Still Here

Yes, I'm still here, although it's been quite a while.  I don't know why tonight I felt so compelled to write, but in a lot of ways I really miss writing.  

All week I've been feeling on edge, frustrated, impatient, angry, and the list goes on.  I couldn't really figure out what my problem was until I was driving in the car tonight listening to my ipod and one of the songs a friend of mine sang at Hailey's funeral came on. (My Heart Sang A Lullaby, by Janice Kapp Perry...only she changed the name in the song and some of the other little details to fit Hailey.)  

As I felt the emotion well up in my chest and stomach, my mind was screaming for me to shut it off but in the end my heart won and I listened as tears started silently streaming down my cheeks.  Luckily it was dark and I only had Ava and Joey with me so they were sitting in the back seat watching a movie, totally oblivious to the sadness that was quickly engulfing me at that moment.  I wanted nothing more than to pull over and sob and just let all those feelings pour out, but I couldn't.  I had to pull myself together before Lexi got in the car so she wouldn't see me like that.  

I did all I could to fake feeling normal the whole way home telling myself that as soon as the kids got in bed I could be alone with my feelings and cry for my little baby girl who I miss so much.  Of course, when we got home all the kids were still hungry, then Joey needed a book, Ava needed me to lay with her, Lexi needed me to help her with her homework, and on and on.  (Sean is out of town.) I felt so guilty and selfish trying to rush them through everything so I could be alone and finally just cry. 

It's so frustrating to still be dealing with grief after 4 1/2 years.  I definitely have many more good days now than bad and I'm great at hiding the pain through smiles and laughter, but without fail one of those awful days (or weeks) will come out of nowhere and blindside me.  I guess it's just a life long, never ending journey that I have no choice but to continue walking.

Luckily most of the people in my life are still very supportive after all this time.  When I'm having those rough days and I call them looking for some love and compassion they're always quick to give it to me.  There are no words to express my gratitude for them because otherwise during weeks like this I'm not sure how I'd survive.

I'm very religious and have a lot of faith, but even so, I still hurt.  I still miss my little girl EVERY single day.  I still want her back.  I still get sad and angry.  My faith gives me hope and does a lot to alleviate those feelings, but it doesn't take them away.  Honestly, I'm just ready for Hailey to come back. 

So when the kids were in bed I shut my door and cried.  I cried for Hailey.  I cried for a friend of mine who lost her little boy in a sledding accident.  I cried for another friend who lost her baby girl waiting for a liver transplant.  I cried for a friend who lost her father and another who lost her mother.  I cried for a friend who just recently lost her son in a car accident.  I cried for another friend who also recently lost her husband in a car accident.  I cried for a friend who lost her fiance to cancer. I cried for every person I could think of that I know, have met, or have just heard about that has lost a loved one to death.  I just cried and cried and...cried.

I guess since this doesn't happen as often now I need to get it all out once its built up.  And I did.

I miss you Hailey.  I miss you so much.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
(This song makes me cry every time I hear it.  It reminds me of my journey through grief. Click on the title to listen.)