New Baby, New Emotions

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, but I do have a good excuse! As most of you already know, I just had a baby!  Our little Joey will already be one month old on Monday.  He’s been a wonderful, but chaotic addition to the family.  I don’t know how I did it with 3 kids before because I feel like I’m trying to learn the ropes all over again. 

It’s been wonderful having our little guy here and I often sit and stare at him wondering if Hailey is around.  I’m guessing she is because someone once told me that the closer your loved ones (who have passed away) are the more you miss them, which must be true because I’m am missing Hailey now more than ever.  I think when they’re close by it’s harder emotionally because you can subconsciously feel their presence but can’t physically see them or reach out and pull them to you in a big, huge hug.  Does that make sense?

I have to admit that I wasn’t the least bit prepared for the emotions and vulnerability having a new baby would rekindle.  I thought I was starting to heal from Hailey’s loss, but now I think I was fooling myself.  This past month, since Joey’s been born, I feel like I did the first month after Hailey died.  I’ve cried for her almost everyday and that wound in my heart is wide open again.  I’m sure some of it has to do with all the hormonal stuff and the sheer exhaustion of having a new baby, but I’m not quite sure where the rest of it came from.  All I know is that it’s been a lot more difficult than I had anticipated.  I miss her so much.  Looking at pictures of her, listening to music, hearing my girls laugh or cry, visiting her place, etc., etc., causes me to break down in tears.  She is on my mind 24 hours a day.

It’s very hard to see Lexi and Ava loving their little brother so much and not having Hailey here to experience it too.  Yes, I know she’s here spiritually.  I know she’s probably around him all the time, which is great and all, but I want to see it.  Hailey was so great with Ava when she was born!  She just adored her and I want to see that with her little brother. It may sound odd, but sometimes I feel guilty that I have all my kids here with me except for her.  I thought having Joey would make our family feel complete, which in some ways it does because he’s our last, but in other ways it feels so incomplete because Hailey’s not here.  I think in some ways I felt better knowing that she had her little brother up there with her and now that he’s here with us I feel like I took him away from her.  Now, I totally know that’s not really how it all works but my mind has an amazing way of making up great stories!

Anyways, I’m hoping that things will start to get easier again once life falls into a pattern of normalcy and we get used to our “new” little family.  Although, this next few months are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster.  Going back a couple months there have been some big events that have occurred that make missing Hailey that much harder: May - was Mother’s Day, June - Joey was born, July 20^th – would be Hailey’s 5^th birthday, August 11^th – is 2 years since Hailey died, September – Hailey would have been starting Kindergarten, and so on.  That’s one of the worst things about grief…there’s always something.  And unfortunately the anticipation of those days/events is often much worse than the actual day/event itself.  I say unfortunately because the anticipation can start months before the day, whereas the actual day is over so quickly. 

I’m really working on just living in the now and enjoying this new precious gift that Hailey has sent us.  We do love our little guy!  I can’t wait to see him grow up and tell him all about his big sister.  He will know her just as well as the rest of us.  (He probably already does!)

I’m going to try to stay caught up now, but it’s often hard to find time to write because it’s such an emotional thing for me to do so I need it to be quiet (which is very rare in my house right now!) and I need to be in the right frame of mind.  By the end of the day, I’m so exhausted that I can’t handle the emotional side of writing, but I’m going to work on it because it’s a great release for me to get it all out.

Our first family photo after Joey was born!

My beautiful children

Joey's first visit with his big sister...

So Grateful...

Today Sean surprised me with a day at the spa so I could relax before our new little guy arrives.  As you could probably tell from the majority of my posts over the past few months I’ve been quite emotional lately, so this was a very much needed and exciting surprise! As I sat there in the quiet, peacefulness of the spa I felt like I was experiencing a little piece of Heaven and wondered if that is what its like for Hailey everyday.  If it is anything like that, I have to admit that I can’t totally blame her for wanted to check out of this crazy place we call Earth!

Anyways, while I was getting my facial I started thinking about how great my life really is and how much I have to be grateful for.  I mean, aside from losing Hailey, which is a HUGE negative thing, everything else in my life is pretty much wonderful.  So as I laid there I started going through the list of things I was so grateful for and realizing how much I still take for granted and how life changing real gratitude can be.

Topping my list is definitely my faith.  I was baptized into the LDS church 16 years ago and I have to admit that I still consider it the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.  I hate to think where I’d be today, after such a difficult trial as losing my child, without the incredible knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what it really means for little ol’ me.   I am so grateful knowing that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us more than we could ever begin to imagine or comprehend.  That’s why I don’t just call him "God," but also my Heavenly Father.  He is so much more than just "God."  He is a living being who created each and every one of us and knows us by name.  That gives me so much comfort when it comes to Hailey.  Seeing how much my father (here) loves me and what he does or would do for me and seeing the same in Sean for our children puts me at great ease with where Hailey is now.  I know she’s with her true Father, the one who dwells in Heaven, who created her perfect little spirit and loves her more than I can imagine.  I know she remembers Him and He is loving her and taking better care of her than anyone here on Earth could.  She is truly home.  I am so grateful to know that she’s in no way scared or lonely there.  She was His daughter first and will always be His daughter (as well as mine in the flesh) and He would never take that away from me.

This leads me to my extreme gratitude for the knowledge of eternal families. It’s so wonderful and comforting to know that our Father in Heaven would never separate us from our family members.  We will have the opportunity to be with Hailey forever when all is said and done and right now it’s just a waiting game until that day.  But I know that He allows her to be around us all the time and He allows us to feel her spirit and the peace she brings with her.  What an amazing blessing that is!  Those tender moments when I feel her near keep me going every day.

Along these same lines is my gratitude for a Savior who has willingly gone through and felt every single thing each of us feel.  Although He didn’t physically have every experience we’ve ever had here on the Earth (especially us women!) He did experience every single pain, heartache, and emotion that each of us have ever individually felt. This is what the atonement was all about and why He bled from every pore (That was probably when he was experiencing the pains of childbirth!) when in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is also why He is so non-judgmental of anyone and loves us all unconditionally for who we are, faults and all.  I didn’t fully understand this until after Hailey died.  There were several times when I felt more alone than I could ever have imagined possible, even with family and friends around me, and yet all of a sudden in those darkest moments I could feel Him!  I could feel His love and compassion and pure understanding as His invisible arms wrapped around me and comforted me.  I’m not sure I would have ever experienced something like that or had the ability to truly understand His love and compassion without the life changing, difficult experience of losing a child.  So in some ways, I’m very grateful for that.  I now actually understand what it means to have Him as my best friend.

I’m also so very grateful for such a wonderful family.  My family is everything to me and I seriously got the best of the best!  Starting with my amazing husband, whom I couldn’t be more grateful for.  He is my eternal companion who I will be with forever…even after death (another thing I’m grateful for the knowledge of!).  He has been my rock through this trial and I’m so grateful for his faith and commitment, which has helped us to keep our marriage strong and intact after such a horrible heartache.  I am grateful for my beautiful children and this new little guy on his way (any darn day now!).  I always hear people who are pregnant say they don’t care what gender the baby is as long as it’s healthy… and let me tell you, until you’ve had one that isn’t totally healthy you have no idea what that really means!  I am so grateful that all my other children are so healthy and happy.  They are such a joy and an even greater blessing to have. 

On the other hand, having Hailey, who wasn’t totally healthy was an entirely different but just as big of a blessing.  I couldn’t be more grateful to have had her in my life.  Knowing that our Heavenly Father trusted me, of everyone else in the world, to be her mother and raise her for those 3 years she was here is such an honor!  The lessons I learned from her are beyond words.  She taught me so much about life, unconditional love, sacrifice, and faith.  And now as I reflect on her and the “beau’ful” life she lived, I realize that she continues to teach me every single day.  I am so grateful that the Lord allows her to be around me and send me signs and give me comfort when I need it. 

I’m grateful for my parents and sister.  My parents raised me as a God loving and respecting person and that knowledge is the best knowledge I believe any parent can give their child.  It has made my life significantly easier and more blessed.  My mother taught me so much about unselfishness and how to put others first, which I’m still not the best at, but which definitely helps me when it comes to taking care of and raising my children.  She has given me more unconditional love and support that I could ever be worthy of.  My father has been a rock to me as well.  He was there beside me since the day Hailey was born, taking days off work to go with me to the hospital and visit, calling and texting me constant messages of love and encouragement, and always being able to make me laugh!  And my sister has been the best friend I could ever ask for going through this.  I am so grateful that she moved in with us for the first year and half that Hailey was gone.  Her presence and help was priceless.  She was always there as a shoulder to cry on or to watch the girls when I needed to get away for a bit or to encourage me when I was going through my days of sadness and anger.  Even though she has since moved out, I am so grateful that she still lives so close and continues to support me in any way she can. 

(My facial was 50 minutes long so I had a lot of gratitude to think about!)

I’m also so grateful for such wonderful extended family, wonderful in-laws, and friends.  The love and support I’ve been given over the past 2 years, and still continue to receive on a daily basis is absolutely overwhelming (in a good way!).  I never knew how much I was and am loved until this occurred and what a blessing that is.  I am so grateful for the immense compassion and goodness of people.  Every comment, message, text, hug, smile, thought, quote, prayer, etc, that comes my way is so appreciated and treasured.  People are inherently so good and I am extremely grateful to have been able to experience that goodness firsthand.

I am grateful for how much I’ve learned and who I’ve become over the last couple years.  I still have so very much to learn and so very far to go, but I’m grateful to be going through that “refiner’s fire” with the knowledge that I will one day come out on the other side a much, much better person than I was going in.

I still have so much more I could write that I’m grateful for…the beautiful place I live, my lovely home, my health, my therapist who has literally changed my life, manicures and pedicures, massages and facials, beautiful days, prayer, blessings, tender mercies from the Lord, the list goes on and on. 

So even on my worst days, and there have been quite a few lately, I am still deep down grateful for the immense blessings in my life.  Although losing Hailey is a trial that I wish I never had to go through in this lifetime or ever, I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who has made it as easy as possible for me.  I’ve experienced His pure, infinite, unconditional love first hand.  He has literally carried me or held my hand every single step of the way and still continues to do so.  That’s why I LOVE that poem Footprints in the Sand…it is so true!

Wow…I need spa days more often!!!  Maybe the Lord will see how great they are for me and bless me with at least one a month so I can keep up on all my gratitude!!!  

My "Old" Family Blog

So today I decided to go back and look at my “old” family blog to see what the scoop was with Ava’s birth.  I can’t remember how early I was or anything, but it turns out I wrote a post about taking the girls for a walk hoping to induce my labor.  I was exactly where I am with Joey...3 cm, 70% effaced, doctor saying it would be any day, doing all the same strenuous things I’m doing now, and very frustrated!!  I had to laugh as I read that!  Some things will never change…my impatience being one of them.

Anyways, after reading that post I got sucked into re-reading a lot of my other posts which emotionally rocked me to my core.  I haven’t looked at it in a looooong time because of the pain I knew it would invoke, and I was right.  Seeing all those innocent and fun posts with Hailey in them really hurt.  I kept looking at the dates thinking, “Wow, and I had no idea I only had 2 weeks left with her…,” etc. All the posts that summer caused the same emotion and thoughts as I counted down the days in my head to when she died.  We all looked so happy, especially Hailey.  She truly enjoyed her last days here on Earth.

Eventually I got to the post I wrote on her 3^rd birthday, (http://wendyincali.blogspot.com/2009/07/happy-3rd-birthday-hailey.html), listing all she’d been through in her little life, how far she’d come, all her accomplishments, how proud we were of her and how much we loved her.  Of course, I had no idea that we only had a month left with her.  I’m not going to lie, that was tough to read.  The irony of it all is just so unfair. 

Gosh, I can’t even begin to put into words what I’d do to have my “old” life back, with Hailey in it.  I didn’t realize, until reading that blog, how innocent and lucky I was.  I had all my girls here with me with no idea what the future was about to bring.  I want that back so badly.  I want that pure, innocent happiness back…joy without any hidden heartache or heaviness behind it.  I believe it’s so true that we really don’t know what we have until it’s gone. 

I was looking at the pictures of Ava the day she was born and thinking of how joyous it all was.  Seeing the pride in Lexi and Hailey’s face over their new little sister was beautiful.  Looking at that first family picture of us all together in the hospital, a complete family photo, brought both joy and pain to my heart.  I have to admit that I am very scared of how I’m going to feel when Joey is born and Hailey isn’t physically there with us to enjoy it.  I know she’ll be there in spirit and experience everything with us, and I hate to admit it, but that’s just not good enough for me right now.  I want her in our family picture.  I want to see her face light up and her huge smile when she sees him and holds him for the first time. 

Anyways, I’m sure part of my emotion and heavy heart has to do with my raging pregnancy hormones, but regardless, it’s still there and it hurts.  I got a good cry out though and feel slightly better. 

If you haven’t seen my “old” family blog and are interested in experiencing all Hailey’s fun life adventures, click on the attached link http://wendyincali.blogspot.com/.  The last time I posted was exactly 2 days before Hailey died.

(The reason I write “old” family blog is because I haven’t updated it since Hailey died.  I’m hoping to eventually gain the strength to continue it again one day, and if that happens I’ll let you all know.)

Daily Devotional

I wanted to write and let you all know that I am feeling much better since my last blog post.  It’s amazing how the Lord works when we need Him the most.  I have a little book of daily devotionals that I read each day.  The morning after writing that last entry, I opened my little book for a daily dose of inspiration. It is LDS (Mormon) based so the lady who’s quoted in the following was the president of the young women organization in our church.

Here is what I read:

“I know that our Heavenly Father keeps his promises.  I, like you, have been sorely tried in a variety of ways.  But this kind of seasoning teaches us that every burden on the back can become a gift in the hand.”

~Elaine Cannon, May 1982

Elaine Cannon, former Young Women’s general president, said: “One certainty of life is that each of us will meet some mighty test.  This is part of the plan.  Another thing that we can count on is that neither here nor hereafter are we suddenly going to emerge with qualities we haven’t developed or a pattern of living for which we have not prepared ourselves.  Adversity is an important part of the preparation for at least three reasons.  One, God knows whom he can trust and who, like Job, will stand firm and love him unconditionally.  Second, adversity well handled can increase our understanding and compassion.  And we will be more effective in helping others when we’ve had a few challenges of our own.  We just may need to be an answer to somebody else’s prayer.  And third, we draw closer to our Heavenly Father when we are in deep need…Attitude in adversity turns hopeless to hopeful.

That put so many things into perspective for me.  Although it didn’t take away the pain of that incident at the pool, it did give it a sense of purpose and meaning.  I am so very grateful for my faith.  I honestly don’t know how I would get through this without it.  Even through the pain and heartache, the blessings I’ve received are beyond what I could have imagined. My goal is to come out of this trial a much better person than I was going into it and knowing that my Heavenly Father is proud of me and the way I handled it.  

Completely Blindsided...AGAIN

Today started out wonderful…actually it was beautiful.  Sean surprised me and decided to take the day off.  My sister also took the day off and stopped by to hang out for a while.  The weather was absolutely perfect, so we decided to do something fun with the kiddos.  I was feeling great physically and emotionally.

I surprised Lexi when I picked her up from school and brought one of her friends home with us.  The weather was in the 80’s so we decided to take the girls swimming for a while and wear them out.  The pool is always bittersweet for me because Hailey absolutely LOVED swimming.  She had just finished her swimming lessons about a month before she passed away (I still have her little award on my fridge.) so she had developed great confidence in the water.   The night before she passed away we had a big neighborhood barbecue at the pool and she stayed to shut the place down!  (That was why I thought she was so tired the following day and “sleeping” so long.) 

Anyways, a few of our neighbors were also swimming and one had brought his CD player.  As I sat by the pool, listening to the Beach Boys blasting and watching Sean and the girls swim I felt really good and relaxed.   I guess I shouldn’t have gotten too comfortable because I was about to be completely blindsided.

For whatever reason, he changed the CD to country music.  I’m a huge country music fan, however, as most of you know it can be a little depressing at times.  I had never heard the song that came on before so it was even more shocking and emotional for me.  It’s called “Who You’d Be Today,” by Kenny Chesney.  At first I thought he was singing about his wife, but after a few seconds I realized nope, I was wrong…it was about his child.  My stomach dropped and my chest went into a huge knot as I sat there completely frozen and listened to the following lyrics:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:)


It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world


Would you chase your dreams


Settle down with a family


I wonder what would you’d name your babies


Someday's the sky's so blue


I feel like I can talk to you


And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today…


Today, today, today…

Sunny days seem to hurt the most


I wear the pain like a heavy coat


The only thing that gives me hope


Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

I mean…seriously???  Really???  Are you kidding me???

It took a lot out of me to keep my emotions in check.  Although my eyes welled in tears I did a really good job of holding them back and trying to focus on anything else…the crack in the cement, the lawn chair, the sound of a lawn mower in the background, a poopy diaper…anything but those words and the intense heartache they were stirring inside of me.

After a couple other random songs the Beach Boys were back on and, although I was still a little emotional and shaken up, I was able to get past it and start to “re-enjoy” hanging out with my girls and husband.  About an hour later, Sean left to take Ava home and I stayed with Lexi and her friend for a little longer.  I had mostly recovered from and somewhat “forgotten” the song, until…yes, it came on again.  This time, it was all over.  There was no controlling anything.  I seriously couldn’t believe I was going to have to sit through this and listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN.  I felt like a gazelle in the middle of a pack of lions with no way out.  It was fight or flight and I was completely unable to do either. 

The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of all these people, but there was almost no other option.  That’s when the hurt and pain turned into pure anger and rage.  Suddenly I became FURIOUS.  My whole body started boiling. 

I was furious that I have to go through something like this in my life.  I was furious at the ignorance of everyone around me to such a heart wrenching song.  I was furious that I had to sit there all alone in my heartache and pain.  I was furious at how real those lyrics were to me.  I was furious that I had to deal with this on what was supposed to be a beautiful, fun day.  I was furious that I didn’t have the strength to scream for someone to turn it off.  I was furious that the hurt was so raw.  I was furious that I had nowhere to escape to.  I could go on and on and on…

Finally after a few moments, I jumped up and yelled to Lexi that it was time to go.  I felt horrible that I had to cut their time short because of some stupid song, but I physically and emotionally could not bear to hear one more second of it.  I had to use that moment of strength to get the heck out of there.  As we left the pool area I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.  My heart was racing, my mind even faster.  I couldn’t believe all this was happening from a song…one freaking song. 

My “beau’ful” day was gone. 

Once I got home and was able to be alone for a few minutes the emotions surfaced and ran down my cheeks.  I still had to hold back as much as possible because I couldn’t bear the thought of Lexi catching even a glimpse of the sheer pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to ruin one second of the fun she was having with her friend by giving her a reason to worry or feel sad for me.  So I opened the dam just a tiny crack, let a little of the waterworks out, and closed it back up again. 

I wasn’t even able write about this yesterday when it happened because I was very shaken up all night.  Even today, the next morning, I’m still quite emotional about it.  Now, I’m trying to figure out how I’m ever going to go to the pool again…especially if there’s even a slight chance that song someone will play that song. 

I think that’s one of the worst things about grieving.  It’s seriously so lonely, especially when people don’t know what you’re going through or seem to forget.  The guy who played that song is one of the nicest guys around and would probably be devastated to know what playing that song did to me.  But, just because my heartache isn’t visible on the outside or I’m not physically crying all the time does not mean for a second that I’m not hurting or that Hailey isn’t right there in the front of my mind.  It's tough because I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or feeling sorry for me or afraid to say anything around me, but I think it's so important to just be aware of the things we say or do.  Sometimes we know full well what someone around us is going through, but most often, we don't.  Yes, there are times I feel strong and even “happy,” but even in those moments it only takes the smallest thing to bring everything flooding back in again. 

I really try to enjoy every moment that I feel strong and/or happy because I never know when that low point is going to hit again.  I guess that’s one good thing I’m learning through this process:  Enjoy the good times to the fullest and live in the NOW (the RIGHT NOW) because that’s really all we have.  The past is already gone and the future hasn’t happened yet. 

Although I still have a long way to go before I master that concept, I slowly see it making an appearance in my life and hope that one day I can live that to the fullest.

Some photos of Hailey swimming:

At her second birthday party with Grammies & Grampies

Enjoying swimming lessons

Proud Mommy

Hailey's award, still on my fridge

Swimming on the 4th of July with her Daddy & sisters

Who You'd Be Today...


Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:)


It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world


Would you chase your dreams


Settle down with a family


I wonder what would you’d name your babies


Someday's the sky's so blue


I feel like I can talk to you


And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today…


Today, today, today…

Sunny days seem to hurt the most


I wear the pain like a heavy coat


The only thing that gives me hope


Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

Not Quite Prepared

This week reminded me quite a few times how weak and raw I still am over Hailey's death.  I HATE that about grief.  As soon as you think you're on the upswing and stronger than ever... BAM! ...it slaps you upside the face, punches you in the stomach, and reminds you that all is still not even close to okay.  The constant roller coaster is horrible and scary because deep down inside I know that on those "up" days there's a crest somewhere ahead I'm going hit and slowly go over just to come speeding down a huge hill into the valley below.  This week was one of those times when the valley below felt very deep. 

Last Wednesday, after a wonderful morning with my mom and Ava, I put Ava down for her nap and for some unknown reason decided to go back and read of couple of the first entries I had written in my blog.  As I have mentioned before, I have never gone back and read any of my previous entries because of the pain and memories associated with each one.  So I was a little hesitant and shaky as I started the first one, but continued on.  By the time I was done with the second one, I was becoming quite emotional so I stopped for a few minutes and started watching the slide show of pictures.  After about 10 pictures I had tears pouring down my face and sobs in my chest.  I couldn't believe how much strong, raw emotion I still had deep down inside.  Seeing Hailey's little smiling face, so happy, especially in my arms or with Lexi just ripped my heart out.  I missed her so much and ached for those days back.  I decided to stop there and try again some other time.

The funny thing is, those first two entries didn't really even talk about Hailey's death.  The first one was more of an introduction as to why I started writing this blog and the second one was an explanation of my religious beliefs regarding where Hailey is.  I can't imagine how I would have handled continuing on to read the next entry entitled, "That Fateful Day."  As for the pictures, I've seen them all a bunch of times, so I wasn't quite prepared for how strongly they would affect me, but I guess once those emotions are unleashed, anything Hailey related is quite painful.

That experience really caught me off guard as to how weak I still am and how much Hailey's loss still hurts.  I don't cry very often anymore. I thought I was getting used to my "new life" without her here, so I guess I just started to believe that I was in some way "getting over" the sting of her death.  I put that in quotation marks because I'll never truly get over her death, but I'm hoping one day the intense shock and pain will wear off a little.  

The next day, while Ava was in preschool, I decided to go visit Hailey for a while.  When I pulled in I noticed that two rows behind Hailey's spot (which is only about 20 feet) there was a setup for a grave side service.  Hailey is buried on what's referred to as "Baby Hill," where it's all children and infants, so I shouldn't have been too shocked when there on a table was the smallest casket I had ever seen, probably only half the size of Hailey's.  This didn't sit well with me for two reasons, 1.) I've been there and it's the worst thing in the entire world, and 2.) I'm about to have a baby that would fit perfectly in that little box. 

After a brief moment of hesitation, I decided to continue on and sit with Hailey since no one had arrived yet.  As I was polishing her stone and all the knickknacks around it, a lady and two men showed up.  I'm not sure who they were, but of course I kept to myself and tried to give them some privacy.  However, I could feel the emotion and compassion for them swelling in my chest.  All of sudden, one of the men started strumming on a guitar and quietly practicing the song he was going to sing during the service.  In between his singing, I could hear the sobs of the woman behind me, which then caused me to lose it too.  Memories of "that" day came rushing back to me and I wanted so badly to get up and run over to that woman and hug her as tight as possible and tell her how truly sorry I was and how unfair I know it all is.  I let my tears fall and whispered to Hailey to watch over that new little baby laying by her and then quietly got up and left.  Once in the car I was pretty shaken up and it took me a little while to pull myself together and continue on with my day.  Once again, I wasn't quite prepared for how intensely that experience would affect me.  

Then, just yesterday (Friday) while Ava was napping, I decided to reorganize the desk in my room.  I came across a few DVD's that weren't labeled, so wondering what they were I popped one into my computer.  It turned out to be all the pictures from Hailey's funeral.  Sean's cousin took a lot of pictures that day, which I am very grateful to have.  She did such an amazing, dignified job.  I glanced at a few and then quickly ejected it. 

The next DVD happened to be the video of all the photos of Hailey's precious little life put to music that Sean's brother and his wife made for the funeral.   After the first few seconds of music and a couple pictures, that DVD was quickly ejected as well.  So why in the world I decided to put the third one in is beyond me, but I did anyways.

Next thing I know I'm watching the men on the stand at church rise to their feet as Hailey's tiny white casket, covered with flowers is pushed across the aisle.  Behind her I see Sean and me walking, as I clutched her blanket and the outfit she had on the day she died.  That was all it took for me to completely break down and lose it.  I knew I wasn't prepared to watch her funeral, but it was like I was frozen in time and couldn't help but just stare at the screen.  My heart raced.  My stomach turned.  My chest filled with sobs.  The tears came pouring down my cheeks.  With an unsteady, shaking hand, I was able to finally push the stop button and give myself some reprieve.

That was by far the worst moment of unpreparedness I think I've ever experienced.  It took me quite a while to recover from that and regain some sense of composure. I was shocked at how much I'd "forgotten" about that day and the excruciating pain that went along with it...but it only took 2o seconds of watching to bring it all back to the surface again.

Three times in three days I was blindsided with vivid and/or unexpected events that shook me to my core.  It was actually quite humbling to realize how truly weak I still am and how much pain I still feel at the loss of my little girl.  But, as strange as it may sound, I found it all slightly comforting.  As much as I want the pain and grief to go away, it reminds me that I still, and always will, love and miss my baby girl to my very core.  

These emotional moments definitely get fewer and farther between.  They begin to be replaced by good, happy memories of Hailey and even by new experiences with her.  (Like the special dimes I find that I know are from her.) I will NEVER get over it or move on...but, I hope one day I'll have the strength to be able to sit down and watch the video of her funeral (or memorial, as I like to call it) with a feeling of peace and pride at the amount of love and compassion she brought into that one room, all in her honor.

A Neat Experience

Last Friday my sister, mother, and Lexi threw a baby shower for me.  Although I was really excited, I was also feeling a little apprehensive all day. As much as I'm excited for this new little bundle of joy, I'm also reminded that Hailey isn't here to be a part of it.  Any time there's any type of "celebratory" event or holiday I always feel a bit of sadness and grief for that empty spot that belongs to Hailey.  I want to see her laughing and smiling with us.  I miss the excitement and joy in her eyes and face.  I hate that she's not in any of the pictures (except the ones taken at her place).  As great and fun as those days are, they'll never be the same again.

Before the shower, my sister and I ran to the store to pick up some last minute supplies.  I also bought a bouquet of flowers to leave at Hailey's Place.  While checking out, I happened to look down for a split second and right there next to my shoe was a dime, tails up!

Later on, as everyone was at the clubhouse setting up for the shower, I stayed home by myself and started skewering fruit. Since I was sitting alone and it was really quiet, something I don't experience often, I was starting to get lonely.  When I feel lonely, the thoughts of Hailey and how much I miss her quickly come flooding into my mind.  So, needless to say, I was starting to get a little down and miss her like crazy. 

Well I didn't want to allow myself to get bummed out and depressed right before my shower.  This was supposed to be a fun, exciting night!  So I put on the radio for some company. I have satellite radio on my TV so I made sure it was on an upbeat station with all the most recent music.  As I was sitting there skewering fruit and listening to the radio, I kept looking up at a picture of Hailey on my fridge.  It was at her last birthday party and she was smiling away.  I longed so much to see that smile in person again and I couldn't help but wonder what role she would have played in getting ready for this baby shower.  I knew she would have been thrilled to help out!  That empty pit of sadness in my stomach was growing...

All of a sudden, in between songs of Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, came on the song, "It's A Beautiful Day," by U2!  I have that as the ringtone on my cell phone, in Hailey's honor, because that was her famous saying.  Anyways, I was so taken aback and then, of course, the tears started to fall (tears of joy).  I knew she was there with me at that moment, telling me "It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away..."

I have to say that it turned out to be just that.  The weather was beautiful and the shower was a blast.  I knew my little girl was right there by my side, celebrating the soon to be arrival of her new little brother!  I love her.