The Real Grief Is Setting In

This was actually written on Friday, Feb 4^th, but I’m just now feeling up to posting it.

Warning:  This is very long and heavy with emotional stuff, but also necessary for me to write.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, but I’ve finally decided to share with all of you what I’m really going through.  I’m probably going to be more candid and make myself way more vulnerable than I have ever been before in my life (and those of you who know me well know that I’m usually an open book.)  But I can no longer hold it all in and feel like I’m living a lie. 

Honestly, I’m not doing very well right now.  Emotionally, I’m on the verge of a breakdown, literally.  I don’t even think I was aware of how bad off I was emotionally until I hit rock bottom and had to face it. I decided to write out everything I was feeling and going through so I could somehow make some sense of it.  Well, once I started to write, I almost couldn’t stop.  The real me…the real emotion and pain I’m feeling came flooding out and actually shocked me quite a bit.   I guess I thought that by keeping my true pain and grief to myself, it would protect me, but instead I think it’s hurt me because I’m now completely drowning in it.  I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even put it into words.

Don’t get me wrong, because everything I’ve written in my blog so far is the absolute truth and how I feel at that moment, but I think there’s more to the truth that I’ve kept inside for so long.  For some reason, this week, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and literally almost checked myself into a hospital for evaluation.  I’m dying inside and feel like I can’t get out.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to share it with everyone, but I think I’m just so exhausted from trying to deal with it alone.  It’s been a year and a half and I think my biggest fear is that someone might actually think I should be over it by now or at least getting better, but realistically, I’m worse.  I am terrified that if I show my true emotions people aren’t going to want to be around me anymore because I’ll be a total downer or it will be an uncomfortable thing for them to have to deal with.  And honestly, it is.  It sucks.  Not only for me, but for all those who are personally involved with me.

I’m not even sure I’ve truly allowed myself to grieve because the sheer pain of it at times is literally almost too much to bear, so it’s easier for me to continually push it down and away and pretend like it’s not there.  It also terrifies me because I hate who I am right now.  I hate feeling angry and frustrated and miserable all the time.  I’m so tired.  My mind is chaos and every little thing that doesn’t go as planned or adds slightly to the chaos overwhelms me to the point of rage.

I’ve was seeing an amazing therapist for my grief and I guess I slacked off because I felt like I was doing better, but I’m not…actually I’m now doing WAY worse.  So I’ve reconnected with her.  I sat down one day, bawling my eyeballs out and listed, very openly and candidly, everything I’ve been feeling.  I’m actually going to show you all the list because I want everyone who knows me well to understand exactly what I’m going through and know that if I’ve ever been mean or grumpy or anything other than pleasant to you, this is why…it has nothing to do with you.  If I’ve seemed to over-react to some little, petty thing, this is why.  Everything, to me, is stressful, overwhelming and a big deal right now.  More importantly, I want to share it for those out there who are also grieving the loss of a loved one and maybe feeling the exact same way as I am.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are actually people out there who understand a little…me being one of them.

Here is the list I wrote for my grief counselor…it’s not edited, it’s just exactly as it came flowing out of my emotional mind:

• Extreme irritability and anger
• Literally everything sets me off into a rage (tiniest things like dropping something, or something out of place in my house, etc.)
• Don’t want to be around or talk to anyone, yet so lonely
• Feel trapped inside my body, want to be happy so bad, but I’m so angry
• Constant effort to appear happy and “normal”
• Emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to control my emotions
• Feel like I’ve tried everything: therapy, joined a gym (go 3 times a week), mommy and me class, read countless self help books, 10 minutes quiet time daily, religious (pray, very active in my church, read scriptures, etc.)…all only help temporarily for a couple hours at most
• Hate feeling this way and am starting to feel hopeless, like I’m never going to snap out of it
• My mind is in constant chaos.  I can’t seem to slow it down or relax.  Everything is overwhelming.
• Don’t even fully enjoy my good days because I feel like they’re not real and I’m faking them.
• Feel like I want to hide away somewhere or check into the hospital so I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone.
• Dread everything.  Overwhelmed by everything, even just getting out of bed in the morning
• Feel lost and and don’t want to tell anyone because I feel so horrible about it
• Mentally I know my feelings of rage, irritability, overwhemingness, anxiety, etc are not necessarily justifiable, but cannot control the emotional side
• Ready to crash and burn.  Feel like if something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously going to have a mental breakdown
• So sick of suffering inside.  I want out of my body.  I want to feel good and happy and enjoy my children and my life again.
• Just want some relief…will do anything.

After showing this list to my therapist and telling her that I literally feel like I’m crazy or psycho, she assured me that I’m not in any way, but I’m still grieving…a lot.  Apparently, I am now in the anger stage of grief (I kind of chuckle when I write that because, YA THINK??)  I’m freaking furious.  I never put the two together, my anger and the stages of grief because for some reason I must have thought I was different than every other person in the world who’s grieved.  I assumed that I was doing so well since I don’t cry all the time and therefore either bypassed all the stages of grief or sailed through them with flying colors.  Nope…I guess not.

One thing she said that really hit home was that I’m a mother who’s pregnant with crazy hormones, I’ve gone off some medication I was taking to help me with my grief, I’ve lost a child (finding her in a very traumatic way), and now I’m “replacing” her with a new child.  She wasn’t mean literally replacing her, but meaning that I’m now bringing a different child into the world and changing my whole family dynamic.  She said that any one of those things would be enough to cause stress and trauma, but all of them piled together is beyond overwhelming.  So I’m praying that she’ll be able to help me.

Honestly, I’m so angry right now with everything in the world…I mean literally EVERYTHING and everyone.  I’m so lonely for Hailey.  I want her back.  I want my old life back with my three beautiful girls.  I often feel jealous of people who get to have all their kids and watch them grow up.  I want to see her as the four and a half year old little girl she should be.  I want to watch her blonde curls blowing in the wind and hear her giggle and tell me that she loves me.  I want to help her write her name and learn her letters.  I want to hear her playing (and fighting) with her sisters.  I want to kiss her cheek at night while she’s sleeping.  I want to take her school shopping for her first day of Kindergarten.  I miss these things every single day, every single moment.

I feel like I’ve lost myself and my identity in a lot of ways.  I went from having three children home all day, to one being gone permanently, and the other (Lexi) in school until 5 almost everyday.  (She’s in private school and LOVES all the extra-curricular classes after school so she stays really late.)  When Hailey was here my mind was constantly stimulated and challenged.  I was so busy and felt so needed and important.  Now I’m home all day with one two-year old child, who takes 3 hour naps everyday.  That time is excruciatingly boring and lonely for me.  In some ways it would seem that I’m lucky because, honestly, my life is super easy right now.  I have two healthy children, one in school all day and one who naps for 3 hours…how difficult could that be?  But for me, it’s torture.

I feel lonely because no matter how much anyone tries to understand, they don’t.  Unless they’ve lost a child as well, there is no way to even come close to knowing what it does to a person.  (However, I have to say that I have many amazing people in my life who do their very darned best to understand as much as they can.  I couldn’t survive without them.)

I feel guilty, so freaking guilty for putting my husband and children through my ridiculous mood swings.  And also for pushing them away emotionally because I can’t even begin to stand the thought of losing another one of them, so instead I think I’m trying to protect myself.  I seriously love them so much I can’t even put it into words, yet I can’t enjoy them or that pure, unconditional love because of the immense fear I live with every single day that I’ll lose one of them too.

I struggle through every single day.  Getting up every morning is a huge effort, showering, interacting, even just breathing sometimes seriously takes all the effort I have. I’m so lonely, so lonely, yet I don’t want anyone around.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, hang out with anyone, be around anyone because that just entails even more effort on my part to appear normal and happy and functioning…it’s way too exhausting.  Every laugh, smile, conversation, positive thing I say, etc. is work and effort.

I have to say the only that that really keeps me going and semi-normal are my children.  Sean too, but he’s an adult and could probably handle me having a breakdown.  That may sound kind of funny, but I’m totally serious.  I just love my kids so much that I couldn’t imagine shaking their world with my emotions.  I could never imagine letting my sweet, happy, little seven year old even have a glimpse of what I’m truly feeling and going through.  So, I continue on…for her, almost all for her.  Maybe one day I’ll tell her how in her own innocent way she’s saved me, but for now, I think it’s a little too much.

I wish I could be the same person I was before Hailey passed away.  I was compassionate, caring, happy (usually), social, energetic, confident, etc., but in reality, I’m none of those things now.  I may even still appear to be the same, but I honestly don’t think I even have one of those qualities anymore.  I pretend to, but I don’t.  I still laugh and joke around a lot, but on the inside it’s a whole different story. Instead, I’m angry…at everything and everyone.  I’m angry at the world in general.  I’m moody, emotional, sad, grumpy, lonely, etc. 

I cannot even believe I’m actually opening myself up like this and sharing this with the world.  I have to admit that in some ways it is extremely terrifying, yet in others so liberating.  I worry about what it’s going to do to me if people don’t understand or just don’t get it or aren’t compassionate or even feel the need to judge me.  On the other hand, part of me doesn’t give a crap because this is who I am right now, this is me, like it or not, take it or leave it.  Although I now have a long way to go, after admitting all this and outing myself to the entire world, I feel free in so many ways.  I no longer have to live a lie and suppress my feelings, my grief, my anger, anything, and that’s kind of a relief.  But it’s also tough because I almost feel like I’m back at stage one again, wherever that is.  I’m on the verge of tears all the time, the pain is super fresh again and right at the surface, and I can barely even look at a picture of Hailey without breaking down.

One last thing I have to say is that my faith in God is still as strong as ever.  That has not wavered in any way, although, I’ll admit that there are times when I’m really angry with Him.  There are times when I want to scream at Him and ask Him why.  Why would He put his daughter (me) through something like this?  Why doesn’t He just give me a freaking break and take this pain and sorrow away…I’d be happy with just 5 minutes of relief. And yes, I do tell Him that (and more).  I tell Him I don’t want to pray or talk to Him because I’m so mad at Him.  But in reality, I know that there is no way I can do this without Him and His help and mercy.  I know that He is there and does ease my burden.  I wonder how, if this is so difficult while having Him in my life, it would be without Him.  Today after I had a good “sob-fest” I came down and flipped my daily scripture chart for the scripture of the day and it read, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.”  Psalm 55:22  (And what a burden I have to cast upon Him!)

 I know this has been very long and probably overwhelming to read, so imagine living it every second of every day.  I want to thank you all for taking the time to read it and share my grief with me.  Please don’t feel offended if I seem distant, but right now I’m going to need some serious down time. I have a LOT to deal with and work through and I need to do it on my own terms. 

A Boy!

Wow...I can't believe we're having a boy!  I have no idea what to do with that.  I've done girls...three of them to be exact, but a boy?  This will be quite interesting...and exciting!

It was so cool because the day Sean and I found out, I was driving home from the ultrasound, and I could literally feel Hailey sitting right next to me in the front seat just beaming away!  I'm still not sure if she was beaming out of excitement for this little bundle I believe she helped bring into the world, or if she was beaming at the thought of how funny it's going to be for her to watch me try to figure out what to do with a boy!  Either way, it's fine with me, I just loved the feeling of having her nearby to enjoy the experience with us.

I think that's one of the neat things about losing a loved one...I mean, if there really is anything neat about it.  But I feel so close to her all the time.  I feel like she's with me often.  I actually feel a lot closer to her now than I did when she was physically here.  For the first time in my life, I really feel that spiritual connection between this world and the world beyond and I know that it exists.  I think I'd give it up in a heartbeat to have her back, but I guess it will do for now.

Anyways, back to the boy thing.  I wanted to share a personal experience with you all.  Back when Sean and I were engaged I had a very vivid dream that we had a son.  He was about thirteen at the time and standing in my parents' kitchen telling them about how he wanted to go on a mission for our church when he turned nineteen.  I'm not sure why it struck me so strongly, but for some reason when I woke up I KNEW we were supposed to have a boy.  I even told Sean that we were going to have a boy one day.  And, I'm not one of those people who thinks every dream or experience in my life is a big spiritual message from God, but for some reason, this was different. 

Well we went on to have Lexi, then Hailey, then...Ava.  We knew we were done at three, so I was very taken aback when I found out Ava was a girl.  I think I even had the ultrasound lady check a couple times because I was so sure we were supposed to have a boy and yet I was even more sure we were DONE having kids!!!  I was kind of bummed that my dream turned out to be nothing, even though I had felt it so strongly for many years, but I also wasn't willing to feel it strong enough to have a fourth!!!  So I put it on the back burner, forgot about it, and loved having three girls.

Little did I know what God had in store for me, which is why I think He allowed me to forget about it for a while. He knew what was to come and that we would indeed have that little boy I dreamt about, even if I forgot about him for awhile.  I think on one hand He was laughing at the fact that I swore we were done having kids, blah, blah, blah...we love to think we can control God's plan for us!  Although, on the other hand He was probably also sad to know the circumstances that would actually bring us this boy I had the dream about. 

Fast forward a couple years...Hailey passes away, but for a year Sean and I still weren't emotionally ready to consider having another child and I still hadn't remembered the dream about having a boy.  Well, next thing we know, we decided that we might regret not having another baby down the road, but knew we would never regret having another one.  So, here I am...pregnant.  Sixteen weeks later, we go into the ultrasound and find out it's a boy!

Oh my gosh!  First off, I was glad to know that my spiritual sense was in tune and my dream really did mean something as I had originally thought.  I have to admit that it's definitely a bittersweet feeling to know that Hailey had to die for this little boy to be brought into the world, however I definitely don't believe that's the only reason she had to go.  I know there is much more to it than that. But, I do think it is a great blessing or gift for our sacrifice in her loss.

I definitely feel Hailey's hand in this pregnancy and know that she is up there with her little brother filling him in on all the ways to drive me crazy!  But more importantly, she'll be his own personal guardian angel when he gets here.  It's so crazy how life can turn out.  I mean, after having Ava we thought we were done having children and started moving on with our life...getting rid of all the baby stuff, etc.  It just blows me away that nine months after having Ava and thinking life was pretty good and moving forward in a great way, Hailey passes away unexpectedly, then a little over a year later we're pregnant and it's a boy.  It just goes to show you that God does have a plan and it's definitely not always our plan, but when all is said and done, if we just have faith, we'll quickly realize that He does know what's best for each of us and our lives.  Now, I'll be honest and admit that I'm still not exactly okay with the plan He's given us and I might even say I'd take my old life back in an instant, but I also know that this little boy is here for a reason and will bring us much joy that we would have never had in my original plan.

We decided to name him Joseph Hal, but we'll call him Joey!  Our original name was Joseph Daniel after my father and Sean's father, but Sean's older brother had a son named after Sean's dad, so since he already got his shout out, we decided to name our little guy after his own daddy!  (Hal is Sean's middle name and I like it because it has a little ring of Hailey to it too...giving him a connection to the big sister who helped bring him into this world!) 

I just had a comprehensive ultrasound on Monday to check for any anomalies similar to what Hailey had, but all looks perfect, so that is a huge relief.  (Hailey's condition was not hereditary, but just a total random thing that happened during fetal development.  And although my doctor told me many times that the odds of me having another child with TEF are the exact same as if I never had one with it, I still needed that peace of mind.)

So, there ya have it!!!  That's the current update on our new little angel coming into this world.  It has been emotionally bittersweet for me, but I already love this little guy so much and can't wait to see if he looks anything like our little Hailey!!!

Merry Christmas - It's a Boy!

I am happy to report that Christmas this year went much better than last year!  I'm not going to go as far as saying it was easy or my heart didn't ache like crazy, but it was actually bearable this time.  Partially because of our big announcement to my family: The little angel Hailey has sent us is a BOY!!!  (I'll give more details and my feelings on this little bundle of joy in my next post.)

As for Christmas, I think the anticipation was much, much worse than the actual day.  I just kept thinking of how ridiculously heart wrenching and excruciatingly painful last year was, which caused me to be terrified for this year.  I remember sleeping for 5 hours that day, while the rest of my family took care of my girls.  Then, that evening laying in a ball on my bathroom floor and crying so hard I got a bloody nose.  But, this year, now that all is said and done, I must say I'm a little proud of myself and how far I've come!  Yes, it hurt.  And yes, I wondered all day about Hailey and how she would have fit into the mix had she been here.  And yes, I missed her like absolute crazy.  But, no, not in a hopeless, depressing way.  Instead, I felt hopeful and a sense of peace in my heart for my little angel.

I decided to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, which is the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and what that really means for Hailey and my family.  Because of such a profound event, one like none other, Hailey and I will be back together again one day in total happiness.  Not to mention, that I'm sure her Christmas was much more "beau'ful" than I could even begin to imagine from here.  I know, literally without a shadow of a doubt, that she still lives and is happier in Heaven than she could ever be here on the Earth.  Not that it always makes it easy on me or that I'm completely okay with it, but that knowledge will do for now. 

Last night, on Christmas Eve, we brought down our life sized cardboard cutout of Hailey and sat it in a chair in our living room.  Of course, that may seem very weird, or even crazy, to some people, but it really brought a huge sense of peace to me. Last year, I couldn't even look at it of without being reduced to sobs, but this year it made me smile!  I honestly felt like she was right there with us, which I know she was.  And she will continue to sit with us every Christmas from now until we meet again!  I know that when the day comes that I'll get to see her and hold her in my arms, she'll remember every Christmas we had since she was gone, because she really never was gone!    

We still include Hailey in all of our family things.  For example, our yearly ornament exchange; every year we each pick a family member, in secret, and buy them an ornament representing something from that year.  Well, we do still include Hailey in that exchange, and always will.  I want her to have her own ornaments and continue to be represented on our tree, as we all are.  We also take whatever money we would have used to buy her Christmas gifts and donate it to our foundation in her honor.

Of course, we went to visit her today at her place and it was absolutely "beau'ful.  The cemetery couldn't have been more peaceful and beautifully decorated.  Not to mention, all the wonderful people who stopped by and dropped off little tokens and notes of love!  It made my day to think that others would take the time to remember her and us on such a special day.  I also found a dime there!!  As most of you know, we just got over having 5 straight days of torrential rains, which basically destroyed her place.  I still stopped by every day or two to clean up what I could, even though it was raining.  We always had 2 loose dimes, tails up, laying on her headstone that someone had left there while visiting.  Well, after the rains they were long gone and no where to be found.  I was there yesterday and dug all around her stone, cleaned up all the leaves, wiped all her little knickknacks off and polished her stone to perfection!  Then I left a huge bouquet of flowers and an adorable Santa and reindeer balloon.  Well, today when we came back to visit, I walked over to her stone and sure enough there was a dime, half buried in the dirt, by the upper corner of her stone.  She was there...I know it!

Anyways, thank you all so very much for your supportive words, emails, texts, phone calls, letters, and silent prayers.  Each one made an impression on my heart and helped me to have a "beau'ful" day!

Merry Christmas! 

Hailey with us on Christmas.

Hailey is sending us a little boy!

Hailey's Place decorated with love.

Merry Christmas Sweet Angel

Can you see the tiny dime in the upper right hand corner of her stone?

It looks like she's happy with her decorations! 

 (Her Christmas tree even has solar powered lights that come on at night!)

We miss you baby girl.

 

Lexi with her little sister.

Grammies and Grampies

Auntie Kim

My dime!!!!!

Feeling A Little Uneasy

Normally I would be asleep by now, but not tonight.  It's 12:01am to be exact, and my heart is full of longing for my little Hailey.  Christmas is only 3 days away and I'm missing her and aching for her more and more each day.  As much as I want to think this Christmas is going to be easier than last, I have to admit that I'm feeling very uneasy about it.  Every time I think of last year my stomach does somersaults and my heart aches.  It was definitely the most excruciating day of my entire life, aside from the actual day Hailey passed away. 


Although, I don't outwardly show it, I am still carrying a lot of pain and heartache with me every single second of every single day.  Having both girls home this past week and all next week leads me to constantly wonder where Hailey would have fit into the mix.  What would we all be doing together?  Would Hailey and Lexi actually be getting along and playing together, instead of Lexi playing by herself?  I was home with Hailey all day everyday for three years, which means that I face her loss all day, everyday now.  Sometimes its hardest when Lexi is at school and Ava is napping and its just me alone, yet other times its hardest when we're all together as a family and she's missing.


I'm trying so hard to stay positive and focus on the good things about this year.  Thanksgiving went very well, better than I had expected.  And the fact that we were just able to help five other families in need with donations given to us in Hailey's honor is definitely uplifting, not to mention, this new little baby on the way.  But, even those things don't come close to taking away that emptiness I feel inside for Hailey.  


Christmas shopping was very difficult for me.  As I made out lists of what to get the girls and then walked the aisles of the stores, I couldn't help but look around and wonder what Hailey would have wanted.  What would have brought her beautiful smile out on Christmas morning?  


I absolutely hate the fact that I have to spend another Christmas (the rest of my Christmases) without her here.  I absolutely hate the fact that I didn't get to see her sit on Santa's lap excitedly telling him what she wants.  I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to tuck her into her warm bed in her new p.j.'s on Christmas eve and kiss her little head as she is bouncing with anticipation for the following morning.  I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to watch her face light up as she races down the stairs on Christmas morning to open her presents.  And I absolutely hate the fact that I have to go visit my precious daughter at the cemetery on Christmas.


Gosh, I hate to be a downer so close to Christmas, but it's rough.  There's so much joy and excitement around during the holidays and I'm trying my best to take that in and remember all the things I still have to be grateful for.  I love my family so much and I am thrilled to be able to spend Christmas with them!  I still have two beautiful girls here and a new baby on the way!  And my husband is the most wonderful, supportive man I could ask for!  Plus, I still have so much support from all of you who continue to stand beside me and walk this journey with me.  Thank you for that.


Anyways, the anticipation and uneasiness of Christmas Eve and Day is practically killing me, so I just needed to get it off my chest.  I'm praying my little heart out that it will be a little easier than last year and I won't have another emotional breakdown like I did then.  But, I am nervous.  


The one thing that has given me just a little comfort here and there is a poem I posted last year around Christmas that I'll share in closing:

Christmas In Heaven

I see so many Christmas trees
around the world below.

 With tiny lights like Heaven's stars

reflecting on the snow.

 The sight is so spectacular!

Please wipe away that tear.

For I am spending Christmas,

with Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs, 

that people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,

with the Christmas choir here.

I have no words to tell you

the joy their voices bring.

 For it's beyond description

to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me.

I see pain in your heart.

And even though I'm far away,

we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me special one.

You know I hold you dear.

Be glad I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year!

I'm sending you a special gift

from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory

of my undying love.

Please don't forget "love" is the gift

more precious than all gold.

It was always most important

in the stories God has told.

Please love and treat each other

As God has said to do.

For I cannot count the blessings

or the love He's sent for you.

So have a Merry Christmas

and wipe away that tear.

Remember that I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year!

Five Hailey's Halos Given Out!!!

Well tonight we gave out 5 more "Hailey's Halos!"  What a beautiful way to start a Christmas week, that would otherwise be quite difficult.  First, before I tell you about the families, I want to extend a special thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have helped to make these opportunities possible.  We could never do this on our own.  It is all because of your generous donations, participation in Hailey's race, support, and prayers that we have been able to touch these peoples lives.  May God bless you and your families for your continued love and compassion in honor of our precious Hailey.

(I am going to keep the names of these families anonymous for their own privacy, however they have all agreed to share their stories and pictures on Hailey's Foundation website!  You can find the link on the right hand side of my blog.)

The first family we "haloed" has 4 children.  Their second child is a 5 year old little girl who found out 2 weeks after her 5th birthday that she had bone cancer in one of her legs.  Although the doctors ended up having to amputate her leg, she has been an amazing inspiration to her family.  Her spirit has not wavered and her mom even said that she's been trying to do cartwheels.  We happened to call at the perfect time because they currently have a leak in their house that desperately needs to be fixed, but they couldn't afford it due to medical expenses.  It was such an honor to be able to give them some money to help out and also acknowledge their faith and strength!  They were so grateful and will hopefully have a wonderful Christmas!

The second halo was given to a single mom who has a daughter with Trisomy 18.  Apparently, she was not supposed to survive past the age of 1, but is still living and thriving at the age of 5.  She was nominated by her daughter's paternal grandmother because her son (the father of the little girl) has chosen to walk away from the situation.  This grandmother continues to support her grandson and his mother in the best way she can, but unfortunately they are both dealing with some major financial struggles.  The mother was devastated that she couldn't afford to give her precious child a Christmas.  She was so thrilled and grateful to have received this Halo!!

The third family has a child who has many health struggles.  He was in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy for three hours a week until their insurance copay became beyond what they could afford.  This situation is one that's dear to my heart because Hailey was in 5 hours of therapy a week, which drastically changed her life and gave her the ability to do so many things she would have struggled with.  Unfortunately, this precious little boy hasn't been to therapy is several months now due to the financial strain it has put on the family.  They were so surprised and honored to have been nominated and chosen to receive a halo!

Next on our list was a little girl, age 2, with brain cancer.  Unfortunately, the type of cancer she has is wrapped around her brain stem, inoperable, and incurable.  The doctor told her family there was nothing more they could do and that they should go home and enjoy every moment with their little girl.  As her mother started researching the cancer online, she found a doctor in Texas that does alternative medicine and was able to cure several children of "incurable" cancer.  Of course, insurance didn't pay a dime of it, so the family pooled together everything they had and ventured forward in the journey.  As of now, their daughter is symptom free!!!  Their one dream is to take her to Disneyland, which they posted on their blog.  When we talked to the mother she was telling us how she just put the entire trip on her credit card and was going to deal with it later.  Well, later actually came sooner because we were able to help her pay that trip off and make her dream come true!! She just cried and thanked us over and over.   It was such a beautiful experience. 

Our last halo was to a family who had a son born 70 days early.  He was still in the NICU fighting for his life when they were nominated, but upon talking with the family we learned that he passed away a few days ago.  This was a tough call because the emotions were still so painful and raw.  They originally said they felt that they shouldn't accept the donation because their son was no longer here, but of course we insisted.  They were so touched and with tears flowing we were grateful to hopefully give them one tiny moment of joy this Christmas season.

The choice Sean and I made to start this foundation in Hailey's honor has been one of the best decisions we've ever made in our lives.  Although at times its painful, and I wish we never had to take this road, it has also been full of miracles, joys, and healing.  We are so blessed to have such supportive and compassionate people in our lives to help make this foundation a reality.  And again, I'll never say it enough, thank you so much to all of you!!!!

Hailey's Christmas Dress

Last night I went shopping with some of my girlfriends for our monthly "Girl's Night."  As we were browsing through the store I found the most adorable Christmas dress for Ava.  I debated buying it and then decided against it because I hate spending money on clothes that I know will only get worn once or twice, and realistically this dress was one of them.  So I put it back and continue browsing.  

Next thing I know I come across the same exact dress in Lexi's size.  This is rare because Lexi is seven and Ava is two so the style of clothes between those two ages aren't usually the same.  So then I started re-debating buying the dresses because Lexi, even at seven, loves to match Ava.  She's always trying to get me to dress Ava in the same or similar outfit as she's wearing that day.   Anyways, I considered it more (I know...a lot of thought over a dress!) and then thought of Hailey.

The Valentine's Day before Hailey died I looked EVERYWHERE for three matching dresses to get the girls' pictures in, but couldn't find anything.  Eventually I settled on three similar dresses and called it a day.  So I kind of felt that finding three adorable Christmas dresses in the exact sizes I needed for the three girls was almost like a sick joke.  I'll be honest, it hurt.  I didn't expect it to hurt so bad or affect me in such a harsh way, but it did.  I couldn't imagine only buying two of the dresses without one for Hailey, but on the other hand, why would I buy the one for Hailey since she's not here to wear it? I debated if it was crazy to even consider it.  Was I being ridiculous or in major denial?  Was it creepy?  Why did I even have to think about dumb stuff like this?  How unfair.

One of my favorite things in the world was taking pictures of my girls all together, so every time I take a picture of Lexi and Ava it stabs my heart...especially if they were matching.  I know it's something I'm going to have to figure out and accept because I have a lifetime of pictures without Hailey and I can't not take pictures of my other kids because she's not in them.  Anyways, it's just one of those stupid issues that come with losing a child that I'm just going to have to deal with...for the rest of my life.  :(

So, back to the dresses...I ended up buying all three.  I just couldn't bear to only buy two when I have three beautiful girls.  Now came the next debate...What do I do with Hailey's dress?  I was trying to think of a way I could incorporate it into the picture without it seeming too weird, but couldn't come up with anything.  

As I was discussing my ideas and options with my friends, one of them said, "Why don't you find a family in need who can't afford to buy their little girl a special Christmas dress?  Then you could donate it to them in Hailey's honor?"   Ding, Ding, Ding...Jackpot.  I loved the idea!!  This way a wonderful little girl can look "beau'ful, as Hailey would say, and as Hailey is, for Christmas!

So all that being said, or typed, I have no idea how or where to find this little girl.  I asked Hailey to help me and now I'm asking all of you for your help.  If you know of a deserving little girl, who's family cannot afford to buy her a "beau'ful" Christmas dress, please email me at the address on the top of my blog.  If I receive more than one request, I'll put the names in a hat and draw one.  I'm totally willing to send it wherever it needs to go, so it doesn't matter where you live.  The only thing I'm hoping is that the family would be willing to send me a picture of the little girl wearing it, so I can see her smile and think of Hailey, but that's not a requirement!


Wow...such a big fuss over buying a Christmas dress, huh?  But I'm hoping all the fuss will result in a special little girl looking "beau'ful" and having a special Christmas in honor of my little Hailey!

Here's the famous dress.  (It's a size 4)

P.S. I decided to dress Lexi and Ava in their dresses and take their picture at Hailey's Place so she can still be a part of it!

Thanksgiving Weekend and a Really Neat Dime Story

I know I'm a little late for a Thanksgiving post, but I've been meaning to get around to it, so here I am.  This year was quite uneventful (in a good way).  I have to say, that unlike Halloween, it was easier to get through this Thanksgiving than last year's.  I still have so much to be grateful for and I've learned to really focus on those things because you never know when one of them will be taken in an instant.  I've become so aware that no matter how bad life can be or seem, it can definitely always get worse.  So I'm trying to keep gratitude in my heart and enjoy my family the most because everything else is just material things.  I mean, don't get me wrong, they're nice to have, but most can be replaced...people, family, cannot...Ever.


We always go to a little town called Solvang, up near Santa Barbara, each year from the Friday to Sunday after Thanksgiving.  Last year was literally excruciating for me.  I wrote a post about it back then, but haven't gone back to read it.  Actually, I haven't gone back to read any of my posts yet because each and every memory and moment is still much too painful for me to relive...even the positive ones.  The emotions attached are still so strong.  I guess that's why this blog is good for me.  One day I'll be able to go back and relive this journey, but for now, I'm just getting through every "today."  


Anyways, back to Solvang.  Last year I remember walking through all the little shops reminiscing about Hailey and wondering what she would have been doing.  It had only been three months since she had passed away, so as you can imagine the emotions were still very fresh and raw.  It took all I had to keep from breaking down into hysterical sobs at each new Christmas song I heard.  Eventually the pain did become too great and I completely broke down.  I sat outside in the courtyard of our hotel and cried hysterically.  It was tough.  Just writing about the memory makes my eyes well with tears.  


But this year was different.  It was a little easier, which I hate to say or admit because in a lot of ways it scares me.  I'm so torn because I relish those days where the agony isn't so profound because the relief is much needed, but on the other hand, I dread them because I'm so afraid it means I might be "getting over it."  Of course, I'll NEVER get over it, but this is just uncharted territory that I'm not used to dealing with.


So, while in Solvang, of course, I was looking for my dime.  I kept begging Hailey to send me a dime so I knew she was there and was going to continue to join us every year, even if only to drop off that little token of love.  As I walked through the little streets and shops my eyes were crazily scanning the ground the entire time, but to no avail.  So I was pretty bummed, to say the least.  I was also a little worried that maybe she was forgetting about us.


Later in the evening, Sean, my sister, and I decided to check out an Indian Casino down the street.  (Thanks Mom and Dad for babysitting!)   I instantly perked up because I thought if there was anywhere I was bound to find a dime, it was in a casino.  Well, I quickly discovered that technology has also taken over the casino world and no machines took coins.  Seriously?  Not to mention, they had no dime slot machines, only pennies, nickels, and quarters.  Every machine only takes bills and whatever you win comes out in a receipt that you have to cash in...no more jingling of the coins as they all pour out.  My hopes were dashed.  But...knowing Hailey, I should have had a little more faith.  After about a half hour there, Kim went and found a quarter slot machine she wanted to play.  I sat down next to her to watch.  After about 5 minutes I happened to look down and see a white receipt in the bottom of the machine.  I asked her if it was hers and she said it wasn't and that she hadn't even notice it.  So, I picked it up hoping it was someone's million dollar winnings.  Well, it was way better than that!!!  It was for .10!!!  Yes, ten cents...a dime, if you will!  

I couldn't believe it!  What are the odds that we would happen to sit at the one quarter slot with a receipt for 10 cents left there?  My spirits soared and I was thrilled for the rest of the trip.  (Oh, and I didn't cash it in.  I had to keep the proof on that one.)


Way to be creative Hailey!  I love you baby girl.