Hailey's "First Day of Kindergarten"

So today would have been Hailey’s first day of Kindergarten. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t think about it all day long.  I went to bed last night thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I tucked her in.  I woke up this morning thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I dropped her off.  It really hurt. 

I wonder what she would have worn, how we would have done her hair, what backpack she would have picked out, where she would have sat in her classroom, how she would write her name, and on and on and on.  I longed for a picture of my two girls together on their first day of school, just like all those ones I see on Facebook.  I ached to see them walking together, hand in hand, to their classrooms.  (Okay, that one was a little bit of a stretch…I know Hailey would have refused to hold Lexi’s hand!  But I still imagined it anyways.)  I saw her running up to me after school with a huge smile on her face as I wrapped my arms around her and asked her how her day was.  I could hear her chatting away telling me about all the exciting events of the day.   

I know she would have absolutely LOVED school!  I remember how much she would want to stay with Lexi when we would bring her to school.  One day I was chatting with some friends as I was walking to my car after I dropped Lexi off .  All of a sudden I realized Hailey was missing.  I went frantically searching for her everywhere and after about 5 minutes found her sitting in Lexi’s classroom on the floor in the middle of all the kids.  Lexi’s teacher (or the other kids for that matter) never even noticed her.  I laugh every time I think of it because she just thought she was the cat’s meow!

 Here's a picture of Hailey that day.  She's wearing a green shirt and has a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.  I just love her mischievous expression!

Anyways, I know as a mother we always want and assume the best for our children.  Sometimes I wonder if Hailey’s life would have been as great as I had imagined it or if I was just in denial at how difficult her struggles would have truly been. 

She was smaller than most of the children her age, although her personality was 10 times the size of the average 3 year old!  But I know how cruel children can be at times (not because they intend to, but because they haven’t quite developed compassion and empathy yet).  Would the other kids have made fun of her because she was smaller or because she had a lot of scars from all her surgeries or because she got really “phlegmy” when she would eat and even have to gag sometimes?  Oh my gosh, that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a mother if one of my children were made fun of.  Although, I will say that Hailey, even as small as she was, didn’t put up with nothin’ from no one.  She would have taken those kids down in a heartbeat!

Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings today.  I miss my little girl and hate the fact that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to wonder what she would be like.  I want so badly for her to be here living a “normal” 5 year old life.  I would give anything to see her and Lexi go to school together each day and grow up together and be best buds (and enemies) together.  Even with faith and hope, life still can feel really unfair at times.  I'm just grateful that I know she is right where she wants to be and probably couldn't be happier...even though I would very selfishly bring her back in a heartbeat.