The Light At The End Of The Tunnel: Yet Another Christmas

Yet another Christmas has come and gone without my sweet Hailey here. I'm not sure why, but this year was harder than the last two. (My first was by far the worst ever.) But for some reason, I really missed her, an extra lot, this year. I've gotten pretty used to daily life without her, although she's always on my mind, but I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the roller coaster of emotions that I'm continually on (and will probably be on for the rest of my life on this Earth.) It's just so weird how some days, weeks, and months go smoothly and relatively unemotional and then all of a sudden it all comes back again. I would have thought that after 4 1/2 years it would all seem "normal," but it still doesn't.

I hate to admit that in some ways it gets harder. More and more new people enter my life that don't know about Hailey, which means I have to continually decide whether or not to inform them that I really have 4 children or to just let them continue assuming I only have 3. It usually depends on the person and situation. I also am continually seeing other children who are the age she would be now (7 1/2) growing and learning and maturing, while she's not. I'm always wondering what she would be like and how she would interact with us and her siblings. I miss her.

Although I have a lot of faith and know that this was her plan and her time to go, it's still really hard. I feel cheated in some ways. I put so much hard work and time and effort and love into raising my sweet little girl...everything I had...only to have her leave me. And yes, I know spiritually she's here, blah, blah, but that doesn't mean I don't still miss her and selfishly want her here physically. I want to hug her and kiss her, hear her laugh, cry, sing, and yell, see her smiling face, watch her light up with excitement on her birthday and Christmas morning, see her interacting with her sisters and brothers. I HATE that I don't get to experience any of those things with her.

This Christmas was especially hard, I think, because I have some close friends who are still newly grieving and I feel their pain and sadness. The holidays are a beautiful time of year, but for those of us grieving or celebrating without a loved one they can also be very ugly. I used to always send out a Christmas card, every year, but I haven't since Hailey died. And as much as I love getting cards from all my family and friends, I hate to admit that I do feel a little sting seeing such beautiful "complete" family pictures, knowing that I will never have that. (Please though, keep sending me your cards!!! I still want them!!!)

Sometimes I wish I could actively grieve outwardly and cry in front of others so they could see how much pain I still feel, yet in many ways I'm also grateful that I grieve better in solitude. My sadness and pain often manifests itself in other ways, such as moodiness, impatience, being distracted, and sheer exhaustion. So when you see me acting those ways, know it's not about you...I'm just missing my little girl and don't want to cry in front of you.

On a positive note, I'm also so grateful that I love to laugh and still do even after 4 1/2 looooong years of grieving with many, many more to go. There are three things that have gotten me through this trial: My faith, the support of my family, friends, and strangers, and laughter!

Anyways, I just felt the need to get a little venting out since I didn't have much time to write during this holiday season. So there it is. I still have so much to be grateful for and for that I'm even grateful!

This was the picture we put on the last Christmas card I sent before Hailey died.

(Joey isn't in any of these because he wasn't born yet, which is why I'll never have a complete family photo.)

It was so frustrating to try to get a good pic with everyone looking at the same time, so we ended up just all shutting our eyes! (Of course, Barbie's eyes are still open, so I still didn't win!! HaHa)

My 3 beautiful girls.