Emotional Breakdown

Well I debated whether to put this on my blog or not, and then decided that I've been very honest and candid since I started writing, so I might as well continue.  I am officially in the process of an emotional breakdown. 

I've finally hit my breaking point.  I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted I almost cannot function.  I really haven't take the time I should to grieve my immense loss, and it's now taking a serious toll on me.  

Trying to help Lexi with all her emotional issues and deal with mine and keep up with family and friends and facebook and house work and church and Lexi's school and the list literally goes on and on and on...is something I just cannot handle right now.  

All of you who are reading this who either know me personally, are family, or my friends, please, please don't take any of this personally.  I promise it has nothing to do with anyone else but myself.  I have just over exerted myself to a point that I can no longer function.
 

This morning I honestly thought there was a chance I might end up in the hospital.  I'm unable to sleep at night, have raging headaches, a sore throat, burning stomach, body aches and shakes, racing heart, etc.  I can no longer think straight or focus on anything.  My memory is horrible.  Every little thing overwhelms and angers me...from my phone ringing to seeing a spot of dirt on the counter.  Every call I don't answer, message I don't respond too, etc. overwhelms me beyond explanation.

Sean came home early today and took tomorrow off so I could get away to my parents' house for the weekend.  As difficult as it is for me to just shut down and tune the world out, I'm forcing myself to do it.  I've decided that for the next two weeks I will not answer my phone, messages, emails, facebook, etc.  I am shutting down all contact to pretty much everyone, unless it's absolutely necessary. 


I'm hoping this will help me to decompress and clear my mind and just calm down.  I knew this was coming one of these days.  Everyone has warned me to slow down and allow myself to grieve or it's going to catch up with me, but anyone who knows me knows that I don't listen!!  Well, now I have no choice.  

I'm begging all of my family and friends to please not be offended or feel hurt.  I promise it has nothing to do with any individual person or group of people...It's all me.  I just need to finally tell myself, "NO!"  

I will keep updating my blog and fill you in on my first Mother's Day without Hailey.  This is something I'm really struggling with because all the primary children at church will be singing to the mothers and Hailey should have been up there with Lexi.  I'm not so sure how I'm going to deal with that, I'm just hoping that since I'm at church the Lord will give me an extra boost of strength and comfort.


Thank you all again for your continued compassion and support and also for being so non-judgmental of me.  You are my saving grace.

P.S. I'm also going to call that grief counselor first thing tomorrow.