Journal Entry: September 21, 2009

Well tonight I had a major breakdown. It's 1:49am right now and I'm probably the only one in my time zone awake right now, but I don't even care. I'm also probably the only one in the my time zone feeling this much sadness and pain. I've been crying so hard my eyes are practically swollen shut and I'm sure tomorrow I'll have a huge migraine from being dehydrated, but again I really don't care.

Right now all I care about is my baby girl and how much I miss her. There are absolutely no words for the pain, sadness, emptiness, and heartache I feel right now. I have my strong days, but right now I am weak...very weak. I want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I long more than anything to see my baby girl again and hold her. My arms literally ache. My heart burns in my chest with the pain and agony of not having my little girl physically here with me. I'm sitting on the couch, with tears pouring down my face and dripping off my chin. The tissues can't even get to them fast enough. All I can do is look around at how empty my house is right now.

I look at the stairs to my left where Hailey would walk down so proudly using no hands. I would give anything in this world just to hear her say, "Mommy, look," with a big smile and both arms held high in the air as she slowly stepped down each stair without holding on. Most 3 year olds would do this without even thinking about it, but not Hailey. She had every right to be proud. It took her countless hours of therapy and hard work to master that.

As I continue around the room, I come to the corner next to the stairs. That's where the little round table is that she'd sit at for every meal, including her last. Hailey and Lexi would sit together at that table, in front of the TV (I know!) usually watching Fully Hou"sh" (as she called it) and eating away. She loved to eat, even though it came close to killing her many times. I'd watch her use her little fork and spoon so perfectly. She was seriously better than an adult at it! That little table has seen her through many a meal and holds more memories than most family kitchen tables. Next, I look in front of me at the TV where she'd watch her favorite shows - mainly Fully House, but also Caillou, or the wii, where she would push all the buttons on the remote and pretend that she was beating the game! Next is the corner to the kitchen that she'd come around, usually holding some snack or canned good that she took from the pantry cupboard. Continuing on to my right is the sliding glass door that leads to our backyard where Hailey would always want to help water the plants, especially the one she planted, which is still there growing in the same little pot she painted. Along side the sliding glass door is the end table with the drawer full of all her little toys, one in particular being my old cell phone that she loved to play with. Then there's the spot on the floor that I'd put Ava's portable high chair and Hailey would help me feed her, saying, "Me do," or more commonly, "Me bite," as she put pureed squash in Ava's mouth and then her own! And yes, she liked it! Next to that, in the corner to my right, is our recliner that I used to sit in and rock her when she was sick. It sounds so horrible, but selfishly, I loved those days because she was so mellow and would just lay in my arms all bundled up and watch TV. This now brings me to where I'm sitting right now - on the couch - in the same spot where she sat every single night to do her breathing treatment. She always had to hold the fish shaped mask by herself and turn the machine on and off. When I told her she was all done, she would have to look in the plastic chamber to make sure all the medicine was gone. In front of me on the floor is where she laid down while I changed about a trillion diapers. And to my very left is the front door where she would run to and scream, "GRAMPIES HERE!," when my parents would come down on Sundays. And then back to the stairs she walked down every morning and up every evening.

Now, at the top of that first flight of stairs sits a small white, shabby chic looking, bookcase made into a mini-memorial for Hailey's most precious life. Above it hangs a beautiful black frame with side by side 8x10 slots - one with a picture of her gorgeous face and the other with a footprint and handprint from the day of her viewing. On the bookshelf is our last family photo taken at the Laguna tide pools framed in a frame that has the words, " Family Moments / Cherished Memories" on opposite diagonal corners. There's also another adorable picture of Hailey with a face full of makeup from playing at Lexi's birthday party a week before she died. Along with these things are a lock of her precious blond hair that was cut on the day of her viewing, a small birdhouse that she painted at therapy and carried around with more pride than someone who just won the gold medal in the Olympics. There is also a Lay's tie tack that our neighbor Matt, Hailey's favorite person in the world, made for all the pallbearer's to wear at her funeral. Then there's the can that our neighbor Brandon used to collect over $800 from our loving and supportive neighbors, all of which we put toward the Hailey Mayz Foundation. On the bottom shelf is a quote that says, "The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." This was spoken by Joseph Smith Jr., a prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This beautiful memorial to my precious daughter is the first thing I see every morning when I come down the stairs and the last thing I see every night when I walk up the stairs - both using no hands!

I love you baby girl!

(I will add pictures of what I described above in the next couple days, so make sure to check back!)