This Is Christmas

Christmas this year was a little tougher than last year, but not as tough as the year before.  First of all, I cannot believe this is my third Christmas without Hailey here.  I’m not sure why, but that realization really scares me.  We missed Christmas with Hailey when she was three because she passed away in August, almost one month after her third birthday.  I never got to see her when she was finally old enough to get excited about the all the lights, Santa, Elf on a Shelf, presents, etc.  So as mentioned in my last blog, seeing Ava’s excitement as she experienced these things kept reminding me of what I missed out on with Hailey.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself and really focusing on the fact that Hailey wasn’t here until one night at my grief group.  One of my great friends, who I’ll leave nameless for privacy, played a song that touched my heart like none other.  It's called, This Is Christmas, by Chris Kutless. Almost instantly it changed my entire attitude towards Christmas and the fact that Hailey wasn’t physically here to celebrate with us.  While listening to this song, the spirit spoke very strongly to my heart and made me realize that the reason I was missing Hailey so much is because I was only focusing on the secular part of Christmas…Santa, lights, the elf, presents…and not the true meaning of Christmas – Jesus Christ.  It’s all because of that most perfect of all gifts ever given to any human being that I will be able to be with Hailey again one day.  It’s because of the gift of Christ that my daughter still lives!  It dawned on me that if I started focusing on that aspect of Christmas, the true reason for the holiday no matter what anyone else claims, there would really be no reason to feel sad.  In fact, there would only be reason to feel hope and joy!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I still missed her and thought of her being with us often, but it wasn’t that same ‘woe is me’ feeling.  Below, I attached a link to the song, which is now my absolute FAVORITE Christmas (and maybe favorite song of all time).  Please take a minute to listen to/watch it, even though Christmas is over.  It’s kind of more pop/rock…not classical or a hymn.  I’m not kidding when I say it gives me chills every time I hear it.  

I am so grateful for the gift of my Savior and what that means for Hailey and me in the future.  I honestly don’t know how I would have ever made it this far “without” her if I didn’t have the knowledge of being able to be "with" her again.  From now on, I will be focusing primarily on the true reason for Christmas and putting everything else secondary.

(Scroll to the bottom for the song and lyrics.) 

Some pictures of our family at Christmas:

At Hailey's Place.

(Me faking a smile, before the ever big life changing song!)

Our family on Christmas Day

(Me smiling so big, after the ever life changing song!)

 Click here to listen & watch the song: This Is Christmas by Chris Kutless

(You can also read the lyrics while the song plays on the video connected to the link above...I copied them exactly as they are written there, but I encourage you to listen because the lyrics alone don't do the song justice.)

Do you find it hard to sleep tonight

Resting by the Christmas lights

Could there be something you forgot

Beyond the bows and mistletoe

The tree with presents wrapped below

There’s more to this than

you had ever thought.

Have we lost the reason

that we celebrate each year?

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

Remember how the story goes

God’s greatest gift was wrapped

in swaddling clothes

Beneath the star one

great and holy night

The shepherds heard the angels sing

And wise men brought

an offering

Peace on earth began in Bethlehem

Have we lost the reason that

we celebrate each year

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas

If the angels never sang,

glory to the new born King

What is Christmas without Christ

There’d be no

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

This is Christmas it’s all about a

Savior wrapped in a manger

This is Christmas because

of Jesus Christ.

This is Christmas because of

Christ, because of Christ.

 

The First Day of Primary

Well I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, not because I don’t have a million things to write about, but more because I have to be in a certain frame of mind or emotional state to really express my feelings or experiences.  I have to be inspired at the moment and have a quiet, uninterrupted place to sit down and really think about how I want to put what I’m feeling into words.  Let’s just say, with a new baby, the holidays, sicknesses, etc., I haven’t had many of those moments lately.  In some ways it’s a good thing because it means I’m keeping busy, but in others, not so good because it means things are piling up that I want to write about.  I will say that I write the best blogs ever in my head while lying awake in the middle of the night!  Unfortunately, I never have the energy to actually get up and write them and then by morning life starts again and the moment is over.  So, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to really work on keeping up with my blog.  For some ridiculous reason, I actually thought there would come a point when I wouldn’t have anything left to say.  Who knows, maybe that is the case, but it’s definitely not yet…even after two and half years.

I had an experience today that caught me completely off guard and gave me a profound and somewhat scary realization.  So I’ll start with that.  Unfortunately that means I’m going to have to back track a little for my subsequent blogs, which I don’t like to do because the experience has already passed and the feelings aren’t as strong, but hopefully my New Year’s resolution will help me avoid that in the future.

Now, after that nice long introduction let tell you about today.  In the LDS church when children turn three they enter a program called Primary.  There is a junior primary for children ages 3-8 and senior primary for children ages 9-12. The children start their new classes at the beginning of each year.  Also, once or twice a year the whole primary gets up in front of the congregation where they sing and give little talks and read scriptures.  The singing part is the best…especially on Mother’s Day!

I remember having a really hard time the first day that Hailey was supposed to move up to Primary.  She would have been with Lexi in junior primary for a couple years.  Lexi LOVES being a big sister and couldn’t wait to have Hailey with her.  (Although, I think it affected me way more than her.)  Then came the first time they all got up and sang, which happened to be on Mother’s Day.  What should have been a sweet, joyous experience was exactly the opposite for me.  To say it was borderline excruciating would probably be an understatement.  I had to stay because Lexi was up there and I needed to be there for her, but I think I had tears pouring down my cheeks the entire time as I watched what would have been Hailey’s class waving at their moms so proud and excited as they sang away.  My heart just ached.

Well today was Ava’s first day of Primary.  I was really excited for her, until I dropped her off.  I walked out of the room and then peeked in the window to see her sitting right up front with her little class of 3-year olds.  Then, all of a sudden, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started having flashbacks of what should have been Hailey’s first day.  I felt my stomach turn and my eyes start to burn with tears.  Quickly, I made my way to the bathroom, stood in a stall, and kept telling myself to pull it together.  After a few minutes, I walked out to find Sean standing there.  I think he could sense my pain because he immediately offered to take me home and come back and get the kids later. 

On the way home I was telling him how surprised I was at the unexpected emotions that came flooding up.  As I watched my sweet little Ava sitting there I went from seeing the back of her head, to the back of Hailey’s head, to the back of her head, and so on…if that makes any sense.  For some reason the past few months have been particularly hard for me.  I feel like my grief is all fresh and new again, especially during the holidays.  This Christmas was much harder than last Christmas.  (That’s a whole other blog I’m going to write.)  Anyways, that’s when my big, profound realization hit me.  Ava is now Hailey’s age.  Everything she is doing and experiencing is a reminder to me of what I’ve missed out on with Hailey...Christmas lights, Santa, Christmas morning, preschool, primary, the first time she gets up and sings at church, and so on. 

I wasn’t prepared for this new found trial in my grief.  I thought that as time went on it would continually get easier, so I was completely unprepared for how hard its been the last few months.  It’s very rare that I cry in front of people, but there have been many times I’ve had to shove the pain way down deep lately so I wouldn’t break down.  I couldn’t figure out why it was all so fresh again, until today.

So now I’m stuck with trying to figure out this whole new phase I’m going through and may possibly go through for a long time because from this point forward everything that Ava does and every milestone she marks will be one more I’ve missed with Hailey. My biggest concern is figuring out how to avoid allowing my sadness for Hailey to overcome my joy for Ava.  I need to find a way to enjoy all those exciting things Ava will experience just as fully as if Hailey were still here.  I love my children so much and the last thing I would ever want is to feel like I slighted one of them out of an amazing experience because I allowed my grief to take over.  Not to mention, I know Hailey would hate that too. I guess that means I’m going to be spending a lot more time on my knees praying for strength. 

We Can Live With God Again

As I watched this video on a friend's Facebook page, I couldn't help but cry my eyes out.  It is so beautiful. 

We Can Live With God Again

Another Angel in Heaven

My Grandmother died this morning.  It's interesting the different perspective it brings when you already have someone so close to you there in Heaven.  I have such faith and immense belief in the fact that when we "die" it's literally just our body that stops working.  Actually, I don't just have faith, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that life goes on after we leave this Earth.  That being said, I've been thinking all day about what my grandma is doing up there in Heaven.  

It's so real to me that I imagine her as alive as if she were sitting in her apartment in Boston.  Really the only difference is that I can't call and talk to her or visit her whenever I want.  Unfortunately, that's kind of a big difference and even the faith and knowledge that I have doesn't take away my sadness to see her go.  I'm really going to miss her.

I read a book called, The Message, right after Hailey died that gave me such peace and comfort in regards to where she is.  It's written by a man named Lance Richardson who spent three months in a drug induced coma. During that time he left his body several times and visited the Spirit World.  The book is his account of what it's like there and what he learned.  Of course, not everyone will find this believable which is totally fine with me.  I will say, though, that I believe it 100%.  It follows exactly what my religious beliefs tell me is true, not to mention, that he gives several experiences that really can't be disputed.  (For example, he went and watched his children in their classrooms and upon waking up from his coma he was able to describe exactly what they were wearing, where they sat, and what questions they asked.)  That's enough for me to believe, and honestly, if for some reason I'm wrong it's okay with me because it gave me the comfort I needed in this lifetime!

Anyways, as I've been thinking of my Grandma and her reunion with her family members who have died before her - in particular, Hailey - I can't help but feel the joy in her soul to finally be out of her 94-year old body and free for the intense pain she's felt for so many years!  I decided to look back through the book for some comfort and here is one passage that I read:  

"I watched numerous people pass through that veil while I was there.  It was most enjoyable.  I witnessed an elderly woman whose family anticipated her arrival.  They were jumping up and down excitedly, as if waiting for a loved one to come off an airplane. ... Upon seeing the group, the woman's expression turned to one of absolute splendor."

"The group began to walk away together.  "They are going to where a family celebration has been planned," Randy explained."  (Randy is Lance's cousin who passed away 20 years prior.) 

I could quote this entire book!  It is seriously one of the best and most exciting (if you will) books I have ever read in my lifetime!  It gave me so much hope and peace when Hailey died.  I highly recommend everyone check it out...even if you're not a believer, it's still very interesting. 

Anyways, selfishly I wish my grandma were still here, as I also do Hailey, but unselfishly I think they are so lucky to be where they are.  They are even more a part of our lives from there than if they were physically back here on Earth. I seriously look forward to the day when I get to go be with them again and check out that Spirit World, or Paradise, as we often call it.

My Grandma meeting Joey for the first time, a week before she died.

The aMAYZing Kids Clinic

An aMAYZing thing happened last weekend...yes, the pun was intended!!!  Before I go any further, I'm going to attach the two articles that were in the paper for you to review:  (Make sure to click on the photos in the articles.)

‘Real Housewives' help raise $10K for pediatric clinic

Pediatric Clinic Fundraiser Nets Nearly $10K

Now, assuming you read the articles you already know what that aMAYZing thing was!!  Our clinic is finally open!  It has taken Sean and Hailey's therapists over a year of extremely hard work and dedication to get to this point, but it has paid off!!  I am so proud of them!

I often go and volunteer on Wednesday's when my mother comes down to watch my kiddos.  It is such a wonderful experience.  I really wish I could work there full-time because I feel Hailey's spirit so strongly there.  It is such an awesome place to be!!!

Since I'm only able to be there once a week, I haven't really seen any children be treated until just recently.  A couple of weeks ago I sat in the office listening to the therapists work with these special kids and my eyes welled in tears over the sheer joy it brought to my heart.  I remembered so vividly all the times I heard them say the exact same things to my sweet Hailey.  It was such a beautiful thing.  After listening for a little while, I couldn't help myself so I peeked around the corner and watched for a few minutes.  It may sound odd, but it was so exciting to see the pride on the children's faces when they were successful at a task and heard, "Good Job!  You did it!"  I was right back there with Hailey all over again.

The thought of us being able to help other children and give them the same sense of pride and increased quality of life Hailey has is one of the most exciting things I've ever experienced in my entire lifetime!  The therapists that worked with her, and now helped create aMAYZing Kids, are among the very best...not just at what they do, but at who they are.  These woman love their job, along with the children they work with, and it shows every time they are with a child.  I will be forever grateful and indebted to them for what they did for Hailey and even more so, for how much the loved and still love her.

I want to extend a special and heartfelt thank you to all those who have supported us in this venture.  aMAYZing Kids would not be possible without all the volunteers and donations we have received.  It is so overwhelming to me how much my daughter was and is loved!

I could have NEVER imagined, 2 years ago, that what I thought was a tragedy in the sudden death of my baby girl, would in fact become a huge triumph and blessing to so many.  I know she is proud!

For more information on aMAYZing Kids, please check out our website at:  http://www.amayzingkids.com

Pretend City

The other day I took Ava to a place called Pretend City.  For those of you who don’t live near me, it’s literally a mini city for children. It’s in a huge warehouse-like building and the inside is set up like small downtown.  It has a house, garden, grocery store, doctor’s & dentist’s office, library, restaurant, bank, beach, police station, water area, construction area, art area, stage, and even roads with little cars the kids can drive around.  Basically the kids just run around and pretend to be whatever they want to be.  It’s a great place!

Anyways, while I was there watching Ava play in the restaurant area, pretending to be a waitress and bring me fake food, it struck me how much I have come to love pretending again, as an adult.  I love to pretend that Hailey is still here, alive and well and growing up with her sisters and brother.  When I’m with my kids, I often sit back and watch them wondering where Hailey would be in the mix and pretending that she’s up in her room playing or in the bathroom or on a play date, but wherever it may be I also pretend that she’ll be home that night for dinner.

I have found that I actually enjoy talking with people I don’t know, and that I’ll probably never see again, about my kids.  When I do so, I just pretend that Hailey is still here and talk about her as she was and as I think she would be.  For example, I met a lady sitting in the doctor’s office one day when I was with Ava and Joey.  Of course, the inevitable question, “How many kids do you have,” was asked.  I quickly answered 4, as I always do and always will.  Then, like clockwork, she asked their ages.  I know she was just trying to make small talk, but people have no idea how much that question stings when you’ve lost one of your children.  It’s the worst.  So, as always, I said, “8, 5, 2 ½, and 3 months.” 

It took me so long, after Hailey died, to figure out how I was going to answer those questions because I knew that’s usually the first thing people ask when they see someone with a bunch of kids. After much thought and trying out of different responses, I decided from now on to answer just as I did.

Anyways, since I knew I would probably never see this lady again, I felt no need to inform her that my “5” year old isn’t actually five because she died when she was three.  When that comes up, there’s always the awkward, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” and then silence, to which I end up comforting the person I’m talking to and trying to make them feel better by saying it’s okay, (when, in fact, it’s really not).  So instead of going there I just started telling her about Lexi and how she’s in third grade and all about Hailey and what a great big sister she is to Ava and Joey (because I know she would be).  I started to really enjoy pretending that Hailey was still here and talking about her as if she was now a happy, healthy five-year old in Kindergarten.

I don’t know if that’s considered lying or not and at first I worried about it because one thing I am definitely not is a liar, but then I realized that it’s not a lie at all because Hailey is still very much here and alive in spirit.  And she is still the same strong, spunky, happy go-lucky, aMAYZing, little girl in spirit as she would be in body. So that’s my Pretend “City.”

Hailey's "First Day of Kindergarten"

So today would have been Hailey’s first day of Kindergarten. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t think about it all day long.  I went to bed last night thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I tucked her in.  I woke up this morning thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I dropped her off.  It really hurt. 

I wonder what she would have worn, how we would have done her hair, what backpack she would have picked out, where she would have sat in her classroom, how she would write her name, and on and on and on.  I longed for a picture of my two girls together on their first day of school, just like all those ones I see on Facebook.  I ached to see them walking together, hand in hand, to their classrooms.  (Okay, that one was a little bit of a stretch…I know Hailey would have refused to hold Lexi’s hand!  But I still imagined it anyways.)  I saw her running up to me after school with a huge smile on her face as I wrapped my arms around her and asked her how her day was.  I could hear her chatting away telling me about all the exciting events of the day.   

I know she would have absolutely LOVED school!  I remember how much she would want to stay with Lexi when we would bring her to school.  One day I was chatting with some friends as I was walking to my car after I dropped Lexi off .  All of a sudden I realized Hailey was missing.  I went frantically searching for her everywhere and after about 5 minutes found her sitting in Lexi’s classroom on the floor in the middle of all the kids.  Lexi’s teacher (or the other kids for that matter) never even noticed her.  I laugh every time I think of it because she just thought she was the cat’s meow!

 Here's a picture of Hailey that day.  She's wearing a green shirt and has a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.  I just love her mischievous expression!

Anyways, I know as a mother we always want and assume the best for our children.  Sometimes I wonder if Hailey’s life would have been as great as I had imagined it or if I was just in denial at how difficult her struggles would have truly been. 

She was smaller than most of the children her age, although her personality was 10 times the size of the average 3 year old!  But I know how cruel children can be at times (not because they intend to, but because they haven’t quite developed compassion and empathy yet).  Would the other kids have made fun of her because she was smaller or because she had a lot of scars from all her surgeries or because she got really “phlegmy” when she would eat and even have to gag sometimes?  Oh my gosh, that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a mother if one of my children were made fun of.  Although, I will say that Hailey, even as small as she was, didn’t put up with nothin’ from no one.  She would have taken those kids down in a heartbeat!

Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings today.  I miss my little girl and hate the fact that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to wonder what she would be like.  I want so badly for her to be here living a “normal” 5 year old life.  I would give anything to see her and Lexi go to school together each day and grow up together and be best buds (and enemies) together.  Even with faith and hope, life still can feel really unfair at times.  I'm just grateful that I know she is right where she wants to be and probably couldn't be happier...even though I would very selfishly bring her back in a heartbeat.