Primary Program

Last Sunday was Lexi's Primary Program at church.  For those of you who aren't LDS, primary is basically Sunday school (and a bunch of fun, Gospel based activities) for children ages 3-12.  Once a year they have a Sunday service that is "run" by the children.  Each child gets a part, either a scripture, sentence, thought, talk, song, etc.  

This year Lexi was assigned to give a talk on how Jesus Christ is the Son of God and a God of Miracles.  (I'll attach it below for those who are interested in reading it.)  The day before we got her topic we received a children's video in the mail about how Jesus Christ raised his friend Lazarus from the dead, so we decided to focus on that miracle.  In the end of the talk we (I guess, more me than we) had written a small paragraph about how this miracle was so important to us because Hailey had passed away a year ago and we know that Christ has conquered death and Hailey will rise again one day as Lazarus did.  

Well when Lexi was practicing her talk last week she told me that she didn't want to read the part about Hailey.  Oh man, that hurt.  Of course, I didn't show it to Lexi because it was technically HER talk so it should be how she wanted it.  It took me a while to get over the sting of it and then I realized that when we had written her talk I kind of prodded my own agenda into it.  So, as much as it kind of hurt, I was proud of her for standing up for what she was comfortable with and making her talk, just that, HER talk.  (It's hard for me sometimes to not make "everything" about Hailey.)

I've made a very conscious effort to allow Lexi to grieve as she wants and feels comfortable doing so.  There are times that she doesn't like to talk about Hailey to others, such as in her talk or when I wanted to include a photo of her in our family photo on the first day of school.  Also, sometimes when I visit Hailey, Lexi will want to stay in the car.  I have accepted that and never make her feel guilty about it.  However, there are also times when she openly wants to share her sister with others.  Yesterday, she told me her teacher was teaching them about The Day Of The Dead that is celebrated in Mexico. Lexi asked her if she could bring a picture of Hailey in to share with the class, and bless her teacher's heart, she was happy to allow Lexi to do so!  Inside, I was thrilled that she was remembering her sister.

I guess this is all part of the grieving/learning process.  It's hard enough being a parent as it is, but when you have to parent a child who's been through a trauma (a trauma that you're also dealing with), that puts a whole new spin on things.  I've made it my mission to help Lexi grieve on her terms and within her own comfort zone.  She is a unique individual, as we all are, and needs the freedom to do her own thing, as we all do.

Anyways, back to Sunday's Primary Program.  I thought of Hailey and how she would also have been up there with all the other children giving her little part.  I thought I'd be okay with it because I still had Lexi to watch and be proud of, but ended up being completely caught off guard at how difficult it really was.  

Seeing the class that would have been Hailey's standing along the front (some proudly waving to their parents the whole time) just about ripped my heart right out of my chest.  I couldn't help but imagine her up there fidgeting and giggling and waving and then belting out her little part into the microphone as loud and proud as she could.  Every time the children started to sing, my stomach did somersaults and the tears started to flow.  Luckily, I didn't have any tissues with me so I held back quite a bit as to not make a scene! 

Then when Lexi got up to give her talk, the tears started to flow again.  This time because I was so proud of her and how brave and strong she is.  Hailey would have been in primary with her, yet she goes every week and sees all the other big sisters with their little sisters and she's all alone.  She stood up there and nailed her talk.  She was beautiful.  I can't even put into words how, for a small moment, I so strongly felt Hailey's presence, sitting in the pew right between Sean and me, watching her big sister, with a huge smile of pride on her precious little face, whispering to all her new spirit friends, "That's my big sister!" 

When Lexi was finished and came back to meet us she said, excitedly, to me, "Mom, I saw you crying all those tears of joy!"  Wow...that almost made them flow again.  I would never tell her that most of the tears I cried were full of pain and sorrow for the void of not getting to see both my girls up there together sharing their pure testimonies of Jesus Christ.  But as I thought about it for a minute, Lexi was partially right.  There were a few tears of joy as I thought of the fact that my little girl already knows everything those children were talking and singing about.  She's there!  She's there with her Savior, Jesus Christ, experiencing it all first hand.  Just as she said to her nursery teacher two days before she died, "Teacher, teacher..." To which her teacher replied, "Yes, Hailey?"  And Hailey replied back, "Teacher, me know Jesus."  And yes, yes she does.

The front cover of the program had the most beautiful picture of a little blonde girl tucked into Christ's bosom, just gazing up at him.  His arm was around her and I instantly thought...there's my Hailey.  She is here...she's represented right there on the program.  (I wish I took a picture of it to share.)  The tender mercies of the Lord are so wonderful!

The program...
(Doesn't that totally look like Hailey?)

Lexi's Original Talk

(She excluded the part in italics.)

Last week we got the video Lazarus Lives in the mail.  When I found out my talk was on how Jesus is the Son of God and a God of Miracles we decided to watch it for Family Home Evening.

In the video Jesus said that one day everyone who died will rise again from the grave, but we have to have faith.  Then Jesus’s friend Lazarus dies.  Lazarus’s sister is very sad and tells Jesus that she feels like death is so final and she would never see him again.  Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth in me shall never die.” After Lazarus was dead for 4 days, Jesus came and made him rise from the dead.  It was a true miracle!

Jesus said, “I have done this so you can see that I have power over death.” 

This miracle is very important to me because my little sister passed away last year and I know that one day she will rise again like Lazarus.  I have faith that because Jesus is the Son of God He can perform miracles. 

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thoughts Unexpected

I just spent 5 days on the East Coast with my sister and was quite surprised at the unexpected thoughts that crept into my mind.  For those of you who don’t know me very well, I was born in Boston and lived about 20 minutes outside the city until I was 13.  Even though I’ve lived in California for the past 20 years now, over half my life, I still tell people I’m from Boston.  My heart resides there and I would LOVE to move back one day. 

Anyways, I go back to visit almost every year and every time I’m there I get on the whole moving back kick…looking at houses, cities, schools, etc.  I even considered picking up a few job applications for Sean even though he loves his job right now.  But, I’ll bet he could scoop a mean Clam Chowda if he tried!

So here I was this last week in Boston and as my sister and I drove from Cape Cod up to Lake Winnepausakee, New Hampshire (we had a cottage there as kids) visiting family and friends, we passed through some of the most adorable, quaint New England towns.  Of course, I could picture myself living in every darn one of them with my cute little family, until I thought of Hailey. 

If my dream of moving ever became a reality, Hailey would definitely come with us.  Sean and I agreed after she first died that if we ever moved more than 20 minutes away from where she is, we would have to take her with us.  The cost of moving her would automatically be something we would have to factor into our budget.  I visit her at least 5-6 times a week, clean her stone, bring her fresh flowers, change her flag and knick knacks, and give her little picture a kiss.  That is the place I feel closest to her because it still gives me something to take care of since I can no longer physically take care of her. 

While in Boston I not only shopped for little things to bring back for Lexi and Ava, but I also had to find something for Hailey.  I couldn’t come back with something for only two of my three girls.  I was so excited when I found a little yellow school bus that said Boston on it.  She LOVED “lellow” buses and every time we’d pass one in the car, she’d yell, “Mommy, “lellow” bus.  Me ride “lellow” bus!”  She was supposed to take one to preschool last year when she started, so I felt that she would really like it!  It will look so cute sitting at her little place next to her beautiful smiling face.

Anyways, back to my “moving kick,” as I call it.  As we drove through all those cute little towns I caught myself looking for cemeteries.  I first looked to see if I could even find one and if I did I couldn’t help but wonder if it would be nice enough for my baby girl to rest her precious, little body in.  (Her place right now is pretty hard to beat…it is absolutely gorgeous.) I pictured how her flat stone would fit in with all the others and how I would decorate it in the winter and dig it out of the snow when it’s forty degrees below zero outside.  I already have some cute ideas! 

Then, of course, I had to go a step further and think about what we would ever do if we sold our house.  (Now, let me just say, we aren’t planning on it right now, I just go through this kick every time I’m back there…but this is the first time I’ve really thought about it in detail since Hailey’s been gone.)  I wouldn’t have a problem leaving the house behind even though that’s the last place Hailey lived because I know that her body and spirit will go with us anywhere we go.  The thing I did wonder about is how we would tell people that our baby girl literally died in that house.  Yuck…it’s horrible to even think about.  Would that make no one want it?  Would it totally freak people out?  I feel like she would watch over that house carefully forever because it was her childhood home and she had so many great memories there, but I’m not so sure others would feel the same way.

So, I know I’m totally jumping the gun on all these thoughts, but my mind has a tendency to wander and way over think.  None of them are even remotely relevant to me at this point in time, but I always go through the “moving back kick” when I’m visiting and play it all out in my head.  It’s just that this time I was really caught off guard by all the new things I have to think about and consider now that I have a daughter who isn’t physically here with us anymore.  I refuse to ever let her go, physically or spiritually.  She is and will ALWAYS be a part of our family and will therefore be included in any big family decisions or events. 

I love and miss her so much.

Hailey's Memorial Stone

I can't believe it took me this long to finally post a picture of Hailey's stone.  It took us a while to decide exactly what we wanted, but after a lot of "himming" and "hawwing" we figured it out.  We are so proud of how beautiful it turned out and feel that it represents Hailey in a way that will make all those who didn't know her, but pass by her place, feel her happy spirit.  


We had it placed on her one year "Heavenly Birthday" as we now call the day she died.  We felt like it was about time to give her a beautiful memorial representing her beautiful life, instead of the little, generic name plate the cemetery puts down.


I'm not going to lie though, it was hard.  First, officially seeing the physical stone finished and ready to be placed was quite emotional.  Of course, I know she's physically gone and not coming back any time too soon and I've completely accepted that, but seeing a "tombstone" with my baby girl's name on it just wasn't something I was completely prepared for.  Then when the man placed it into the ground even more emotions flooded in.  It is so beautiful, yet so final.  That was tough to bear.  


Since then, I've bought some granite cleaner and I go visit and clean her stone at least 4 to 5 times a week.  It's black and shiny so it gets super dirty, but it gives me something to take care of in Hailey's honor.  I don't get to take care of her anymore, so keeping her place looking clean and 'beau'ful' is my way of continuing to take care of her on a daily basis.  I have come to find joy in cleaning and shining her beautiful picture and memorial. I have come to find joy in bringing fresh flowers, plants, and cute decorations to her place.  I have made it my job to make sure that anyone who walks by her place will see it and hopefully think, "Wow, that's a very loved and missed little girl."  

Here are some pictures and descriptions of Hailey's memorial placement:
(You can click on them for a bigger view.)

Watching the man place her stone.

(We had balloons to celebrate her 1st Heavenly Birthday.)

There it is...super shiny.

Hailey's Place looking beau'ful on her 1st Heavenly Birthday.

A Family Photo

A tender moment between sisters.

The Official Stone

(See below for description)

• Of course her name is arched along the top.
• Below that it says, "Ooge."  That was one of Hailey's nicknames.
• Above that, at the very top are some of her favorite things:  Animals, Swimming Lessons, Eating, Therapy (She went to physical, occupational, and speech therapy 5 hours a week and absolutely LOVED it!), Lay's Potato Chips (Of course!), and Nursery (That is her church nursery...she adored her nursery leader and that's where she said the Sunday before she died, "Teacher, me know Jesus.")
• Of course below all that is her picture, dates of life, and website. (Sean really wanted that so I finally relented and I'm glad I did.  It's something that we are very proud of.)
• On the bottom left is a picture of the Washington D.C. Mormon Temple.  (This is very significant because it's were Sean and I were sealed for eternity together and to our children.)
• On the bottom right is an etching of a painting that Hailey's nursery leader did a couple days after she passed away.  It is Hailey holding Jesus's hand.  The quote underneath was one of her favorite things to say, which we felt was so fitting to go along with the photo.  The day she went to Heaven was a beau'ful day for her.
• In the bottom middle is the original dime I found. They were able to sauder it into the stone!

So, that's the official memorial for our little Hailey Mayz.   It is absolutely perfect.

Hailey Featured on the Lay's Potato Chips Site!!!

I know it's been a while since I've last written, but in most ways that's a good thing.  Life has been busy and moving forward.  I am slowly learning how to navigate my way through life without Hailey, while still keeping her a part of me and our family in everything I do.  

Part of that everything is our exciting news that Lay's Potato Chips has decided to feature Hailey and her foundation on their Facebook page!!!  After Hailey passed away, Sean contacted Lay's and told them all about Hailey and her immense love for their chips.  They have been "amayzingly" gracious towards us.  

Just click on the following link to see firsthand: http://www.facebook.com/lays

As soon as I saw it posted my heart started racing so fast I thought it would break the sound barrier!!!  I couldn't believe it.  What an honor!  I am so grateful and flattered that such an enormous worldwide company would be willing to feature our little Hailey on a page of over a million users.  I don't know how to ever thank them except for promising to buy their chips from now until eternity!!!  And that I can do!  Even though Hailey is no longer physically here, I'm always out buying little "lellow" bags of their chips to leave at her place...sometimes I even spring for the full size bag on special occasions!  (The birds LOVE it!)

Anyways, I watched the video posted of Hailey getting a custom made Lay's shirt on her 3rd birthday from one of her favorite people ever, our neighbor Matt.  I've only seen it once before because of the emotion that it brought out in me.  And I'll admit, nothing's changed.  I cried my eyes out for about 20 minutes after watching that clip.  She was so beautiful and happy that day...as I know she still is in Heaven.   (She was laid to rest in that same shirt, her favorite!)

After watching the video I went back to the Facebook page and started reading people's comments.  Of course, there were definitely some people who had some negative things to say, usually along the lines of questioning why I would feed my child so unhealthily.  The funny thing is, aside from the chips, she ate quite healthy.  Her last meal was quinoa and broccoli...her favorite.  You can't get much healthier than that.  Anyways, my point in this is that at first I was really upset that people would be so judgmental and negative, but after a few minutes of reading on, I came to realize that those were the mere few.  The majority of comments were amazingly positive and supportive.  Gosh, there are so many good people in this world.  

Every single little comment of support lifts me up and makes me smile beyond description.  You are all wonderful and I thank you again for walking beside me along this journey.

These Are The Times...

There are certain times that the loss of Hailey feels a little more intense and realistic than others.  Although I don't often verbally express or physically show the constant feeling of emptiness I have without Hailey, it is ALWAYS there on my mind.  Today, for example, was one of those days.  

I went to a birthday party for one of my good friend's son.  Lexi was at a friend's house and Sean stayed home while Ava napped.  As I walked across the parking lot by myself it struck me that I probably would have taken Hailey with me today.  Where else would she have been while Lexi was gone and Ava was napping?  She would have gone to her little friend's birthday party with me.  As I pictured us walking together, hand in hand, through the parking lot, my stomach did that little flip flop thing and my heart skipped a beat or two.  I sat and wondered to myself where she would have been playing and who she would have been playing with.  Watching the other children hit the pinata stung a little too.  I remembered her two years ago at that same sweet boy's party climbing on the jungle gym, eating "peesh" and cake, hitting the pinata and scrambling for the candy. I really missed her right then.

After the birthday party we went to Sean's company picnic.  There was a bounce house and one of those huge inflatable slides.  Hailey LOVED those slides!  She was seriously fearless.  I remember about a month before she died we were at another birthday party with one of those slides and she insisted on climbing the blown up inflatable stairs, all the way to the top, BY HERSELF.  I couldn't dare touch her.  She was also one of the youngest and smallest children there.  Well sure enough, she did climb that entire thing by herself.  All the while, a huge line of about 10 other kids patiently trailed behind her.  I watched and waited for her to get to the top, look down, and refuse to slide.  I was annoyed because I knew that I would then have to climb that darn thing and slide down with her.  (Wow, what I wouldn't give to do that today.)  Anyways,  I couldn't have been more wrong.  She got to the top, plopped onto her little bum with a bounce and took off down that slide!  The smile on her face as she sailed down was "amayzing"!!!  She loved it.  

Anyways, back to the company picnic.  Towards the end of the day, Lexi really wanted to take Ava down the huge slide.  It's way to high for her to do herself, so I figured I'd pony up and go with them.  I carried Ava to the top, while Sean waited at the bottom with the camera.  Lexi sat down next to me and I had Ava on my lap.  Suddenly, we all took off together.  Lexi and I screamed the whole way down (I think Ava was too in shock to even utter a sound!) and then we all fell in a heap at the bottom laughing.  Sean was there taking pictures and for another moment I felt it.  I felt it so strongly.  Hailey was missing.  (I'm sure she was there in spirit and all, but that's not what I mean.)  Hailey was missing from all those pictures.  I want a picture of me with my THREE girls laying at the bottom of the slide out of breath and laughing hysterically.  I really missed her in that moment too.

Then as I talked to one of Sean's co-workers who has three children almost the same ages as my three, that little yearning feeling crept in yet again.   I watched their three kids together all day - running, jumping, laughing and sitting to eat.   I yearned so badly to have my three girls together like that again.  And yes, once again, I really missed her.

It's horrible because that void will always be there and as painful as it constantly is, I kind of want it there.  I don't ever want anything to take it's place...I just want Hailey back in it.  There will always be a big open spot where she's supposed to be.  Every time we're together as a family we feel her void, especially when we take photos.  I love photography and taking pictures of my girls, but this loss has put a little damper on it because every single time I photograph my girls, apart or together, the physical absence of Hailey slaps me across the face.  That's something I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with.  

These are the times when I struggle with my loss and grief the most.  Those normal,  day to day activities when Hailey should just be bouncing around, carefree, and happy-go-lucky with her sisters (and her mom and dad.).  I know one day I'm going to have to come to terms with the void she has left behind and I think in a lot of ways I have accepted it already, but I'm not sure that I will ever do so completely.

She Heard Me!!!

So apparently Hailey reads my blog because after writing my last post about her not sending me any dimes, what do you think came up today in literally the MOST random place ever?  Of course, a dime!! Seriously, I could not believe it!  I'm thrilled because my faith in "the sign of the dimes," has officially been restored and I know that Hailey is still with me!!!


Today I took the girls out to dinner with a friend and as we were leaving Ava ran off, as usual.  There was a group of bushes off in one of the far corners of the outside of the restaurant.  She ran over toward them trying to escape my soon to be death grip.  As I went to grab her I happened to look down and literally off behind the bushes, against the wall of the restaurant, under a little ledge, half buried in the dirt was a dime, tails up!!  


I honestly could not believe it.  I mean, seriously, how in the world would a lone dime end up on the side of a restaurant behind a group of bushes in the dirt?

The pictures are kind of blurry because I took them with my cell phone while holding on to a squirming Ava...but you'll get the point!

Can you find it?

Start at the cigarette butt :), go straight up to the wall and then look directly to the right.  It's that little tiny circle under the ledge!

A closer look!

It was so ridiculously random and awesome!  I don't care what anyone thinks or says...I am a true believer of signs.  They are absolutely real.

Where, Oh Where, Has My Little Hailey Been?

Gosh, I can't even tell you the last time Hailey has sent me a dime.  I have to admit that I was always a little apprehensive about relying too much on finding them, but I just couldn't help it.  I'll grab onto anything that will make me feel closer to Hailey.


Anyways, I just figured she hasn't sent me any recently because I've been doing pretty good.  It's so weird how in the first few months I found so many dimes in so many "random" places at so many perfect times.  But lately, not a one.  I'll admit, it hurts.  It makes me sad.  It makes me wonder...were those really signs from Hailey or was I just stretching for anything?  I mean some of them were seriously so undeniable and almost miraculous (if you could say that about finding a dime!).  I know they were from her, without a shadow of a doubt, but why none now?


A few days ago my friend and I took our kids on the train to a really cute petting zoo in San Juan Capistrano.  The last time I was there, Hailey was too, and we all had a blast!  I have some adorable pictures (I'll post some at the end!).  Anyways, I talked to her and told her I really wanted to know she was there with us that day and begged her to send me a dime.  So, of course, I thought for sure I'd find that special dime somewhere along the way!  I was actually excited about it!  I couldn't wait to feel close to her again, like she was right there!  But, I looked and looked and begged and begged and found nothing.  I can't really say I was angry, but I was definitely very disappointed.  There were so many opportune places that day to find a lone, special dime, but nope, nothing.  


Then, on Lexi's first day of school I hoped for the same, a little sign that she was there with her sister...but again, nothing.  I mean, am I being ridiculous?  Was I relying on something totally untrue or far fetched?  Has she forgotten about us already?  Or, could there be a recession in Heaven too?


Who knows, but honestly, I am really bummed and kind of feel forgotten about.  I mean, deep down inside I know she'll never forget us and will always be around; I guess I just want it to be on my terms.

I just really miss her.  :(

Zoomar's Petting Zoo

March 5, 2008

Hailey LOVED animals!

(I kind of picture her like this in Heaven, with all the animals around her, maybe even a lion or two thrown into the mix!)

Where there was food to be eaten, it didn't matter who's it was!

Letting her crawl on the ground with the goats just about killed me!

She just loved to take it one step too far and torture me!

She got quite the bath after this event!