I'm really struggling today. I miss you so much its almost unbearable. I can't stand it. I can barely see as I write this because the tears are pouring down. All I can think about is how much I miss you and long to hear your voice yelling, "arabesque," as you kick your leg up in the ballet move Lexi taught you. You were so hilarious! I can't stop thinking about your excited little face when I used to pick you up from therapy. These are two totally random memories, but I just can't stop crying over them. The pain, loneliness and emptiness I feel without you here is indescribable. I just want to be alone and cry. I'm sitting here at your place and just aching for you. Going on in life without you physically here seems like something I just do. I so selfishly want you back. The funny thing is, I know you're here with me. I've heard you in my head twice now saying, "Mommy I'm here." But for some reason right now that's not comforting me. I want to see you physically, hear your voice out loud, touch you and hold you. I don't ever want to leave this spot. I just want to crawl in the ground with you and shake you and tell you to wake up. I want to see those bright blue eyes open wide and that "beau-ful" smile light up. I know one day I will...but right now I'm dying inside.
I long for that amazing feeling of peace and comfort you gave me the day I saw you for the first time after you died. I know you were standing right there with me that day. And I want you here with me today, right now.
I feel like it's been long enough and we passed this test. We had your funeral, stuck together as a family, stayed faithful and close to Heavenly Father, never blamed Him or cursed Him, still go to church, etc. You've touched and changed more lives than we'll ever know, so now its time to end this whole charade and bring you back. Living without you here has gone on long enough and now we're ready for our old life back with you here. I can totally hear you yelling, "But Mommy Me HERE!!!" :) So just to clear things up...I want you here PHYSICALLY, not just in spirit. But since that's not an option right now, I'll keep taking the signs. I can't thank you enough for those and I literally live for finding dimes. So I'm begging you to please keep sending them! I never knew there were so many random dimes (and Lay's Potato chip trucks) in this world!
I promise that I will strive everyday of my life to make you proud that I'm your mommy. I want you to look down on me and say to your friends there in Heaven with a smile and pride in your eyes, "That's my Mommy!"
Well Auntie "Bim" just got here so I'm going to visit with her and laugh at your funny memories. You are so lucky to have such an amazing aunt. Hailey, she loves you and misses you soooo much. Please watch over her and take care of her.
Before I go, I'm begging you again to please stay around here with me as much as you can. And keep sending me those dimes -I need the money! I'm just kidding, but they do keep me going day to day.
I love you baby girl.
Love Mommy
I'm reading your blog every day and grieving with you. You're so strong Wendy.
ReplyDeleteI was driving today and this huge "Lays" truck went by. Normally I would probably not have even noticed it, but I thought of Hailey's cute little face and her love of chips and it made me smile. Just know that I think about you often and continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kristen Reid