Completely Blindsided...AGAIN

Today started out wonderful…actually it was beautiful.  Sean surprised me and decided to take the day off.  My sister also took the day off and stopped by to hang out for a while.  The weather was absolutely perfect, so we decided to do something fun with the kiddos.  I was feeling great physically and emotionally.

I surprised Lexi when I picked her up from school and brought one of her friends home with us.  The weather was in the 80’s so we decided to take the girls swimming for a while and wear them out.  The pool is always bittersweet for me because Hailey absolutely LOVED swimming.  She had just finished her swimming lessons about a month before she passed away (I still have her little award on my fridge.) so she had developed great confidence in the water.   The night before she passed away we had a big neighborhood barbecue at the pool and she stayed to shut the place down!  (That was why I thought she was so tired the following day and “sleeping” so long.) 

Anyways, a few of our neighbors were also swimming and one had brought his CD player.  As I sat by the pool, listening to the Beach Boys blasting and watching Sean and the girls swim I felt really good and relaxed.   I guess I shouldn’t have gotten too comfortable because I was about to be completely blindsided.

For whatever reason, he changed the CD to country music.  I’m a huge country music fan, however, as most of you know it can be a little depressing at times.  I had never heard the song that came on before so it was even more shocking and emotional for me.  It’s called “Who You’d Be Today,” by Kenny Chesney.  At first I thought he was singing about his wife, but after a few seconds I realized nope, I was wrong…it was about his child.  My stomach dropped and my chest went into a huge knot as I sat there completely frozen and listened to the following lyrics:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:)


It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world


Would you chase your dreams


Settle down with a family


I wonder what would you’d name your babies


Someday's the sky's so blue


I feel like I can talk to you


And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today…


Today, today, today…

Sunny days seem to hurt the most


I wear the pain like a heavy coat


The only thing that gives me hope


Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

I mean…seriously???  Really???  Are you kidding me???

It took a lot out of me to keep my emotions in check.  Although my eyes welled in tears I did a really good job of holding them back and trying to focus on anything else…the crack in the cement, the lawn chair, the sound of a lawn mower in the background, a poopy diaper…anything but those words and the intense heartache they were stirring inside of me.

After a couple other random songs the Beach Boys were back on and, although I was still a little emotional and shaken up, I was able to get past it and start to “re-enjoy” hanging out with my girls and husband.  About an hour later, Sean left to take Ava home and I stayed with Lexi and her friend for a little longer.  I had mostly recovered from and somewhat “forgotten” the song, until…yes, it came on again.  This time, it was all over.  There was no controlling anything.  I seriously couldn’t believe I was going to have to sit through this and listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN.  I felt like a gazelle in the middle of a pack of lions with no way out.  It was fight or flight and I was completely unable to do either. 

The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of all these people, but there was almost no other option.  That’s when the hurt and pain turned into pure anger and rage.  Suddenly I became FURIOUS.  My whole body started boiling. 

I was furious that I have to go through something like this in my life.  I was furious at the ignorance of everyone around me to such a heart wrenching song.  I was furious that I had to sit there all alone in my heartache and pain.  I was furious at how real those lyrics were to me.  I was furious that I had to deal with this on what was supposed to be a beautiful, fun day.  I was furious that I didn’t have the strength to scream for someone to turn it off.  I was furious that the hurt was so raw.  I was furious that I had nowhere to escape to.  I could go on and on and on…

Finally after a few moments, I jumped up and yelled to Lexi that it was time to go.  I felt horrible that I had to cut their time short because of some stupid song, but I physically and emotionally could not bear to hear one more second of it.  I had to use that moment of strength to get the heck out of there.  As we left the pool area I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.  My heart was racing, my mind even faster.  I couldn’t believe all this was happening from a song…one freaking song. 

My “beau’ful” day was gone. 

Once I got home and was able to be alone for a few minutes the emotions surfaced and ran down my cheeks.  I still had to hold back as much as possible because I couldn’t bear the thought of Lexi catching even a glimpse of the sheer pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to ruin one second of the fun she was having with her friend by giving her a reason to worry or feel sad for me.  So I opened the dam just a tiny crack, let a little of the waterworks out, and closed it back up again. 

I wasn’t even able write about this yesterday when it happened because I was very shaken up all night.  Even today, the next morning, I’m still quite emotional about it.  Now, I’m trying to figure out how I’m ever going to go to the pool again…especially if there’s even a slight chance that song someone will play that song. 

I think that’s one of the worst things about grieving.  It’s seriously so lonely, especially when people don’t know what you’re going through or seem to forget.  The guy who played that song is one of the nicest guys around and would probably be devastated to know what playing that song did to me.  But, just because my heartache isn’t visible on the outside or I’m not physically crying all the time does not mean for a second that I’m not hurting or that Hailey isn’t right there in the front of my mind.  It's tough because I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or feeling sorry for me or afraid to say anything around me, but I think it's so important to just be aware of the things we say or do.  Sometimes we know full well what someone around us is going through, but most often, we don't.  Yes, there are times I feel strong and even “happy,” but even in those moments it only takes the smallest thing to bring everything flooding back in again. 

I really try to enjoy every moment that I feel strong and/or happy because I never know when that low point is going to hit again.  I guess that’s one good thing I’m learning through this process:  Enjoy the good times to the fullest and live in the NOW (the RIGHT NOW) because that’s really all we have.  The past is already gone and the future hasn’t happened yet. 

Although I still have a long way to go before I master that concept, I slowly see it making an appearance in my life and hope that one day I can live that to the fullest.

Some photos of Hailey swimming:

At her second birthday party with Grammies & Grampies

Enjoying swimming lessons

Proud Mommy

Hailey's award, still on my fridge

Swimming on the 4th of July with her Daddy & sisters

Who You'd Be Today...


Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:)


It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world


Would you chase your dreams


Settle down with a family


I wonder what would you’d name your babies


Someday's the sky's so blue


I feel like I can talk to you


And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young


Like a story that had just begun


But death tore the pages all away


God knows how I miss you


All the hell that I've been through


Just knowing, no one could take your place


Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today…


Today, today, today…

Sunny days seem to hurt the most


I wear the pain like a heavy coat


The only thing that gives me hope


Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday