Journal Entry: September 17, 2009

Now that I've updated you all on how I'm currently doing (although it does vary day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute) I decided to get back to posting my previous journal entries until I catch up.

9-17-09

Hey Baby Girl-

I'm actually sitting in my car right now because I just needed a good cry and wanted to be alone. Hailey, I seriously miss you so very much. Life is just not the same. I'm doing very well on the outside because I have people I need to be strong for - mainly your sisters. But honestly, I'm dying inside. Tonight Lexi broke down and sobbed for the first time since the night we told her you passed away and I couldn't hold back my own grief and tears. We sat together on my bed and just cried, in each others arms, for you. She misses you so much. It breaks my heart to see her sad and not be able to fix it. I wish I could bring you back for her, just so she could see you again. Please Hailey, watch over your big sister. Take care of her and send her signs that you're with her. She really needs that right now.

Today was a good day, but I still felt very empty inside. I can't believe its been over 6 weeks since I've last seen you, touched you, held you, or heard your voice. Every day I take Lexi to school and ache inside to take you too. I just know how much you would have LOVED school, how proud you would have been everyday bringing home your little arts and crafts. I still have the little things you made in nursery at church on the fridge and you can believe that they now have a permanent spot there! (See bottom for photos) Those thoughts of how you would be in preschool literally rip me apart. Sometimes, selfishly, I feel so angry that I was robbed of those experiences. I say selfishly because I know you'd rather be where you are right now than in preschool. But again, selfishly, I feel like after all the hard work I've put in over the past 3 years to keep you alive, healthy, and happy...all the doctors and specialists visits, hospital stays, illnesses, breathing treatments, medicines, feedings through your tube, research, ups and downs, worries, pain and heartache, etc., etc., etc., I deserve to watch you go to school and grow up and hit all those major milestones that every parent dreams of for their child. Yet, then I think about you and all the hard work you put in. You were right there beside me putting in 100 times more effort in all those areas than I was...just trying to stay alive and healthy and happy. I have to scold myself wondering who I think I am and how dare I feel like I deserve anything. I mean, I got to be your mommy, what a huge blessing and honor in itself. But it's you that deserves everything good. It's you that deserves to rest in paradise and take a break from all your hard work and struggles. It's you that deserves to have no more pain or gagging. It's you that deserves all the happiness possible.

The other day we went to Alex's birthday party at Build A Bear and I had to work really hard to keep it together. You were supposed to go too, so I couldn't help but wonder what bear you would have picked out. Then I got on to imagining how much you would have loved bathing him and picking out his clothes and dressing him. I could just see you walking with the box your bear would have been in, carrying it (actually dragging it because it's literally as tall as you and I know you wouldn't have even considered letting me help) with a huge smile of pride on your face. Okay, and who am I kidding, those of you who know me well know that I would have been thoroughly annoyed that you would have insisted on carrying that box yourself!!! Anyways, I could literally see and feel your excitement as you ran out of the car to show Daddy your new bear. It's times like those that I want to curl up in a ball and die with you.

I did hear you again the other night at Dave and Busters when I was walking with Ava through the arcade area. I remember showing her all the lights and genuinely enjoying my time with her when I was suddenly stabbed with a feeling of guilt. I didn't want you to think that I didn't miss you anymore or that I would let Ava take your place. That's when I heard you in my head say to me, "Don't worry mom, it's okay. Go ahead and bond with Ava. I did this for you, so you could have a break from all the stress and worry." I remember stopping in my tracks because I wasn't sure what to make of what I heard or if it was real. Then I felt you again, prod me along, saying, "It's okay Mom, go ahead." What an experience! The only time I've ever had an experience like that in my entire life was when I heard you tell me you chose to go. I don't know what you meant when you said you did this for me, because this isn't what I want. What I want is you back. I would take every second of stress and heartache and worry and whatever else back in a heartbeat just to have you here.

Hailey, you mean the world to me and I will NEVER, EVER forget you. Everyday I think about you yelling, "Arabesque!" (That's a ballet move Lexi used to do!) I remember seeing your little face peeking out the window at therapy when I'd go to pick you up. I'd come around the corner and your face would light up with the biggest smile ever and you would yell, "Mommy here!" The pain that memory invokes is like none other. My stomach feels like it jumps out of my throat every time I think of it. I would literally give ANYTHING to experience that just one more time. That is one of my favorite memories of you and I replay it in my head over and over and over again. I've come to realize how much family really matters in life and how unimportant other things truly are.

I miss you baby girl. I still haven't touched your clothes. I just can't right now, the pain is so fresh and intense. Although, yesterday was my first "normal" day without you and I made it through. By normal I mean back to what our usual schedule was. The afternoon/early evening was tough though because that's when you would be waking up from your nap and running around the house playing with and yelling at me and Lexi! Plus, Auntie Kim, Daddy, Grammies, and Grampies were all out of town for the night so that made it even harder. So I grabbed your sisters, went to the library, checked out some books, and then went to your place and sat with Ava while Lexi read to you. On the way home, Lexi and I put on your favorite song, "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield (you called it "The Rain Song!") and we sang at the top of our lungs to you! I think that's the first time I listened to music since you passed away.

I love you my Hailey girl.

Love, Mommy

P.S.

Tonight was Lexi's Back to School Night. I was looking in her writing journal and she wrote, "I have 2 sisters. I have the best family ever. I live with my family. There are 5 people in my family." My eyes welled up in tears and I felt the love she has for you. She will never forget you either.

Hailey's Artwork on the Fridge

May 2009
She made this in nursery at church.
She was soooo proud when she brought it to me!!
(Be honest...doesn't it kind of look like her?)

Hailey made this at therapy.

March 2009
She made this at her assessment for preschool.