Awesome Dime Story!

I wrote this in my journal September 8, 2009:

Today started out rough. I was really missing Hailey ALOT. Lexi and I even sat and cried together for a while. One of our great friends Laura, must have been inspired and called to invite us to Wild Rivers. I mustered up some strength and headed out with Lexi and Ava. It was an absolutely "Beau-ful" day...except that Hailey wasn't there! We did have a great time, but I couldn't help thinking of Hailey all day and how much she would have LOVED it there. I could see her huge smile and hear her high pitched scream as she went down the little water slides and played in the kiddie pools. So, of course, I asked her to send me a dime. I looked ALL day, feeling confident that she would send me one, but also a little hesitant to get my hopes up since it was a water park and all. When we were leaving, I still hadn't found one so I was very bummed out.

As we were walking out, Lexi told me she had to use the restroom. Lexi and her friend went into the building by themselves, so after a few minutes I decided to go check on them. They were in the last stall together and as I walked by all the other stalls my eyes were wildly scanning the floor for my dime...none. The girls were fine and since there was no one else in the restroom, I walked back outside to wait for them, continually checking the floor. While outside, I started talking to Hailey out loud (good thing there was no one else there!) telling her how much I missed her and how much fun she would have had there and how I was kind of disappointed that she didn't send me my dime. I also told her how I understood that I may not get a dime every single time I ask and how she might be busy doing new stuff! Anyways, the next thing I know Lexi is calling me for help with her bathing suit, so I turned around and walked back into the bathroom. As I approached the third stall I looked down and there right in the middle of the floor, glimmering in the stream of light coming through the window, was the shiniest dime I've ever seen!!! I literally couldn't believe it. There was NO ONE in the bathroom before, during, or after the incident and I had already walked down that exact pathway scanning the floor the entire time! I KNOW that there was NO way that dime was there before. Wow! My baby girl came through for me once again. She WAS there with me all day and did enjoy the water park!! I was on Cloud 9 for the rest of the day! My baby girl loves me!

Journal Entry: September 7, 2009

Hey Ooge-

Today is Labor Day and I'm feeling your absence a little more than usual. It's been so quiet around the house without you here. I really miss your voice laughing and yes, sometimes even yelling! Today Auntie Kim and I were laying in the hallway playing with Lexi and Ava. I just stopped for a minute and thought of you and how much you would have loved that moment. I can't believe that tomorrow will be one month since you left. It's just crazy to me. I can't believe I haven't held you or heard your voice in an entire month. I miss you so much. We have the cutest little monkey that we carry around with us to represent you. Why a monkey? Because you used to always say, "Oo Oo Aah Aah," with the hugest smile on your face! So we figued that would be the best thing to use! It's small enough to fit in my purse, so it's always with us when we go anywhere as a family.

So school starts this week and that's going to be really tough. I can just picture how adorable you would have looked on your first day! Not to mention how excited you would have been! What I wouldn't give to have a picture of you and Lexi together on your first day of school. I'm really going to need you there with me that day, so I'm asking you to please send me a dime, or come visit me!!!

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Mommy

Thank You

Before I begin my next journal entry I want to take a second to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read my blog and walk beside me in my journey through this grief. Although I don't personally respond to each and every one of you, please know that I read and cherish every single comment that you send.

Knowing that I have such wonderful people out there supporting me gives me comfort like you would never know. Whenever I see a comment on my blog I am so excited to open it and see what you have to say! So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love, support, and willingness to walk with me. I often ask Hailey to watch over those who care for her family members, so I know all of you, whether you comment or not, are being blessed just for caring.

With Love,

Hailey's Mommy

Journal Entry: September 6, 2009

Hi Baby-

Well I'm doing pretty good today. The last few days have been okay. I just wanted to tell you a neat story Grampies told me last night. Lexi spent the night at their house and when she walked in there were pictures of you on their counter. Lexi picked them up and asked Grampies if he would sit and look at them with her. Of course he said yes. She told him that she didn't want to look at them but she needed to. As they were going through the pictures, Lexi was telling Grampies how much she missed you. All of a sudden she asked Grampies if she could have a minute alone. She went into their bedroom and knelt down on the floor by the bed, put her hands on the bed and started talking to you. (Grampies was spying through the blinds from outside.) He said he couldn't hear everything she was saying, but he did hear her telling you how much she misses you. I know she does. She's a strong little girl, but I'm worried about her. She won't let herself cry, at least in front of people, which worries me. I'm worried that she has all these emotions built up and doesn't know how to release them. So please baby, I'm begging you once again, to watch over your big sister. Please send her little signs, talk to her, and stay close to her for me. She loves and needs you.

I love you baby girl.

Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: September 3, 2009

Hi Oogy-

I'm here at your place with Lexi, Ava, Rachel, and Alex. We went today and bought you a flag and some flowers. Your place was really bare and we still don't have a stone for you so I wanted to liven it up a bit. I got you a cute little flag that has a bear on it holding a bunch of heart balloons. I liked it because you had a heart shaped balloon once and from that point on you called every balloon you saw a "hart boon." Three of the balloons say Live, Love, Laugh. I thought it was a good reminder of you and also a good message for others to see when they visit. The bear kind of looks like a boy so I bought a pink fabric marker and wrote your name her shirt and put a bow on her ear! I also got you the cutest little polka dotted pot and put a plant of bright yellow Snapdragons in it. Lexi and Alex picked out some flowers and pots too. Your place is totally stylin' now!!!

I love you tons and want you to know that so far today has been a "beau-ful" day!

Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: September 2, 2009

Hailey,

I'm really struggling today. I miss you so much its almost unbearable. I can't stand it. I can barely see as I write this because the tears are pouring down. All I can think about is how much I miss you and long to hear your voice yelling, "arabesque," as you kick your leg up in the ballet move Lexi taught you. You were so hilarious! I can't stop thinking about your excited little face when I used to pick you up from therapy. These are two totally random memories, but I just can't stop crying over them. The pain, loneliness and emptiness I feel without you here is indescribable. I just want to be alone and cry. I'm sitting here at your place and just aching for you. Going on in life without you physically here seems like something I just do. I so selfishly want you back. The funny thing is, I know you're here with me. I've heard you in my head twice now saying, "Mommy I'm here." But for some reason right now that's not comforting me. I want to see you physically, hear your voice out loud, touch you and hold you. I don't ever want to leave this spot. I just want to crawl in the ground with you and shake you and tell you to wake up. I want to see those bright blue eyes open wide and that "beau-ful" smile light up. I know one day I will...but right now I'm dying inside.

I long for that amazing feeling of peace and comfort you gave me the day I saw you for the first time after you died. I know you were standing right there with me that day. And I want you here with me today, right now.

I feel like it's been long enough and we passed this test. We had your funeral, stuck together as a family, stayed faithful and close to Heavenly Father, never blamed Him or cursed Him, still go to church, etc. You've touched and changed more lives than we'll ever know, so now its time to end this whole charade and bring you back. Living without you here has gone on long enough and now we're ready for our old life back with you here. I can totally hear you yelling, "But Mommy Me HERE!!!" :) So just to clear things up...I want you here PHYSICALLY, not just in spirit. But since that's not an option right now, I'll keep taking the signs. I can't thank you enough for those and I literally live for finding dimes. So I'm begging you to please keep sending them! I never knew there were so many random dimes (and Lay's Potato chip trucks) in this world!

I promise that I will strive everyday of my life to make you proud that I'm your mommy. I want you to look down on me and say to your friends there in Heaven with a smile and pride in your eyes, "That's my Mommy!"

Well Auntie "Bim" just got here so I'm going to visit with her and laugh at your funny memories. You are so lucky to have such an amazing aunt. Hailey, she loves you and misses you soooo much. Please watch over her and take care of her.

Before I go, I'm begging you again to please stay around here with me as much as you can. And keep sending me those dimes -I need the money! I'm just kidding, but they do keep me going day to day.

I love you baby girl.

Love Mommy

Journal Entry: August 31, 2009

So we found another dime today, but before I write about that one, I need to write about the other ones I've founds so far. I might forget one or two but I'll eventually remember. I'm trying to keep track of them all so I can eventually write them in a little book for myself. I also painted a little box at Color Me Mine to save all the special dimes I find in.
Last Tuesday we went to Disneyland again and I was even more worried than last week. I mean who goes to Disneyland twice within the first 2 week of losing a child? Anyways, my mother-in-law left that morning and I was really sad about that. I prayed the night before and talked to Hailey all day begging her for my dime so I'd know she was there. The night before I had finished a book called The Message, by Lance Richardson (It's AWESOME!) which proved to me that our family and friends who have passed on DO really leave signs and visit us. So by about 8pm I was starting to get really discouraged and sad that I never found a dime.
After dinner we were walking out and everyone took the stairs down to the main floor. Lexi had to use the restroom so we were running behind and on the way out we decided to take the elevator down instead of the stairs, since they were all the way on the other side of the restaurant. As I walked out of the elevator and through the restaurant, there on the floor right next to some random guy's table was a shiny dime!!! I seriously couldn't believe it!!! I spend 8 hours...8 hours, looking and hoping and praying and begging for the sign of a dime! Once again, my baby girl was there and listening to me. She loves her mommy!

The next day I took Ava up to my parents' house for the day while Sean took Lexi to an Angel's game. I didn't want to be greedy (There could always be a recession in Heaven too for all I know!), but I asked Hailey, once again, to send me a sign that she was with us that day. When I got to my parents' house there was a parking spot right in front of their house and for some strange reason I parked across the street and down 2 houses. I was on my cell phone at the time, so I probably wasn't even really paying attention, but...when I got out of my car and walked around to open the trunk, no joke, right there on the ground directly below my trunk was a dime!!! I mean seriously, who finds dimes that often? I seem to only find them when I truly need one!!

On a side note, that book I referred to is amazing. It's about a man who died and went to the Spirit World and eventually came back. So of you may think it's a hoax, which is completely okay with me, but when you read it, I believe you'll change your mind. It's not a very long book and it doesn't preach any one religion. It literally changed my life and view of where Hailey is and what she's doing there!!!