Wow it’s been a while! As my other kiddos get older, life
gets busier and I have less time to really stop and think and write. One thing that has not changed and never will
is the fact that I think of Hailey every single day, ALL the time, from the
moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. She’s on my mind just as much as
my children who are here. She is there during everything I do with her
siblings. When they eat breakfast I wonder what she would be eating and if she
would still have eating issues. When they get dressed I wonder what Hailey’s
“style” would be. When they leave for school I wonder if Hailey would be
bossing Ava around as they walked down then street. When I volunteer in their
classes or attend a school activity I wonder who Hailey’s teacher would be, what
kind of student she would be, and who she would play with. After school I
wonder what activities she would have wanted to be in. Would she be a dancer, a
gymnast, an artist, an athlete, or just a kiddo who liked to stay home? During
homework time, I wonder if she would gladly sit and do her homework or would
she be fighting with me about it. When
her siblings are fighting, I always wonder where she would be in the mix. Would
she be joining in (probably!) or sticking up for one of her siblings? Who would she fight with the most?
Those are just some of the things I think about everyday.
But there are also many other things mixed in there, like when I’m with friends
who have children her age and I wonder what she would be like and look like. Or
when we go to the river as a family and the kiddos are laughing and jumping off
the raft into the water and I think of how much she would have loved that. Or when her birthday comes along and I wonder
what kind of party she would have wanted and what kind of toys or books or
movies, etc. she would be into. Or at
church when I see the girls in her Primary class giggling together or talking
about their testimonies of the Gospel and I think about when Hailey said, “Me
know Jesus.”
There are so many things to wonder and there are many more
to come that I probably haven’t even considered yet. I hate it.
I hate having to wonder. Yet, I
continue to do so and sometimes wonder if it’s better that I don’t know because
maybe what I don’t know is better than what I do know. Maybe her health issues would have caused her
a much more difficult life than I imagine. I think as a mother we always
imagine the best life for our kiddos. We imagine they will be happy, healthy,
well adjusted, and successful; but honestly, I’m not sure that’s what Hailey’s
life would have been like. I don’t know if her eating issues or her scars from
surgery, etc. would have caused her to be made fun of at school. I don’t know
if she would have been constantly sick, as she always was in the beginning of
her life. I don’t know if she would have had severe brain damage if they had
been able to revive her after she choked. I just don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that she is happy where she is
now. She is not in any pain. She is aware of us and knows what we’re up to. She
watches over me (and her family and friends) by sending us dimes and Lay’s
trucks. I know she is very loved both here on Earth and there in Heaven. I know
she has made a huge impact for good on more people than I can count. I know
that her legacy is one she can be so proud of and one that she deserves after
all she went through in her short life. I know that being her mom has changed
me more for the better than I could have ever thought. I know that I am way more compassionate,
empathetic, caring, non-judgmental, and faithful than I’ve ever been
before. I know that I live my life to
make her proud. I know that she will always be as much a part of our family now
as if she were still physically here. I know how strong and how weak I am. I
know the most horrible pain any mother can feel and I know that I can survive
it.
I know that I miss her more everyday, if that’s even
possible. I know my life will never be the same or without heartache because
she’s not physically here. But, I also know that our Heavenly Father is aware
of my pain and heartache and I know that Jesus Christ felt all of it and
comforts me when I need it. I know that
I will be with her once again and in complete joy for eternity.