First Letter to Hailey

Those of you who read my journal entry on Hailey's funeral (which I like to call a "service" instead of a funeral), or for those who were there at her service, you'll probably remember that I wrote letters to Hailey throughout her life. I've done this for all of my girls and still continue to do so. I always thought I was writing them in case something ever happened to me, so they would know how much I love them and how proud I was of them. Never in a trillion years would I have thought one of my children would not grow up to read them. But, since this is the reality, I've found it comforting to continue writing to Hailey when I'm feeling particularly sad or missing her more than I feel I can handle. Some of my journal entries that I share will be the letters I've been writing to Hailey since she passed away. If you're wondering why I often call her, Ooge, it's because that was her nickname. It's pronounced kind of like Scrooge without the "scr." It came from when she a newborn baby in the hospital and Kim and I would go visit her and joke around saying, "Oo ja boo...oo ja boo boo doo!" Anyways, the name just stuck and she actually called herself that for a long time. We would ask her, "HAILEY, what's your name?" And she would reply, "Ooge!" Gosh I love that little girl.

Anyways, here's my next journal entry.

(If you haven't read the talk I gave at her "service," you may want to check it out. It mainly consists of the letters that I had written to her while she was still here with us. You can find it under the entry entitled The Funeral.)

August 24, 2009

Hey Ooge-

Well today has been a rough day. I had a very hard time keeping it together. I cried quite a bit and spent most of the day in bed. I know that's not what you would have wanted me to do, but you have to be patient with me. I feel like the roles have been reversed - like I'm the little child who's struggling and you're the loving mom prodding me along. I'll tell you though, I miss you so, so , so much its unexplainable. I can't even believe this is happening. I've been walking around in a daze all day just wanting to yell at everyone and tell them that you're gone. I'm sure you already know all this, but I feel so much closer and better when I write to you.

So, dimes huh? I guess that's our little sign. I'm still wondering if you sent me all those dimes or if I'm just reaching for anything and everything I can to feel close to you. But as I'm sitting here writing this to you I can hear you whispering in my ear, with a smile on your face, "Yep Mom, I sent them!" And I have to tell you, my girl, that they made all the difference in the world. That one at Disneyland was the biggest miracle of all! I couldn't believe it!!! (I'll explain this more in future entries.) Please Oogy, please keep sending them when I need them. I'm begging you for that. Tomorrow we're going to Disneyland again with some of Daddy's friends, and as you probably already know, I'm not very excited right now. I'm terrified about how I'm going to get through the day there, so I'll be looking for your dime.

Hailey, as much as it devastates me to have you gone, I know you made the right choice and that gives me so much peace and comfort. I am so proud of you. It's funny how you continue to make me proud even when you're not physically here. I can't wait to sit back and watch all the miracles you work from over there! I couldn't be more honored to be your mommy.

There are a few things I am still very unsettled and concerned about:

One is when you passed away...I want to know exactly what happened. Did you suffer? Were you asleep? How long were you gone before I found you? The image of you when I walked into your room and the events leading up to it continue to haunt me like nothing I can explain. I just really need some kind of answer about that.

Two is when are you going to come visit me? That's more of a hypothetical question because I've been praying about it a lot and already received the answer of, "In due time," but come on, you've lived with me for 3 years and therefore know that I'm not the most patient human being of all! :) Oh, and please come visit me in a dream. I know you like shock value, but seriously if I see you standing in the living room or my bedroom, I'll probably be there to visit you quicker than I thought!!!

Three is what do we do about this huge gap in our family here? I hate to call it a hole, because you still fill that spot and NO ONE will ever take your place or fill that hole for you, but it's just so uncomfortable. What do we write on our Christmas card? Can we still write your name? I couldn't imagine not, since our family still and always will include you. And what about family photos? They will NEVER be complete without you. A family picture without you physically in it is NOT a family picture. That is not our complete family! So how do we handle that?

Hailey, I miss you and I'm hurting more than any words could ever begin to describe or explain. And just because you chose to go doesn't mean that I'm not a little mad at you. So I need you here with me in spirit as much as you can be. I need dimes and little whispers as often as possible. Just as I'll NEVER, EVER forget you, please baby, don't forget me either. I'm already waiting for the day when I can hold you again.

I Love You.

Since writing this journal entry, I've found an answer as to what I should do for family pictures and events. One of the dear mothers I met at the cemetery when I was visiting told me of a friend of hers who used her son's favorite bear in every family picture to represent him. So, that's what I did!!! Hailey didn't really have a favorite stuffed animal or doll, but she LOVED to make monkey sounds, so I found the cutest little monkey online. It's really small and has magnets in it's hands and feet. Now I take it with me anywhere that I would have normally taken Hailey. It has magnets to cling onto a stroller, is small enough to fit in my purse, and still big enough to be seen in pictures. Plus, I still have children small enough that it looks like theirs when I'm carrying it around!!! Of course, it will never make our family feel fully complete, but we're doing the best we can to honor Hailey and keep her a part of our family here on Earth while she's away. Make sure to look for her in any future pictures I post. When you see her send me a message!!!

Here she is!!!
(I'm currently working on getting her a dress and bow so she looks a little more feminine!)