New Year's Eve

Well as you can tell by the title, it's New Year's Eve.  I can't say I'm excited this year to "ring" it in.  Actually, for the first time ever in my life,  I am honestly soooo ready for the holidays to be over.  I'm totally over Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day...etc, etc, etc.  Tonight I'm feeling a little down. (Actually a lot down.)  I'm exhausted from only getting 4 hours sleep last night and dealing with a stubborn, little one year old today and it seems that when I'm tired, my grief tends to get the best of me.  


I went to Hailey's Place today and had a good cry (and talk with her).  I just miss her so very much.  As I've mentioned before, I've heard from others who have lost children that the 6 month mark gets reeeeeeally tough.  For a while I thought that maybe I would be the exception, but now I'm starting to realize that grief doesn't really have exceptions.  It's just one of those things that really can't be avoided, no matter how much faith you have.  Hailey's only been gone for 4 and a half months and I've already had to spend Lexi's birthday, Hailey's first day of Preschool, Sean's birthday, my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and in a few hours New Year's Day by my daughter's graveside.  I kind of feel like it's been a little much.  Honestly, I'm so over it.  Done.  


I can't stand not having her around.  I can't stand not hearing her giggles, yells, cries, I love you's, etc.  I can't stand not being able to see her sparkly blue eyes and crooked little smile.  I can't stand not being able hold her, tickle her, and watch her grow and learn.  I just can't stand it.  


Sorry to be so down on what should be a fun and exciting night, but unfortunately for me, tonight is just a reminder that I'm going to spend the whole year of 2010 and the whole year of 2011 and the whole year of every other 2000 without my Hailey.  


I'll check back tomorrow and let you know how it's going.
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Oh, on a really neat and positive note, I do have one thing I thought about that I wanted to share.  On Christmas night when I had my major emotional breakdown I got to a point that I literally didn't think I could take one more moment of the grief.  I literally laid on my bathroom floor and wailed.  I prayed and begged and prayed and begged for the Lord to take the pain away.  I felt for the first time that  I wanted to die and be with Hailey.  (Don't worry, I'm okay...I won't be doing anything drastic!)  Anyways, after what seemed like literally hours (and who knows, maybe it was...time wasn't a factor at this point) I was finally able to stand up and sit on the edge of my bed.  All of a sudden I felt an amazingly peaceful, calm come over me.  I felt as if Hailey had entered the room and was standing right there with me.  It was as if she was saying, "It's okay Mommy, I'm here now."  I didn't literally hear that, as I did that night in my kitchen when I heard her tell me she chose to go, but I felt it so strongly I might as well have heard it.  I just sat there, suddenly at peace, and took in the feeling.  I pictured in my mind my little Hailey partying it up at Jesus' birthday party...eating all the "lellow peesh"...and a couple angels coming up to her saying, "Hailey girl...can you come with us for a few minutes?  Your mommy needs you right now."  And of course, my baby girl would say, "O-tay, me go!"  Anyways, I'm not claiming in any way that this actually happened up in the heavens above!  It's just what I felt and pictured in my head.  The only thing that I will claim to be true is that at my lowest possible moment, I felt a peace like the one I felt when I saw her for the first time in her "bed" and I knew she was there.  Once again, another tender mercy from my Father in Heaven.  Another reminder that in the most difficult time of my life, I am still truly loved and blessed!

Christmas Photos

So I'm definitely feeling much better...back to "normal," if you want to call it that!  Christmas day really threw me for a loop, but I'm back on the up and up!  Although, I did hit a rough patch tonight when Lexi cried for Hailey.  I guess today at church they had all the big brothers and sisters get their little brothers and sisters for their first day in Primary.  Lexi was really sad that Hailey wasn't there.  She LOVES being a big sister, so I think it hit her a little hard.  We sat and hugged and talked about it and how one day she would have the chance to take her little sister to primary.  I promised her that tomorrow we would go to Hailey's Place with our journals and write her a letter.  That seemed to cheer her up and all got better.

Anyways, I wanted to share some pictures from Christmas this year.  Enjoy!

Lexi decorating Hailey's Christmas tree.

Our family at Hailey's Place

I thought that flag was so cute.  It looks just like her.

(Although, in all honesty, I don't recall her ever being that angelic!!!)

Hailey's Place looking so loved!

(Thank you to all of you who stopped by to visit our little angel!)

Santa stopped by!

We decided to keep Hailey in our annual ornament exchange.

She "got" Lexi, so we felt a "lellow beep" would be fitting!

(That's Lexi's sign from Hailey!)

Us with the life size cardboard cutout of Hailey from my sister.

(As you can see, I don't quite look my best...It was a rooooough night!)

By the way, I do actually love that cutout of Hailey.  

I can't look at it very often though, due to one of two things occurring:

1. The floodgates open full force

or
2. I just about crap my pants thinking she's seriously standing there.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the pics!

Feeling Better

Well it's the day after Christmas and I'm already feeling much better.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss my little Hailey more than words can express, but I feel the hope again.  Last night, after typing my post, I had a major emotional breakdown.  I cried harder than I think I've ever cried before.  I actually cried so hard I gave myself a bloody nose!  That's a first for me.  Luckily, I have an amazing husband who came upstairs and just sat and held me while I sobbed and talked and sobbed and talked and sobbed some more.  I was terrified that the pain I felt last night would never ease up, but it did.  As I was sitting there crying, I felt as if Hailey said to me, "It's okay mommy, I'm here," which then made me cry even harder.  But I believe she was there.  I don't know where I'd be without my faith and knowledge that she still lives...maybe not here physically, but there spiritually.  I know she's happy, which doesn't necessarily make me happy, but it does give me some peace and comfort. 

Yesterday was probably one of the weakest days I've had since Hailey's passing, but now that today is a new day, I am going to pick myself up and continue moving forward and doing good things for others in her name.  So, on that note, I wanted to share with all of you some of the "Hailey's Halos" we've been able to give out this holiday season. 

This is the email that Sean posted on the Hailey Mayz Foundation Website:  (posted December 23, 2009)
Shortly after our most recent halo announcement, we received an email from one of Wendy's high school friends. She is a nurse who has been taking care of Caylan, a single mother whose baby boy, Aiden, was born with Down's Syndrome. Caylan has been working hard to care for little Aiden and to make ends meet. It has not been easy - she wasn't planning on having Christmas this year. When we heard the story, we decided it was time for Hailey Mayz to help out. We called Caylan yesterday morning to tell her the news. You should have seen the smile on Lexi's face as she heard Caylan's joy, gratitude and excitement through the phone. What a blessing for our family. We hope and pray that this little gift from Caylan's friend and our angel Hailey will give them a Merry Christmas.

We also received an email from the sister of a girl I grew up with. Her sister's daughter, Nora, recently came down with Necrotizing Pneumonia and suffered some permanent lung damage. She has been in the hospital for quite a while, and the family has incurred some unexpected medical bills and financial hardship that typically goes hand-in-hand with caring for sick children. We sent Nora's family a Hailey's Halo as well - just in time for Christmas. Nora came home yesterday (yay) but has an uphill climb ahead of her.

Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers...

I really think we are onto something. We are leveraging the power of social networking and the charitable nature of our friends on Facebook to connect families in need with this foundation. Have we created a true social charity?

A quick update on the family we adopted from CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) - Last night we dropped off a ton of gifts, clothes, and food to a family that had a special needs baby in the NICU at CHOC. What a humbling experience to look into the eyes of a grateful mother & father and hear the joy in the children's voices as they opened their gifts. Lexi said in the car on the way there, "You know what the best gift for all these people we've helped is? Hailey". While there is probably no clinical evidence to prove it, I believe this service is helping to heal my 6-year-old's heart. And mine and Wendy's.

Many of you have donated to the foundation, and for that we'll be forever grateful. Many of you will send us recommendations on who we can help. For this, we will also be forever grateful. You are giving our family the opportunity to serve. You are helping our family heal.

We will be going on a short hiatus while we try to get through the holidays, but will keep you posted as the Hailey Mayz Foundation continues its quest to spread love and cheer.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Love,

The V's


Here is just one of the emails we received from a family that we were able to help through Hailey (and all of you!):

Dear Sean and Wendy,
I just wanted to write you a quick note while I have the kiddos in bed and I haven't joined them quite yet...we received your generous check today and we wanted to thank you again and let you know how grateful we are to be a part of Hailey's legacy. Your faith and generosity are an inspiration and a testament to your daughter's life and all the lives she has touched. When I have the chance, I am eager to write a little bit of Nora's story for your website, but I had to share something here for you that is unbelievable and a small miracle in my life--as I was talking to Sean last night on the phone, I mentioned to him that Nora and I found two shiny pennies on the street as we were getting into the car going home from the hospital, and how I immediately thought of Wendy and Hailey (I had been reading Wendy's blog for strength during our hospital stay). That story ended our conversation on the phone, and as I hung up, there on the bedside table, partially under the phone receiver, was a dime! Tails up! I couldn't believe it, and I am still in awed disbelief. Bruce and I were so grateful to hear of your offer to help us, but we were also humbled and wondering if we really deserved it. I truly believe that your daughter, through the will of Jesus, sent a sign to ease my heart and mind about accepting your generosity. What a fitting testament to the miracle of this Christmas season! We wish your family a joyous and blessed Christmas, and we will be praying for strength and joy to be showered upon you.
With grateful love,
Jeannie and Bruce and family
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What can be better than this???  Thank you Hailey!  I love you baby girl.

Christmas

Honestly, I was not even close to prepared for how difficult today would be.  I thought that since I've been so strong all along, I'd be strong today also.  Nope...not even close.  I have to admit that today was probably the most difficult day of my entire life, along with the day I lost Hailey, and the day I said goodbye at her funeral.  All I can do is cry.  

This is one of the reasons why I waited until tonight to write.  I didn't want to make anyone else's day less joyful or magical or cause anyone to feel sorry for me.  But the pain I feel right now is so intense I literally cannot describe it in words.  I have to say that I am so grateful for my family who took my children under their wing today while I basically shut down.  Again, I really wasn't expecting to take it so hard, so it completely threw me for a loop.  I didn't sleep well last night (or the night before) so I was beyond exhausted.  After watching Lexi open her presents, I came up to my room and sobbed hysterically for quite a while.  Then I slept from 9:00 in the morning until around 2:00 in the afternoon, and I still wasn't even close to being ready to get up, but I knew I had to at some point.  I walked around all day like a zombie.  Emotionally it took all the strength I had to hold it together for the little time that I did and physically I was so sick.  I could barely move.  I was nauseous.  I had a raging headache.  And believe it or not, I was so exhausted I felt dizzy.  Not to mention, those of you who know me, know that I can talk!  Well today, I barely said 10 words and it really was only to answer those who spoke to me first.  Facing the day was almost more than I could bear.  I am still in shock at how hard it was.  Although my family was very understanding and supportive (Thanks Mom!) I still felt so lonely.  

I must have really been in denial, but I seriously thought that I would be a little bummed today without Hailey, but still able to function and enjoy the day.  Wow, was I wrong.  It kind of scares me a little.  Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  Maybe I don't have the faith that I thought I did.  Maybe reality is finally starting to really set in.  It's that last statement that terrifies me the most.  If I start feeling like this everyday I don't know what I'll do.  I mean, I couldn't even take care of myself today, let alone my poor children.  The funny thing is, I am so glad for all this hoopla to be over, yet I'm actually kind of sad it is too.  I'm just so scared that the way I feel today will be how I'm going to feel tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

Hailey's Place was so beautiful today when we went to visit.  But again I was caught really off guard.  I usually love being there.  I always feel so much peace when I'm there.  But today, I didn't.  It hurt to be there.  It ripped my soul apart.  I never thought I'd be spending a Christmas day at the graveside of my precious daughter.  I seriously wanted to get down on my knees and dig up the dirt and grab my baby girl into my arms and hug her little adorable body as tight as I possibly could and NEVER let her go.  I wanted to shake her, like I did that day I found her, and yell at her to wake up.  I seriously cannot believe this is my reality.  Stuff like this doesn't happen to me.  

As I talked to my mother-in-law today she told me how the Lord will one day compensate me for all this pain and grief I'm going through.  But honestly, I just don't know how that could possibly be true.  I mean those of you who follow my blog know that I am full of faith, but honestly, I really don't know that there's anything that could ever compensate for this pain and heartache.  It's beyond anything I could have ever imagined or thought I understood. I feel selfish admitting this too, because we have been able to help so many people through this experience.  But I still want my daughter back.  If I could have her back, I'd sell EVERYTHING I own to raise enough money to "re-help" those people.  I don't care what I'd have to give up. 

Anyways, I do want to apologize for not writing an uplifting blog today on such an important day in the lives of Christians, but honestly, I'm just not feeling it right now.  I wish I could have had some really cool story or miracle to write so you all felt uplifted and joyful, but I don't.  And I'm sorry for that.  I truly am.  The only thing I can say is that I do still have my faith and although my pain is beyond words, I am not angry at God for this trial.  I am sad though.  I know they say that God won't give us more than we can handle, but I think that's easy to say when we aren't handling something that seems beyond our capacity. 

Thank you again to all of you who remembered us today.  I live off your little notes and messages.  They mean the world to me.  And I do truly hope, with all my heart, that each of you had a wonderful Christmas or other holiday that you may celebrate.  

With Love.

Christmas Eve #2

It's now 8:54pm on Christmas Eve.  I made it through the day, but not totally easily.  I was obviously beyond exhausted, which causes my emotions to come up a lot quicker.  In the afternoon I took a nap and then went to Hailey's Place to write her a letter.  Since I started blogging, I turned my written journal into more letters to Hailey.  I feel really close to her as I write her letters.  As I sat there and wrote to her, the tears started to flow again.  The pain that I have gotten so good at suppressing all came flooding back and literally burned like someone lit a flame in my chest.


The cemetery did look absolutely gorgeous though.  I hope when I pass away I'll be remembered as much as those people.  Hailey's Place also looked beautiful.  Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to stop by and visit her.  You have no idea how much that means to me and my family.  I took some pictures of her place all decorated that I'll put up tomorrow.  (I still have wrapping to do tonight!)


We always exchange our family gifts on Christmas Eve so in the morning the kids can spend all their time opening their presents from Santa.  Well, the first gift my sister gave to Sean and me was a life-sized cardboard cutout of Hailey.  It may sound creepy to some, but it was actually awesome!  Of course, I started to bawl my eyes out looking at it, but as soon as I got it all out we stood her in front of the Christmas tree and it felt like she was right there with us.  I'll post the picture of her tomorrow as well.  (Oh, and no, I won't go crazy and start carrying her around with me...I think the Tinkerbell will do just fine!)  


I also made photo books for Sean, Kim, Lexi, and my parents with all the pictures I had of Hailey with each of them individually.  I gave those at the end because I knew the tears would flow...and that they did.  It was quite emotional.  I am still in total shock that I am spending Christmas without my baby girl here.  I would have never dreamed this in a trillion years.  


I'm going to go spend some more time with my family tonight, but I wanted to let you all know that your prayers and thoughts are working.  I still feel blessed and grateful for the things I do have.  My husband rocks, my kids rock, family rocks, my friends rock.  I have a knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and my daughter lives with Him right now as we live here.  


Please remember the true reason we celebrate Christmas.  


I'll be back on tomorrow to let you know how Christmas morning went.  With love and happy wishes to you all.


Love, Wendy

Christmas Eve

Well it's 3:30 in the morning here and I'm still up.  I feel like I've been pretty strong so far this holiday season, but I think the reality is finally starting to hit me.  I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and my whole body literally aching to hold my little girl.  I just want to walk into her room and check on her sleeping peacefully.  I want to watch her chest rise and fall as she breathes and her little lips move as she dreams.  I can't believe she's really not going to be here Christmas morning to come running down the stairs, yelling with excitement.  How am I seriously going to do this?

I didn't want to come on here and write about my pain because I wanted to play the strong front and not bring anyone down during Christmas, but I also said that I would be totally honest.  Well, unfortunately, the truth hurts...me, especially.  The pain right now is so strong I don't even know what to do.  It's 3:30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink yet, not to mention, I'm still wide awake.  I have to get up in 3 hours to take care of Lexi and Ava, wrap presents, go on with the day, and somehow show excitement about the fact that Santa is coming tonight.  Where in the world am I going to get the energy and strength to do this?   

I think in many ways, I'm still in a lot of denial that Hailey is really gone.  Every holiday that goes by without her just brings home that fact even more.  It rips the scab off the wound and causes it to pour blood yet again. I do have my faith and beliefs and know that she isn't "completely" gone and will be with us spiritually, but honestly, right now, that's just not good enough for me.  Even if she is happier where she is, I don't want her there.  I want her here with me, with her Daddy, her sisters, her Auntie Kim, and grandparents.  I just don't feel like that's too much to ask. 

This really is so unfair.  Last Sunday Lexi came to me and told me it was one of the saddest days of her life.  When I asked her why, she said it was because all the little nursery children (at church) came into Primary to check it out because they would be starting in January.  She was so sad because Hailey wasn't there.  She was telling me how her friend's little brother always sits on her lap during Primary and how she thought that Hailey would have wanted to do the same thing with her.  (At our church, children from ages 18 months - 3 years old go to nursery.  At 3, they get to go to Primary.  These are like Sunday school classes.)  What do I say to that?  I was actually so excited to see her there too.  Lexi sang in church last week and I kept thinking of how Hailey would have been up there with her the next time they sang if she was here.  (Sorry this was totally off the topic, but just came to my mind.)

Anyways, I really don't have much else to say right now.  I'm just really praying and relying on my faith to get me through.  I always try to remember the last line of the poem Footprints in the Sand, "It was then that I carried you."

I will try to post again tonight to let you all know how things are going.  Thank you again for all the love and support.  I truly would not be here without it.

Cool Dime Story

Last night I went to Disneyland for my friend Kelli's birthday.  While there, I was determined to find a small Tinkerbell doll to represent Hailey in our family pictures (and outings).  As I was getting ready to pay for the one I found, I looked to my left and saw the cutest little Tinkerbell music box up on a shelf.  I picked it up and opened it.  There was this little Tinkerbell twirling around and the song, You Can Fly, from Peter Pan was playing.  It was so cute.  She looked just like Hailey and that song was played at the cemetary when we did the balloon release for her.  Of course, me being a "spender," decided to buy it.  But as I was waiting in line I started pondering it and thinking that I didn't really need it, etc., etc.  I really don't know why I was putting so much thought into it because normally I would have bought it and not thought twice, but for some reason I just couldn't decide.  Anyways, I finally decided that I'd already spent enough money for the night and was going to put it back.  My friend Alicia was in line with me at the time and couldn't believe what happened next!  Literally the second I stepped out of line we both heard this little tinkling sound.  As we looked down, right there underneath the stroller in front of me was a dime, up on its side, spinning around like a top!!!  Then it stopped and fell flat, tails side up!  We both just stopped, stunned for a second and then I scrambled to grab it before someone else would!  The funny thing is, no one even looked down.  That's when Alicia told me I should use the little music box for my dimes!!!  So yes, of course, I bought it!  I was so excited!

I've been to Disneyland about 8 times since Hailey has passed away and I've found a dime every single time!!!  But tonight, was going to be even better.  Later in the evening, the Christmas fireworks show started.  For those of you who haven't seen it, let me tell you, it's freaking amazing!!!  All the fireworks go to music and they are absolutely gorgeous.  The best fireworks show I've ever seen.  Only this time, I saw it differently.  I started to get very emotional because all I could think of was last 4th of July and how excited Hailey was about the fireworks.  We went to this little lake by my house and watched them light them off over the water.  She absolutely loved it!  Now I realized that I'd never get to see that little face light up with awe at the Disneyland fireworks.  It really cut deep.  It's the little things like that that we so take for granted.  Then at the end of the show they started to play the song, "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas." (Not sure if that's the actual title though.)  Well that just about did me in and started the waterworks flowing.  They were sprinkling a little, but not pouring luckily.  As we were walking away, in the dark, I just happened to look down in the middle of everyone, and there on the ground right in front of my foot was a dime!  AGAIN!  I couldn't believe it!  I seriously love her so much! 

Those were the first dimes I've found in over 2 weeks.  That's why I know they are from Hailey.  I swear I have never found a dime randomly.  It's only when I've specifically asked her for one and I'm having a rough time and need her there!!!  I am a huge believer in signs.  I mean, why not be?  Does it hurt anything?  

Anyways, I just wanted to share that and remind all of you that have loved ones who have passed on that they are aware of you and know your happiness and sadness.  So ask them for a sign that they are there with you, give them a chance to deliver, and most importantly...BELIEVE. 

P.S. By the way, the other day I was going through my pictures and randomly came across the picture of the dragonfly I found at Hailey's Place.  I posted it back on the page with the story called Waterbugs and Dragonflies (11-04-09) if you want to see it!!!