Current Update

Many people I've talked to who have also lost loved ones have told me that as time goes on the grief and pain often gets stronger and harder. I have to admit that I didn't really believe that, at least not for myself. Well, now I do. I'm finding that the sense of loneliness and sadness grows a little each day. Maybe it has to do with all the holidays coming up or just the reality setting in, but whatever it is, it's not fun. However, I have also been told that eventually things will start to get a little easier and the intense pain will subside, so right now I'm also trying to keep that in mind.

People are constantly telling me how strong I am, which I find to be so flattering and such an honor to be seen that way, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud. Don't get me wrong, everything that I've written on my blog, or said in person, or physically done, etc., is 100% true. However, I can also be very weak at times. I still haven't gotten angry at God and I honestly don't plan to. I just don't feel that there's any point in it. My faith is actually much stronger. In fact, it's stronger than before Hailey passed away. But I also know that the faith I have comes from the miracles and tender mercies that my Heavenly Father has showered upon me. Plus, I seriously need Him right now.

As the poem, Footprints in the Sand ends, it says, "...it was then that I carried you." Well I KNOW that He is carrying me through this trial every single day. It reminds me of helping a little child learn to walk. I feel like He carries me along when I'm the weakest and then when I'm feeling a little stronger, He'll kind of set me down for a bit and let me walk by His side so I can slowly gain my own strength back. Sometimes I'll stumble, and have to work at catching my balance, which helps me become a little stronger each time. But as soon as I'm about to completely fall down, He's right there to catch me and pick me back up. So, I will not waste my time getting angry at Him or blaming Him or questioning what happened and why. However, don't get me wrong, He knows very well that I am NOT happy about the situation. But, I will do my best to learn everything I can from this trial and come out on the other side a much better and stronger person than I was before. I owe that to my little Hailey. She would be so sad and disappointed if she found me blaming and cursing God.

Anyways, I also wanted to share a couple of the miracles the Lord has allowed my little Hailey to work in my life (and that of some family members). First, for those of you who were wondering, YES, I did find a dime on my birthday!!! Not until 1:00 in the morning, which technically was still my birthday in Hawaii, and since she's in paradise and new to all this, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she got the time zones mixed up! Anyways, don't worry about why I was still up that late...that's besides the point, but after literally working my eyes down to the retina looking for a dime I was getting quite discouraged. I looked at the mall, Sean's company picnic, dinner, the movies, and everywhere in between to no avail. But I refused to give up. I know that's kind of scary and I did totally reprimand myself for getting all excited about finding a dime knowing that I could have been let down and possibly ruin my birthday. But, of course, my baby girl came through for me. Everyone was sleeping and I was getting ready to go upstairs to go to bed too, when I saw Lexi's backpack by the door. Well being the teacher that I am, I just couldn't wait until the next morning to look at all her school work! So I sat on the step, opened up her backpack and started looking for all the A+'s and 100%'s! (Yes, there were a bunch!) The lights were dim, but for some reason I happened to look over to my right hand corner and noticed something on the floor under the end table. There's a box under there with some of Lexi's craft supplies so I figured it was a piece of foil or something, but my obsessive-compulsiveness kicked in high gear and I jumped up. I knelt down and reached back under the table and sure enough what I slid out was a dime!!! I knew my baby girl was there!

A few weeks back my sister was going away on business. She has been living with us ever since Hailey passed away because she used to live alone and it's been too difficult on her to be home. Which we love, by the way!!! So she was also feeling very uneasy about being away, by herself, in a strange city for a couple days. The day she was to leave, she stopped by Hailey's place and told her how she was nervous about being alone during such a tough time and then asked her to send her some sign, no matter how little, just to let her know she was there. Well, just as my sign is a dime, one of Kim's signs is a Lay's Potato Chip truck. Several times while on her way to work, she would be struggling with her grief and there would be a Lay's Potato Chip truck turning in front of her. So the first night she was away, when she was getting ready for bed, one of her coworkers came and asked her to come downstairs to the hotel lobby for a minute. So Kim obliged and when she got downstairs, there she saw the biggest sign one could ever ask for...an entire Lay's Potato Chip convention!!! Oh yes...I am serious! She couldn't believe it! There were several hotels all lined up on that street and sure enough, in the same hotel as Kim, on the same dates, was the Frito Lay's Potato Chip Convention!!! Leave it to Hailey to pull off something like that! My girl don't mess around!!! (I'm also a little mad now though that my sign is just a dime and not a hundred dollar bill!)

Lastly, on what was feeling like it was going to be a tough day, Hailey was once again with me!! I was going to help out in Lexi's class, which I was very excited for; but I also had an issue I needed to address while there, which I was very worried about. The night before, I prayed and asked that the Lord would be with me and help me know how to deal with the issue. And of course, I asked Hailey to be with me too and watch over her sister. The next morning as I was walking up to the school I looked up and saw some sun rays coming through the one fluffy cloud in the bright blue sky. At that moment I felt Hailey's presence so strongly. If I was able to see "ghosts" I would have seen her standing right there next to me. I mean, the feeling was so strong it was undeniable. It was almost stronger than the feeling of a physical person standing beside me. It was so neat. Everything in Lexi's class went wonderfully, so as I was leaving the school I thanked God and Hailey for being there with me. I then went to buy a drink and the lady in front of me was buying one bag of Lay's potato chips. And as I paid for my drink, my change came out of the side of the register and it was just one single dime!! I was so excited!

Afterwards, I went to Hailey's place to visit and told her to watch over Kim again while she was away on business. I specifically asked her to send Kim a sign to let her know she was loved. On my way home, I pulled up next to Lay's potato chips truck and then passed it and watched it in my rearview mirror, all the while, smiling. Anyways, later that afternoon Kim called me to tell me her miracle of the day...at the SAME time I was at Hailey's place asking her to send Kim a sign, she was at Knott's Berry Farm collecting toys with Toyota for Toys for Tots. For those of you who don't know, one of Hailey's other signs is yellow jeeps (Yes, we have a lot of signs!! I'll explain that one another time). There were 1o people there who collected 10,000 toys that day, but the very first toy that was brought up, was handed to Kim, and was none other then a YELLOW JEEP!!! And again, this happened at the very same time I was at Hailey's place!!! Along with that, while cleaning up, Kim picked up a bunch of littered paper and receipts from across the park grounds. The first one she picked up had one single dime underneath it and then, later, on the other side of the park she picked up another one with yet, one more single dime under it. I mean, who sees that???

My baby girl is all around us and I believe it is mainly because our Heavenly Father loves us and Hailey so much that He will allow her to continue to be an active part of our family, even if it is from the other side. So again, I will not be mad at or blame Him for what had to be, but instead I will focus on the blessings and tender mercies He continues to give me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!