Solvang

Every year my family and I have a tradition of going to Solvang the Friday after Thanksgiving until Sunday.  Solvang is a little Dutch town up by Santa Barbara.  There's really not much to do there but browse through all the little shops and visit our favorite place, the Ostrich Farm!!!  We've been going for about 8 years now and only missed once, which was last year when Ava was born.  


This year definitely brought up emotions I wasn't quite ready for.  Thanksgiving was good.  My family is great and we ALWAYS have a blast together.  After dinner we walked around the canals by my parents' house to look at some of the houses that were already decorated.  Well, that was when my first tears were shed.  We came upon this house that had the ENTIRE front yard decorated.  No joke, you literally couldn't even see the house behind it.  I remembered walking by there last year with Hailey and there was a man standing outside who turned on a machine that blew snow.  She was in so much awe over it and went crazy!  It literally hit me like brick upside the head how hard this Christmas is really going to be without her.  She was at the perfect age for Christmas...still so innocent with no expectations and willing to take everything in to the fullest!  I could remember so clearly her face glowing, the lights sparkling in her big blue eyes and her huge, excited smile.  Honestly, it hurt.



The next day we left for Solvang.  The first night up there went great!  It was the next day that really hit me hard.  Sean took Lexi shopping for some one on one time, while Kim and I hung out for a bit.  The place is really decked out for Christmas...decorations, lights, music, even a chill in the air.  I could feel the sense of loss slowly creeping up on me.  I walked by this little girl throwing a tantrum outside a store.  Of course, her mom was getting really frustrated with her (as any mom would!) and an urge came over me, I just wanted to hug her.  I'd been through that same tantrum so many times before with Hailey and so frustrated just like that poor mom was.  And yes, I will admit that I would still be frustrated if it happened again!!  But that was the first time that I actually wanted to hear her scream and yell again.  I wanted to get frustrated with her.  I wanted to feel bad afterwards and give her a hug and wipe away her tears.  That's when the sense of loss suddenly hit me with full force.  I suddenly realized I was walking around, in and out of crowded shops, amongst hundreds of other people, and feeling more lonely than I ever thought possible.  It was literally like I was in a twilight zone and all those people weren't even real.


There were people everywhere, chatting, smiling, laughing, arguing with their children, and yet not one of them had any idea of the intense pain and loss I was carrying around in my heart.  I can't even count how many people I forced a smile back at, or said thank you to, or excuse me to, or whatever, but inside really wanting to scream at all them.  I wanted to tell them to stop all the music, stop telling me to have a Merry Christmas, stop smiling at me, stop looking at me... My baby girl was gone.  Yes, gone.  I wanted to yell and tell them the whole story - How much I loved her, how hard I'd worked to keep her alive and healthy, how cute and amazing she was, how I found her that day in her crib...and so on. I seriously couldn't bear another second of it.  The pain was so intense I wanted to crumple onto the ground and just wail.  My stomach was nauseous, my chest burned, my head pounded.  I ended up walking back to the hotel, literally using every ounce of strength I could possibly muster, not to break down before I got there.  Once there, I sat outside by fountain and let my tears flow as fast and hard as the waterfall I faced.  


As I later thought about it, I wondered if I was the only one walking those streets that day who felt this way.  Was I the only one who felt so lonely or carried such a burden?  Was I the only one who felt hopeful and optimistic one second and then the next wanted to curl up and die with my baby girl?  Was I the only one who could have literally broken down emotionally at any moment if someone had just looked at me wrong?  I'm assuming the answer to that is probably a resounding, "No."  Which then lead me to my next thought - Have I ever treated someone in a way that could have caused that emotional breakdown they were trying so hard to control?  Have I ever judged someone who may have seemed rude to me when I had no idea where they were coming from or what burden they were carrying on their shoulders?  Have I ever overlooked the pain in someone's eyes because I was too busy with my own life?  Yikes, I'd rather not answer that list of questions. 


I then prayed and told my Heavenly Father how sorry I was for all the times I may have judged someone's actions or not been as nice as I could have been.  I promised Him, Hailey, and myself that I would do my best from that point forward to be compassionate and understanding to everyone because I really DON'T know what burden that person is having to bear.  I begged that He would help to ease my pain so I could enjoy the rest of my time there with my family and as I looked up, Kim came walking around the corner.  I realized how grateful I am for her and the rest of my family.  She walked over and gave me a HUGE hug and I knew the Lord had answered my prayers. I seriously have been so blessed with the most amazing support system anyone could ever ask for. 



As we walked to dinner that night, I knew my mom could sense my pain at that very moment.  She put her arm around me and told me she loved me and was here for me.  I asked her how in the world I was going to be able to get up Christmas morning and act excited while watching Lexi open all her presents.  How was I going to pretend to enjoy one of the most special days of the year without one of the most special people in my world?  My mom, who is the strongest person I know, said, "You just will.  I know you can do it.  You'll find a way and do it for Lexi and then later you can go break down.  We'll be right there with you by your side."  She's so right.  I'm already starting to pray for that day.  I'm so grateful for my mom.  She's the best!



I think part of the reason this weekend was so tough on me is because it was a little too much Christmas all at once.  I was slowly easing myself into it by going to Target and hearing the Christmas music and seeing the decorations, but in Solvang it was already full blown Christmas.  It was overload!  Not to mention, I have tons of pictures and memories of Hailey up there with us.  


Now that I'm home and calmed down, I realize once again that I'm going to be okay.  My faith is still strong.  I still have my family and friends.  I still have a lot to be grateful for and I WILL focus on that.  Hailey would want nothing less.  This Christmas season will take on a whole new meaning for me.  Not that I didn't always remember that it was truly about the birth of Jesus Christ, but when you have kids, the present stuff does tend to take over.  This year we'll be spending a lot more time remembering our Savior and what His birth means for us and Hailey.  She is there with Him!  She gets to go to His birthday party!!!  And one day, I will personally  join in that celebration by my baby girl's side.  (I just hope they serve Lay's potato chips!)

Hailey's First Trip to Solvang

November 2006

Our Family!

It took a lot out of her!

Hailey's Second Trip to Solvang

November 2007

With Mommy!

Giggling with Grammies at the Ostrich Farm

My Little Tinkerbell!!!

For those of you who have been reading my blog since the start, you'll probably remember that we chose to carry a little monkey with us to represent Hailey.  Well, I've officially changed the symbol!!!!  We will now be representating our little Hailey with Tinkerbell.  Let me explain why.


First off, I'm not much of a Disney fan myself.  It's not that I don't like Disney, but honestly I don't really care much for it.  None of the characters have really made an impression on me, except for Tinkerbell.  I think fairies are so pure and adorable and I've always loved Tinkerbell...even more now!  Before Hailey passed away we watched the movie Tinkerbell and I was telling the girls that I would describe Heaven to look just like Pixie Hollow.  It was so gorgeous and magical!  


After Hailey passed away I saw a little figurine of Tinkerbell standing with her arms folded and a little scowl on her face.  It instantly reminded me of Hailey!!!  She did absolutely love life, but I need to be real here and say that she did scowl at me often!!!  Anyways, it struck me how much my little Hailey was just like Tinkerbell.  She had the blonde hair, big blue eyes, skinny little body, and total pixie attitude!!!  Now she also lives in Heaven, which is what I consider to be Pixie Hollow.  And I can totally see her flying her little wings from her little Pixie Hollow down here to the "Mainland" to spread her silver pixie dust (or dimes in my case)!!!


So that's the scoop.  Plus I do have to admit that I think Tinkerbell is much cuter than a monkey!!!  So now when you see a family picture with Tinkerbell in it, you'll know that's our little Hailey!

Happy Thanksgiving

Well today is Thanksgiving, one more holiday in the line of many that I'm spending without my sweet girl.  I still can't even believe it. Last Thanksgiving was one of the best days ever!  Sean's parents and grandparents were down visiting!  We had an amazing Thanksgiving!  Hailey was here! And...we brought Ava home from the hospital after she spent a week in the NICU for an infection in her blood!


Weird how life changes so fast.  Had someone told me last Thanksgiving day, what this one would hold, I would have thought they were absolutely crazy.  I guess that's one of those tender mercies of our Heavenly Father...He doesn't always allow us to see the future.  That's one of the many things I'm grateful for today.


It may sound weird, but I was sitting here this morning realizing how much I still have to be thankful for on this beautiful Thanksgiving day.  So here it is...my list:

• I'm thankful that I am Hailey's mom.
• I'm thankful that she was such a happy, little girl.
• I'm thankful that I got to spend 3 years with her.
• I'm thankful for my knowledge of Jesus Christ and the fact that because of Him I will one day be with Hailey again.
• I'm thankful that Hailey died peacefully.
• I'm thankful that Lexi wasn't here when I found her.
• I'm thankful that I spent an absolutely beautiful morning with her before she passed away.
• I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father and all the blessings He's given me throughout this trial.
• I'm thankful for my strength, morals, and values.
• I'm thankful for my family and how amazing they are.
• I'm thankful for such a wonderful and supportive husband who loves and takes care of his family.
• I'm thankful for Lexi and Ava who give me a reason to get up every morning and face the day.
• I'm thankful for Hailey's therapists and doctors who gave her the best quality of life she could have had.
• I'm thankful that I have a home in a great neighborhood with great neighbors.
• I'm thankful for my mom and dad who raised me to be the person that I am.
• I'm thankful for my sister, who is also my best friend, and all the support and encouragement she gives me.
• I'm thankful for friends who have stood by me and still give me the support and patience that I need during this time.  
• I'm thankful for The Hailey Mayz Foundation and all you who donated to help others.
• I'm thankful we were able to give our first donation to a needy family and help ease their burden.
• I'm thankful for warm naps and Diet Coke. :)
• I'm thankful for my church and the Gospel and the knowledge and hope that it gives me every single day.
• I'm thankful for each and every one of you who take the time to read my blog, pray for me and my family, and send me your thoughts, stories, support, and encouragement.

So as you can see, although I'm spending this holiday without my baby girl, I still have so much to be thankful for...I could have listed much more, but I didn't want to cut into anyone's turkey time!!!  Anyways, I know all of you can find at least one thing you're thankful for this Thanksgiving day and holiday season.  Please, focus on that and keep a prayer of thanksgiving in your heart and I promise your day will be uplifted!

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.  ~H.U. Westermayer  (I have no idea who that guy is, but I thought it was a good point!)

Our First Donation!!!!

I am so excited to announce that we have officially made our first donation from the Hailey Mayz Foundation!!!  First, before I tell you about it, I want to thank each and every one of you who generously donated your hard earned money to show your love and support of Hailey and our family.  We can assure you that every single penny will go to those who have children that desperately need it.


Now for the story...


A couple days ago Sean's mother emailed us asking if we had any extra blankets we could send to her for a family she knows that just had twins.  Apparently, the twins (boys) were born prematurely at 1 pound each.  They both survived and just came home from the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).  Unfortunately, they still have some medical needs and their parents are going through much financial hardship.  They needed help so much that they were willing to ask for donations of used blankets and clothing just to help keep the babies warm.  (They live in Pennsylvania.)



As soon as I read the email I could personally feel the burden and stress of these two parents.  Hailey was in the NICU for 9 1/2 weeks after being born and she was soooo tiny.  (She was the biggest one in there too, at 4lb. 3oz.!)  After all we've been through with Hailey, I've come to realize that often times it's much harder on the parents than the actual child.  Here these new parents are having to worry about their tiny, precious boys and all the medical needs they came home with; and as if that isn't enough, they are also carrying the burden of financially being able to provide for the "basics," to keep them safe and warm.


Well, Hailey spoke to me (not literally), but I just felt it.  So we decided to call them last night and donate $1000.00 to help them out with the medical expenses and necessities for their babies.  When we called to tell them the news, they weren't home at the time, but we spoke to the babies' grandmother.  She just started to sob and couldn't thank us enough.  She was telling us about how they need separate cribs for the babies due to the individual needs of each child, but couldn't afford an extra one.  


I seriously cannot even put into words how AWESOME it felt to be able to help lift the burden of such special people.  I told Sean that I wish we had millions to just hand out to the world because it felt so good!!!


The parents are going to send us a little history on the boys and some pictures when they get a few minutes of free time, which we will be posting on The Hailey Mayz Foundation website.  (The link is on the right hand side of this blog.)  I know that Hailey was smiling her little heart out when we gave out that gift in her name.  She would have been thrilled to help those two precious angels!  (She LOVED to help out!)


So again, I want to thank all of you who helped to make this donation possible and bring peace to a needy family!!!  We have also set up a link on the right hand side of our blog that anyone can donate to if ever feeling inclined.


With Much Thanksgiving,


Wendy and Sean


P.S. No matter what life is dealing you right now, please try to think of at least one thing you're thankful for this year...and try to help someone else in need.  It doesn't have to be monetary...it could just be a phone call, note, or hug.  The difference it will make not only to the receiver, but also to you, the giver, makes it so worth it! It's seriously the BEST feeling in the world!!!!

Tender Mercies

In my church we often talk about tender mercies of the Lord.  For those of you who aren't sure exactly what a "tender mercy" is, I'll explain real quick.  First let me give you a hint by saying that I know have $3.90 worth of tender mercies!!!  And that's only the dimes, if I add on all the other experiences I've had I could write for months!

Anyways, a tender mercy is a very personal and individualized blessing, strength, protection, assurance, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support, or spiritual gift that we receive from our Heavenly Father. I have to admit that at times I was skeptical of what some people called their tender mercies,  but now I kick myself for ever feeling that way.  I mean, who was I to ever doubt someone else's personal experience or faith?

Well now, since Hailey passed away, I don't just believe, but I KNOW that tender mercies are real and do exist.  We do have a Father who lives in Heaven, who is fully aware of us and our struggles, and who loves and blesses us more that we could even imagine.  I think the key is having the faith to believe that those special experiences or "signs" are NOT just coincidences, but blessings.  No one will ever, ever convince me that Hailey does not send me those dimes that I've found.  The reason I say this is because I literally ONLY have found them when I've needed them.

For example, yesterday was one of my hardest days yet.   I had a major emotional breakdown last night.  I mean, I was beyond hysterical. It was one of the first times I've cried in a couple weeks, so the floodgates were ready.  Reality is hitting big time and I'm struggling even more. I am so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING.  I mean dumb little things like deciding what shirt to wear exhausts me to the point that I almost need to lay down.  I'll explain more about that stuff another time because I want to stay focused on the topic of tender mercies.  So, when I went down and got my mail, I received a card from a family friend who has known me since I was born and has been the best of friends with my parents since way before that.  When I opened it, there were 9 dimes taped inside in the shape of a smiley face.  She had found them all one day in the lint trap of her dryer.  (Someone needs to clean out their pockets before doing the wash!! hee hee)  In the card she wrote, "I am hoping you get these on a day you're needing your "beau-ful" Hailey by your side."  Not to mention, they were all tails up...which is an inside thing, but significant to me.  Anyways, she lives in Boston and obviously had no idea when she mailed that card 4 days ago that the exact day I would receive it was one of the worst days I've had yet.  I'm sorry, but no one will convince me that that wasn't a tender mercy or blessing from the Lord.  That brought a huge smile through the tears.  I couldn't believe it!

Later that night, I went to run errands because I just had to get out of the house.  I sobbed so hard in the car that I almost had to pull over.  But as I was walking around I found 3 dimes in three different places!!!  I felt like my little girl knew how much I missed her and how much pain I was in so she decided to shower me with love.  A coincidence or a tender mercy???  You decide.

I have about a million amazing dime stories like that, so I wanted to share a different tender mercy experience I had, that I feel is very significant.  I have a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall that goes up the side of my stairs.  Every time I'd carry Hailey up the stairs I'd stop at the picture and say, "Jesus."  She always looked at it, but didn't really show too much interest.  After she passed away, I received the most beautiful letter from her nursery leader at church.  In her letter she told me that the Sunday before she passed away, Hailey went up to her and said, "Teacher, teacher..." and her teacher said, "Yes Hailey," to which Hailey replied, "Me know Jesus."  She had never said anything like that to me before!  A smile like you have never seen before sprung across my face!  I really was making a difference and teaching her by showing her that picture.  That brought such peace to my soul, especially since she passed away 2 days later.  I would have hated for Him to come to her and she had said, "Ummm, who the heck are you?"  Anyways, that letter is what I call another tender mercy from the Lord.  It was as if He was telling me that He was proud of me for teaching my little girl and that she would be okay because she knew Jesus!!!

So the next time you experience a neat little "coincidence" that is just what you needed at just the right time, instead of passing it off as a coincidence, try looking upward to heaven and saying a little prayer of thanks for the tender mercy that your Father in Heaven has given you.

I am struggling.  Life is getting tougher.  Reality is getting more real.  But my faith is still as strong as ever.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He knows exactly how I feel and what I'm going through.  I know that He is walking beside me step by step.  And I know that just as Hailey knows Him, He knows her and was waiting for her with open arms.  What I wouldn't give to be able to run into His arms, as she probably did, and give Him the hugest hug ever, as all my cares, pains, and worries melt away.  Hailey is one lucky, little angel.

Ending the topic of tender mercies, I always try to keep my new favorite quote in mind as I'm going through my darkest moments, "...it was then that I carried you."

Videos of Hailey

Sean downloaded some little clips of home videos we took of Hailey to YouTube if you're interested in seeing our little angel in action!  I haven't watched any of them yet because it's still much too painful for me, but Sean has watched them all and said they were really cute.

You can also subscribe to these videos so you'll be notified every time it's updated!

Hailey Videos

Thank you all again for your continued love and support.  If you've been reading, you'll know that as time goes on it seems to be getting a little harder, so hearing your comments really keeps me going!  I know eventually things will turn around and it will start getting a little easier, but I'm still waiting for that!!!

Reality

Well I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but I've been quite busy.  Last weekend I went to Florida for the weekend to visit some close family friends. It actually turned out to be a blast!  I've noticed that getting away from home is actually very comforting because I can pretend all is the same as it was before.  It's an escape from my new reality.  I guess that's why vacation is just that, vacation.  It's a time to escape from stresses, worries, etc.  However, coming home is always tough for me.  I missed my girls a ton, so that made it much easier, but walking through the door and not having Hailey there to run and greet me, yelling, "Mommy home," hits like a tons of bricks.


I think in some ways I'm starting to experience some post-traumatic stress syndrome.  For one, reality is now officially becoming exactly that...reality.  (If that makes any sense.)  The world's still turning, the sun's still burning and my heart's still yearning.  Hailey is still not here.  I find that there are times when reality hits me so hard I literally have trouble breathing.  My heart starts racing, my stomach feels sick, and I feel like I can't catch my breath.  Several times, I've literally had to kneel by my bedside and pray for the strength just to walk in to Ava's room and check on her while she's sleeping.  I'll feel my whole body grow weak as I'm about to turn the doorknob.  Every once in a while when I check on her, she'll be laying in a way similar to how I found Hailey and I start to panic and feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  She has been really congested the past few days, so the other day when I went to check on her she was laying with her mouth open so she could breathe.  I could hear her breathing so I knew she was okay, but I couldn't even go near her crib. I ran out of the room and begged my sister to go in an move her for me.  My heart was racing, my whole body started shaking, and flashbacks came pouring into my head.  I really hope and pray that eventually those feelings will lessen.  Honestly, I'm also thinking of seeking some counseling just for peace of mind.


Living without Hailey is a struggle for me during every little thing of every day.  I am the one who spent my entire days with Hailey, taking care of her, playing with her, laughing at her, watching her grow, and yes, I'll admit it, getting annoyed at her!!!  Everything I do used to include her.  All these activities happen at least once, if not several times a day.  Every single time I get Ava from her crib, I think of getting Hailey.  Every time I dress the girls, I see Hailey's clothes hanging in the closet.  Every time I feed the girls, Hailey's little table sits there empty.  (Lexi won't eat off of it anymore.)  Every time I get one of the girls a plate or cup, I go into the little cupboard that Hailey loved.  Every time I give Ava a bath, I see all the toys that were Hailey's favorite.  Every time I get in the car, I see the seat where Hailey sat. Every time I take Lexi to school and pick her up, I think of Hailey running off laughing and me yelling at her to come back.  Every time I drive anywhere, I drive by Hailey's old therapy building and hear her say, "There my thewapy is!!!"  Every time I drive by a yellow bus, I hear Hailey say, "Me ride lellow bus to school!"  Every time I breathe...


Many people I've talked to who have lost loved ones have told me that usually it's months 4-6 that seem to be the hardest.  In some ways, that's good to know so I'm prepared, but in others, it literally terrifies me.  Months 4-6 are not only right around the corner, but they are also the holidays.  I walked into a store the other day and heard Silent Night playing over the loud speaker.  Let me just say, that song has never affected me as it did in that moment.  My knees grew weak, my heart started to race, my breathing went shallow, and I started to feel lightheaded.  I wasn't prepared.  However, the good thing is that I did it.  Now, hopefully, the next time won't be as hard.


Although things have been getting a little harder in some ways...the Lord has been so merciful to me (and my family).  I literally feel Hailey with me all the time.  I know that He allows her to be here with us and send us our little signs and miracles.  There is no way anyone will even come close to convincing me that she doesn't visit us on a daily basis.  The little signs she sends are NOT a coincidence.  It is incredible and mind-blowing to me some of the little things that have happened at just the right moments.


I have to run now, but my next entry will be all about some of those miracles and signs that we've received.  Also, please, if you have a dime story or any other Hailey story, please email it to me!!!  I'm working on a little idea I have for a children's book called, A Sign of the Dimes...all about Hailey's dimes.  So if you've had a dime experience and feel like it's connected to Hailey...email it to me!!  I'd love to hear it!  It really picks me up and makes me smile.  If I ever do decide to share the stories, I won't use anyone's real name, (unless you ask me to!), so all your experiences will remain personal.  Thank you again for all your love and support.  And thank you even more for loving my little Hailey so much!

Water Bugs & Dragonflies

This is a cute story I found about explaining Death to Young Children
by: Doris Stickney

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs.  They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun.  For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond.


They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends.  Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.


"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another.  "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk.  Where do you suppose she is going?"


Up, up, up it went slowly.  Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight.  Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return.


"That's funny!" said one water bug to another.


"Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug.


"Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.


No one had an answer.  They were greatly puzzled.


Finally, one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together.  "I have an idea.  The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."


"We promise," they said solemnly.


One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk.  Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.


When he awoke, he looked about with surprise.  He couldn't believe what he saw!  A startling change had come to his old body.  His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail.  Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings.  The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body.  He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water.  He had become a dragonfly.


Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air.  He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere!


By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest.  Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond.  Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!  There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before.


Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."


Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down.  He hit the surface of the water and bounced away.  Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water.


"I can't return!" he said in dismay.  "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise.  I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies, too.  Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went."


And the dragonfly winged off happily into it wonderful new world of sun and air.


(I am so bummed because I found a huge dragonfly right at Hailey's place about a month ago and took a bunch of really close up pictures of it, but I think I accidentally deleted them.)  Bummer...

12-16-09:  I FOUND IT!!!  I was sure I deleted it and then randomly found it in another folder...