My First Halloween

Well I made it through my first Halloween without Hailey.  I hope it's true when they say that the "firsts" are always the hardest and then it gets a little easier each time after that.  Today was tough.  Unfortunately, I think it was even tougher for Lexi this time, than it was for me.  She really struggled through the entire day and wanted to cry so many times, but didn't want to mess up her makeup (for her costume).  It really started when I was getting ready to take some pictures of the girls in their costumes and Lexi realized she couldn't find the monkey we use to represent Hailey.  I was totally bummed too, but realized there was no reason in making the day even more difficult by getting mad.  We think she left her at school, but aren't totally sure.  :(  Anyways, luckily we had another stuffed monkey that I bought for Ava a month or so ago. I gave it to Lexi to hold in the pictures and told her that from now on we'll use any monkey to represent Hailey in our pictures, as long as it's a monkey!!! Although she was still upset, it seemed to help a little. 

Once all the festivities were over, she finally broke down and let it out. I told her she could fall asleep in my bed since she was having such a hard day (She loves falling asleep in our bed!). When I was putting her to bed she asked me if we could look at the pictures I took today. Of course, I couldn't deny her, but as I was getting the pictures ready on my computer, she also decided she wanted to look at the pictures from last year. So again, I agreed. Bad idea. Seeing Hailey's smile and excitement in her chicken costume from last year was enough for me. I couldn't hold in my emotion anymore and just broke down. I know I already posted a picture of her, but she was so darn cute that I need to post it again:

If you read my entry about the pumpkin patch, you'll know that it was pretty tough on me being there.  But, I also saw it as one of those inevitable experiences that was bound to come up and therefore, was glad that I did it and made it through.  

Well, yesterday was another one of those rough days.  A lot of reality has hit me over the last 3 days.  It's been slowly creeping up, but when we actually started participating in all the Halloween festivities that reality quickly became my world.  

Last night we were supposed to go to a Halloween party mostly for kids.  I struggled with it all day long.  Sean wanted to go together as a family, so I didn't want to flake out and let him down, but on the other hand, I just really didn't feel up to going.  After experiencing all the emotions from the day before at the pumpkin patch and dealing with the anticipation of today with Halloween and trick or treating, I just couldn't face one more Halloween related event. Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who supported me in that decision.  We are doing whatever we can to stay close and be honest with each other so we make it through this.  As I mentioned in my journal entry describing the day Hailey passed away, Sean and I promised each other that we would stick together through this trial and never break apart.  When we got married we made a promise before God to stay together through good times and bad (and it can't get much worse than this).  We need each other.  And more importantly, our kids need us.  So we made a deal that we would be very open, honest, and patient with one another throughout this holiday season.  If there's a specific event that's really important for one of us to attend, then the other will say a prayer for strength and go.  Otherwise, it's okay to miss some things.

Anyways, I went to Hailey's place and sobbed hysterically as I realized how difficult something as simple as a little Halloween party was going to be for me to attend.  This was a difficult and scary realization, especially with all the holidays coming up.  I know we're going to be invited to tons of stuff and I really don't want to spend the holidays holed up in my house. But honestly, I also don't want to face the holidays either.  I'm so scared that if we don't go to stuff, people will stop inviting us, which adds extra pressure on me.  I also feel guilty when I don't go to things because I know Hailey wouldn't want me to sit home.  Then there's also the bittersweet, catch 22 that I face any and every time I go somewhere with people who either aren't family or aren't really close friends. I mean I want people to acknowledge what I'm going through and that they're aware I'm in pain and ask me about Hailey and how I'm doing, but I also don't want them to bring it up either.  I want to talk about it and tell everyone about Hailey, but I also don't want to have to deal with it every time I go somewhere.  If everyone asks me about Hailey I start to feel overwhelmed and annoyed because there's so much to talk about and tell, but when I go somewhere and no one asks me about her, I feel so sad and hurt and wonder if they either forgot or just don't feel like listening to me complain.  Sometimes I want to pretend like it never happened and go to parties or get togethers and act like all is well, but then when I try to do that I feel sad because I know I'm pretending and I'll have to go home to deal with it all soon enough.  So basically no one can win here...neither the "people" I'm talking about nor myself!  Why am I admitting all this?  Honestly, I don't know.  It's just how I feel and I'm trying to get it out.  What should you do about it if you're around me?  Honestly again, I don't know.  All I can ask is that you just be yourself and be honest with me.  If you want to ask me or talk to me about Hailey, then please do. And if you don't, then that's okay too!!!  I'm really not one to get offended very easily.  I know that people are genuinely good and mean well by what they say or ask, so please don't ever be afraid you'll say the wrong thing.  As I'm sure you've seen from my blog, I am very open and honest, so I really appreciate that from others too!  I've always said that I'd rather my friends be around me and say the "wrong" thing or something that might make me sad, than not be around me and say nothing at all.  I need people.  I need Hailey's life to be acknowledged and talked about.  Even though sometimes I don't necessarily want to talk about everything, I always feel much better when I do.  Same goes with crying, I try to hold it in and avoid it sometimes because it's kind of a pain in the butt, but I always feel way better when I just let it all out and bawl.  (I guess I should use that same strategy when it comes to working out!!)

These past few days have been the most emotional I've had in a while since Hailey passed away, so honestly, I'm glad they're over.  Now it's onto Thanksgiving, our yearly family trip to Solvang, Ava's 1st Birthday, and Christmas.  Please don't give up on us if we don't come to everything, reply to every email, or return every phone call.  It is just so exhausting sometimes. But also know, that every invite, email, and message is listened to and acknowledged and loved.  Just remember these are our firsts and therefore very difficult.  My emotions literally vary minute to minute.  But we are doing our best!

Our family picture from last year.

(Ava was still cookin'!)

 The girls this year.

Our family picture this year.

The Pumpkin Patch

Today I took Lexi and Ava to the pumpkin patch for the first time without Hailey. We went with some of Lexi's little girlfriends from school and their moms. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. The first thing I saw when we got out of the car were the little ponies that walk in a circle for the kids to ride. I literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. That was Hailey's favorite ride of all time!!! She LOVED to ride horses! I have several pictures of me standing next to her on that ride last year. (One of these days I'll post some pictures of all the times she got to ride a horse. There are actually quite a few! I just have trouble right now looking at them.)

Anyways, I looked over at Lexi and watched her innocent little face light up with excitement as she found her friends. I was then instantly reminded of why I was there. Going to the pumpkin patch wasn't about me...it was about her! So I mustered up a smile, slapped it on my face and continued on.

As I walked around hearing Faith Hill blast out of the speakers, I felt so alone. Yes, there were people everywhere, but the loneliness still consumed me. I saw Hailey on every ride with her big toothy grin and loud giggle. I saw her pick out every pumpkin, feed every animal, run to every ride, and ask for every snack she saw. It was just so incomplete without her there. (By the way, just for the record, I actually love Faith Hill, but I have to admit that her music can feel very sad at times.)

Every time the emptiness seemed to consume me and I'd feel weak, I would look at my precious little Lexi and watch her smiling and laughing with her friends. It would remind me of how much she needed this...how much she deserved this. Hailey would have wanted this for her sister. I also have to point out that I had some great friends there too, who were very supportive by the way. Thank you ladies!

I took a bunch of pictures of Lexi and Ava, however they were all individual ones. I just couldn't find the strength yet to take a picture of the two of them together without Hailey. That thought literally made me feel nauseated. I'm just grateful that Lexi never brought up the issue or requested a picture with her sister...otherwise, I would have had to face that pain much sooner than I felt ready for. We're actually planning on going back on Saturday with Sean, my parents and my sister, so I definitely plan to get a picture of them together then. I'll have our little monkey with us and also my family there to carry me through it. I am going to make myself take the picture though because its important and necessary to have one of them together there.

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing now what a big deal something so simple as a picture of my children has become. Yikes!

While Lexi was on a ride with her friends I decided to walk over to the snack bar and get something for Ava. I was the only one at the counter and after I paid I turned around to walk away. There to my left, at the end of the counter, sat a dime and a penny side by side!!! (Pennies are my grandma's sign!) I was so excited that I ended up taking a picture of them. Then after the picture, you better believe that I stole them!!!! I had such a smile on my face as I imagined Hailey and my grandma standing there side by side just like that dime and penny. I could just hear them telling me that they were there and Hailey was happy and it was okay to enjoy my girls. Weird as it may sound, that experience was a beautiful, miraculous moment. I mean, what are the odds?

We ended up buying a foil pumpkin balloon and an ear of Indian corn (Lexi picked it out) to take over to Hailey's place. (Someone already left her a pumpkin...Thank you!). So, all in all, the event ended on a positive note, as most do because of the love my little girl has for her family and the way she hangs around and shows it to us.

I am so blessed.

Current Update

Many people I've talked to who have also lost loved ones have told me that as time goes on the grief and pain often gets stronger and harder. I have to admit that I didn't really believe that, at least not for myself. Well, now I do. I'm finding that the sense of loneliness and sadness grows a little each day. Maybe it has to do with all the holidays coming up or just the reality setting in, but whatever it is, it's not fun. However, I have also been told that eventually things will start to get a little easier and the intense pain will subside, so right now I'm also trying to keep that in mind.

People are constantly telling me how strong I am, which I find to be so flattering and such an honor to be seen that way, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud. Don't get me wrong, everything that I've written on my blog, or said in person, or physically done, etc., is 100% true. However, I can also be very weak at times. I still haven't gotten angry at God and I honestly don't plan to. I just don't feel that there's any point in it. My faith is actually much stronger. In fact, it's stronger than before Hailey passed away. But I also know that the faith I have comes from the miracles and tender mercies that my Heavenly Father has showered upon me. Plus, I seriously need Him right now.

As the poem, Footprints in the Sand ends, it says, "...it was then that I carried you." Well I KNOW that He is carrying me through this trial every single day. It reminds me of helping a little child learn to walk. I feel like He carries me along when I'm the weakest and then when I'm feeling a little stronger, He'll kind of set me down for a bit and let me walk by His side so I can slowly gain my own strength back. Sometimes I'll stumble, and have to work at catching my balance, which helps me become a little stronger each time. But as soon as I'm about to completely fall down, He's right there to catch me and pick me back up. So, I will not waste my time getting angry at Him or blaming Him or questioning what happened and why. However, don't get me wrong, He knows very well that I am NOT happy about the situation. But, I will do my best to learn everything I can from this trial and come out on the other side a much better and stronger person than I was before. I owe that to my little Hailey. She would be so sad and disappointed if she found me blaming and cursing God.

Anyways, I also wanted to share a couple of the miracles the Lord has allowed my little Hailey to work in my life (and that of some family members). First, for those of you who were wondering, YES, I did find a dime on my birthday!!! Not until 1:00 in the morning, which technically was still my birthday in Hawaii, and since she's in paradise and new to all this, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she got the time zones mixed up! Anyways, don't worry about why I was still up that late...that's besides the point, but after literally working my eyes down to the retina looking for a dime I was getting quite discouraged. I looked at the mall, Sean's company picnic, dinner, the movies, and everywhere in between to no avail. But I refused to give up. I know that's kind of scary and I did totally reprimand myself for getting all excited about finding a dime knowing that I could have been let down and possibly ruin my birthday. But, of course, my baby girl came through for me. Everyone was sleeping and I was getting ready to go upstairs to go to bed too, when I saw Lexi's backpack by the door. Well being the teacher that I am, I just couldn't wait until the next morning to look at all her school work! So I sat on the step, opened up her backpack and started looking for all the A+'s and 100%'s! (Yes, there were a bunch!) The lights were dim, but for some reason I happened to look over to my right hand corner and noticed something on the floor under the end table. There's a box under there with some of Lexi's craft supplies so I figured it was a piece of foil or something, but my obsessive-compulsiveness kicked in high gear and I jumped up. I knelt down and reached back under the table and sure enough what I slid out was a dime!!! I knew my baby girl was there!

A few weeks back my sister was going away on business. She has been living with us ever since Hailey passed away because she used to live alone and it's been too difficult on her to be home. Which we love, by the way!!! So she was also feeling very uneasy about being away, by herself, in a strange city for a couple days. The day she was to leave, she stopped by Hailey's place and told her how she was nervous about being alone during such a tough time and then asked her to send her some sign, no matter how little, just to let her know she was there. Well, just as my sign is a dime, one of Kim's signs is a Lay's Potato Chip truck. Several times while on her way to work, she would be struggling with her grief and there would be a Lay's Potato Chip truck turning in front of her. So the first night she was away, when she was getting ready for bed, one of her coworkers came and asked her to come downstairs to the hotel lobby for a minute. So Kim obliged and when she got downstairs, there she saw the biggest sign one could ever ask for...an entire Lay's Potato Chip convention!!! Oh yes...I am serious! She couldn't believe it! There were several hotels all lined up on that street and sure enough, in the same hotel as Kim, on the same dates, was the Frito Lay's Potato Chip Convention!!! Leave it to Hailey to pull off something like that! My girl don't mess around!!! (I'm also a little mad now though that my sign is just a dime and not a hundred dollar bill!)

Lastly, on what was feeling like it was going to be a tough day, Hailey was once again with me!! I was going to help out in Lexi's class, which I was very excited for; but I also had an issue I needed to address while there, which I was very worried about. The night before, I prayed and asked that the Lord would be with me and help me know how to deal with the issue. And of course, I asked Hailey to be with me too and watch over her sister. The next morning as I was walking up to the school I looked up and saw some sun rays coming through the one fluffy cloud in the bright blue sky. At that moment I felt Hailey's presence so strongly. If I was able to see "ghosts" I would have seen her standing right there next to me. I mean, the feeling was so strong it was undeniable. It was almost stronger than the feeling of a physical person standing beside me. It was so neat. Everything in Lexi's class went wonderfully, so as I was leaving the school I thanked God and Hailey for being there with me. I then went to buy a drink and the lady in front of me was buying one bag of Lay's potato chips. And as I paid for my drink, my change came out of the side of the register and it was just one single dime!! I was so excited!

Afterwards, I went to Hailey's place to visit and told her to watch over Kim again while she was away on business. I specifically asked her to send Kim a sign to let her know she was loved. On my way home, I pulled up next to Lay's potato chips truck and then passed it and watched it in my rearview mirror, all the while, smiling. Anyways, later that afternoon Kim called me to tell me her miracle of the day...at the SAME time I was at Hailey's place asking her to send Kim a sign, she was at Knott's Berry Farm collecting toys with Toyota for Toys for Tots. For those of you who don't know, one of Hailey's other signs is yellow jeeps (Yes, we have a lot of signs!! I'll explain that one another time). There were 1o people there who collected 10,000 toys that day, but the very first toy that was brought up, was handed to Kim, and was none other then a YELLOW JEEP!!! And again, this happened at the very same time I was at Hailey's place!!! Along with that, while cleaning up, Kim picked up a bunch of littered paper and receipts from across the park grounds. The first one she picked up had one single dime underneath it and then, later, on the other side of the park she picked up another one with yet, one more single dime under it. I mean, who sees that???

My baby girl is all around us and I believe it is mainly because our Heavenly Father loves us and Hailey so much that He will allow her to continue to be an active part of our family, even if it is from the other side. So again, I will not be mad at or blame Him for what had to be, but instead I will focus on the blessings and tender mercies He continues to give me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

Journal Entry: September 21, 2009

Well tonight I had a major breakdown. It's 1:49am right now and I'm probably the only one in my time zone awake right now, but I don't even care. I'm also probably the only one in the my time zone feeling this much sadness and pain. I've been crying so hard my eyes are practically swollen shut and I'm sure tomorrow I'll have a huge migraine from being dehydrated, but again I really don't care.

Right now all I care about is my baby girl and how much I miss her. There are absolutely no words for the pain, sadness, emptiness, and heartache I feel right now. I have my strong days, but right now I am weak...very weak. I want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I long more than anything to see my baby girl again and hold her. My arms literally ache. My heart burns in my chest with the pain and agony of not having my little girl physically here with me. I'm sitting on the couch, with tears pouring down my face and dripping off my chin. The tissues can't even get to them fast enough. All I can do is look around at how empty my house is right now.

I look at the stairs to my left where Hailey would walk down so proudly using no hands. I would give anything in this world just to hear her say, "Mommy, look," with a big smile and both arms held high in the air as she slowly stepped down each stair without holding on. Most 3 year olds would do this without even thinking about it, but not Hailey. She had every right to be proud. It took her countless hours of therapy and hard work to master that.

As I continue around the room, I come to the corner next to the stairs. That's where the little round table is that she'd sit at for every meal, including her last. Hailey and Lexi would sit together at that table, in front of the TV (I know!) usually watching Fully Hou"sh" (as she called it) and eating away. She loved to eat, even though it came close to killing her many times. I'd watch her use her little fork and spoon so perfectly. She was seriously better than an adult at it! That little table has seen her through many a meal and holds more memories than most family kitchen tables. Next, I look in front of me at the TV where she'd watch her favorite shows - mainly Fully House, but also Caillou, or the wii, where she would push all the buttons on the remote and pretend that she was beating the game! Next is the corner to the kitchen that she'd come around, usually holding some snack or canned good that she took from the pantry cupboard. Continuing on to my right is the sliding glass door that leads to our backyard where Hailey would always want to help water the plants, especially the one she planted, which is still there growing in the same little pot she painted. Along side the sliding glass door is the end table with the drawer full of all her little toys, one in particular being my old cell phone that she loved to play with. Then there's the spot on the floor that I'd put Ava's portable high chair and Hailey would help me feed her, saying, "Me do," or more commonly, "Me bite," as she put pureed squash in Ava's mouth and then her own! And yes, she liked it! Next to that, in the corner to my right, is our recliner that I used to sit in and rock her when she was sick. It sounds so horrible, but selfishly, I loved those days because she was so mellow and would just lay in my arms all bundled up and watch TV. This now brings me to where I'm sitting right now - on the couch - in the same spot where she sat every single night to do her breathing treatment. She always had to hold the fish shaped mask by herself and turn the machine on and off. When I told her she was all done, she would have to look in the plastic chamber to make sure all the medicine was gone. In front of me on the floor is where she laid down while I changed about a trillion diapers. And to my very left is the front door where she would run to and scream, "GRAMPIES HERE!," when my parents would come down on Sundays. And then back to the stairs she walked down every morning and up every evening.

Now, at the top of that first flight of stairs sits a small white, shabby chic looking, bookcase made into a mini-memorial for Hailey's most precious life. Above it hangs a beautiful black frame with side by side 8x10 slots - one with a picture of her gorgeous face and the other with a footprint and handprint from the day of her viewing. On the bookshelf is our last family photo taken at the Laguna tide pools framed in a frame that has the words, " Family Moments / Cherished Memories" on opposite diagonal corners. There's also another adorable picture of Hailey with a face full of makeup from playing at Lexi's birthday party a week before she died. Along with these things are a lock of her precious blond hair that was cut on the day of her viewing, a small birdhouse that she painted at therapy and carried around with more pride than someone who just won the gold medal in the Olympics. There is also a Lay's tie tack that our neighbor Matt, Hailey's favorite person in the world, made for all the pallbearer's to wear at her funeral. Then there's the can that our neighbor Brandon used to collect over $800 from our loving and supportive neighbors, all of which we put toward the Hailey Mayz Foundation. On the bottom shelf is a quote that says, "The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." This was spoken by Joseph Smith Jr., a prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This beautiful memorial to my precious daughter is the first thing I see every morning when I come down the stairs and the last thing I see every night when I walk up the stairs - both using no hands!

I love you baby girl!

(I will add pictures of what I described above in the next couple days, so make sure to check back!)

Journal Entry: September 20, 2009

Hey Oogy-

I'm sitting here at your place struggling a little, as usual. I really miss you right now and for some reason I feel really far away from you. Karen has been out since Friday and we've been keeping really busy so I'm not sure if that's why I feel this way because I haven't really slowed down to feel your presence around me. But I have to admit that I also haven't been to church in a couple weeks for various reasons. I can't believe how much going to church really makes my week so much better. I'll be there this Sunday for sure!

Yesterday was the first day since you've been gone that I asked you for a dime and didn't get one. I have to admit that I'm pretty bummed about it. It was Sunday though and I didn't go to church so I could go to Laguna. Anyways, Daddy told me that's probably why you didn't send me a dime because you don't work on Sundays because you're too busy at church too! Or maybe you were just busting me for not going to church! But I'm really enjoying my time with Karen. She has been so supportive...listening to me talk about you and tell stories and laughing and crying with me. Please keep a special eye on her and her girls for me.

Today at the Irvine Spectrum I looked for a dime too and didn't find one. I also feel very empty today, like you're not around. Please don't ever go away. I already miss your physical presence more than words can define, so I don't know how I'll do without your spiritual presence too. Although, I know you're busy up there doing fun stuff and learning too so you can't be here all the time!

I just realized too that whenever I meet new people in the future they will never know you. It doesn't matter how much I talk about you or describe you or show pictures of you - none of that even does justice to meeting you and actually knowing you. I suddenly feel a special bond with those who knew you personally and experienced your amazing personality and spirit. You were freaking awesome...absolutely hilarious, crazy, strong, happy, loving, brave, etc. (okay and very difficult and loud at times too!) but people who didn't or don't get to see that in person are so cheated. And honestly, I feel cheated out of getting to show you off. I know that sounds very selfish, but I was so proud of you and just loved how everyone (even the harshest looking men) would stop and watch you and talk to you and rave to me about how cute you were. I used to always say that you could make a statue smile. I'm angry at times that that was taken away from me. Again, I know that's really selfish but don't forget that I'm still an average human being still living here in this self-centered earthly world.

I love you Ooge and I miss you. Please come back soon so I can feel your presence around me. I do rely on your little signs of the dimes to keep me going. Please, please, please don't stop sending them!

Love, Mommy

P.S. I forgot to add that Hailey sent me a dime the Friday before I wrote this. I went to pick up my friend from Boston and brought Hailey's old car seat for her daughter to use. When I put it in the car I saw some of Hailey's little crumbs in it and it really hit me hard. Then as I was driving to the airport I looked behind me to check my blind spot and was caught off guard when I saw Hailey's empty car seat sitting there. So I started talking to her and telling her how much I missed her and needed to feel her near me. While walking into the airport I looked everywhere for a dime, but found none. But...on the way out, walking the exact same path right there on the ground as we crossed the street was a dime! I couldn't believe it!!!! It was awesome for Karen to be there to see that too so I have a witness that I'm not going crazy! Whoo hoo! Thanks baby girl!

Journal Entry: September 17, 2009

Now that I've updated you all on how I'm currently doing (although it does vary day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute) I decided to get back to posting my previous journal entries until I catch up.

9-17-09

Hey Baby Girl-

I'm actually sitting in my car right now because I just needed a good cry and wanted to be alone. Hailey, I seriously miss you so very much. Life is just not the same. I'm doing very well on the outside because I have people I need to be strong for - mainly your sisters. But honestly, I'm dying inside. Tonight Lexi broke down and sobbed for the first time since the night we told her you passed away and I couldn't hold back my own grief and tears. We sat together on my bed and just cried, in each others arms, for you. She misses you so much. It breaks my heart to see her sad and not be able to fix it. I wish I could bring you back for her, just so she could see you again. Please Hailey, watch over your big sister. Take care of her and send her signs that you're with her. She really needs that right now.

Today was a good day, but I still felt very empty inside. I can't believe its been over 6 weeks since I've last seen you, touched you, held you, or heard your voice. Every day I take Lexi to school and ache inside to take you too. I just know how much you would have LOVED school, how proud you would have been everyday bringing home your little arts and crafts. I still have the little things you made in nursery at church on the fridge and you can believe that they now have a permanent spot there! (See bottom for photos) Those thoughts of how you would be in preschool literally rip me apart. Sometimes, selfishly, I feel so angry that I was robbed of those experiences. I say selfishly because I know you'd rather be where you are right now than in preschool. But again, selfishly, I feel like after all the hard work I've put in over the past 3 years to keep you alive, healthy, and happy...all the doctors and specialists visits, hospital stays, illnesses, breathing treatments, medicines, feedings through your tube, research, ups and downs, worries, pain and heartache, etc., etc., etc., I deserve to watch you go to school and grow up and hit all those major milestones that every parent dreams of for their child. Yet, then I think about you and all the hard work you put in. You were right there beside me putting in 100 times more effort in all those areas than I was...just trying to stay alive and healthy and happy. I have to scold myself wondering who I think I am and how dare I feel like I deserve anything. I mean, I got to be your mommy, what a huge blessing and honor in itself. But it's you that deserves everything good. It's you that deserves to rest in paradise and take a break from all your hard work and struggles. It's you that deserves to have no more pain or gagging. It's you that deserves all the happiness possible.

The other day we went to Alex's birthday party at Build A Bear and I had to work really hard to keep it together. You were supposed to go too, so I couldn't help but wonder what bear you would have picked out. Then I got on to imagining how much you would have loved bathing him and picking out his clothes and dressing him. I could just see you walking with the box your bear would have been in, carrying it (actually dragging it because it's literally as tall as you and I know you wouldn't have even considered letting me help) with a huge smile of pride on your face. Okay, and who am I kidding, those of you who know me well know that I would have been thoroughly annoyed that you would have insisted on carrying that box yourself!!! Anyways, I could literally see and feel your excitement as you ran out of the car to show Daddy your new bear. It's times like those that I want to curl up in a ball and die with you.

I did hear you again the other night at Dave and Busters when I was walking with Ava through the arcade area. I remember showing her all the lights and genuinely enjoying my time with her when I was suddenly stabbed with a feeling of guilt. I didn't want you to think that I didn't miss you anymore or that I would let Ava take your place. That's when I heard you in my head say to me, "Don't worry mom, it's okay. Go ahead and bond with Ava. I did this for you, so you could have a break from all the stress and worry." I remember stopping in my tracks because I wasn't sure what to make of what I heard or if it was real. Then I felt you again, prod me along, saying, "It's okay Mom, go ahead." What an experience! The only time I've ever had an experience like that in my entire life was when I heard you tell me you chose to go. I don't know what you meant when you said you did this for me, because this isn't what I want. What I want is you back. I would take every second of stress and heartache and worry and whatever else back in a heartbeat just to have you here.

Hailey, you mean the world to me and I will NEVER, EVER forget you. Everyday I think about you yelling, "Arabesque!" (That's a ballet move Lexi used to do!) I remember seeing your little face peeking out the window at therapy when I'd go to pick you up. I'd come around the corner and your face would light up with the biggest smile ever and you would yell, "Mommy here!" The pain that memory invokes is like none other. My stomach feels like it jumps out of my throat every time I think of it. I would literally give ANYTHING to experience that just one more time. That is one of my favorite memories of you and I replay it in my head over and over and over again. I've come to realize how much family really matters in life and how unimportant other things truly are.

I miss you baby girl. I still haven't touched your clothes. I just can't right now, the pain is so fresh and intense. Although, yesterday was my first "normal" day without you and I made it through. By normal I mean back to what our usual schedule was. The afternoon/early evening was tough though because that's when you would be waking up from your nap and running around the house playing with and yelling at me and Lexi! Plus, Auntie Kim, Daddy, Grammies, and Grampies were all out of town for the night so that made it even harder. So I grabbed your sisters, went to the library, checked out some books, and then went to your place and sat with Ava while Lexi read to you. On the way home, Lexi and I put on your favorite song, "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield (you called it "The Rain Song!") and we sang at the top of our lungs to you! I think that's the first time I listened to music since you passed away.

I love you my Hailey girl.

Love, Mommy

P.S.

Tonight was Lexi's Back to School Night. I was looking in her writing journal and she wrote, "I have 2 sisters. I have the best family ever. I live with my family. There are 5 people in my family." My eyes welled up in tears and I felt the love she has for you. She will never forget you either.

Hailey's Artwork on the Fridge

May 2009
She made this in nursery at church.
She was soooo proud when she brought it to me!!
(Be honest...doesn't it kind of look like her?)

Hailey made this at therapy.

March 2009
She made this at her assessment for preschool.

Current Update

Hi All-

As you all know from reading my blog, most of my entries are from my journal and not exactly current. I've had some people emailing me asking me how I am currently doing, right now, after 2 months without my baby girl. In response to those questions and concerns, I thought I'd do an update as of today. I am trying to get up to date so I'm going to start doing two or three posts a day until I catch up with my journal. So when you read make sure to keep scrolling down just in case there are several new posts!

Datewise, today is 2 months since Hailey passed away. To be totally honest, I didn't even realize it until a few people emailed and texted me worried about how my day was going and it finally dawned on me that today was the 11th. I have to say though, that I am so grateful that they were concerned and thinking of us.

All in all I would say that we are doing very well considering it's only been 2 months. I definitely have my good moments and bad moments, some great and some so hard I feel like I can't go on. In some ways I feel like it's getting harder as time goes on. I see life going on around us, not only the lives of others, but our life too. I know it's inevitable and totally necessary, however it's also very difficult. With Halloween and the holidays coming up I find myself missing Hailey even more and more, which I never thought possible. Every day that goes by is one more day longer than I last held her, if that makes sense. But, it's also one more day closer to when I get to see her and hold her again! The holidays are always more fun with children, especially when they're old enough to understand them and get excited about them. Last year was the first year that Hailey was finally starting to really enjoy the holidays! I remember so clearly that she refused to get out of her Halloween costume. She would tantrum like crazy when I would try to take it off...check out the picture below, it wasn't one of those costumes I could just let her wear out, otherwise I would have had no problem with her leaving it on! Anyways, this is one of the things that I am really going to miss. Not to mention, I just realized the other day that I'll never have a picture of all 3 of my girls together in their Halloween costumes (Ava was still cooking last Halloween!).

Here are some photos from last Halloween:

Hailey in her costume!
(Auntie Kim picked it out!)

At the pumpkin patch.
(Staring off into Heaven?)

Carving pumpkins with Daddy & Lexi.

Yes, she actually liked eating the pumpkin guts!!!

Our Family Picture!

Although these next few months are going to be very difficult, I take a lot of comfort in my other children. Little do they know the important job they have right now of keeping their mommy sane! However, one of the best pieces of advice I have received throughout this entire experience came from a dear friend who lost a sibling. Although she was an adult at the time, she told me how her mother had completely shut down after her brother's death. Her mother wouldn't come out of her room for days, talk about him or celebrate holidays. She also still won't take a family picture even though its been 5 years. This made it very difficult on my friend to deal with her brother's passing. Even as an adult, she still needed her mother to be there for her, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Although everyone deals with grief differently and it's not necessarily her mother's fault that she's had such a difficult time with her son's passing, it still affects my friend a lot. So she asked me to please try not to do that to my children. She asked me not to take away the joys of their childhood such as holidays, family times, pictures, experiences, etc. because Hailey isn't physically here with us. That conversation has had a very profound effect on me and the way I've dealt with Hailey's passing. Honestly, I would have probably thought I should have been sad around Lexi as much as possible so she would know how much I miss Hailey, but I now see that in a completely different light. It's not my children's fault that Hailey passed away, nor is it my fault, therefore, I owe it to them, my family, and Hailey to continue living and celebrating. Although we are still going to miss her dearly during every holiday and family event, I KNOW that she is literally here with us, celebrating and watching. How would she feel to see us sad and miserable over her? I am making it my mission to keep as much normalcy in the girls' lives as possible. I made sure that Lexi's first day of school was all it should have been. And I will make sure to enjoy Halloween with them and Thanksgiving and Christmas, and so on.

Prior to Hailey passing away I remember always thinking of how sad it was for people who have died, that they would miss out on all their family's big events, such as births, graduations, weddings, etc. Now, knowing what I know, through my faith, that is NOT the case. Hailey IS here. All of our loved ones who have passed on before us are literally here, spiritually, watching, listening and celebrating with us at EVERY major event and even many of the minor day to day ones. After reading the book, The Message, that I mentioned before, I KNOW that Hailey is here with us all the time! I feel her, I hear her, I see all the signs that she sends us!!! When I see her again she'll already know about all the special times we spent together as a family because she was there just as we all were.

On a more religious, spiritual note, Hailey's passing has really made my faith and our Savior, Jesus Christ REAL. I always believed it and in Him, but now I KNOW more than anything that He is real. Easter, especially, will have an even more profound meaning for me this year. This is because of the fact that our Savior died and rose from the dead, which means that my daughter will rise again as well! Because He now lives, my daughter also now lives. What in the world would I do without this knowledge? Where in the world would I be? Because of Him, I have HOPE! It is such a beautiful thing!

For those of you who were at church with me today, you have already heard me say this, but I wanted to say it again for those who weren't. I cannot even begin to thank all of you who have served us either physically, through a prayer, a note, a comment on my blog, a thought, a small show of support, or whatever it may be. You have acted on our Savior's behalf and therefore, I pray that you will be personally blessed for that. Unfortunately, He cannot be here physically to hug me or talk to me aloud when I need it, which is where you all come in. Your service, no matter how big or small, is His service. One of my favorite scriptures ever is: Matthew 25: 40 - "...Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." I have never seen this so literally as in the past 2 months. What an honor it is for me (and my family) to receive your individual acts of service, love, and support. You have worked miracles in my life and I know Hailey is aware of all you've done for her family. Our Savior relies on people like you to help Him do His work here on the Earth and I have to say that you're all doing a great job, at least for me!

With all this being said, I want you all to know that we are doing okay. We are hanging in there and taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I miss Hailey so much I feel like my heart is going to burst into a million pieces. I feel like my body is going shrivel up from the loss of so many tears. I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and never get up again. Yet, it's in those times that my Savior comforts me and sends one of you my way with a note, call, prayer, or visit to Hailey's place. The poem, Footprints in the Sand, has always been one of my favorites. Now I know why. My faith has seen me through and become stronger than ever. For this I am eternally grateful. I saw the best quote the other day at a friend's house. It said, "Today's test is tomorrow's testimony." Wow! I plan to make that so true in my life.

P.S. Two last things:

1. Thank you so much to those of you who visit "Hailey's Place." You have no idea the joy it brings when I go there and see a little memento left from someone who took the time to go visit my baby girl!!!

Hailey's Place
(All decked out for Halloween!)

Sorry the picture isn't the best but it was taken with a cell phone. Anyways, there are things from so many different visitors: a flag, flowers, pinwheels, notes, a scarecrow, pumpkin, little sign that says "Happy Haunting" (That was from me...I'm sorry, but I thought it was funny!), and a plate with some Lay's potato chips, apple juice, and bubbles from a little celebration that Hailey's nursery at church had for her today!

2. I currently post all comments you write to me, however if you would prefer me not to publish something you write please just let me know in your comment. Also, please feel free to include your personal email address (I won't publish it!) if you'd like me to respond back to you. Thanks!!!

With so much love and gratitude,

Wendy

Journal Entry: September 15, 2009

Hey Baby Girl-

I'm sitting here at your place having a picnic with Daddy, Lexi, and Ava for Family Night. Dad and Lexi are playing a Star Wars board game. (Lexi picked it out for Daddy for his birthday!) Skivs (Ava's nickname...I know we have VERY weird nicknames!) is sitting right here beside me in her stroller yelling. Yep, freaking yelling! You are so busted! Ever since you left, Skivs has taken over your job of yelling. I'm wondering if you had something to do with that. Yes, I miss you more than words could ever accurately describe and yes, I even miss you yelling sometimes, but seriously?!?!!! Could you please do me a favor and tell Skivs I'm doing okay so she can back off the yelling a little? I would really appreciate that! Just for the record though...you would be so proud of her yelling! She's definitely not nearly as good as you were, but she is getting better each day!!!

Your place here is absolutely "beau-ful!" Rachel and Alex came by today and left you a little teddy bear and white flowers all around your name. It looked so pretty. Auntie "Leesha" left you a balloon and Kelli B left you a flower and a little pinwheel, so you're getting a lot of visitors, which makes me so happy! I've only misssed one day so far since you've been here and honestly it still bugs me, but at least the reason was out of my control. I'm leaving you a bag of Lay's chips to make up for it!

I love you!

The First Day of School

Journal Entry Written: September 11, 2009

Hey Oogy-

Well yesterday didn't turn out as tough as I thought it would. It was Lexi's first day of school and what would have been your first day of preschool. The night before, I ran to the store to get Lexi some stuff for lunch. We decided to surprise her with a bag of Lay's chips from you in her backpack. As soon as I saw the bags of chips in the supermarket aisle I lost it. I was able to slightly pull myself together for the 3 minutes it took me to checkout, but as soon as I stepped out of the store the floodgates opened full force and I sobbed. I couldn't help but picture your adorable little face, with that huge proud smile on it and your excitement radiating everywhere on your first day of school. It crushed me to my core. I felt that it was so unfair, SO UNFAIR. After I had worked so hard over the last 3 years at raising you and just keeping you alive at times, when you were finally at the top of your game, ready to be a "normal" preschool child, you were just ripped out of my life. Almost in an instant you were gone. Why don't I get to see my baby girl start preschool? Don't I deserve to see your proud face as you ride the "lellow bus?" Shouldn't I have a picture of my 2 girls together on their first day of school? So why this? Why me? Why you? Just plain WHY?

As I'm crying and playing into my own little pity party, I felt you say to me, "Mom, I'm in school. The best school you could ever imagine and I'm loving it!" That is awesome, but still selfishly I want to see it. I want to watch you learn and grow. Yet, once again, I am reminded that you chose to be there and that you're happy. You have no idea the peace and comfort that gives me. I could just feel you sitting there in my car with me, hugging me, and giving me peace.

The morning went as good as I could have expected...maybe even a little better. I decided I needed to put my sadness aside and give Lexi the best first day of school send off. She deserved that and I know you wouldn't have wanted anything less. So I cried my eyes out the night before and then woke up in the morning ready to celebrate your big sister's first day of 1st grade! We brought your little monkey so we could take pictures and remember that you were there with us. I even smiled in the pictures...I have to boast a little and say I was very proud of myself!

My mom took this picture and when I looked at it later I noticed Hailey in the background smiling for her big sister!

All of us smiling!

My "3" girls.

I don't think I ever realized how much you loved me until all this has happened. Thank you so much for being there and watching over your sister on her first day of school. We were really nervous because of one of the boys in her class, but she LOVES her teacher and made some new friends and it all turned out awesome! When Nancy called to tell me who Lexi's teacher was she specifically said, "Someone is watching over you!" Hmmm...I wonder who that could be! Apparently her teacher is one of the best, especially for her situation right now. So thank you again for taking care of your big sister. She loves you more that you will ever know.

Anyways...Now I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you for my dime!!! You ALWAYS come through for me when I need you!

(For those of you who don't know what I mean by the dime, let me share another miracle from my little girl. After we dropped Lexi off at school on her first day, we went out to breakfast to help me keep busy since it was such a tough day. By we, I mean my mom, and 2 other close family friends. Anyways, of course, I'm looking everywhere for my dime! After paying we all took our food outside and then I walked back into the restaurant to get my drink. As I walked up to the soda fountain (Yes, Diet Coke at breakfast. I figured I deserved a break that day!) I saw something twinkle in the light and right on the floor next to a lady's foot was a dime. Yep...I'm totally serious!)

Another entry from later the same day...

Back again! Lexi and Auntie Kim are sitting together at your place talking to you while I'm waiting here in the car with Ava. It touches my heart to see them together telling you everything about their day. They love you so much...as do I.

Love Always,

Mommy

Awesome Dime Story!

I wrote this in my journal September 8, 2009:

Today started out rough. I was really missing Hailey ALOT. Lexi and I even sat and cried together for a while. One of our great friends Laura, must have been inspired and called to invite us to Wild Rivers. I mustered up some strength and headed out with Lexi and Ava. It was an absolutely "Beau-ful" day...except that Hailey wasn't there! We did have a great time, but I couldn't help thinking of Hailey all day and how much she would have LOVED it there. I could see her huge smile and hear her high pitched scream as she went down the little water slides and played in the kiddie pools. So, of course, I asked her to send me a dime. I looked ALL day, feeling confident that she would send me one, but also a little hesitant to get my hopes up since it was a water park and all. When we were leaving, I still hadn't found one so I was very bummed out.

As we were walking out, Lexi told me she had to use the restroom. Lexi and her friend went into the building by themselves, so after a few minutes I decided to go check on them. They were in the last stall together and as I walked by all the other stalls my eyes were wildly scanning the floor for my dime...none. The girls were fine and since there was no one else in the restroom, I walked back outside to wait for them, continually checking the floor. While outside, I started talking to Hailey out loud (good thing there was no one else there!) telling her how much I missed her and how much fun she would have had there and how I was kind of disappointed that she didn't send me my dime. I also told her how I understood that I may not get a dime every single time I ask and how she might be busy doing new stuff! Anyways, the next thing I know Lexi is calling me for help with her bathing suit, so I turned around and walked back into the bathroom. As I approached the third stall I looked down and there right in the middle of the floor, glimmering in the stream of light coming through the window, was the shiniest dime I've ever seen!!! I literally couldn't believe it. There was NO ONE in the bathroom before, during, or after the incident and I had already walked down that exact pathway scanning the floor the entire time! I KNOW that there was NO way that dime was there before. Wow! My baby girl came through for me once again. She WAS there with me all day and did enjoy the water park!! I was on Cloud 9 for the rest of the day! My baby girl loves me!

Journal Entry: September 7, 2009

Hey Ooge-

Today is Labor Day and I'm feeling your absence a little more than usual. It's been so quiet around the house without you here. I really miss your voice laughing and yes, sometimes even yelling! Today Auntie Kim and I were laying in the hallway playing with Lexi and Ava. I just stopped for a minute and thought of you and how much you would have loved that moment. I can't believe that tomorrow will be one month since you left. It's just crazy to me. I can't believe I haven't held you or heard your voice in an entire month. I miss you so much. We have the cutest little monkey that we carry around with us to represent you. Why a monkey? Because you used to always say, "Oo Oo Aah Aah," with the hugest smile on your face! So we figued that would be the best thing to use! It's small enough to fit in my purse, so it's always with us when we go anywhere as a family.

So school starts this week and that's going to be really tough. I can just picture how adorable you would have looked on your first day! Not to mention how excited you would have been! What I wouldn't give to have a picture of you and Lexi together on your first day of school. I'm really going to need you there with me that day, so I'm asking you to please send me a dime, or come visit me!!!

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Mommy

Thank You

Before I begin my next journal entry I want to take a second to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read my blog and walk beside me in my journey through this grief. Although I don't personally respond to each and every one of you, please know that I read and cherish every single comment that you send.

Knowing that I have such wonderful people out there supporting me gives me comfort like you would never know. Whenever I see a comment on my blog I am so excited to open it and see what you have to say! So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love, support, and willingness to walk with me. I often ask Hailey to watch over those who care for her family members, so I know all of you, whether you comment or not, are being blessed just for caring.

With Love,

Hailey's Mommy

Journal Entry: September 6, 2009

Hi Baby-

Well I'm doing pretty good today. The last few days have been okay. I just wanted to tell you a neat story Grampies told me last night. Lexi spent the night at their house and when she walked in there were pictures of you on their counter. Lexi picked them up and asked Grampies if he would sit and look at them with her. Of course he said yes. She told him that she didn't want to look at them but she needed to. As they were going through the pictures, Lexi was telling Grampies how much she missed you. All of a sudden she asked Grampies if she could have a minute alone. She went into their bedroom and knelt down on the floor by the bed, put her hands on the bed and started talking to you. (Grampies was spying through the blinds from outside.) He said he couldn't hear everything she was saying, but he did hear her telling you how much she misses you. I know she does. She's a strong little girl, but I'm worried about her. She won't let herself cry, at least in front of people, which worries me. I'm worried that she has all these emotions built up and doesn't know how to release them. So please baby, I'm begging you once again, to watch over your big sister. Please send her little signs, talk to her, and stay close to her for me. She loves and needs you.

I love you baby girl.

Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: September 3, 2009

Hi Oogy-

I'm here at your place with Lexi, Ava, Rachel, and Alex. We went today and bought you a flag and some flowers. Your place was really bare and we still don't have a stone for you so I wanted to liven it up a bit. I got you a cute little flag that has a bear on it holding a bunch of heart balloons. I liked it because you had a heart shaped balloon once and from that point on you called every balloon you saw a "hart boon." Three of the balloons say Live, Love, Laugh. I thought it was a good reminder of you and also a good message for others to see when they visit. The bear kind of looks like a boy so I bought a pink fabric marker and wrote your name her shirt and put a bow on her ear! I also got you the cutest little polka dotted pot and put a plant of bright yellow Snapdragons in it. Lexi and Alex picked out some flowers and pots too. Your place is totally stylin' now!!!

I love you tons and want you to know that so far today has been a "beau-ful" day!

Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: September 2, 2009

Hailey,

I'm really struggling today. I miss you so much its almost unbearable. I can't stand it. I can barely see as I write this because the tears are pouring down. All I can think about is how much I miss you and long to hear your voice yelling, "arabesque," as you kick your leg up in the ballet move Lexi taught you. You were so hilarious! I can't stop thinking about your excited little face when I used to pick you up from therapy. These are two totally random memories, but I just can't stop crying over them. The pain, loneliness and emptiness I feel without you here is indescribable. I just want to be alone and cry. I'm sitting here at your place and just aching for you. Going on in life without you physically here seems like something I just do. I so selfishly want you back. The funny thing is, I know you're here with me. I've heard you in my head twice now saying, "Mommy I'm here." But for some reason right now that's not comforting me. I want to see you physically, hear your voice out loud, touch you and hold you. I don't ever want to leave this spot. I just want to crawl in the ground with you and shake you and tell you to wake up. I want to see those bright blue eyes open wide and that "beau-ful" smile light up. I know one day I will...but right now I'm dying inside.

I long for that amazing feeling of peace and comfort you gave me the day I saw you for the first time after you died. I know you were standing right there with me that day. And I want you here with me today, right now.

I feel like it's been long enough and we passed this test. We had your funeral, stuck together as a family, stayed faithful and close to Heavenly Father, never blamed Him or cursed Him, still go to church, etc. You've touched and changed more lives than we'll ever know, so now its time to end this whole charade and bring you back. Living without you here has gone on long enough and now we're ready for our old life back with you here. I can totally hear you yelling, "But Mommy Me HERE!!!" :) So just to clear things up...I want you here PHYSICALLY, not just in spirit. But since that's not an option right now, I'll keep taking the signs. I can't thank you enough for those and I literally live for finding dimes. So I'm begging you to please keep sending them! I never knew there were so many random dimes (and Lay's Potato chip trucks) in this world!

I promise that I will strive everyday of my life to make you proud that I'm your mommy. I want you to look down on me and say to your friends there in Heaven with a smile and pride in your eyes, "That's my Mommy!"

Well Auntie "Bim" just got here so I'm going to visit with her and laugh at your funny memories. You are so lucky to have such an amazing aunt. Hailey, she loves you and misses you soooo much. Please watch over her and take care of her.

Before I go, I'm begging you again to please stay around here with me as much as you can. And keep sending me those dimes -I need the money! I'm just kidding, but they do keep me going day to day.

I love you baby girl.

Love Mommy

Journal Entry: August 31, 2009

So we found another dime today, but before I write about that one, I need to write about the other ones I've founds so far. I might forget one or two but I'll eventually remember. I'm trying to keep track of them all so I can eventually write them in a little book for myself. I also painted a little box at Color Me Mine to save all the special dimes I find in.
Last Tuesday we went to Disneyland again and I was even more worried than last week. I mean who goes to Disneyland twice within the first 2 week of losing a child? Anyways, my mother-in-law left that morning and I was really sad about that. I prayed the night before and talked to Hailey all day begging her for my dime so I'd know she was there. The night before I had finished a book called The Message, by Lance Richardson (It's AWESOME!) which proved to me that our family and friends who have passed on DO really leave signs and visit us. So by about 8pm I was starting to get really discouraged and sad that I never found a dime.
After dinner we were walking out and everyone took the stairs down to the main floor. Lexi had to use the restroom so we were running behind and on the way out we decided to take the elevator down instead of the stairs, since they were all the way on the other side of the restaurant. As I walked out of the elevator and through the restaurant, there on the floor right next to some random guy's table was a shiny dime!!! I seriously couldn't believe it!!! I spend 8 hours...8 hours, looking and hoping and praying and begging for the sign of a dime! Once again, my baby girl was there and listening to me. She loves her mommy!

The next day I took Ava up to my parents' house for the day while Sean took Lexi to an Angel's game. I didn't want to be greedy (There could always be a recession in Heaven too for all I know!), but I asked Hailey, once again, to send me a sign that she was with us that day. When I got to my parents' house there was a parking spot right in front of their house and for some strange reason I parked across the street and down 2 houses. I was on my cell phone at the time, so I probably wasn't even really paying attention, but...when I got out of my car and walked around to open the trunk, no joke, right there on the ground directly below my trunk was a dime!!! I mean seriously, who finds dimes that often? I seem to only find them when I truly need one!!

On a side note, that book I referred to is amazing. It's about a man who died and went to the Spirit World and eventually came back. So of you may think it's a hoax, which is completely okay with me, but when you read it, I believe you'll change your mind. It's not a very long book and it doesn't preach any one religion. It literally changed my life and view of where Hailey is and what she's doing there!!!