, I stayed home by myself and started skewering fruit. Since I was sitting alone and it was really quiet, something I don't experience often, I was starting to get lonely.  When I feel lonely, the thoughts of Hailey and how much I miss her quickly come flooding into my mind.  So, needless to say, I was starting to get a little down and miss her like crazy. 

Well I didn't want to allow myself to get bummed out and depressed right before my shower.  This was supposed to be a fun, exciting night!  So I put on the radio for some company. I have satellite radio on my TV so I made sure it was on an upbeat station with all the most recent music.  As I was sitting there skewering fruit and listening to the radio, I kept looking up at a picture of Hailey on my fridge.  It was at her last birthday party and she was smiling away.  I longed so much to see that smile in person again and I couldn't help but wonder what role she would have played in getting ready for this baby shower.  I knew she would have been thrilled to help out!  That empty pit of sadness in my stomach was growing...

All of a sudden, in between songs of Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, came on the song, "It's A Beautiful Day," by U2!  I have that as the ringtone on my cell phone, in Hailey's honor, because that was her famous saying.  Anyways, I was so taken aback and then, of course, the tears started to fall (tears of joy).  I knew she was there with me at that moment, telling me "It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away..."

I have to say that it turned out to be just that.  The weather was beautiful and the shower was a blast.  I knew my little girl was right there by my side, celebrating the soon to be arrival of her new little brother!  I love her.

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