Journal Entry: August 30, 2009

Hey My Little Oogy-

Well I'm really starting to miss you more and more each day. Last night I gave Ava a bath for the first time since you passed away...yes she has been getting regular baths!!! Anyways, I almost lost it. I kept picturing your naked little chicken butt climbing into the tub. Looking at your Dora bubble bath just hurt so much. Later that night I was looking at the program from your service and broke down hysterically. I really needed a good cry.

I miss everything about you. I miss your light golden blonde hair and the ratted nest it made. I miss your almond shaped bright blue eyes. I miss your little ears that I never pierced because I couldn't bear the thought of poking one more hole in you and putting you in any extra unnecessary pain. I miss your little button nose and crooked teeth. I miss that gorgeous smile and infectious giggle that came out of your mouth when I tickled you. I miss your little chin and the cute freckle you had just below it. I miss your skinny little arms and your strawberry red hemangioma birthmark. I miss your little belly and g-tube site. I miss your cute little "Mickey" button where we attached your g-tube. I miss your little bum and the two perfect dimples you had right above each cheek. I miss your adorable legs and the scar you had on your knee from when you fell at swimming lessons. (You were so brave that day!) I miss your little feet and those crooked toes that looked just like Daddies! I miss how different you look from your two sisters and how much you look just like your Grandma Pat! I miss hearing your yell, believe it or not, I'm really missing that so much right now. I miss your adorable voice and the way you used to say your words with a German accent. I miss how you were always up for eating, no matter how hard it was for you. I miss how you'd get up in the morning and the first thing you'd say with a huge smile on your face was, "peesh." I miss how proud you were of yourself everytime you did something new or that you thought was difficult. I miss hearing you say, "Mommy, lookgh," as you would proudly walk down the stairs with no hands. I miss seeing you run in our room telling Daddy, "Me beau-ful," when you were all dressed for church. I miss seeing you suck your upper lip whenever you were tired. I miss checking on you and changing your diaper every single night before I went to bed. I miss peeking in the nursery at church and watching you following directions with all the other kids. I miss when you would come meet me in Young Women's after church with the biggest smile ever on your face as you showed me what you made that day in nursery. I miss watching you and Lexi play together as she would dress you and put makeup on you and teach you all she knew. I miss watching how sweet you always were to Ava, giving her hugs and kisses. I miss how excited you were about life and everything that it brought your way. I miss how much you loved swimming lessons and how proud you were of yourself when you would tell me, "Mommy, me no cry!" I miss hearing you yell, "beep," or "lellow bus" everytime we'd drive by a jeep or yellow bus. I miss how you would say, "All done!," when you didn't want to do something anymore, even if we had just begun. I miss how you would say, "Almorsht done," when you were taking forever to eat and I would tell you it was time for a nap. I miss how adorable and proud you were when it was your turn to get your hair cut the day before you died. I miss how brave you were at the doctors even though you'd been through so much pain before. I miss seeing you peek out the window at therapy when I was coming to pick you up and hearing you squeal, "Mommy here," as I'd come around the corner and you'd see me. I miss you at church and how you'd get everyone's attention, always yelling about something. I miss being stopped by people everywhere we went who thought you were absolutely adorable. I miss your hugs and kisses and hearing you tell me you love me. I miss EVERYTHING about you, EVERYTHING.

I still can't believe you're gone. That day started out amazingly. We went to the doctors and you were so good. You were in the best health you'd ever been in...clear lungs and ears! You'd gained weight, tipping the scales at a whopping 25 lbs! I was so proud of you! We stopped at Albertsons and I let you get a bag of chips. You were so excited when you found them and carried them to the register! I made you your favorite lunch of quinoa and broccoli and then put you down for your nap, as usual. We were so excited to go to dinner that night a Daimon's for Grammie's birthday. Then when I went to get you from your nap and saw you laying there in your crib, sprawled out on your back, blue as can be, my world came crashing down around me. I grabbed you, screaming your name, shaking you, doing everything I could to wake you up, knowing deep in my heart it was too late. You were so cold. You were already gone.

Hailey, I know it was your time to go and you chose it and that you have already made an immense difference in the lives of so many, but selfishly I want you back. I want you home with me. I want you home where I can hug you and kiss you and hold you. I love and miss you so much that words cannot describe it. I'm so lonely without you . Our family is not complete without you here.

Even though I tried to be the best mom to you, I know there were times that I failed. I'm so sorry for those times. I'm so sorry for the times that I got frustrated with you or was impatient or yelled at you. I'm so sorry for all the times I took you and your precious life for granted. You were so strong and such a fighter that at times I thought you were invincible. Now I know you weren't, and I would take back every second I didn't spend with you or enjoy you. I never imagined that you would be taken from me, especially at such a young and precious age. You are a miracle child and I am more than honored and grateful that I got to be your mommy. You are so special. You've had such a huge mission here on Earth and changed so many lives in your short 3 years and I know you have a much bigger mission in Heaven.

I am going to trust in my Heavenly Father that He knows what's right and what's best, but please know that I miss you so much and no one will EVER take your place in our family. You will be loved, honored, and remembered as much in 100 years as you are right now. I look forward everyday to when I get to hold you in my arms again.

I love you baby girl. I love you with ALL my heart and soul. You are beautiful.

Love, Mommy