Guilt

Among all the other emotions I’m currently dealing with is that of guilt.  The guilt that is piling up over putting my family and children through my emotional turmoil is weighing on me like a ton of bricks.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I know they are there for me, but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with taking that support and needing them all the time.  I just want to be normal and happy.  I know how when someone around you is down all the time it can definitely start to wear on you and I just don’t want to do that to my family and friends.  I’m so independent and absolutely HATE needing and/or asking for help.

As I laid in bed awake all freaking night while sick, I constantly felt this sweet, precious baby moving all around and then of course, begin to worry frantically.  Are all the emotional up and downs going to affect him, the constant anger, crying and worrying?  Is my being sick and on my third antibiotic this pregnancy going to hurt him?  Is my lack of sleep and eating going to cause him stress or pain?  I’m now wondering if I should have waited longer, until I was through all this stuff, to get pregnant again.  My poor little boy is already coming into the world under a whirlwind of emotion.  I was doing really well when I got pregnant.  I thought I was on the upswing.  I definitely had no idea I was headed for such emotional turmoil.  I’m sure the pregnancy contributes to my emotional state in many ways, but that’s not the baby’s fault, so the thought that any of this could be affecting him causes me a lot of guilt.  I really hope and pray that he is resting comfortably and not being subjected to what is going on with his mother on the outside. 

The guilt that I feel over these freaking mood swings is beyond words.  I’m sick over it.  I love my girls so much and hate the fact that they have to be around me when I’m emotionally struggling.  Lexi is the happiest, bubbliest little girl ever.  No joke, I often call her my perfect child because in so many ways she is. (Yes, and in some ways she isn’t, but honestly, very few!)  I would do anything for her, but the one thing I really want to do, just be a normal, happy go lucky, fun to be around, mom, I just can’t.  It doesn’t seem to phase her at all on the outside, although, every once in a while when I’m really grumpy, she totally puts me in my place.  But, I don’t know what it does to her on the inside.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a crazy psycho mom to her or anything, just sometimes impatient or easily frustrated, but those times are so unpredictable to me (and her), which is why I feel so darn guilty.  I don’t know what I would ever do without her and her pure unconditional love.  She is my rock, in a lot of ways.  She keeps me grounded, gives me a reason to get up every morning and keep going and trying.  She is amazing.  So when I get angry with her or yell at her for some small thing the guilt I feel inside is overwhelming. 

And then there’s little Ava.  I feel extreme guilt at my impatience with her sometimes.  Those of you who have had kids know perfectly well how frustrating and difficult a 2-year old can be at times.  Normally, I’d be able to deal with it, but when my mind is already completely overloaded and overwhelmed, those little 2-year old hiccups can seem like the end of the world to me.  Having a demanding 2-year who needs and wants my attention all day everyday is so overwhelming to me.  It’s hard to find a moment to just calm down and think.  I feel like I’m going to miss out on her entire childhood being frustrated, rather than enjoying her.  She’s so darn cute and I just love her with all my heart.  Sometimes when I check on her at night while she’s sleeping I just want to hold her perfect, quiet, still little body in my arms for hours (but I wouldn’t dare wake her up!).  I know she probably won’t really remember any of this or that she even thinks anything is wrong, but I will and that kills me inside causing more guilt.

Continuing on with the pile of guilt, I feel horrible that my husband is trying to work a full time job in a new position and then have to worry about me and my sudden relapse of grief.  Having to come home to a wife who is overwhelmed, sad, emotional, etc. can’t exactly be enjoyable.  I want to be someone he’s excited to see at the end of the day, who’s waiting at the door smiling when he comes home, who he looks forward to hanging out with because we have such a good time together, etc.  But honestly, right now, I don’t think I’m any of those things.  I just hope and pray that someday soon I will be again.  I have to say though that he handles me with such ease.  He is seriously the most non-judgmental person I have ever met.  He is my rock and I honestly don’t know if I would still be functioning without him. 

Lastly, there’s the guilt I feel for my family and friends.  I’m surprised they still answer the phone when I call.  They never know what they’re going to get.  Sometimes I’m happy and joking and laughing and others I’m the pure definition of negativity.  Unfortunately, right now, it’s usually the latter.  I know they love me unconditionally and are there for me no matter what, but as I said earlier, I’m sure it gets old and draining for them as well. 

Seriously, the constant guilt I feel for what I’m going through and all those around me is overwhelming and at times completely consuming.  It keeps me up at night.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me angry.  It makes me sad.  I wish there was a way to accept who I am right now and what I’m going through and even be okay with it, but there’s not and I’m not.  I’m just so grateful that I have such wonderfully, amazing, unselfish, people around me who consistently surprise me with their support and unconditional love.