I’m sitting here at Hailey’s Place right now looking down at
her beautiful little smile staring up at me.
Gosh, I miss her. Her birthday is
this Wednesday, July 20th.
She would be turning 10.
I hate the days leading up to her birthday. They are usually worse than the actual day
itself. I always try to tell myself not to focus on the actual day, but deep
down inside I feel like I have to do something special or profound as if to
prove to myself and everyone else that I haven’t forgotten. Of course I haven’t forgotten. In some ways I remember even more.
As time has moved forward, I feel that the wall of pain
around my mind and heart has thinned out a little and sometimes gives me quick,
slight glimpses back into those initial first days, weeks, months, and years
without Hailey. I try not to go back and think about that sheer pain, agony,
and heartache, but sometimes for some reason unknown even to me, I’ll allow
myself to go back to that day. I can
usually only handle the memory for a minute or so before my heart starts racing
and I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I sometimes have a random flashback of a
moment that will literally feel like someone socked me in the stomach and took
my breath away. It never ends. This is my life. I realized recently that I’m
living every parent’s worst nightmare.
Joey’s birthday was in June.
It was so fun watching him get super excited as he anticipated that day, especially his birthday party! The joy on his face as his friends showed up
and the even bigger smile as he opened all his presents and blew out the
candles on his cake was priceless.
Lexi’s birthday is in August. Just yesterday she asked me if we could
start talking about her party. She can’t wait to make her guest list and plan
all the details! She talked a mile a minute about all her ideas!
Ok, I’m crying now as I type this because where’s Hailey in
all this? Her birthday is Wednesday. I want to see her excited face in
anticipation of being 10. Double digits! I want to see her guest list in her
own handwriting. I want to go with her to pick out her cake and decorations. I want
to see the joy in her face as her friends arrive and sing to her and laugh
with her and watch her blow out her 10 candles. Instead, we’ll be having cake
at the cemetery and singing Happy Birthday to that adorable little picture on
her headstone.
It’s not fair. Life is not fair. I HATE July and August.
Every July I have to deal with the anticipation of one more birthday she won’t
be here for and then the very next month marks one more year that I’ve lived
here without her.
On that somewhat depressing, yet brutally honest note, I
have to say that I’m surviving. Not only am I surviving, but I’m thriving and
even happy. (As happy as I could possibly be without Hailey.) I laugh. I laugh
a lot. But, yes, there is pain behind that laughter. A pain and sadness that
will always be there, a sense of innocence forever lost. But, there is always wisdom and gratitude
behind that laughter. Gratitude for the
amazing blessings and miracles that have come from Hailey; gratitude for the
faith and spiritual growth I have gained since Hailey came into my life;
gratitude for the amazing family, friends, and strangers that have loved and
supported us; gratitude that I have other children to continue to bring me joy;
and most importantly, gratitude for a Heavenly Father who loves me and Hailey
so much that He will never let us be apart forever and for my Savior, Jesus
Christ, who made that possible.
As I sit here getting buzzed all around by flies, I’m going
to end. I don’t really have anything profound and new to say. Just thanks.
Thanks for loving my Hailey, and my family, and me.
Happy Birthday Hailey.
I love you baby girl.
