The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

This Is Christmas

2012-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year was a little tougher than last year, but not as tough as the year before. First of all, I cannot believe this is my third Christmas without Hailey here. I’m not sure why, but that realization really scares me. We missed Christmas with Hailey when she was three because she passed away in August, almost one month after her third birthday. I never got to see her when she was finally old enough to get excited about the all the lights, Santa, Elf on a Shelf, presents, etc. So as mentioned in my last blog, seeing Ava’s excitement as she experienced these things kept reminding me of what I missed out on with Hailey.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself and really focusing on the fact that Hailey wasn’t here until one night at my grief group. One of my great friends, who I’ll leave nameless for privacy, played a song that touched my heart like none other. It's called, This Is Christmas, by Chris Kutless. Almost instantly it changed my entire attitude towards Christmas and the fact that Hailey wasn’t physically here to celebrate with us. While listening to this song, the spirit spoke very strongly to my heart and made me realize that the reason I was missing Hailey so much is because I was only focusing on the secular part of Christmas…Santa, lights, the elf, presents…and not the true meaning of Christmas – Jesus Christ. It’s all because of that most perfect of all gifts ever given to any human being that I will be able to be with Hailey again one day. It’s because of the gift of Christ that my daughter still lives! It dawned on me that if I started focusing on that aspect of Christmas, the true reason for the holiday no matter what anyone else claims, there would really be no reason to feel sad. In fact, there would only be reason to feel hope and joy!

Now don’t get me wrong. I still missed her and thought of her being with us often, but it wasn’t that same ‘woe is me’ feeling. Below, I attached a link to the song, which is now my absolute FAVORITE Christmas (and maybe favorite song of all time). Please take a minute to listen to/watch it, even though Christmas is over. It’s kind of more pop/rock…not classical or a hymn. I’m not kidding when I say it gives me chills every time I hear it.

I am so grateful for the gift of my Savior and what that means for Hailey and me in the future. I honestly don’t know how I would have ever made it this far “without” her if I didn’t have the knowledge of being able to be "with" her again. From now on, I will be focusing primarily on the true reason for Christmas and putting everything else secondary.

(Scroll to the bottom for the song and lyrics.)

Some pictures of our family at Christmas:

At Hailey's Place.

(Me faking a smile, before the ever big life changing song!)

Our family on Christmas Day

(Me smiling so big, after the ever life changing song!)

Click here to listen & watch the song: This Is Christmas by Chris Kutless

(You can also read the lyrics while the song plays on the video connected to the link above...I copied them exactly as they are written there, but I encourage you to listen because the lyrics alone don't do the song justice.)

Do you find it hard to sleep tonight

Resting by the Christmas lights

Could there be something you forgot

Beyond the bows and mistletoe

The tree with presents wrapped below

There’s more to this than

you had ever thought.

Have we lost the reason

that we celebrate each year?

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

Remember how the story goes

God’s greatest gift was wrapped

in swaddling clothes

Beneath the star one

great and holy night

The shepherds heard the angels sing

And wise men brought

an offering

Peace on earth began in Bethlehem

Have we lost the reason that

we celebrate each year

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas

If the angels never sang,

glory to the new born King

What is Christmas without Christ

There’d be no

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

This is Christmas it’s all about a

Savior wrapped in a manger

This is Christmas because

of Jesus Christ.

This is Christmas because of

Christ, because of Christ.

The First Day of Primary

2012-01-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

Well I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, not because I don’t have a million things to write about, but more because I have to be in a certain frame of mind or emotional state to really express my feelings or experiences. I have to be inspired at the moment and have a quiet, uninterrupted place to sit down and really think about how I want to put what I’m feeling into words. Let’s just say, with a new baby, the holidays, sicknesses, etc., I haven’t had many of those moments lately. In some ways it’s a good thing because it means I’m keeping busy, but in others, not so good because it means things are piling up that I want to write about. I will say that I write the best blogs ever in my head while lying awake in the middle of the night! Unfortunately, I never have the energy to actually get up and write them and then by morning life starts again and the moment is over. So, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to really work on keeping up with my blog. For some ridiculous reason, I actually thought there would come a point when I wouldn’t have anything left to say. Who knows, maybe that is the case, but it’s definitely not yet…even after two and half years.

I had an experience today that caught me completely off guard and gave me a profound and somewhat scary realization. So I’ll start with that. Unfortunately that means I’m going to have to back track a little for my subsequent blogs, which I don’t like to do because the experience has already passed and the feelings aren’t as strong, but hopefully my New Year’s resolution will help me avoid that in the future.

Now, after that nice long introduction let tell you about today. In the LDS church when children turn three they enter a program called Primary. There is a junior primary for children ages 3-8 and senior primary for children ages 9-12. The children start their new classes at the beginning of each year. Also, once or twice a year the whole primary gets up in front of the congregation where they sing and give little talks and read scriptures. The singing part is the best…especially on Mother’s Day!

I remember having a really hard time the first day that Hailey was supposed to move up to Primary. She would have been with Lexi in junior primary for a couple years. Lexi LOVES being a big sister and couldn’t wait to have Hailey with her. (Although, I think it affected me way more than her.) Then came the first time they all got up and sang, which happened to be on Mother’s Day. What should have been a sweet, joyous experience was exactly the opposite for me. To say it was borderline excruciating would probably be an understatement. I had to stay because Lexi was up there and I needed to be there for her, but I think I had tears pouring down my cheeks the entire time as I watched what would have been Hailey’s class waving at their moms so proud and excited as they sang away. My heart just ached.

Well today was Ava’s first day of Primary. I was really excited for her, until I dropped her off. I walked out of the room and then peeked in the window to see her sitting right up front with her little class of 3-year olds. Then, all of a sudden, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks. I started having flashbacks of what should have been Hailey’s first day. I felt my stomach turn and my eyes start to burn with tears. Quickly, I made my way to the bathroom, stood in a stall, and kept telling myself to pull it together. After a few minutes, I walked out to find Sean standing there. I think he could sense my pain because he immediately offered to take me home and come back and get the kids later.

On the way home I was telling him how surprised I was at the unexpected emotions that came flooding up. As I watched my sweet little Ava sitting there I went from seeing the back of her head, to the back of Hailey’s head, to the back of her head, and so on…if that makes any sense. For some reason the past few months have been particularly hard for me. I feel like my grief is all fresh and new again, especially during the holidays. This Christmas was much harder than last Christmas. (That’s a whole other blog I’m going to write.) Anyways, that’s when my big, profound realization hit me. Ava is now Hailey’s age. Everything she is doing and experiencing is a reminder to me of what I’ve missed out on with Hailey...Christmas lights, Santa, Christmas morning, preschool, primary, the first time she gets up and sings at church, and so on.

I wasn’t prepared for this new found trial in my grief. I thought that as time went on it would continually get easier, so I was completely unprepared for how hard its been the last few months. It’s very rare that I cry in front of people, but there have been many times I’ve had to shove the pain way down deep lately so I wouldn’t break down. I couldn’t figure out why it was all so fresh again, until today.

So now I’m stuck with trying to figure out this whole new phase I’m going through and may possibly go through for a long time because from this point forward everything that Ava does and every milestone she marks will be one more I’ve missed with Hailey. My biggest concern is figuring out how to avoid allowing my sadness for Hailey to overcome my joy for Ava. I need to find a way to enjoy all those exciting things Ava will experience just as fully as if Hailey were still here. I love my children so much and the last thing I would ever want is to feel like I slighted one of them out of an amazing experience because I allowed my grief to take over. Not to mention, I know Hailey would hate that too. I guess that means I’m going to be spending a lot more time on my knees praying for strength.

We Can Live With God Again

2011-11-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

As I watched this video on a friend's Facebook page, I couldn't help but cry my eyes out. It is so beautiful.

We Can Live With God Again

Another Angel in Heaven

2011-11-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother died this morning. It's interesting the different perspective it brings when you already have someone so close to you there in Heaven. I have such faith and immense belief in the fact that when we "die" it's literally just our body that stops working. Actually, I don't just have faith, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that life goes on after we leave this Earth. That being said, I've been thinking all day about what my grandma is doing up there in Heaven.

It's so real to me that I imagine her as alive as if she were sitting in her apartment in Boston. Really the only difference is that I can't call and talk to her or visit her whenever I want. Unfortunately, that's kind of a big difference and even the faith and knowledge that I have doesn't take away my sadness to see her go. I'm really going to miss her.

I read a book called, The Message, right after Hailey died that gave me such peace and comfort in regards to where she is. It's written by a man named Lance Richardson who spent three months in a drug induced coma. During that time he left his body several times and visited the Spirit World. The book is his account of what it's like there and what he learned. Of course, not everyone will find this believable which is totally fine with me. I will say, though, that I believe it 100%. It follows exactly what my religious beliefs tell me is true, not to mention, that he gives several experiences that really can't be disputed. (For example, he went and watched his children in their classrooms and upon waking up from his coma he was able to describe exactly what they were wearing, where they sat, and what questions they asked.) That's enough for me to believe, and honestly, if for some reason I'm wrong it's okay with me because it gave me the comfort I needed in this lifetime!

Anyways, as I've been thinking of my Grandma and her reunion with her family members who have died before her - in particular, Hailey - I can't help but feel the joy in her soul to finally be out of her 94-year old body and free for the intense pain she's felt for so many years! I decided to look back through the book for some comfort and here is one passage that I read:

"I watched numerous people pass through that veil while I was there. It was most enjoyable. I witnessed an elderly woman whose family anticipated her arrival. They were jumping up and down excitedly, as if waiting for a loved one to come off an airplane. ... Upon seeing the group, the woman's expression turned to one of absolute splendor."

"The group began to walk away together. "They are going to where a family celebration has been planned," Randy explained." (Randy is Lance's cousin who passed away 20 years prior.)

I could quote this entire book! It is seriously one of the best and most exciting (if you will) books I have ever read in my lifetime! It gave me so much hope and peace when Hailey died. I highly recommend everyone check it out...even if you're not a believer, it's still very interesting.

Anyways, selfishly I wish my grandma were still here, as I also do Hailey, but unselfishly I think they are so lucky to be where they are. They are even more a part of our lives from there than if they were physically back here on Earth. I seriously look forward to the day when I get to go be with them again and check out that Spirit World, or Paradise, as we often call it.

My Grandma meeting Joey for the first time, a week before she died.

The aMAYZing Kids Clinic

2011-11-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

An aMAYZing thing happened last weekend...yes, the pun was intended!!! Before I go any further, I'm going to attach the two articles that were in the paper for you to review: (Make sure to click on the photos in the articles.)

‘Real Housewives' help raise $10K for pediatric clinic

Pediatric Clinic Fundraiser Nets Nearly $10K

Now, assuming you read the articles you already know what that aMAYZing thing was!! Our clinic is finally open! It has taken Sean and Hailey's therapists over a year of extremely hard work and dedication to get to this point, but it has paid off!! I am so proud of them!

I often go and volunteer on Wednesday's when my mother comes down to watch my kiddos. It is such a wonderful experience. I really wish I could work there full-time because I feel Hailey's spirit so strongly there. It is such an awesome place to be!!!

Since I'm only able to be there once a week, I haven't really seen any children be treated until just recently. A couple of weeks ago I sat in the office listening to the therapists work with these special kids and my eyes welled in tears over the sheer joy it brought to my heart. I remembered so vividly all the times I heard them say the exact same things to my sweet Hailey. It was such a beautiful thing. After listening for a little while, I couldn't help myself so I peeked around the corner and watched for a few minutes. It may sound odd, but it was so exciting to see the pride on the children's faces when they were successful at a task and heard, "Good Job! You did it!" I was right back there with Hailey all over again.

The thought of us being able to help other children and give them the same sense of pride and increased quality of life Hailey has is one of the most exciting things I've ever experienced in my entire lifetime! The therapists that worked with her, and now helped create aMAYZing Kids, are among the very best...not just at what they do, but at who they are. These woman love their job, along with the children they work with, and it shows every time they are with a child. I will be forever grateful and indebted to them for what they did for Hailey and even more so, for how much the loved and still love her.

I want to extend a special and heartfelt thank you to all those who have supported us in this venture. aMAYZing Kids would not be possible without all the volunteers and donations we have received. It is so overwhelming to me how much my daughter was and is loved!

I could have NEVER imagined, 2 years ago, that what I thought was a tragedy in the sudden death of my baby girl, would in fact become a huge triumph and blessing to so many. I know she is proud!

For more information on aMAYZing Kids, please check out our website at: http://www.amayzingkids.com

Pretend City

2011-10-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

The other day I took Ava to a place called Pretend City. For those of you who don’t live near me, it’s literally a mini city for children. It’s in a huge warehouse-like building and the inside is set up like small downtown. It has a house, garden, grocery store, doctor’s & dentist’s office, library, restaurant, bank, beach, police station, water area, construction area, art area, stage, and even roads with little cars the kids can drive around. Basically the kids just run around and pretend to be whatever they want to be. It’s a great place!

Anyways, while I was there watching Ava play in the restaurant area, pretending to be a waitress and bring me fake food, it struck me how much I have come to love pretending again, as an adult. I love to pretend that Hailey is still here, alive and well and growing up with her sisters and brother. When I’m with my kids, I often sit back and watch them wondering where Hailey would be in the mix and pretending that she’s up in her room playing or in the bathroom or on a play date, but wherever it may be I also pretend that she’ll be home that night for dinner.

I have found that I actually enjoy talking with people I don’t know, and that I’ll probably never see again, about my kids. When I do so, I just pretend that Hailey is still here and talk about her as she was and as I think she would be. For example, I met a lady sitting in the doctor’s office one day when I was with Ava and Joey. Of course, the inevitable question, “How many kids do you have,” was asked. I quickly answered 4, as I always do and always will. Then, like clockwork, she asked their ages. I know she was just trying to make small talk, but people have no idea how much that question stings when you’ve lost one of your children. It’s the worst. So, as always, I said, “8, 5, 2 ½, and 3 months.”

It took me so long, after Hailey died, to figure out how I was going to answer those questions because I knew that’s usually the first thing people ask when they see someone with a bunch of kids. After much thought and trying out of different responses, I decided from now on to answer just as I did.

Anyways, since I knew I would probably never see this lady again, I felt no need to inform her that my “5” year old isn’t actually five because she died when she was three. When that comes up, there’s always the awkward, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” and then silence, to which I end up comforting the person I’m talking to and trying to make them feel better by saying it’s okay, (when, in fact, it’s really not). So instead of going there I just started telling her about Lexi and how she’s in third grade and all about Hailey and what a great big sister she is to Ava and Joey (because I know she would be). I started to really enjoy pretending that Hailey was still here and talking about her as if she was now a happy, healthy five-year old in Kindergarten.

I don’t know if that’s considered lying or not and at first I worried about it because one thing I am definitely not is a liar, but then I realized that it’s not a lie at all because Hailey is still very much here and alive in spirit. And she is still the same strong, spunky, happy go-lucky, aMAYZing, little girl in spirit as she would be in body. So that’s my Pretend “City.”

Hailey's "First Day of Kindergarten"

2011-09-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

So today would have been Hailey’s first day of Kindergarten. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t think about it all day long. I went to bed last night thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I tucked her in. I woke up this morning thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I dropped her off. It really hurt.

I wonder what she would have worn, how we would have done her hair, what backpack she would have picked out, where she would have sat in her classroom, how she would write her name, and on and on and on. I longed for a picture of my two girls together on their first day of school, just like all those ones I see on Facebook. I ached to see them walking together, hand in hand, to their classrooms. (Okay, that one was a little bit of a stretch…I know Hailey would have refused to hold Lexi’s hand! But I still imagined it anyways.) I saw her running up to me after school with a huge smile on her face as I wrapped my arms around her and asked her how her day was. I could hear her chatting away telling me about all the exciting events of the day.

I know she would have absolutely LOVED school! I remember how much she would want to stay with Lexi when we would bring her to school. One day I was chatting with some friends as I was walking to my car after I dropped Lexi off . All of a sudden I realized Hailey was missing. I went frantically searching for her everywhere and after about 5 minutes found her sitting in Lexi’s classroom on the floor in the middle of all the kids. Lexi’s teacher (or the other kids for that matter) never even noticed her. I laugh every time I think of it because she just thought she was the cat’s meow!

Here's a picture of Hailey that day. She's wearing a green shirt and has a lollipop hanging out of her mouth. I just love her mischievous expression!

Anyways, I know as a mother we always want and assume the best for our children. Sometimes I wonder if Hailey’s life would have been as great as I had imagined it or if I was just in denial at how difficult her struggles would have truly been.

She was smaller than most of the children her age, although her personality was 10 times the size of the average 3 year old! But I know how cruel children can be at times (not because they intend to, but because they haven’t quite developed compassion and empathy yet). Would the other kids have made fun of her because she was smaller or because she had a lot of scars from all her surgeries or because she got really “phlegmy” when she would eat and even have to gag sometimes? Oh my gosh, that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a mother if one of my children were made fun of. Although, I will say that Hailey, even as small as she was, didn’t put up with nothin’ from no one. She would have taken those kids down in a heartbeat!

Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings today. I miss my little girl and hate the fact that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to wonder what she would be like. I want so badly for her to be here living a “normal” 5 year old life. I would give anything to see her and Lexi go to school together each day and grow up together and be best buds (and enemies) together. Even with faith and hope, life still can feel really unfair at times. I'm just grateful that I know she is right where she wants to be and probably couldn't be happier...even though I would very selfishly bring her back in a heartbeat.

Hailey's 2nd "Heavenly Birthday"

2011-09-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written, but this summer has been so busy! Not that I’ve forgotten Hailey or my blog…I actually have a whole list of things I need to write about to catch up, so I decided to finally get started.

Hailey’s 2^nd “Heavenly Birthday” was August 11^th and it actually turned out to be a nice day. It started off a little shaky because I couldn’t help but keep reminding myself that it’s been an entire 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days, 17,520 hours, 1,051,200 minutes, and 63,072,000 seconds since I last physically hugged, kissed, or heard my little girl laugh. But the good news is that I did really well at not reviewing the events of that horrible day over and over again in my head. I did think of it a couple times, but then reminded myself that Hailey would not want me remembering her in death, but only in life. Not to mention, that I knew it would do me absolutely no good. That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad I started my blog because I have it all written down so I don’t feel the need to continually review everything over and over and over again out of fear of forgetting. If I ever need to be reminded, I can go back and read what I’ve written…which, by the way, I still have not done out of pure terror at what difficult emotion it might bring back.

I did have a really cool experience that day, though, that I wanted to share with you all! That morning we went and had frozen yogurt at Hailey’s Place. I brought her a side of strawberries because every time we’d get frozen yogurt she would literally say about a hundred times, “Mommy, no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy…no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy.” So I would always get her two big sides of strawberries instead of yogurt. The weather could not have been more perfect and her place more serene. I felt like I was experiencing a little slice of Heaven while sitting there visiting her.

Later that evening my family and I went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings because they were having a fundraiser for Hailey’s Foundation. What better way to celebrate her life than by going to dinner and making money to help other children in her honor? As we were there I quietly asked her to send me a dime so I would know that she had a “beau’ful” day and was there with us. It was already about 7:00pm so I knew there weren’t many chances to find one, but I also had faith that she’d come through for me. I scanned the restaurant and the parking lot as we left but found nothing.

While at dinner, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her. It wasn’t a movie I was dying to see, but I thought it would be a good distraction. When we arrived at the theater it was around 8:30pm so the parking lot was packed. We decided to park a few rows away and walk instead of driving around for hours looking for a parking spot. She randomly picked a spot where there were no other cars and parked. I opened the door, stepped out and right at the tip of my foot was a dime shining in the light, tails up! Of all the spots we could have parked, we just happened upon the one with the dime right there! I couldn’t believe it!! My sweet Hailey heard me and was there. I can’t even describe the smile that put on my face and the joy in my heart.

After 2 years, she is still just as much here as when she first left us! I know she will always be nearby looking out for us and keeping in touch by sending her little tokens of love…a dime, tails up!

JOY

2011-08-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

As the two-year “anniversary” of Hailey’s death quickly approaches I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I’ve learned since she died. First off, I put the word anniversary in quotes because I hate using that term for a death. To me, an anniversary should be something celebrated…a joyous event, so I’ll do my best to celebrate that “beau’ful” little life she lived. Anyways, I’m not going to lie and say these past two years haven’t been the hardest, most excruciating years of my life because they absolutely have, but even so, I’m still here and moving forward everyday. Even more surprising is that I still feel peace and joy at times. This is because my precious child lives on and I know how proud she is of all the work we’re doing in her honor!

Over the past week as I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and how this trial has changed me. One of my big epiphanies was that I'm not taking full advantage of one the special “gifts” that Hailey has given me. I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my children, or my life for that matter. When Hailey first passed away I remember suddenly becoming so aware of the little things and how important they are. By little things I mean hearing my children laugh, seeing a beautiful butterfly, eating a yummy ice cream sundae, etc. I really started to appreciate and savor those moments and it was wonderful. Unfortunately, that appreciation didn’t last as long as I would have liked and I quickly fell back into being easily annoyed by the little things. In this case, by little things, I mean a spilled drink on the table, a messy playroom, a fussy child, some traffic on the freeway, and so on. Those “little things” that I once so appreciated were now overshadowed by the “little things” I began to find so darn annoying.

I've finally gotten sick of being annoyed and miserable all the time and decided to really pray about it. I mean, a real prayer. Like the get on my knees, pour my heart out, and beg the Lord for help kind of prayer. So I did just that and I’ve done just that every single day now for over a week. I told Him how much I just want to be happy. How badly I want to enjoy my husband and children. How I want to hear my children laugh and feel joy. How I want to see the sun shine and feel joy. How I just want to wake up in the morning and feel joy. And how willing I was to do whatever it would take to develop that feeling of joy.

The day after my first prayer I already started to feel it. One of the impressions that came upon me was to stop voicing all my complaints aloud but instead keep them to myself. And when those negative thoughts do creep in, argue with them, play devil’s advocate and see how true they really are (or aren’t!). Okay, WAY easier said than done!!! But I truly feel that as I work on this and speak positively my thoughts will eventually follow suit. My prayers aren’t usually answered this quickly or profoundly, but I think that God knows my desperation and pure intent.

Then, sure enough, on Sunday in church one of the lessons we had was completely on JOY!! I mean, could that have been any more perfect? It so inspired me! I know that God wants us so badly to be happy and feel joy, just as we want that for our own children. Of course it may not be possible every single day, but I think overall when we look back upon our life, He would want us to say we lived a happy, joyful life. So that has become my mission. And let me just say, it is a work in progress.

So, what does this all have to do with the two-year “anniversary” of Hailey’s death?

Well, another impression I had while praying was that one of the “gifts” Hailey gave me when she passed away was the freedom to enjoy her siblings. When she was here, almost all my time, efforts, and worries were focused on her, which they should have been. But that also left me little time to focus on her sisters. Luckily, they are both healthy, very happy, well adjusted kids so it didn’t seem to bother them much. But now I no longer have to worry about Hailey. I know where she is and that she is much better off than she ever was here. Does that make everything okay? Of course not! However, it should give me the peace of mind to be able to focus on my other girls and my new baby boy. I realized that I owe that to her. I owe it to her to take care of her siblings and enjoy them to the fullest. Yet I have done nothing of the sort.

I realized that I’m have become such a ridiculous control freak because losing Hailey made me feel so out of control. I waste so much time being stressed and anxious over trying to control every aspect of my life and everything around me. To be quite honest, it is so exhausting and extremely overwhelming. The ironic thing is that losing Hailey really should have taught me that I truly have no control over anything or anyone but myself and the way I behave. That’s a tough thing for me to swallow, but I’ve finally gotten to where I’m ready to give it up. I literally cannot do it anymore. I have wasted so much time stressing over everything being exactly as I think it should be that I’ve completely missed out on the pure joy of those little things.

So the past few days I have seriously worked really hard at letting go of that false sense of control and just enjoying what is. I am constantly reminding myself that those little things that I think are so annoying and frustrating will pass tomorrow and be completely forgotten. So why waste one second on them now? Not to mention that my little kiddos are not going to be so little for long. I don’t want to look back on their childhood wondering why I wasted it all away trying to be in control rather than just loving what is and enjoying who they are.

Today was the perfect test. I had all planned out in my mind how it would go, yet it went completely different and I totally embraced it. Ava wasn’t feeling well and actually slept until 11:30…yes, 11:30! That is completely unheard of and the “old” me would have been so annoyed that she missed preschool and I didn’t get to do the errands I was planning on. Instead, I reminded myself that my sweet little girl needed her rest and if my errands didn’t get done that morning, the world was not going to end. (Although, I’d probably be cool if it did!) I embraced the peace and quiet and actually relaxed. When she woke up, I took the girls out front on the driveway and pulled out this huge cardboard house Sean and I bought, a bunch of paints, paintbrushes, and markers and just let them go at it. (So not my style…too messy!) We had so much fun together!!! The three of us sat out there and painted, chatted, and giggled for several hours. And when Lexi asked me if she could paint her face (It was washable…I’m not that relaxed yet!) my initial reaction was to say “No way,” but instead I looked at her and said, “Absolutely!” So, of course, Ava followed along and they had a blast! And you know what? When we were all finished, I put them in the bath and washed it all away…and yes, the world was still spinning!

To some of you this may sound so trivial because you do things like this all the time with your kids, but for me, that would normally be very overwhelming due to the lack of control I would have felt over the mess. Today I learned that messes can be cleaned up, but precious moments lost cannot be retrieved. I think Hailey would have been very proud of the fun I had with her sisters!!!

So, in honor of Hailey’s 2^nd Heavenly birthday, my gift to her is to truly enjoy her siblings and the “worry free” life she left me. Of course, I would take all those worries she brought with her back in a heartbeat if it meant she were here, but since that’s not an option I’m going to do my very best to feel a little bit of JOY, in her honor, each and every day!

Here are some pictures to prove it!!!

(Seeing the joy in my girls' faces made it all worth it!)

Video from the aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser!

2011-08-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone-

Here is the video from the "entertainment" portion of our fundraiser last Saturday. It's about an hour long, so below is a list of what is featured. In parenthesis is the time frame you can find it on the video in case you don't have time to watch the entire thing. Drag the bar at the bottom of the video to get where you want to be. (For example: If you just want to watch the first musical number drag the bar to the 15 mark.) It's all really great though!!!

Click Below for the Video:
aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser

Featured:

Intro

Sean's Remarks

2 Musical #'s (@ 15 min)

(The second one was written by Sean's brother for Hailey while he was on the plane flying out here for her funeral...It's absolutely beautiful!)

Halo Recipient (@ 26 min)

This is a family who received a "Halo" from your generous donations.

Hailey's Therapists (@ 33 min)

These are the four therapists who worked with Hailey and who will be running the clinic!

Me (@ 42 min)

Yes, I said some stuff.

Grampies' Song (@ 47 min)

My dad decided to sing a quick impromptu song for Hailey.

2 Musical #'s (@ 50 min)

One written especially for Hailey after the dragonfly story I wrote on my blog - I explain it on the video. (50 min)
In My Daughter's Eyes...a song that I used and dedicated to Hailey in her first birthday video. (54 min)

Closing Remarks (@ 57 min)

I hope you enjoy it!

The aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser!

2011-08-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

Wow! People are so “aMAYZingly” good! Saturday night we had a fundraiser to help make our dream come true of opening the aMAYZing Kids therapy clinic in Hailey’s honor. It was an enormous success! I can’t even describe how overwhelmed I am by the amount of people who came out to support us!!! It was one of the most aMAYZing nights I’ve ever had! As Sean and I stood up and addressed the crowd (I’ll post video once we receive it) my heart literally swelled with gratitude for each and every face staring back at us. To be loved that much by so many people is indescribable.

The generosity of people, especially in tough economic times like these, is something that I am in complete awe of. I was telling my sister in the car on the way home that night how I felt somewhat embarrassed by the fact that I don't even know where to begin in properly thanking each and every person for their immense support. I am a person of many words, but sometimes there really are none. I guess all I can do is pay it forward and pray each night that the Lord will personally bless each and every person who has taken time out of their busy life to show their love, compassion, and support for us. It was an honor to be in the same room with so many wonderful people!

At the end of the night we ended up raising $20,000 to go toward the clinic!!! I’d have to say it was a HUGE success. We are so excited to have the opportunity to open such a special place. The whole point of this new clinic is to help underprivileged and/or under-insured children get the help they need to live as normal a life as possible. I was quite skeptical myself about putting Hailey into therapy when she had just turned one. She only had an hour a week and I wasn’t convinced that was going to do her any good. To be totally honest, as you all know I am, I only put her in it because it was free and gave me an hour break!!

Well let me just say, I am now a believer and huge advocate for these services. The therapists that worked with Hailey literally changed her life. Not only did she learn to do “simple” things that you and I take for granted (like step up onto a curb), but she gained such confidence in herself (almost too much at times!)!! Her quality of life would not have been near what it was without these amazing therapists in her life. This is why we are so passionate about making sure that other children get the services they also need. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a parent who has to watch their child struggle and deteriorate because they cannot afford therapy and honestly I didn’t realize what a reality that is for so many right now. Several “halos” we’ve given out were to families who needed help paying for therapy for their child.

All that being said, this is why we’re so excited about The aMAYZing Kids Clinic!!! To be able to help children get the services they need in Hailey’s honor is so exciting! Losing a loved one is the worst thing in the world, so if it’s possible to make some good come out of it that means everything. Opening this clinic has become Sean’s passion and he has worked hundreds of hours with Hailey’s therapists to achieve this dream. I wish I could take some of the credit for something so great, but I have to admit that it’s all them. They are a ridiculously amazing group of people and anyone who has the honor to work with them should consider themselves extremely lucky!

I think one of the most important and special things about the clinic is that it’s non-profit. Sean and I will never make a dime on this venture. It’s all about giving back and helping those in need! Losing Hailey has taught me how wonderful it feels to serve and give to others! It’s such an awesome feeling!

Hailey made Sean, myself, and her therapists very proud while she was here, so I hope that we are now able to make her just as proud!

Here are some pics from the event!

(I tried to stay away from posting pictures of the guests for privacy, but just for the record there were about 150 people in attendance!!)

Here you could purchase one of Hailey's hand prints and write a message to her. They will be made into a mural by a professional artist to go permanently on the wall in the clinic!

(If you're interested in buying a hand print for yourself, please email me at haileyshalo@yahoo.com. They are $5.00. I will mail it to you so you can write your message for the mural!)

We gave away a diamond ring that was donated!

(Oh, and there was Martinelli's Apple Cider for those non-champagne drinkers! Ha Ha!)

The equipment wall!

(Also, if you're interested in purchasing a piece of equipment for the clinic please email me at the above address and I can let you know what's available.)

Hailey's Table

This was full of photos and knick knacks that belonged to Hailey!

The 4 most aMAYZing therapists in the whole world!

Me showing off a custom made necklace in Hailey's honor. It's a halo of diamonds with white gold angel wings. The couple who won this in the auction later gave it to me as a gift!!! I am soooooo thrilled!!!

There were several musical numbers, most of which were written just for Hailey. (This is one of the therapist's daughter singing.)

The final song, In My Daughter's Eyes, really brought the tears flowing...

Some of our many sponsors...

We also have Ed Asner as an official sponsor too!!! Click on Ed's name below to view his public service announcement!!!

(For those of you "youngins" who don't know who Ed Asner is, one of his latest projects was the voice of the man in the movie Up!)

Ed Asner PSA

If you haven't already checked out the aMAYZing Kids website click on the following link: http://amayzingkids.com/

aMAYZing Kids!!!!

2011-07-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

As most of you already know after Hailey passed away we received a lot of money from family and friends showing their love and support. We felt that we didn't deserve it for ourselves and decided to use it to do something in Hailey's honor. The Hailey Mayz Foundation was born!

We have been able to give, what we call "Halos," to families who have a child in need and are struggling financially. It has been the most aMAYZing blessing for us and those we've helped. Now we've decided to take it a step further and are opening a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids!!!! Sean has worked for countless months and hours alongside some of Hailey's therapists to get this awesome place up and running! The doors officially open September 1st!

I'm putting all this out there now because many of you have been asking how you can help with the Clinic. TODAY ONLY - July 22nd Vivint is matching all donations made up to $50 per person. This is a great way to make that dollar stretch!

Here is the link (I think you need Facebook to donate), and thanks for your support!! http://www.vivint.com/givesbackproject/charity/2086

Click on the following link for more information on the clinic!!!!
http://amayzingkids.com/

Thank you so much for all your continued love and support!!!

Happy 5th Birthday Hailey

2011-07-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

Today would have been Hailey’s 5^th birthday. It’s 3:30pm right now as I’m typing this and I haven’t cried until now. I thought I was going to get through the day without tears, but as soon as I started typing the flood gates opened. It sucks because I want so badly to be happy, but I’m not at all. I get so angry at myself for not being able to snap out of my dumpy mood and just be grateful for all the wonderful blessings I still have. I'm also a little confused because I don't even really feel sad either, but instead very irritable and tired. It’s taking every ounce of physical strength I have to get through the day. If I could have it my way, I would literally stay in bed all day long, curl up in the fetal position, and sleep the entire day…partially because I’m so darn tired from having a new baby and partially because I’m emotionally and mentally drained.

It’s really hard to grieve when you have other children at home. I guess in some ways that’s a good thing because it keeps me from wallowing in misery or dwelling on the absence of Hailey, but then again some days that's exactly what I want to do and feel like I deserve to be able to do. On those days I get really frustrated and overwhelmed because I can’t be alone with my thoughts and grief. Today, for example, has been really rough because my kids don’t understand nor really care how I’m feeling or what I’m going through, which is normal for kids, I know. But Lexi has been following me around since I got up this morning, talking my ears off, wanting to bake and decorate a cake and plan a party and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… At least that’s how I feel.

On top of being completely exhausted and drained emotionally, mentally, and physically from grief, childbirth, and three kids home during the summer, I feel horrible that I just don’t have the energy to be as excited as Lexi is. I feel so guilty when I tell her I need some time alone or I get short with her because I just want to get through one complete thought without being interrupted. I would do anything to be able to let loose and enjoy the day and be excited to "celebrate" Hailey's birthday, but instead I feel horrible, like I’m walking around with a ton of bricks on my shoulders that I can’t seem to shrug off. Gosh, now I feel bad that this post is so negative, but I guess that’s just the reality of where I am right now.

On a more positive note, I went by Hailey’s Place today so we could decorate for her birthday. It's kind of a neat little tradition there that when a child has a birthday their family will decorate their stone, as well as leave little favors or cupcakes on the stones of the other children who's families they've met and gotten to know. So Lexi picked out some cute little party favors and confetti to leave at some of Hailey's "friends" stones as well! When we arrived and I saw that a bunch of people had already stopped by and left little notes, gifts, and flowers for Hailey my day was definitely brightened and it put a big smile on my face! Tonight I’m going to dinner with my family at one of Hailey’s favorite restaurants and then we’re all going to Hailey’s Place to sing Happy Birthday and have some cake, so that should be nice.

Oh, and this morning while driving Ava to school a Lay’s truck passed right in front of us, which made me think that Hailey is here with us today! I love her and miss her so much and I’m so grateful for my faith and the knowledge that I will get to be with her again one day! I honestly can’t wait until then! What a BEAU’FUL day that will be!

------------------------

Well I have to say that my day ended much better than it began! After writing the above bit I felt somewhat relieved…I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. Later we went out to dinner and then had dessert at Hailey’s Place. It was the most beautiful night ever. The weather was perfect.

I will admit that it was tough visiting her and thinking of what a 5 year old’s birthday should be like…definitely not like that. I shouldn’t be singing Happy Birthday to my daughter on her 5^th birthday at her gravesite. But then again, I realized that it’s not really for me to determine what any birthday should be like. I’m learning that the only way things should be or the only way they are “right” is exactly the way they are. Does that make sense? Things are the way they are because that’s exactly how they are supposed to be…otherwise they would be different. (Not that I always agree or am okay with that!) Anyways, that’s my deep thought for the day.

The Lord definitely blessed me today and I know that Hailey is the luckiest little girl to be able to celebrate her birthday with Him. How many kids can say they celebrated their 5^th birthday with Jesus and their Father in Heaven?

P.S. I forgot my camera when we went to visit Hailey, so these pictures are from my iPhone and not the best quality...but at least I've got something!!

So many people stopped by and left things!

Lexi wanted a princess theme because she thought that's what Hailey would be into if she were still here. We happened to find a gold princess crown that says, "Angel" on it! We also found confetti with Hailey's name!

Happy Birthday Hailey...We LOVE you!

New Baby, New Emotions

2011-07-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, but I do have a good excuse! As most of you already know, I just had a baby! Our little Joey will already be one month old on Monday. He’s been a wonderful, but chaotic addition to the family. I don’t know how I did it with 3 kids before because I feel like I’m trying to learn the ropes all over again.

It’s been wonderful having our little guy here and I often sit and stare at him wondering if Hailey is around. I’m guessing she is because someone once told me that the closer your loved ones (who have passed away) are the more you miss them, which must be true because I’m am missing Hailey now more than ever. I think when they’re close by it’s harder emotionally because you can subconsciously feel their presence but can’t physically see them or reach out and pull them to you in a big, huge hug. Does that make sense?

I have to admit that I wasn’t the least bit prepared for the emotions and vulnerability having a new baby would rekindle. I thought I was starting to heal from Hailey’s loss, but now I think I was fooling myself. This past month, since Joey’s been born, I feel like I did the first month after Hailey died. I’ve cried for her almost everyday and that wound in my heart is wide open again. I’m sure some of it has to do with all the hormonal stuff and the sheer exhaustion of having a new baby, but I’m not quite sure where the rest of it came from. All I know is that it’s been a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. I miss her so much. Looking at pictures of her, listening to music, hearing my girls laugh or cry, visiting her place, etc., etc., causes me to break down in tears. She is on my mind 24 hours a day.

It’s very hard to see Lexi and Ava loving their little brother so much and not having Hailey here to experience it too. Yes, I know she’s here spiritually. I know she’s probably around him all the time, which is great and all, but I want to see it. Hailey was so great with Ava when she was born! She just adored her and I want to see that with her little brother. It may sound odd, but sometimes I feel guilty that I have all my kids here with me except for her. I thought having Joey would make our family feel complete, which in some ways it does because he’s our last, but in other ways it feels so incomplete because Hailey’s not here. I think in some ways I felt better knowing that she had her little brother up there with her and now that he’s here with us I feel like I took him away from her. Now, I totally know that’s not really how it all works but my mind has an amazing way of making up great stories!

Anyways, I’m hoping that things will start to get easier again once life falls into a pattern of normalcy and we get used to our “new” little family. Although, this next few months are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster. Going back a couple months there have been some big events that have occurred that make missing Hailey that much harder: May - was Mother’s Day, June - Joey was born, July 20^th – would be Hailey’s 5^th birthday, August 11^th – is 2 years since Hailey died, September – Hailey would have been starting Kindergarten, and so on. That’s one of the worst things about grief…there’s always something. And unfortunately the anticipation of those days/events is often much worse than the actual day/event itself. I say unfortunately because the anticipation can start months before the day, whereas the actual day is over so quickly.

I’m really working on just living in the now and enjoying this new precious gift that Hailey has sent us. We do love our little guy! I can’t wait to see him grow up and tell him all about his big sister. He will know her just as well as the rest of us. (He probably already does!)

I’m going to try to stay caught up now, but it’s often hard to find time to write because it’s such an emotional thing for me to do so I need it to be quiet (which is very rare in my house right now!) and I need to be in the right frame of mind. By the end of the day, I’m so exhausted that I can’t handle the emotional side of writing, but I’m going to work on it because it’s a great release for me to get it all out.

Our first family photo after Joey was born!

My beautiful children

Joey's first visit with his big sister...

So Grateful...

2011-06-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today Sean surprised me with a day at the spa so I could relax before our new little guy arrives. As you could probably tell from the majority of my posts over the past few months I’ve been quite emotional lately, so this was a very much needed and exciting surprise! As I sat there in the quiet, peacefulness of the spa I felt like I was experiencing a little piece of Heaven and wondered if that is what its like for Hailey everyday. If it is anything like that, I have to admit that I can’t totally blame her for wanted to check out of this crazy place we call Earth!

Anyways, while I was getting my facial I started thinking about how great my life really is and how much I have to be grateful for. I mean, aside from losing Hailey, which is a HUGE negative thing, everything else in my life is pretty much wonderful. So as I laid there I started going through the list of things I was so grateful for and realizing how much I still take for granted and how life changing real gratitude can be.

Topping my list is definitely my faith. I was baptized into the LDS church 16 years ago and I have to admit that I still consider it the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I hate to think where I’d be today, after such a difficult trial as losing my child, without the incredible knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what it really means for little ol’ me. I am so grateful knowing that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us more than we could ever begin to imagine or comprehend. That’s why I don’t just call him "God," but also my Heavenly Father. He is so much more than just "God." He is a living being who created each and every one of us and knows us by name. That gives me so much comfort when it comes to Hailey. Seeing how much my father (here) loves me and what he does or would do for me and seeing the same in Sean for our children puts me at great ease with where Hailey is now. I know she’s with her true Father, the one who dwells in Heaven, who created her perfect little spirit and loves her more than I can imagine. I know she remembers Him and He is loving her and taking better care of her than anyone here on Earth could. She is truly home. I am so grateful to know that she’s in no way scared or lonely there. She was His daughter first and will always be His daughter (as well as mine in the flesh) and He would never take that away from me.

This leads me to my extreme gratitude for the knowledge of eternal families. It’s so wonderful and comforting to know that our Father in Heaven would never separate us from our family members. We will have the opportunity to be with Hailey forever when all is said and done and right now it’s just a waiting game until that day. But I know that He allows her to be around us all the time and He allows us to feel her spirit and the peace she brings with her. What an amazing blessing that is! Those tender moments when I feel her near keep me going every day.

Along these same lines is my gratitude for a Savior who has willingly gone through and felt every single thing each of us feel. Although He didn’t physically have every experience we’ve ever had here on the Earth (especially us women!) He did experience every single pain, heartache, and emotion that each of us have ever individually felt. This is what the atonement was all about and why He bled from every pore (That was probably when he was experiencing the pains of childbirth!) when in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is also why He is so non-judgmental of anyone and loves us all unconditionally for who we are, faults and all. I didn’t fully understand this until after Hailey died. There were several times when I felt more alone than I could ever have imagined possible, even with family and friends around me, and yet all of a sudden in those darkest moments I could feel Him! I could feel His love and compassion and pure understanding as His invisible arms wrapped around me and comforted me. I’m not sure I would have ever experienced something like that or had the ability to truly understand His love and compassion without the life changing, difficult experience of losing a child. So in some ways, I’m very grateful for that. I now actually understand what it means to have Him as my best friend.

I’m also so very grateful for such a wonderful family. My family is everything to me and I seriously got the best of the best! Starting with my amazing husband, whom I couldn’t be more grateful for. He is my eternal companion who I will be with forever…even after death (another thing I’m grateful for the knowledge of!). He has been my rock through this trial and I’m so grateful for his faith and commitment, which has helped us to keep our marriage strong and intact after such a horrible heartache. I am grateful for my beautiful children and this new little guy on his way (any darn day now!). I always hear people who are pregnant say they don’t care what gender the baby is as long as it’s healthy… and let me tell you, until you’ve had one that isn’t totally healthy you have no idea what that really means! I am so grateful that all my other children are so healthy and happy. They are such a joy and an even greater blessing to have.

On the other hand, having Hailey, who wasn’t totally healthy was an entirely different but just as big of a blessing. I couldn’t be more grateful to have had her in my life. Knowing that our Heavenly Father trusted me, of everyone else in the world, to be her mother and raise her for those 3 years she was here is such an honor! The lessons I learned from her are beyond words. She taught me so much about life, unconditional love, sacrifice, and faith. And now as I reflect on her and the “beau’ful” life she lived, I realize that she continues to teach me every single day. I am so grateful that the Lord allows her to be around me and send me signs and give me comfort when I need it.

I’m grateful for my parents and sister. My parents raised me as a God loving and respecting person and that knowledge is the best knowledge I believe any parent can give their child. It has made my life significantly easier and more blessed. My mother taught me so much about unselfishness and how to put others first, which I’m still not the best at, but which definitely helps me when it comes to taking care of and raising my children. She has given me more unconditional love and support that I could ever be worthy of. My father has been a rock to me as well. He was there beside me since the day Hailey was born, taking days off work to go with me to the hospital and visit, calling and texting me constant messages of love and encouragement, and always being able to make me laugh! And my sister has been the best friend I could ever ask for going through this. I am so grateful that she moved in with us for the first year and half that Hailey was gone. Her presence and help was priceless. She was always there as a shoulder to cry on or to watch the girls when I needed to get away for a bit or to encourage me when I was going through my days of sadness and anger. Even though she has since moved out, I am so grateful that she still lives so close and continues to support me in any way she can.

(My facial was 50 minutes long so I had a lot of gratitude to think about!)

I’m also so grateful for such wonderful extended family, wonderful in-laws, and friends. The love and support I’ve been given over the past 2 years, and still continue to receive on a daily basis is absolutely overwhelming (in a good way!). I never knew how much I was and am loved until this occurred and what a blessing that is. I am so grateful for the immense compassion and goodness of people. Every comment, message, text, hug, smile, thought, quote, prayer, etc, that comes my way is so appreciated and treasured. People are inherently so good and I am extremely grateful to have been able to experience that goodness firsthand.

I am grateful for how much I’ve learned and who I’ve become over the last couple years. I still have so very much to learn and so very far to go, but I’m grateful to be going through that “refiner’s fire” with the knowledge that I will one day come out on the other side a much, much better person than I was going in.

I still have so much more I could write that I’m grateful for…the beautiful place I live, my lovely home, my health, my therapist who has literally changed my life, manicures and pedicures, massages and facials, beautiful days, prayer, blessings, tender mercies from the Lord, the list goes on and on.

So even on my worst days, and there have been quite a few lately, I am still deep down grateful for the immense blessings in my life. Although losing Hailey is a trial that I wish I never had to go through in this lifetime or ever, I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who has made it as easy as possible for me. I’ve experienced His pure, infinite, unconditional love first hand. He has literally carried me or held my hand every single step of the way and still continues to do so. That’s why I LOVE that poem Footprints in the Sand…it is so true!

Wow…I need spa days more often!!! Maybe the Lord will see how great they are for me and bless me with at least one a month so I can keep up on all my gratitude!!!

My "Old" Family Blog

2011-06-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

So today I decided to go back and look at my “old” family blog to see what the scoop was with Ava’s birth. I can’t remember how early I was or anything, but it turns out I wrote a post about taking the girls for a walk hoping to induce my labor. I was exactly where I am with Joey...3 cm, 70% effaced, doctor saying it would be any day, doing all the same strenuous things I’m doing now, and very frustrated!! I had to laugh as I read that! Some things will never change…my impatience being one of them.

Anyways, after reading that post I got sucked into re-reading a lot of my other posts which emotionally rocked me to my core. I haven’t looked at it in a looooong time because of the pain I knew it would invoke, and I was right. Seeing all those innocent and fun posts with Hailey in them really hurt. I kept looking at the dates thinking, “Wow, and I had no idea I only had 2 weeks left with her…,” etc. All the posts that summer caused the same emotion and thoughts as I counted down the days in my head to when she died. We all looked so happy, especially Hailey. She truly enjoyed her last days here on Earth.

Eventually I got to the post I wrote on her 3^rd birthday, (http://wendyincali.blogspot.com/2009/07/happy-3rd-birthday-hailey.html), listing all she’d been through in her little life, how far she’d come, all her accomplishments, how proud we were of her and how much we loved her. Of course, I had no idea that we only had a month left with her. I’m not going to lie, that was tough to read. The irony of it all is just so unfair.

Gosh, I can’t even begin to put into words what I’d do to have my “old” life back, with Hailey in it. I didn’t realize, until reading that blog, how innocent and lucky I was. I had all my girls here with me with no idea what the future was about to bring. I want that back so badly. I want that pure, innocent happiness back…joy without any hidden heartache or heaviness behind it. I believe it’s so true that we really don’t know what we have until it’s gone.

I was looking at the pictures of Ava the day she was born and thinking of how joyous it all was. Seeing the pride in Lexi and Hailey’s face over their new little sister was beautiful. Looking at that first family picture of us all together in the hospital, a complete family photo, brought both joy and pain to my heart. I have to admit that I am very scared of how I’m going to feel when Joey is born and Hailey isn’t physically there with us to enjoy it. I know she’ll be there in spirit and experience everything with us, and I hate to admit it, but that’s just not good enough for me right now. I want her in our family picture. I want to see her face light up and her huge smile when she sees him and holds him for the first time.

Anyways, I’m sure part of my emotion and heavy heart has to do with my raging pregnancy hormones, but regardless, it’s still there and it hurts. I got a good cry out though and feel slightly better.

If you haven’t seen my “old” family blog and are interested in experiencing all Hailey’s fun life adventures, click on the attached link http://wendyincali.blogspot.com/. The last time I posted was exactly 2 days before Hailey died.

(The reason I write “old” family blog is because I haven’t updated it since Hailey died. I’m hoping to eventually gain the strength to continue it again one day, and if that happens I’ll let you all know.)

Daily Devotional

2011-05-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write and let you all know that I am feeling much better since my last blog post. It’s amazing how the Lord works when we need Him the most. I have a little book of daily devotionals that I read each day. The morning after writing that last entry, I opened my little book for a daily dose of inspiration. It is LDS (Mormon) based so the lady who’s quoted in the following was the president of the young women organization in our church.

Here is what I read:

“I know that our Heavenly Father keeps his promises. I, like you, have been sorely tried in a variety of ways. But this kind of seasoning teaches us that every burden on the back can become a gift in the hand.”

~Elaine Cannon, May 1982

Elaine Cannon, former Young Women’s general president, said: “One certainty of life is that each of us will meet some mighty test. This is part of the plan. Another thing that we can count on is that neither here nor hereafter are we suddenly going to emerge with qualities we haven’t developed or a pattern of living for which we have not prepared ourselves. Adversity is an important part of the preparation for at least three reasons. One, God knows whom he can trust and who, like Job, will stand firm and love him unconditionally. Second, adversity well handled can increase our understanding and compassion. And we will be more effective in helping others when we’ve had a few challenges of our own. We just may need to be an answer to somebody else’s prayer. And third, we draw closer to our Heavenly Father when we are in deep need…Attitude in adversity turns hopeless to hopeful.

That put so many things into perspective for me. Although it didn’t take away the pain of that incident at the pool, it did give it a sense of purpose and meaning. I am so very grateful for my faith. I honestly don’t know how I would get through this without it. Even through the pain and heartache, the blessings I’ve received are beyond what I could have imagined. My goal is to come out of this trial a much better person than I was going into it and knowing that my Heavenly Father is proud of me and the way I handled it.

Completely Blindsided...AGAIN

2011-05-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today started out wonderful…actually it was beautiful. Sean surprised me and decided to take the day off. My sister also took the day off and stopped by to hang out for a while. The weather was absolutely perfect, so we decided to do something fun with the kiddos. I was feeling great physically and emotionally.

I surprised Lexi when I picked her up from school and brought one of her friends home with us. The weather was in the 80’s so we decided to take the girls swimming for a while and wear them out. The pool is always bittersweet for me because Hailey absolutely LOVED swimming. She had just finished her swimming lessons about a month before she passed away (I still have her little award on my fridge.) so she had developed great confidence in the water. The night before she passed away we had a big neighborhood barbecue at the pool and she stayed to shut the place down! (That was why I thought she was so tired the following day and “sleeping” so long.)

Anyways, a few of our neighbors were also swimming and one had brought his CD player. As I sat by the pool, listening to the Beach Boys blasting and watching Sean and the girls swim I felt really good and relaxed. I guess I shouldn’t have gotten too comfortable because I was about to be completely blindsided.

For whatever reason, he changed the CD to country music. I’m a huge country music fan, however, as most of you know it can be a little depressing at times. I had never heard the song that came on before so it was even more shocking and emotional for me. It’s called “Who You’d Be Today,” by Kenny Chesney. At first I thought he was singing about his wife, but after a few seconds I realized nope, I was wrong…it was about his child. My stomach dropped and my chest went into a huge knot as I sat there completely frozen and listened to the following lyrics:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:) 

It ain't fair you died to young 

Like a story that had just begun 

But death tore the pages all away 

God knows how I miss you 

All the hell that I've been through 

Just knowing, no one could take your place 

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world 

Would you chase your dreams 

Settle down with a family 

I wonder what would you’d name your babies 

Someday's the sky's so blue 

I feel like I can talk to you 

And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young 

Like a story that had just begun 

But death tore the pages all away 

God knows how I miss you 

All the hell that I've been through 

Just knowing, no one could take your place 

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today… 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most 

I wear the pain like a heavy coat 

The only thing that gives me hope 

Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

I mean…seriously??? Really??? Are you kidding me???

It took a lot out of me to keep my emotions in check. Although my eyes welled in tears I did a really good job of holding them back and trying to focus on anything else…the crack in the cement, the lawn chair, the sound of a lawn mower in the background, a poopy diaper…anything but those words and the intense heartache they were stirring inside of me.

After a couple other random songs the Beach Boys were back on and, although I was still a little emotional and shaken up, I was able to get past it and start to “re-enjoy” hanging out with my girls and husband. About an hour later, Sean left to take Ava home and I stayed with Lexi and her friend for a little longer. I had mostly recovered from and somewhat “forgotten” the song, until…yes, it came on again. This time, it was all over. There was no controlling anything. I seriously couldn’t believe I was going to have to sit through this and listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN. I felt like a gazelle in the middle of a pack of lions with no way out. It was fight or flight and I was completely unable to do either.

The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of all these people, but there was almost no other option. That’s when the hurt and pain turned into pure anger and rage. Suddenly I became FURIOUS. My whole body started boiling.

I was furious that I have to go through something like this in my life. I was furious at the ignorance of everyone around me to such a heart wrenching song. I was furious that I had to sit there all alone in my heartache and pain. I was furious at how real those lyrics were to me. I was furious that I had to deal with this on what was supposed to be a beautiful, fun day. I was furious that I didn’t have the strength to scream for someone to turn it off. I was furious that the hurt was so raw. I was furious that I had nowhere to escape to. I could go on and on and on…

Finally after a few moments, I jumped up and yelled to Lexi that it was time to go. I felt horrible that I had to cut their time short because of some stupid song, but I physically and emotionally could not bear to hear one more second of it. I had to use that moment of strength to get the heck out of there. As we left the pool area I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. My heart was racing, my mind even faster. I couldn’t believe all this was happening from a song…one freaking song.

My “beau’ful” day was gone.

Once I got home and was able to be alone for a few minutes the emotions surfaced and ran down my cheeks. I still had to hold back as much as possible because I couldn’t bear the thought of Lexi catching even a glimpse of the sheer pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to ruin one second of the fun she was having with her friend by giving her a reason to worry or feel sad for me. So I opened the dam just a tiny crack, let a little of the waterworks out, and closed it back up again.

I wasn’t even able write about this yesterday when it happened because I was very shaken up all night. Even today, the next morning, I’m still quite emotional about it. Now, I’m trying to figure out how I’m ever going to go to the pool again…especially if there’s even a slight chance that song someone will play that song.

I think that’s one of the worst things about grieving. It’s seriously so lonely, especially when people don’t know what you’re going through or seem to forget. The guy who played that song is one of the nicest guys around and would probably be devastated to know what playing that song did to me. But, just because my heartache isn’t visible on the outside or I’m not physically crying all the time does not mean for a second that I’m not hurting or that Hailey isn’t right there in the front of my mind. It's tough because I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or feeling sorry for me or afraid to say anything around me, but I think it's so important to just be aware of the things we say or do. Sometimes we know full well what someone around us is going through, but most often, we don't. Yes, there are times I feel strong and even “happy,” but even in those moments it only takes the smallest thing to bring everything flooding back in again.

I really try to enjoy every moment that I feel strong and/or happy because I never know when that low point is going to hit again. I guess that’s one good thing I’m learning through this process: Enjoy the good times to the fullest and live in the NOW (the RIGHT NOW) because that’s really all we have. The past is already gone and the future hasn’t happened yet.

Although I still have a long way to go before I master that concept, I slowly see it making an appearance in my life and hope that one day I can live that to the fullest.

Some photos of Hailey swimming:

At her second birthday party with Grammies & Grampies

Enjoying swimming lessons

Proud Mommy

Hailey's award, still on my fridge

Swimming on the 4th of July with her Daddy & sisters

Who You'd Be Today...

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you’re gone

(Chorus:) 

It ain't fair you died to young 

Like a story that had just begun 

But death tore the pages all away 

God knows how I miss you 

All the hell that I've been through 

Just knowing, no one could take your place 

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world 

Would you chase your dreams 

Settle down with a family 

I wonder what would you’d name your babies 

Someday's the sky's so blue 

I feel like I can talk to you 

And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young 

Like a story that had just begun 

But death tore the pages all away 

God knows how I miss you 

All the hell that I've been through 

Just knowing, no one could take your place 

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today, today, today… 

Sunny days seem to hurt the most 

I wear the pain like a heavy coat 

The only thing that gives me hope 

Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

Not Quite Prepared

2011-05-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

This week reminded me quite a few times how weak and raw I still am over Hailey's death. I HATE that about grief. As soon as you think you're on the upswing and stronger than ever... BAM! ...it slaps you upside the face, punches you in the stomach, and reminds you that all is still not even close to okay. The constant roller coaster is horrible and scary because deep down inside I know that on those "up" days there's a crest somewhere ahead I'm going hit and slowly go over just to come speeding down a huge hill into the valley below. This week was one of those times when the valley below felt very deep.

Last Wednesday, after a wonderful morning with my mom and Ava, I put Ava down for her nap and for some unknown reason decided to go back and read of couple of the first entries I had written in my blog. As I have mentioned before, I have never gone back and read any of my previous entries because of the pain and memories associated with each one. So I was a little hesitant and shaky as I started the first one, but continued on. By the time I was done with the second one, I was becoming quite emotional so I stopped for a few minutes and started watching the slide show of pictures. After about 10 pictures I had tears pouring down my face and sobs in my chest. I couldn't believe how much strong, raw emotion I still had deep down inside. Seeing Hailey's little smiling face, so happy, especially in my arms or with Lexi just ripped my heart out. I missed her so much and ached for those days back. I decided to stop there and try again some other time.

The funny thing is, those first two entries didn't really even talk about Hailey's death. The first one was more of an introduction as to why I started writing this blog and the second one was an explanation of my religious beliefs regarding where Hailey is. I can't imagine how I would have handled continuing on to read the next entry entitled, "That Fateful Day." As for the pictures, I've seen them all a bunch of times, so I wasn't quite prepared for how strongly they would affect me, but I guess once those emotions are unleashed, anything Hailey related is quite painful.

That experience really caught me off guard as to how weak I still am and how much Hailey's loss still hurts. I don't cry very often anymore. I thought I was getting used to my "new life" without her here, so I guess I just started to believe that I was in some way "getting over" the sting of her death. I put that in quotation marks because I'll never truly get over her death, but I'm hoping one day the intense shock and pain will wear off a little.

The next day, while Ava was in preschool, I decided to go visit Hailey for a while. When I pulled in I noticed that two rows behind Hailey's spot (which is only about 20 feet) there was a setup for a grave side service. Hailey is buried on what's referred to as "Baby Hill," where it's all children and infants, so I shouldn't have been too shocked when there on a table was the smallest casket I had ever seen, probably only half the size of Hailey's. This didn't sit well with me for two reasons, 1.) I've been there and it's the worst thing in the entire world, and 2.) I'm about to have a baby that would fit perfectly in that little box.

After a brief moment of hesitation, I decided to continue on and sit with Hailey since no one had arrived yet. As I was polishing her stone and all the knickknacks around it, a lady and two men showed up. I'm not sure who they were, but of course I kept to myself and tried to give them some privacy. However, I could feel the emotion and compassion for them swelling in my chest. All of sudden, one of the men started strumming on a guitar and quietly practicing the song he was going to sing during the service. In between his singing, I could hear the sobs of the woman behind me, which then caused me to lose it too. Memories of "that" day came rushing back to me and I wanted so badly to get up and run over to that woman and hug her as tight as possible and tell her how truly sorry I was and how unfair I know it all is. I let my tears fall and whispered to Hailey to watch over that new little baby laying by her and then quietly got up and left. Once in the car I was pretty shaken up and it took me a little while to pull myself together and continue on with my day. Once again, I wasn't quite prepared for how intensely that experience would affect me.

Then, just yesterday (Friday) while Ava was napping, I decided to reorganize the desk in my room. I came across a few DVD's that weren't labeled, so wondering what they were I popped one into my computer. It turned out to be all the pictures from Hailey's funeral. Sean's cousin took a lot of pictures that day, which I am very grateful to have. She did such an amazing, dignified job. I glanced at a few and then quickly ejected it.

The next DVD happened to be the video of all the photos of Hailey's precious little life put to music that Sean's brother and his wife made for the funeral. After the first few seconds of music and a couple pictures, that DVD was quickly ejected as well. So why in the world I decided to put the third one in is beyond me, but I did anyways.

Next thing I know I'm watching the men on the stand at church rise to their feet as Hailey's tiny white casket, covered with flowers is pushed across the aisle. Behind her I see Sean and me walking, as I clutched her blanket and the outfit she had on the day she died. That was all it took for me to completely break down and lose it. I knew I wasn't prepared to watch her funeral, but it was like I was frozen in time and couldn't help but just stare at the screen. My heart raced. My stomach turned. My chest filled with sobs. The tears came pouring down my cheeks. With an unsteady, shaking hand, I was able to finally push the stop button and give myself some reprieve.

That was by far the worst moment of unpreparedness I think I've ever experienced. It took me quite a while to recover from that and regain some sense of composure. I was shocked at how much I'd "forgotten" about that day and the excruciating pain that went along with it...but it only took 2o seconds of watching to bring it all back to the surface again.

Three times in three days I was blindsided with vivid and/or unexpected events that shook me to my core. It was actually quite humbling to realize how truly weak I still am and how much pain I still feel at the loss of my little girl. But, as strange as it may sound, I found it all slightly comforting. As much as I want the pain and grief to go away, it reminds me that I still, and always will, love and miss my baby girl to my very core.

These emotional moments definitely get fewer and farther between. They begin to be replaced by good, happy memories of Hailey and even by new experiences with her. (Like the special dimes I find that I know are from her.) I will NEVER get over it or move on...but, I hope one day I'll have the strength to be able to sit down and watch the video of her funeral (or memorial, as I like to call it) with a feeling of peace and pride at the amount of love and compassion she brought into that one room, all in her honor.

A Neat Experience

2011-05-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Last Friday my sister, mother, and Lexi threw a baby shower for me. Although I was really excited, I was also feeling a little apprehensive all day. As much as I'm excited for this new little bundle of joy, I'm also reminded that Hailey isn't here to be a part of it. Any time there's any type of "celebratory" event or holiday I always feel a bit of sadness and grief for that empty spot that belongs to Hailey. I want to see her laughing and smiling with us. I miss the excitement and joy in her eyes and face. I hate that she's not in any of the pictures (except the ones taken at her place). As great and fun as those days are, they'll never be the same again.

Before the shower, my sister and I ran to the store to pick up some last minute supplies. I also bought a bouquet of flowers to leave at Hailey's Place. While checking out, I happened to look down for a split second and right there next to my shoe was a dime, tails up!

Later on, as everyone was at the clubhouse setting up for the shower, I stayed home by myself and started skewering fruit. Since I was sitting alone and it was really quiet, something I don't experience often, I was starting to get lonely. When I feel lonely, the thoughts of Hailey and how much I miss her quickly come flooding into my mind. So, needless to say, I was starting to get a little down and miss her like crazy.

Well I didn't want to allow myself to get bummed out and depressed right before my shower. This was supposed to be a fun, exciting night! So I put on the radio for some company. I have satellite radio on my TV so I made sure it was on an upbeat station with all the most recent music. As I was sitting there skewering fruit and listening to the radio, I kept looking up at a picture of Hailey on my fridge. It was at her last birthday party and she was smiling away. I longed so much to see that smile in person again and I couldn't help but wonder what role she would have played in getting ready for this baby shower. I knew she would have been thrilled to help out! That empty pit of sadness in my stomach was growing...

All of a sudden, in between songs of Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, came on the song, "It's A Beautiful Day," by U2! I have that as the ringtone on my cell phone, in Hailey's honor, because that was her famous saying. Anyways, I was so taken aback and then, of course, the tears started to fall (tears of joy). I knew she was there with me at that moment, telling me "It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away..."

I have to say that it turned out to be just that. The weather was beautiful and the shower was a blast. I knew my little girl was right there by my side, celebrating the soon to be arrival of her new little brother! I love her.

Happy Easter, My Sweet Angel

2011-04-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Easter Eve

2011-04-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

Well it’s Easter Eve and I just finished putting the girls Easter baskets together on the kitchen table. We still have one for Hailey, and always will…just some Lay’s potato chips and a few cute knickknacks for her place, but it still gives us some comfort to continue to include her in all our holiday celebrations. Although Easter definitely has more meaning to me, especially now, than just Easter baskets and the Easter bunny, when you have kids, those things do have to get woven in.

I wish I had something really profound to say to you all since tomorrow is Easter, which in my eyes is now the most important and meaningful holiday of the year. I think I probably said all that stuff last year on our first Easter without Hailey. But, I do have a few thoughts that I wanted to share.

Sean and I have tried even harder since Hailey died to really bring out and teach the true meaning of these sacred, religious holidays to our girls. I’ve talked to Lexi a lot about Easter and what it really means for Christians around the world…leaving out the Easter Bunny and baskets. Of course, Hailey had a big part in those conversations, but Lexi seemed very much okay with talking about her and even quite fascinated and excited about it.

It’s been very interesting this year because I can see how much Lexi is maturing as a little girl, but more importantly in her faith. She has spoken of Christ and the resurrection many times over the past few weeks and how important it is to her. This is such a beautiful thing to hear from a 7 year old. I love children’s purity and innocence. It paves the way for such strong faith and testimony in our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I especially love seeing it grow and develop in my children…it’s such an amazingly beautiful thing.

Tonight, she left a letter to the Easter Bunny that I hadn’t read until after she was in bed. Here is what it said (exactly as written):

Dear Easter-Bunny,

I can't believe it's finally here!

Anyway I love Easter! Not because it's

just about you (but I love you anyway)

ok. Anyway because Jesus resurrected!

-Easter rocks

Lexi, Hailey & Ava

I was so touched by what she had written and how she remembered what Easter was really all about!

Of course, I have thought so much about Christ and the resurrection and what that means for my family now that we have one of our precious children in Heaven. Easter has definitely taken on a whole new meaning to me since Hailey passed away, which in some ways disappoints me that I didn’t see it so sacredly beforehand. I’ve always remembered the Savior and what He did for us, but I’ll admit that I often got caught up in all the secular things too, especially after having children. Now, I feel like I can relate to His resurrection so much more personally. That’s definitely one of the most beautiful blessings that have come from Hailey’s passing.

Tonight, the true meaning of Easter, really hit me hard…In a good way though! I was so filled with gratitude and excitement I was caught off guard a little. Lexi, Sean, and I were reading a story called The Easter Walk, written by Deborah Rowley and Dan Burr. A dear friend of ours dropped it off last year right before Easter. It’s such a beautiful story about two children whose mother had died several years before. Ever since she died, their grandfather would take them on an Easter walk where he would read scriptures telling the “Easter Story,” about Christ, His death, and His resurrection. After each scripture, the children had to run and find something outside to represent what the scripture was talking about. For example, when he read the scripture of how Christ was nailed to the cross, the children found a piece of wood to represent it. He went on to describe how after Christ’s death he was placed in a sepulchre and a large rock was pushed in front of the opening (to which the children went and found a rock.). On Easter morning, when Mary Magdalene and Christ’s mother, Mary went to visit Him, the stone had been moved and He was no longer there. An angel appeared to them and said, “Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is arisen; he is not here…” (Mark 16:6)

As I read that, I literally got tingles down my spine as I pictured myself going to visit Hailey one day at her place and seeing the stone moved and a hole in the ground, but nothing in it. Then I pictured that angel appearing to me and saying similarly, “Be not afraid, Hailey is no longer here for she is risen!” Now, of course, being the impatient person I am, I wish I only had to wait 3 days for that moment, but just knowing that it will someday happen is enough for me! That is what Easter means to me! My little Hailey will one day rise again to live with us as a family (Although, most likely we’ll be rising with her by then…but who knows!).

This Easter I have really focused on that miracle and blessing the Savior gave us when He willingly died for each one of us, personally, only to rise again and defeat death. Along with this, which gives me such great hope and joy, are the events leading up to that miraculous death and resurrection…the Atonement of Christ. He knelt in that garden and felt every single bit of heartache, frustration, pain, anger, hurt, defeat, sadness, devastation, and so on, that I’ve personally felt. He felt that for me, for you, and for every other human being who ever existed! I can’t imagine how anyone, even the Savior of the World, could endure something like that. It’s literally beyond my comprehension, yet I know He did it and I know that if I were the only one who needed it, He would have done it all just for me. That is how He has officially become my best friend. On those days where the grief or anger of losing Hailey is so overwhelming, I remember that He, and only He, knows exactly how I feel because He personally felt it too.

How much more beautiful and sacred could such a holiday as Easter really be?

Everyone Has a Story and a Mission

2011-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to write about a comment that a wonderful supporter of mine wrote regarding my last blog entry.

Here is her comment: “First you have to know what an amazing woman you are for going through so much and still even talking to God. Please don't be too hard on yourself. As I read your post I decided I had to tell you something I learned that may help you a little. I am always afraid of loosing my son, especially when he gets sick. And one night he was sick and I started pleading with the Lord not to let him die. (It was a cold he had and I was just having a panic attack- it was not that serious.) The Lord's response to me was that this experience was about my son's mission here on earth, not mine. It has been hard to let go and realize that he is his own little person with his own mission. But I am comforted knowing that God really does have a plan for each of us. Even though our individual refiner's fire sucks. I am praying for you. You can do this. :)”

It was so nice to read that and just hit the nail right on the head. It totally reminded me of an experience I had a while ago regarding Hailey and my grief. (I apologize if I’ve already written about this, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m still emotionally unable to go back and read my past blogs to check.)

Now, here’s the story. I was going through a few days of particularly missing Hailey and playing the “why me” pity party with myself. One night, as I was filled with both sadness and anger, I got on my knees and asked the Lord just that, “Why me?” It took a little while, but a still small voice finally whispered, “It’s not you.” To which I was a little confused. As I sat quiet and still, this little voice continued to whisper, “It’s Hailey.” (Not that it was Hailey talking to me, but that it wasn’t and isn’t all about me…it was and is about Hailey.) This was a huge eye opener to me, along with a small sense of peace.

Let me elaborate on why: Members of the LDS church believe in something called the Pre-existence. This means that we believe that we lived with our Heavenly Father prior to coming here to the Earth. In the Pre-existence, we knew and accepted our path, or mission, here. This may sound extremely strange to some of you, which I completely understand, but I wanted to share that with you before continuing.

Upon “hearing” that little whisper tell me that it wasn’t all about me, but about Hailey, I realized that this is Hailey’s story and her mission. This is what she knew and accepted prior to coming here. She knew she would struggle physically in this world and only be here for a short period of time, yet she chose it and for those of you who knew her well, she also completely embraced it. (Now this also means that I knew full well that I was going to lose my child and I wish I could remember choosing that because I’d go back and kick myself in the butt!) However, I also know that we will all be compensated and very blessed in the next life for our trials here on the Earth.

But it hit me that instead of making “Hailey’s story,” about me, I needed to be proud of her and accept her life for what it was, absolutely “aMAYZing & beau’ful”! I believe that when her mission here was through and it was time for her to move on to bigger and better things, the Lord gave her a glimpse of Heaven and she probably yelled at the top of her lungs, as she always did at home, “Abba door right now!” (Which meant, “Open door right now!) I truly, 100% believe that she was able to see the impact her life would have on people "here" and the difference she would be able to make from continuing it "there," and embraced that as well. I also truly, 100% believe that given the opportunity, she would not choose to return back to Earth because that's not her story. I think she loves her mission there and is proud of it and therefore, instead of focusing on myself and my suffering here, I need to also embrace that mission she was given (and accepted) and be so proud of her!

So now, when I have my difficult, sad or angry days, I try to remind myself that I am so blessed to have been chosen to be such a big and eternal part of Hailey’s special story! If I were to bring her back here (if that were even possible) I would be ruining her plan and mission for my own selfishness. (Although I hate to admit that at this point in time, I’d probably be selfish enough to “cancel” her mission and bring her back...I'll let you all know when that changes!)

I also now try to remember the same for the rest of my children when I’m worried about something happening to them. I try to remind myself that each of us, including each of my children, has our own story and mission for this life (and the next). Therefore, Hailey’s story and mission is not Ava’s or Lexi’s story and mission. So just because Hailey was called “home” sooner than I had planned, doesn’t mean that’s the case for my other children. They have their own story to write and mission to fulfill. That’s where my faith has to come in because as hard as it is for me to accept, I know that it is between them and their Heavenly Father. He knows the entire, complete picture, which is much more than my little brain could ever know or comprehend! (Not to mention, that in the end, this will all be over and we will be living together again, happily ever after!)

Of course believing and knowing these things doesn’t always take away the pain or fear I feel, but it does help put things into a little perspective. It really coincides with my last entry about my lack of control over things. Nobody else's story is mine to write, their mission is not mine to fulfill, so I need to stop trying to do so all the time. I guess I need to really work on my own story and making sure it’s something I can be proud of when my mission is complete!

Hard to Trust

2011-04-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ava has been sick for the past few days and today I was reminded of a terrible realization, one of the things I think I struggle with the most on a daily basis. While she was napping, I went in to check on her and she was so congested she could barely breathe. She was almost gurgling as she slept. It really freaked me out that she would choke as Hailey did and I’d walk in to find her the same way. I almost woke her up and brought her downstairs with me because I was so panicked over it. After forcing myself to calm down and let her get her rest, I left her room.

That’s when the flashbacks started. Everything about “that day” came rushing back to me and made me sick to my stomach. As my heart raced, I could see Hailey so clearly when I walked into her room (I now had Ava’s face there too.). I could feel my terror and panic. I literally re-lived everything, (finding Hailey, screaming, trying CPR, calling 911, then Sean, then my Mom, driving to the emergency room, seeing her again, hearing them call the time of death, falling to my knees, seeing my family for the first time, holding her for the last time, etc, etc.) and this time I was not only re-living it for Hailey, but now for Ava. Was I being ridiculous to re-live all that again and go that far over a little congestion? Probably. But unless you’ve been through such a traumatic experience, it’s virtually impossible to truly explain the emotions and lack of control over them that will forever be attached to it.

So, although my thought processes have changed quite a bit through therapy, I was sharply reminded of how much I still struggle with one huge issue…and I hate to admit it, but I’m really having a hard time trusting God again. I’ve been on my knees a lot pouring my heart out in prayer. Honestly, my prayers have never been so honest and sincere as they’ve been over the past few months. I’ve told Him everything about how I feel, my anger, sadness, distrust, fear, etc. He’s helped me so much to work through a lot of those things. Although they aren’t all gone, I’m feeling more confident in trusting Him again and that things will be okay.

I think that is one of the things I struggle with the most. The guilt I feel over not always trusting God. I mean I trust the fact that He'll help me through whatever comes my way, I just don't necessarily trust what He may bring my way...if that makes any sense. I feel such a lack of control over my world and what is going on or might go on around me. Unfortunately, that is reality. I have absolutely no control over any of it. And I have issues with that everyday. However, the one thing I’ve come to realize is that no matter what does happen, I will survive it! I mean, unless it happens to me and I’m not supposed to survive it! =)

Some people may find it comforting to know that God is in control, but sadly enough, I’m not always one of them. Of course, I’m okay with it when it’s something I agree with, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. I’d like to be in control if that’s at all possible! And I’ll be honest and say that I hate the saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Well I’m sure He won’t, but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with handling what He gives me, just because I know I can. I’ve learned first hand the lack of control we have over life and what happens. Hailey was at home with me, her mom, in her own bed, sleeping peacefully after just getting home from the doctors with a clean bill of health. How much more in control could I have been? All was perfect...except it wasn’t. It was her time to go home and there was absolutely nothing I could have done about it. As much as I thought I was in control of everything that day, I wasn't at all. That control was not mine to have. That knowledge freaking terrifies me! I’m talking sick to my stomach terrifies me.

I remember thinking, after Hailey died, that the worst thing that could ever happen to me just did and therefore I’m safe from any more ridiculously painful trials, only to later meet people who’ve lost 2 or more of their children. I mean, seriously? This terrifies me everyday...who else am I going to lose or what else is going to happen to me? I mean how much can one person take? How much could I really take? (I’m not asking for an answer to that because I have absolutely no desire to find out.)

Minimizing this kind of fear is something I’ve been working on and learning how to deal with in therapy…not to borrow from the future because I have no idea what that could hold. And, even though my trust waivers at times, I know that I still have faith. I don’t necessarily trust that a huge tragedy or trial won’t occur sometime soon, yet, I do trust and have faith that the Lord will help me through it and I’ll survive it, like I have with losing Hailey. He's proven that to me countless times over the past year and half.

I now know that literally the only thing that anyone has control over in their life is their behavior and thoughts. As much as we like to think we have things under control, we don’t…they can change in an instant. (Sorry I’m not trying to freak anyone out or bring anyone down…I’m just sharing what I’ve learned!) The only thing that helps me with that terror right now is knowing how my Heavenly Father will step in and carry me when everything around me has come crashing down. I’m so grateful to still have that faith and the blessing of knowing that I do have a Father who lives in Heaven and who loves me more than I could ever imagine.

A Dream

2011-04-02T21:34:00.001-07:00

The other night I had a dream about Hailey. It’s only the second one I’ve ever had about her since she died, which is somewhat bittersweet. On one hand, I’d love to dream about her all the time because it makes me feel reconnected to her and like she’s still right here with me, alive and breathing. On the other hand, it’s very painful because it makes me miss her so much and I feel like I’m having to say goodbye all over again when I wake up.

It took me a couple days to write about this one because when I try to talk about it I’m often brought to tears. It wasn’t one of those dreams where I talked to her or feel like she came to me intentionally. I think it was just me missing her and my brain trying to make sense of it all. Although, I thought about it all day that day and ended up getting a dime, so maybe she was telling me it really was her coming to say hi!

So, about the dream. It really wasn’t a huge profound event, and as you know, dreams don’t always make a lot of sense so I’ll do my best to explain it. In the beginning of the dream I was holding Hailey, but she wasn't really "alive" or in her body. It’s weird because she wasn’t really “dead” either. (I hate using that word when it comes to Hailey, but it’s all that works in this sense.) I was just holding her body without her physically in it…cradling her like you would a little baby, her head resting on one arm while her knees draped over the other. I remember (and actually woke up) crying my eyes out because I knew I was going to have to “give her back”…to who or what, I don’t know, but I just knew that my time of holding her little body was limited.

Then the next thing I knew she was awake and looking at me, but she never said anything. We just stared into each others eyes as I pretty much cried mine out. I remember squeezing her to my chest as hard as I possibly could, trying to feel every inch of her little body. Gosh, I wish she would have said something, even if it was just yelling at me as she always did when she was here!

I just cried and cried through the whole dream because I knew I was going to have to “give her back,” but I couldn’t bear the thought of ever letting her out of my arms again. Then I remember her saying (but not out loud, just kind of telepathically) that she was getting tired and she needed to go back soon. When that time came, I woke up startled, to find my face and pillow soaking wet with tears. I just laid there for a few minutes and cried, while my arms ached, and my mind yearned to fall back asleep so I could possibly see her again.

I did fall back asleep, but unfortunately didn’t see her again. That morning I couldn’t stop thinking about my dream and how much I missed her, so I asked her if it really was her coming to say hi. Well, sure enough she sent me a special dime while I was out and about running errands!! That made me feel better and like she was so close by me all day.

Having that dream though, has made me miss her a lot the past couple days. I’ve been thinking about her everywhere I go and wondering what she’d be doing if she were physically with me. This morning, I was headed to a garage sale at a friend’s house and was particularly missing her as I drove alone in the car. I told her I’d love to get a dime from her today, but then realized that there are a ton of dimes at garage sales so none would really stand out. (On a different, related note, I also save dollar bills with the letter “H” on them. They aren’t very common, start looking and you’ll see. So I love when I get one! Once I have a significant amount, I plan on donating them to her foundation.) Anyways, today at the garage sale, the first person to buy something from me handed me a dollar bill, and sure enough, it had an “H” on it. Could that be a coincidence? Sure. Do I choose to believe it is? No. I think it was my little Hailey saying hi!

Anyways, just thought I’d share my dream experience with you all. I’m still hoping and waiting for “The Dream,” as I call it, when Hailey will come visit me and we’ll be able to talk. I have a few specific questions I want to ask her. I’ve prayed for that dream to come one day and often hear this voice in my head telling me, “In due time,” so I take that to mean that it will indeed come, but I may not be emotionally ready for that yet. So, I look forward to every time I sleep, hoping that “in due time,” will be here!

The Power of Thought

2011-03-19T20:36:00.001-07:00

One of the most important things I’ve learned through going to therapy is the power of thought. I came to realize that a lot (not all), but a lot of my misery was due to my thought process and the lies I was telling myself, all day, everyday. Once I discovered how to control my thoughts better and really focus on reality, my life changed real quickly. I’m still not perfect at it, but I’m getting better and better each day at focusing on the positive things in life and not allowing myself to dwell in anger and self-pity.

The one thing I love about my therapist is that she doesn’t make me feel bad or guilty for having such angry, negative thoughts or feeling sorry for myself. As a matter of fact, she completely validates those feelings and the right I have to feel them. However, she has also taught me that it does me absolutely no good to entertain those types of feelings. For example, she made me realize that I absolutely have the right to be angry about losing my daughter and having to live the rest of my life here on Earth without her. It’s so normal to feel that way. But, on the other hand, dwelling on the anger and allowing myself to justify it is not helping me at all. It’s not going to bring Hailey back any sooner and it’s making me and those around me miserable. What is the point in that?

So I began writing an anger journal, as she suggested, which helped immensely. She recommended writing or typing it out…everything, very candidly, then putting it away for a day or two, going back and rereading it, then destroying it. By rereading it a couple days later when that initial anger has dissipated I’ve come to learn how over-exaggerated it is at times and how it also passes. This has really helped me to put some things into perspective. Like when I vent for half a page about how I hit a red light while running late one day, only to go back and read it a day later and laugh as I realize how little that moment really affected my life as a whole!

The other thing I learned about the way I think is that I often use very exaggerated phrases, and come to believe them wholeheartedly. For example, I would often say how unfair it was that I had to lose my child and everyone else in the world gets to watch their children grow up. (The key exaggeration in that phrase is: everyone else.) I mean really? EVERYONE else gets to watch their children grow up? A thought like that makes me feel alone, isolated, and very angry. Yet, when I take a step back and really think about it, I’m reminded that I’m not alone because there are millions of people in this world who have lost a child and sometimes more than one. So I have to remind myself to take a step back and really think about the lies that I’m telling myself and actually believing.

One of the terms my therapist uses is “ego.” Yes, a total psychology term. But, it is true that we all have one and it really is the devil on our shoulder. Our egos are not nice. It’s their job to make us miserable by all the self-talk and lies they feed us. Instead of the word “ego,” I like to use Satan because I truly believe that he is so darn real and out to get us. He would like nothing more than to slip in when I’m down and ruin my life by making me angry and miserable. So, now I make it my mission to tick him off by not giving into those negative thoughts.

Now again, this is still a major work in progress for me. (And probably always will be.) I was very skeptical at first about the power of thought and how it can change one’s life, but I was so desperate for some help that I decided to take whatever advice my therapist gave me to the full extent. I can now say that I am a true believer. My life and outlook on life has changed drastically in less than a month. It has taken a lot of effort (and prayer) on my part to stop allowing myself to go to the negative in thought because honestly, I’ve always been quite the pessimist, so those thoughts come very naturally for me and are a very strong, bad habit.

When I feel myself getting annoyed, angry, or depressed, I instantly stop and analyze what I’m thinking. What lies am I (or Satan) telling myself that I’m believing? I also try to think of the eternal perspective in all this. I remind myself that this life is so small compared to what is to come in the next life. These trials are not forever. They too shall pass, just as the trials I had as a teenager and young adult. And I know, through experience, that I will be a much better person for having survived them. I remember that Hailey is still very much alive in spirit and aware of me and around all the time. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for, still, even though she isn’t physically here with me. I thank God for the awesome miracles and blessings that have come since this happened. I look forward to tomorrow when I know that whatever little thing has me annoyed in the moment will be over and not matter anymore. The majority of the time, these thoughts are strong enough to snap me out of my funk and bring me back to reality and a feeling of peace. And when they’re not, I try to be patient with myself and remember that I am not perfect…I’m a grieving, pregnant mother just doing my best.

Anyways, I just wanted to share some of those thoughts and experiences with all of you. They have literally changed my life and way of thinking, not only regarding the loss of Hailey, but in everything that daily life has to offer me. Through prayer, I have been reminded that all these principles and skills my therapist has taught me are completely in line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ and everything He stands for. He is full of peace, comfort, joy, and especially hope. I pray that I will continue to remember these things I’ve learned when times are tough again and I’m feeling hopeless…if not, please remind me to reread this blog post!!!

Feeling Better

2011-03-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to write again! The last time I wrote I wasn’t doing so well, but I am so happy to say that I’m feeling much, much better! I can tell you that if I don’t write for a while, it’s usually safe to assume it’s because I’m doing great and enjoying those times of peace and happiness. Writing my blog is a very emotional, thought provoking thing for me, so sometimes when I’m feeling good I just want a break from the emotion and thought which is why I don’t write as often. This has been a great outlet for me during my troubled times, so I usually tend to write more when I’m struggling and either need to get it all out or I just need some extra love and support (which I can always count on from my readers!).

I am also so honored that so many of you have emailed me or written to me asking about how I’m doing. Knowing that I have so many people out there who think about me and care so much is beyond a blessing to me. Therefore, when I write about my bad days, I’ll make it a point to let you all know when I’m also feeling much better too, so I don’t leave you all wondering what the heck is going on!

I’ve been going to grief therapy weekly, which has worked miracles for me. My therapist is literally one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She has taught me a lot about the power of thought and what a powerful effect it has on one’s life (both good and bad). I’ve really learned how to change my way of thinking and also calm myself down when I’m feeling so angry or overwhelmed. This has had a ripple effect in my home, as well. My girls are so much happier and calmer, which also makes me (and my husband) feel the same! We’ve come back to enjoying one another and really feeling grateful for life.

Speaking of feeling grateful for life, I’ve been really focusing on gratitude and what I’m truly grateful for. Wow, what a difference that has made!!! I highly recommend everyone try it out. Although I’ve had a terrible thing happen to me in losing Hailey, I still have so, so much to be grateful for. I’ve come to realize that I’m not the only person in the world struggling with trials and there is no point in comparing my trial to anyone else’s. That’s just a recipe for self-pity and anger. We all have trials, some are just more visible to the outside world than others.

The power of prayer is also undeniable. Seriously, I don’t know if I would have made it over the past couple months without my daily chats with my Heavenly Father. I’ve come to really understand how He is just that…my Father who lives in Heaven. When I think of my own father here on Earth and how much I know he loves me and supports me, I come to realize the same about my Father in Heaven. He is not just “God,” He is literally my father. He created me and knows me better than I know myself. Through prayer…and I mean honest prayer, really pouring my heart and soul out…I have come to develop a better relationship with Him and understand how He loves and supports me just like my father here on Earth…and even so much more (no offense Dad!). That relationship and understanding has done wonders for my well-being. Trying to see life in the eternal perspective, the big overall picture, and not just looking at these few small moments here on Earth has changed my outlook and attitude so much.

I still have so much more I want to write and share about these past couple months. The things I’ve experienced and learned are wonderful. And, realistically, I know that this isn’t the end of my journey through grief, anger, depression, etc. I know one day it will come back around to bite me in the buns again, but now I’m better prepared to handle it and I also know that it won’t last forever.

I love my little Hailey so much and I miss her more and more every single day. I know that will never go away, but I owe it to her to be happy and enjoy my life and the blessings that I still have.

I’ve been quite busy, but I’ll be back again soon to continue filling you all in on all the wonderful things that have happened over the past couple months to help me heal, restore my faith, and bring some joy back into my life.

Thank you again to all of you who have wholeheartedly supported and loved me just the way I am, without any judgment. I have learned a lot about the importance of not making assumptions or judgments of others…we just never know the real facts.

My new favorite quote is: “There is no one you couldn’t love if you knew their whole story.” I’m not sure who wrote it, but I find it so profound. I feel that those of you who have read my blog from the start know most of my story over the past 2 years and therefore I have felt that unconditional love and support. But remember that there are many out there who are not an open book like myself, who carry unknown or silent pain and struggles, whose stories we really know nothing about…

Guilt

2011-02-20T16:17:00.001-08:00

Among all the other emotions I’m currently dealing with is that of guilt. The guilt that is piling up over putting my family and children through my emotional turmoil is weighing on me like a ton of bricks. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I know they are there for me, but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with taking that support and needing them all the time. I just want to be normal and happy. I know how when someone around you is down all the time it can definitely start to wear on you and I just don’t want to do that to my family and friends. I’m so independent and absolutely HATE needing and/or asking for help.

As I laid in bed awake all freaking night while sick, I constantly felt this sweet, precious baby moving all around and then of course, begin to worry frantically. Are all the emotional up and downs going to affect him, the constant anger, crying and worrying? Is my being sick and on my third antibiotic this pregnancy going to hurt him? Is my lack of sleep and eating going to cause him stress or pain? I’m now wondering if I should have waited longer, until I was through all this stuff, to get pregnant again. My poor little boy is already coming into the world under a whirlwind of emotion. I was doing really well when I got pregnant. I thought I was on the upswing. I definitely had no idea I was headed for such emotional turmoil. I’m sure the pregnancy contributes to my emotional state in many ways, but that’s not the baby’s fault, so the thought that any of this could be affecting him causes me a lot of guilt. I really hope and pray that he is resting comfortably and not being subjected to what is going on with his mother on the outside.

The guilt that I feel over these freaking mood swings is beyond words. I’m sick over it. I love my girls so much and hate the fact that they have to be around me when I’m emotionally struggling. Lexi is the happiest, bubbliest little girl ever. No joke, I often call her my perfect child because in so many ways she is. (Yes, and in some ways she isn’t, but honestly, very few!) I would do anything for her, but the one thing I really want to do, just be a normal, happy go lucky, fun to be around, mom, I just can’t. It doesn’t seem to phase her at all on the outside, although, every once in a while when I’m really grumpy, she totally puts me in my place. But, I don’t know what it does to her on the inside. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a crazy psycho mom to her or anything, just sometimes impatient or easily frustrated, but those times are so unpredictable to me (and her), which is why I feel so darn guilty. I don’t know what I would ever do without her and her pure unconditional love. She is my rock, in a lot of ways. She keeps me grounded, gives me a reason to get up every morning and keep going and trying. She is amazing. So when I get angry with her or yell at her for some small thing the guilt I feel inside is overwhelming.

And then there’s little Ava. I feel extreme guilt at my impatience with her sometimes. Those of you who have had kids know perfectly well how frustrating and difficult a 2-year old can be at times. Normally, I’d be able to deal with it, but when my mind is already completely overloaded and overwhelmed, those little 2-year old hiccups can seem like the end of the world to me. Having a demanding 2-year who needs and wants my attention all day everyday is so overwhelming to me. It’s hard to find a moment to just calm down and think. I feel like I’m going to miss out on her entire childhood being frustrated, rather than enjoying her. She’s so darn cute and I just love her with all my heart. Sometimes when I check on her at night while she’s sleeping I just want to hold her perfect, quiet, still little body in my arms for hours (but I wouldn’t dare wake her up!). I know she probably won’t really remember any of this or that she even thinks anything is wrong, but I will and that kills me inside causing more guilt.

Continuing on with the pile of guilt, I feel horrible that my husband is trying to work a full time job in a new position and then have to worry about me and my sudden relapse of grief. Having to come home to a wife who is overwhelmed, sad, emotional, etc. can’t exactly be enjoyable. I want to be someone he’s excited to see at the end of the day, who’s waiting at the door smiling when he comes home, who he looks forward to hanging out with because we have such a good time together, etc. But honestly, right now, I don’t think I’m any of those things. I just hope and pray that someday soon I will be again. I have to say though that he handles me with such ease. He is seriously the most non-judgmental person I have ever met. He is my rock and I honestly don’t know if I would still be functioning without him.

Lastly, there’s the guilt I feel for my family and friends. I’m surprised they still answer the phone when I call. They never know what they’re going to get. Sometimes I’m happy and joking and laughing and others I’m the pure definition of negativity. Unfortunately, right now, it’s usually the latter. I know they love me unconditionally and are there for me no matter what, but as I said earlier, I’m sure it gets old and draining for them as well.

Seriously, the constant guilt I feel for what I’m going through and all those around me is overwhelming and at times completely consuming. It keeps me up at night. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I wish there was a way to accept who I am right now and what I’m going through and even be okay with it, but there’s not and I’m not. I’m just so grateful that I have such wonderfully, amazing, unselfish, people around me who consistently surprise me with their support and unconditional love.

Yet Another Rough Day.

2011-02-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another tough day, seems like the theme lately. Actually this entire week has been very tough, but yesterday was the peak of it. I’ve been really sick with a sinus infection and unable to sleep for about 5 days. I literally wake up every single night for a minimum of 2-3 hours. A lot of thinking goes on while laying there in silence as everyone else is sound asleep, which isn’t always great for the troubled soul. So, on top of being really sick, I was beyond exhausted…physically, mentally, & emotionally.

It hit me hardest yesterday. When Ava went down for a nap, I tried so hard to get some rest, but still couldn’t manage to get comfortable and fall asleep. After an hour of laying there and thinking about my little Hailey non-stop, I finally broke down and cried. Actually I did more than cry, I sobbed hysterically, almost as if I were back to the day when Hailey first died. My whole body ached for her. I missed her so much and for about an hour, I allowed myself to wallow in that misery.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most is the fact that she would be starting Kindergarten this Fall. I have so many friends right now who have children Hailey’s age so it’s really hard to see them going to all the school meetings, orientations, etc. I can’t help but continually think of Hailey and how excited she (and me, even more so) would have been. I want nothing more than to be able to see her in her classroom and look at all the work she brings home. I remember how excited Lexi was at Back To School night when she got to show us all the stuff she was doing and how fun it was to help out in her classroom. She would beam when I’d walk through that door. I want that with Hailey, too. Not to mention, how fun it would be to have both Hailey and Lexi in school together. Anyways, I already know it doesn’t help to dwell on all that, but I really don't care if it helps or not, I still do it at times.

Anyways, after crying my eyes out for about an hour, I finally fell asleep for a little bit. When Ava and I woke up, I decided to take some flowers over to Hailey’s Place. (I take her fresh flowers every week.) While there I sat and talked to her for a while. I don’t normally talk out loud to her when I’m there, it’s just not really my thing. I’ll say hi and stuff, but I don’t usually sit and converse with her out loud. Yesterday was different. I missed her so much I just wanted to talk to her and tell her everything, although in a lot of ways I believe she already knows. Anyways, after telling her how much I missed her and ached for her and how difficult the past few weeks have been I finally kissed her little picture and said goodbye and asked her to let me know she’s around. When I drove away, the first traffic light I hit was red. As I stopped, a huge Lay’s potato chip truck came right across the intersection in front of me!!! Of course, I started to cry again, but this time tears of joy. I knew at that moment that she was there with me right then and knew all I was going through and most importantly, that she still loves me!

Rough Day

2011-02-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

So today I hit another rough patch. I don't know why and that's one of the hardest things about grieving, you never really know when it's going to hit or why it does, but when it does there's really not much you can do about it. This was one of those days.

It was supposed to be a great day. I had a church activity this morning with the young women (ages 12-18), then an appointment to get my nails done, and lastly, Kim and I were supposed to go to the mall shopping for maternity clothes. I was so excited to go shopping...for me! I never go shopping for myself. I even cleaned out and reorganized my entire closet this week to get ready for my little spree!

Then today came. I woke up not feeling well, which already put a damper on things. On top of that, when I woke up I was just coming out of a dream about Hailey. I was giving her a bath, there was no verbal communication, but just seeing her face and life back in her little body was enough to invoke a lot of pain. Those dreams suck. When you wake up it almost feels like you've just lost the person all over again. It's like she was right there within my reach, but I just couldn't grasp her and hold on tight enough to bring her back out of the dream with me. It made me really miss her a lot.

So here I was on one of the most beautiful days of the year (It was 80 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky...), yet I just couldn't seem to enjoy one darn second of it. Physically I felt horrible and emotionally I felt even worse. Why? Why today when I was supposed to have a fun, relaxing day? I guess that's the million dollar question, with no real answer.

I went to my church activity, but didn't do much (sorry everyone!). Then during my nail appointment they seriously played the saddest music ever (Think Chicago.), so I literally had to hold back tears several times. Here I was getting my nails done on an absolutely gorgeous day and it took all the strength I had not to break down. I couldn't stand being around all those cheerful people when I was absolutely miserable. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Afterwards, I was tempted to put a smile on my face and still go shopping. I knew being around my sister would cheer me up a bit, at least on the outside. But, unfortunately, I also knew that on the inside I would still be a mess. I wouldn't enjoy one minute of being at the mall around a ton of people pretending like all was well in my life. And, even though I'd have some new clothes to show for it, they wouldn't ease the pain I was feeling inside.

Then I remembered what my therapist had told me. She said that the fastest way to get through these emotions is to embrace them and face them head on, even though at the moment its the hardest thing to do. Half of me wanted so badly to shove them inside, as I used to do, and pretend like nothing was wrong because in a lot of ways that's much easier to do than the alternative. The alternative being to face my sadness head on, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get it out. As she told me, if I keep holding it inside it will just fester and continue growing until eventually there's just no room left and it has to come out. That could end up being 10 years from now. But, the thing is, I don't want it to be 10 years from now, I want to feel better soon...now!

So, as I had decided when I first saw her again, I did exactly what she suggested. I feel like over the past few weeks I hit my rock bottom and the only way to go up now is to take her suggestions and advice seriously. I promised myself I would do whatever she suggested, no matter how difficult because she is so amazing and I know she can help me a lot.

I called my sister and told her I just wasn't up for going to the mall, finally being honest with myself and therefore everyone else. (Of course, Kim was amazing about it.) Yet inside, I was so disappointed and angry that I wasn't up for it. Why did I have to feel like this today? Why couldn't I just freaking enjoy the weather, my sister, shopping, etc.? I was so angry.

I decided to face the emotions I was feeling head on, so I drove over to Hailey's Place, sat down on a towel in front of her stone (decorated so cute for Valentine's Day), and just cried. I cried and talked to her and cried some more. I cried for her. I cried for myself. I cried for the beautiful day I was missing out on. I just cried. But most importantly, I cried it all out. Instead of pushing those feelings down and trying to pretend they weren't there, I let them literally flow out. It was hard. I hate to cry, but I knew it was the only way to truly feel relief.

It worked. Although, I'm still bummed about how today turned out, I was actually able to enjoy my evening a little. Kim came by to check in and it was great hanging out with her for a bit. Then Sean, Lexi, and I sat around the table for a couple hours, chatting, and making Valentine's for Lexi's class. (They all have to be handmade!) My sadness and anger subsided and I was able to relax with my family. I'm exhausted, but all in all, I feel very relieved.

Anger

2011-02-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

This was written on Monday February 7, 2011

Well now that my whole life is out on the table, I’m feeling both worse and a little better. It feels really good to free, but also very exhausting since all my emotions are on the surface now. I have a long way to go and right now I feel a lot like I did the first few days or weeks after Hailey died. I have countless books on grieving, that I’ve never even picked up…until today.

I want to remind you all that it’s extremely difficult for me to open up like this and the vulnerability that I feel is beyond terrifying and overwhelming. The reason I feel so strongly about doing so is for one, to be honest with myself, but even more importantly, is to hopefully help even one person out there who may be grieving as I am to realize that they are normal and someone understands what they are going through…Me, I understand, maybe not your own personal grief, but I understand what grief feels like and does to a person. So for a little while, at least, my blog is going to take a slightly different turn and focus more on what grief is, feels like and what you can do (and not do) to help those you know who are going through this.

I’m also not going to focus on every aspect of grief, but mainly just the ones I’m dealing with. Not to be selfish, but because those are the ones I’m obviously experience in and therefore feel the need to share with those who know me well. These entries will probably be somewhat long and may be difficult for most of you to relate to, so please just bear with me. I completely understand if they don’t interest you or if you don’t want to read them.

For some reason, I guess I thought all the grief books wouldn’t apply to me. I was different. I was stronger. I had faith and a strong belief in God and His eternal plan. So therefore I was exempt to the actual grieving process. Well I was quite wrong, apparently, I’m no different than any other fellow “griever.” I may be strong, but not strong enough, and having faith and a strong belief in God doesn’t negate the fact that I’m devastated (and angry) that my daughter died. So, today while Ava was napping I just grabbed a book and started leafing through it (mainly to see if I was “normal”). Well, it turns out that yes, I am “normal!” Actually, I’m 100% textbook normal. So, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve read so far that describe me and what I’m going through that I couldn’t have explained better myself.

The first thing I wanted to share is what I read on anger, because I am experiencing that emotion the most right now. This comes from the book, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. I’m going to list the quotes in italics as I read them and add my personal comments in parenthesis.

“At first, the fact that you lived through the loss is surprising to you. (So true.) Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness also appear, stronger than ever. Loved ones and friends are often taken aback by these feelings, because they surface just as you were beginning to function at a basic level again.” (That last statement hit the nail on the head.)

“The truth is that anger has no limits.” (That is absolute truth.)

“If we ask people to move through their anger too fast, we only alienate them. Whenever we ask people to be different than they are or to feel something different, we are not accepting them as they are and where they are. Nobody likes to be asked to change and not be accepted as they are. We like it even less in the midst of grief.”

(I love this because I truly feel my church embraces this concept.)

“Today, most churches and clergy understand it is not unusual for people to feel anger toward God….They allow it and are not put off if you speak of it.” (I can’t say I actually feel a lot of anger towards God, Himself, but instead the anger is more at the fact that He won’t take all the pain away.)

(This is from a clergyman from an unspecified religion, but I loved so much what he said.) “Once you allow yourself to feel and speak out the anger, you may find that your God is strong enough to handle your anger, strong enough to feel compassion and love for you, even in the midst of your anger at him.” (AMEN!)

“Underneath anger is pain, your pain. People often tell us our anger is misplaced, inappropriate, or disproportionate. Some people may feel your anger is harsh or too much. (Luckily, I’ve never received that reaction from others, but I do feel that way towards myself all the time.) It is their problem if they don’t know how to deal with it. It is your job (my job) to honor your anger by allowing yourself to be angry.” (This is tough for me. I hate feeling angry and often feel very guilty for it.)

“The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love…Anger may take on many forms. (Couldn’t be truer for me.) Unfortunately, however, anger can isolate you from friends and family at the precise time you may need them the most.” (I feel that this has happened to me quite a bit over the last year. I’m definitely not nearly as social as I used to be. So please bear with me and know it’s nothing personal against anyone!)

“You may experience feelings of guilt, which is anger turned inward on yourself. But you are not to blame. If you could change things, you would, but you can’t. (That last sentence hit home hard for me because it couldn’t be more true of how I feel every single day. I feel so guilty all the time and I would do anything to change things.) Anger affirms that you can feel, you did love, and you have lost.”

“The power of your anger may overwhelm you because for some it may be in proportion to the amount of lost love that it represents. (That of a child is beyond any amount describable.) It may seem that if you go into the pain, you will never come out of it or that the pain will never end. (I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to finally face the true pain I feel.)

Hopefully this gives you all a little insight into where my anger is coming from and being directed to. Also, for those of you out there reading this who are also dealing with the anger that stems from grief, hang in there and know that you too, are very normal.

On My Way...

2011-02-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

Now that there’s a new break in my grieving process and I'm in a whole new phase, I’ll probably be blogging a lot more regularly again, therefore I'm not going to update it on my Facebook page every time. So, if you're interested in following this new turn of events, please check back regularly.

I can’t even begin to express my gratitude and the newfound strength I feel after all your supportive comments. I think that the last thing I need right now is advice and the first thing I need is validation and justification, which is what you’ve all given to me. Gosh, I am so blessed with the most amazing people in my life, every single one of you!

Today I saw my therapist and feel so much better, although I’m also very cautious. These feelings seem to come in ridiculous waves, and hit hard at times, but I’ll take whatever peace and comfort I can get for as little or as long as I can get it. As she said, I will slowly start to notice the wavelengths getting wider and wider in between. She gave me some great strategies on how to manage these emotions, mainly the anger I feel and help to push through it.

For those of you who are wondering what strategies I’m talking about, or who need some ideas themselves, the one thing she told me that I think will help the most is to embrace the feelings I have, not feel guilty about them, but accept them, allow them full force, and journal them. Not just for my blog, but a whole separate writing for my eyes only that is very candid and 100% brutally honest. The anger needs somewhere to go, so she said to get it out by writing exactly how I feel even if my thoughts seems absolutely horrible. Then, when I’m finished shred it or delete it forever, but most importantly, get it out…every single thought and feeling. She also suggested screaming and yelling and punching pillows, etc. I’m not so sure that’s quite my style, especially with kids home, but who knows maybe during Ava’s naptime!

I think the journaling will be my best bet at this point because I already know how much better I feel just blogging. Anyways, that’s the scoop as of today. Check back tomorrow.

The Real Grief Is Setting In

2011-02-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

This was actually written on Friday, Feb 4^th, but I’m just now feeling up to posting it.

Warning: This is very long and heavy with emotional stuff, but also necessary for me to write.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, but I’ve finally decided to share with all of you what I’m really going through. I’m probably going to be more candid and make myself way more vulnerable than I have ever been before in my life (and those of you who know me well know that I’m usually an open book.) But I can no longer hold it all in and feel like I’m living a lie.

Honestly, I’m not doing very well right now. Emotionally, I’m on the verge of a breakdown, literally. I don’t even think I was aware of how bad off I was emotionally until I hit rock bottom and had to face it. I decided to write out everything I was feeling and going through so I could somehow make some sense of it. Well, once I started to write, I almost couldn’t stop. The real me…the real emotion and pain I’m feeling came flooding out and actually shocked me quite a bit. I guess I thought that by keeping my true pain and grief to myself, it would protect me, but instead I think it’s hurt me because I’m now completely drowning in it. I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even put it into words.

Don’t get me wrong, because everything I’ve written in my blog so far is the absolute truth and how I feel at that moment, but I think there’s more to the truth that I’ve kept inside for so long. For some reason, this week, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and literally almost checked myself into a hospital for evaluation. I’m dying inside and feel like I can’t get out.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to share it with everyone, but I think I’m just so exhausted from trying to deal with it alone. It’s been a year and a half and I think my biggest fear is that someone might actually think I should be over it by now or at least getting better, but realistically, I’m worse. I am terrified that if I show my true emotions people aren’t going to want to be around me anymore because I’ll be a total downer or it will be an uncomfortable thing for them to have to deal with. And honestly, it is. It sucks. Not only for me, but for all those who are personally involved with me.

I’m not even sure I’ve truly allowed myself to grieve because the sheer pain of it at times is literally almost too much to bear, so it’s easier for me to continually push it down and away and pretend like it’s not there. It also terrifies me because I hate who I am right now. I hate feeling angry and frustrated and miserable all the time. I’m so tired. My mind is chaos and every little thing that doesn’t go as planned or adds slightly to the chaos overwhelms me to the point of rage.

I’ve was seeing an amazing therapist for my grief and I guess I slacked off because I felt like I was doing better, but I’m not…actually I’m now doing WAY worse. So I’ve reconnected with her. I sat down one day, bawling my eyeballs out and listed, very openly and candidly, everything I’ve been feeling. I’m actually going to show you all the list because I want everyone who knows me well to understand exactly what I’m going through and know that if I’ve ever been mean or grumpy or anything other than pleasant to you, this is why…it has nothing to do with you. If I’ve seemed to over-react to some little, petty thing, this is why. Everything, to me, is stressful, overwhelming and a big deal right now. More importantly, I want to share it for those out there who are also grieving the loss of a loved one and maybe feeling the exact same way as I am. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are actually people out there who understand a little…me being one of them.

Here is the list I wrote for my grief counselor…it’s not edited, it’s just exactly as it came flowing out of my emotional mind:

Extreme irritability and anger
Literally everything sets me off into a rage (tiniest things like dropping something, or something out of place in my house, etc.)
Don’t want to be around or talk to anyone, yet so lonely
Feel trapped inside my body, want to be happy so bad, but I’m so angry
Constant effort to appear happy and “normal”
Emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to control my emotions
Feel like I’ve tried everything: therapy, joined a gym (go 3 times a week), mommy and me class, read countless self help books, 10 minutes quiet time daily, religious (pray, very active in my church, read scriptures, etc.)…all only help temporarily for a couple hours at most
Hate feeling this way and am starting to feel hopeless, like I’m never going to snap out of it
My mind is in constant chaos. I can’t seem to slow it down or relax. Everything is overwhelming.
Don’t even fully enjoy my good days because I feel like they’re not real and I’m faking them.
Feel like I want to hide away somewhere or check into the hospital so I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone.
Dread everything. Overwhelmed by everything, even just getting out of bed in the morning
Feel lost and and don’t want to tell anyone because I feel so horrible about it
Mentally I know my feelings of rage, irritability, overwhemingness, anxiety, etc are not necessarily justifiable, but cannot control the emotional side
Ready to crash and burn. Feel like if something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously going to have a mental breakdown
So sick of suffering inside. I want out of my body. I want to feel good and happy and enjoy my children and my life again.
Just want some relief…will do anything.

After showing this list to my therapist and telling her that I literally feel like I’m crazy or psycho, she assured me that I’m not in any way, but I’m still grieving…a lot. Apparently, I am now in the anger stage of grief (I kind of chuckle when I write that because, YA THINK??) I’m freaking furious. I never put the two together, my anger and the stages of grief because for some reason I must have thought I was different than every other person in the world who’s grieved. I assumed that I was doing so well since I don’t cry all the time and therefore either bypassed all the stages of grief or sailed through them with flying colors. Nope…I guess not.

One thing she said that really hit home was that I’m a mother who’s pregnant with crazy hormones, I’ve gone off some medication I was taking to help me with my grief, I’ve lost a child (finding her in a very traumatic way), and now I’m “replacing” her with a new child. She wasn’t mean literally replacing her, but meaning that I’m now bringing a different child into the world and changing my whole family dynamic. She said that any one of those things would be enough to cause stress and trauma, but all of them piled together is beyond overwhelming. So I’m praying that she’ll be able to help me.

Honestly, I’m so angry right now with everything in the world…I mean literally EVERYTHING and everyone. I’m so lonely for Hailey. I want her back. I want my old life back with my three beautiful girls. I often feel jealous of people who get to have all their kids and watch them grow up. I want to see her as the four and a half year old little girl she should be. I want to watch her blonde curls blowing in the wind and hear her giggle and tell me that she loves me. I want to help her write her name and learn her letters. I want to hear her playing (and fighting) with her sisters. I want to kiss her cheek at night while she’s sleeping. I want to take her school shopping for her first day of Kindergarten. I miss these things every single day, every single moment.

I feel like I’ve lost myself and my identity in a lot of ways. I went from having three children home all day, to one being gone permanently, and the other (Lexi) in school until 5 almost everyday. (She’s in private school and LOVES all the extra-curricular classes after school so she stays really late.) When Hailey was here my mind was constantly stimulated and challenged. I was so busy and felt so needed and important. Now I’m home all day with one two-year old child, who takes 3 hour naps everyday. That time is excruciatingly boring and lonely for me. In some ways it would seem that I’m lucky because, honestly, my life is super easy right now. I have two healthy children, one in school all day and one who naps for 3 hours…how difficult could that be? But for me, it’s torture.

I feel lonely because no matter how much anyone tries to understand, they don’t. Unless they’ve lost a child as well, there is no way to even come close to knowing what it does to a person. (However, I have to say that I have many amazing people in my life who do their very darned best to understand as much as they can. I couldn’t survive without them.)

I feel guilty, so freaking guilty for putting my husband and children through my ridiculous mood swings. And also for pushing them away emotionally because I can’t even begin to stand the thought of losing another one of them, so instead I think I’m trying to protect myself. I seriously love them so much I can’t even put it into words, yet I can’t enjoy them or that pure, unconditional love because of the immense fear I live with every single day that I’ll lose one of them too.

I struggle through every single day. Getting up every morning is a huge effort, showering, interacting, even just breathing sometimes seriously takes all the effort I have. I’m so lonely, so lonely, yet I don’t want anyone around. I don’t want to talk to anyone, hang out with anyone, be around anyone because that just entails even more effort on my part to appear normal and happy and functioning…it’s way too exhausting. Every laugh, smile, conversation, positive thing I say, etc. is work and effort.

I have to say the only that that really keeps me going and semi-normal are my children. Sean too, but he’s an adult and could probably handle me having a breakdown. That may sound kind of funny, but I’m totally serious. I just love my kids so much that I couldn’t imagine shaking their world with my emotions. I could never imagine letting my sweet, happy, little seven year old even have a glimpse of what I’m truly feeling and going through. So, I continue on…for her, almost all for her. Maybe one day I’ll tell her how in her own innocent way she’s saved me, but for now, I think it’s a little too much.

I wish I could be the same person I was before Hailey passed away. I was compassionate, caring, happy (usually), social, energetic, confident, etc., but in reality, I’m none of those things now. I may even still appear to be the same, but I honestly don’t think I even have one of those qualities anymore. I pretend to, but I don’t. I still laugh and joke around a lot, but on the inside it’s a whole different story. Instead, I’m angry…at everything and everyone. I’m angry at the world in general. I’m moody, emotional, sad, grumpy, lonely, etc.

I cannot even believe I’m actually opening myself up like this and sharing this with the world. I have to admit that in some ways it is extremely terrifying, yet in others so liberating. I worry about what it’s going to do to me if people don’t understand or just don’t get it or aren’t compassionate or even feel the need to judge me. On the other hand, part of me doesn’t give a crap because this is who I am right now, this is me, like it or not, take it or leave it. Although I now have a long way to go, after admitting all this and outing myself to the entire world, I feel free in so many ways. I no longer have to live a lie and suppress my feelings, my grief, my anger, anything, and that’s kind of a relief. But it’s also tough because I almost feel like I’m back at stage one again, wherever that is. I’m on the verge of tears all the time, the pain is super fresh again and right at the surface, and I can barely even look at a picture of Hailey without breaking down.

One last thing I have to say is that my faith in God is still as strong as ever. That has not wavered in any way, although, I’ll admit that there are times when I’m really angry with Him. There are times when I want to scream at Him and ask Him why. Why would He put his daughter (me) through something like this? Why doesn’t He just give me a freaking break and take this pain and sorrow away…I’d be happy with just 5 minutes of relief. And yes, I do tell Him that (and more). I tell Him I don’t want to pray or talk to Him because I’m so mad at Him. But in reality, I know that there is no way I can do this without Him and His help and mercy. I know that He is there and does ease my burden. I wonder how, if this is so difficult while having Him in my life, it would be without Him. Today after I had a good “sob-fest” I came down and flipped my daily scripture chart for the scripture of the day and it read, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.” Psalm 55:22 (And what a burden I have to cast upon Him!)

I know this has been very long and probably overwhelming to read, so imagine living it every second of every day. I want to thank you all for taking the time to read it and share my grief with me. Please don’t feel offended if I seem distant, but right now I’m going to need some serious down time. I have a LOT to deal with and work through and I need to do it on my own terms.

A Boy!

2011-01-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

Wow...I can't believe we're having a boy! I have no idea what to do with that. I've done girls...three of them to be exact, but a boy? This will be quite interesting...and exciting!

It was so cool because the day Sean and I found out, I was driving home from the ultrasound, and I could literally feel Hailey sitting right next to me in the front seat just beaming away! I'm still not sure if she was beaming out of excitement for this little bundle I believe she helped bring into the world, or if she was beaming at the thought of how funny it's going to be for her to watch me try to figure out what to do with a boy! Either way, it's fine with me, I just loved the feeling of having her nearby to enjoy the experience with us.

I think that's one of the neat things about losing a loved one...I mean, if there really is anything neat about it. But I feel so close to her all the time. I feel like she's with me often. I actually feel a lot closer to her now than I did when she was physically here. For the first time in my life, I really feel that spiritual connection between this world and the world beyond and I know that it exists. I think I'd give it up in a heartbeat to have her back, but I guess it will do for now.

Anyways, back to the boy thing. I wanted to share a personal experience with you all. Back when Sean and I were engaged I had a very vivid dream that we had a son. He was about thirteen at the time and standing in my parents' kitchen telling them about how he wanted to go on a mission for our church when he turned nineteen. I'm not sure why it struck me so strongly, but for some reason when I woke up I KNEW we were supposed to have a boy. I even told Sean that we were going to have a boy one day. And, I'm not one of those people who thinks every dream or experience in my life is a big spiritual message from God, but for some reason, this was different.

Well we went on to have Lexi, then Hailey, then...Ava. We knew we were done at three, so I was very taken aback when I found out Ava was a girl. I think I even had the ultrasound lady check a couple times because I was so sure we were supposed to have a boy and yet I was even more sure we were DONE having kids!!! I was kind of bummed that my dream turned out to be nothing, even though I had felt it so strongly for many years, but I also wasn't willing to feel it strong enough to have a fourth!!! So I put it on the back burner, forgot about it, and loved having three girls.

Little did I know what God had in store for me, which is why I think He allowed me to forget about it for a while. He knew what was to come and that we would indeed have that little boy I dreamt about, even if I forgot about him for awhile. I think on one hand He was laughing at the fact that I swore we were done having kids, blah, blah, blah...we love to think we can control God's plan for us! Although, on the other hand He was probably also sad to know the circumstances that would actually bring us this boy I had the dream about.

Fast forward a couple years...Hailey passes away, but for a year Sean and I still weren't emotionally ready to consider having another child and I still hadn't remembered the dream about having a boy. Well, next thing we know, we decided that we might regret not having another baby down the road, but knew we would never regret having another one. So, here I am...pregnant. Sixteen weeks later, we go into the ultrasound and find out it's a boy!

Oh my gosh! First off, I was glad to know that my spiritual sense was in tune and my dream really did mean something as I had originally thought. I have to admit that it's definitely a bittersweet feeling to know that Hailey had to die for this little boy to be brought into the world, however I definitely don't believe that's the only reason she had to go. I know there is much more to it than that. But, I do think it is a great blessing or gift for our sacrifice in her loss.

I definitely feel Hailey's hand in this pregnancy and know that she is up there with her little brother filling him in on all the ways to drive me crazy! But more importantly, she'll be his own personal guardian angel when he gets here. It's so crazy how life can turn out. I mean, after having Ava we thought we were done having children and started moving on with our life...getting rid of all the baby stuff, etc. It just blows me away that nine months after having Ava and thinking life was pretty good and moving forward in a great way, Hailey passes away unexpectedly, then a little over a year later we're pregnant and it's a boy. It just goes to show you that God does have a plan and it's definitely not always our plan, but when all is said and done, if we just have faith, we'll quickly realize that He does know what's best for each of us and our lives. Now, I'll be honest and admit that I'm still not exactly okay with the plan He's given us and I might even say I'd take my old life back in an instant, but I also know that this little boy is here for a reason and will bring us much joy that we would have never had in my original plan.

We decided to name him Joseph Hal, but we'll call him Joey! Our original name was Joseph Daniel after my father and Sean's father, but Sean's older brother had a son named after Sean's dad, so since he already got his shout out, we decided to name our little guy after his own daddy! (Hal is Sean's middle name and I like it because it has a little ring of Hailey to it too...giving him a connection to the big sister who helped bring him into this world!)

I just had a comprehensive ultrasound on Monday to check for any anomalies similar to what Hailey had, but all looks perfect, so that is a huge relief. (Hailey's condition was not hereditary, but just a total random thing that happened during fetal development. And although my doctor told me many times that the odds of me having another child with TEF are the exact same as if I never had one with it, I still needed that peace of mind.)

So, there ya have it!!! That's the current update on our new little angel coming into this world. It has been emotionally bittersweet for me, but I already love this little guy so much and can't wait to see if he looks anything like our little Hailey!!!

Merry Christmas - It's a Boy!

2010-12-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that Christmas this year went much better than last year! I'm not going to go as far as saying it was easy or my heart didn't ache like crazy, but it was actually bearable this time. Partially because of our big announcement to my family: The little angel Hailey has sent us is a BOY!!! (I'll give more details and my feelings on this little bundle of joy in my next post.)

As for Christmas, I think the anticipation was much, much worse than the actual day. I just kept thinking of how ridiculously heart wrenching and excruciatingly painful last year was, which caused me to be terrified for this year. I remember sleeping for 5 hours that day, while the rest of my family took care of my girls. Then, that evening laying in a ball on my bathroom floor and crying so hard I got a bloody nose. But, this year, now that all is said and done, I must say I'm a little proud of myself and how far I've come! Yes, it hurt. And yes, I wondered all day about Hailey and how she would have fit into the mix had she been here. And yes, I missed her like absolute crazy. But, no, not in a hopeless, depressing way. Instead, I felt hopeful and a sense of peace in my heart for my little angel.

I decided to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, which is the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and what that really means for Hailey and my family. Because of such a profound event, one like none other, Hailey and I will be back together again one day in total happiness. Not to mention, that I'm sure her Christmas was much more "beau'ful" than I could even begin to imagine from here. I know, literally without a shadow of a doubt, that she still lives and is happier in Heaven than she could ever be here on the Earth. Not that it always makes it easy on me or that I'm completely okay with it, but that knowledge will do for now.

Last night, on Christmas Eve, we brought down our life sized cardboard cutout of Hailey and sat it in a chair in our living room. Of course, that may seem very weird, or even crazy, to some people, but it really brought a huge sense of peace to me. Last year, I couldn't even look at it of without being reduced to sobs, but this year it made me smile! I honestly felt like she was right there with us, which I know she was. And she will continue to sit with us every Christmas from now until we meet again! I know that when the day comes that I'll get to see her and hold her in my arms, she'll remember every Christmas we had since she was gone, because she really never was gone!

We still include Hailey in all of our family things. For example, our yearly ornament exchange; every year we each pick a family member, in secret, and buy them an ornament representing something from that year. Well, we do still include Hailey in that exchange, and always will. I want her to have her own ornaments and continue to be represented on our tree, as we all are. We also take whatever money we would have used to buy her Christmas gifts and donate it to our foundation in her honor.

Of course, we went to visit her today at her place and it was absolutely "beau'ful. The cemetery couldn't have been more peaceful and beautifully decorated. Not to mention, all the wonderful people who stopped by and dropped off little tokens and notes of love! It made my day to think that others would take the time to remember her and us on such a special day. I also found a dime there!! As most of you know, we just got over having 5 straight days of torrential rains, which basically destroyed her place. I still stopped by every day or two to clean up what I could, even though it was raining. We always had 2 loose dimes, tails up, laying on her headstone that someone had left there while visiting. Well, after the rains they were long gone and no where to be found. I was there yesterday and dug all around her stone, cleaned up all the leaves, wiped all her little knickknacks off and polished her stone to perfection! Then I left a huge bouquet of flowers and an adorable Santa and reindeer balloon. Well, today when we came back to visit, I walked over to her stone and sure enough there was a dime, half buried in the dirt, by the upper corner of her stone. She was there...I know it!

Anyways, thank you all so very much for your supportive words, emails, texts, phone calls, letters, and silent prayers. Each one made an impression on my heart and helped me to have a "beau'ful" day!

Merry Christmas!

Hailey with us on Christmas.

Hailey is sending us a little boy!

Hailey's Place decorated with love.

Merry Christmas Sweet Angel

Can you see the tiny dime in the upper right hand corner of her stone?

It looks like she's happy with her decorations!

(Her Christmas tree even has solar powered lights that come on at night!)

We miss you baby girl.

Lexi with her little sister.

Grammies and Grampies

Auntie Kim

My dime!!!!!

Feeling A Little Uneasy

2010-12-23T00:22:00.000-08:00

Normally I would be asleep by now, but not tonight. It's 12:01am to be exact, and my heart is full of longing for my little Hailey. Christmas is only 3 days away and I'm missing her and aching for her more and more each day. As much as I want to think this Christmas is going to be easier than last, I have to admit that I'm feeling very uneasy about it. Every time I think of last year my stomach does somersaults and my heart aches. It was definitely the most excruciating day of my entire life, aside from the actual day Hailey passed away.

Although, I don't outwardly show it, I am still carrying a lot of pain and heartache with me every single second of every single day. Having both girls home this past week and all next week leads me to constantly wonder where Hailey would have fit into the mix. What would we all be doing together? Would Hailey and Lexi actually be getting along and playing together, instead of Lexi playing by herself? I was home with Hailey all day everyday for three years, which means that I face her loss all day, everyday now. Sometimes its hardest when Lexi is at school and Ava is napping and its just me alone, yet other times its hardest when we're all together as a family and she's missing.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive and focus on the good things about this year. Thanksgiving went very well, better than I had expected. And the fact that we were just able to help five other families in need with donations given to us in Hailey's honor is definitely uplifting, not to mention, this new little baby on the way. But, even those things don't come close to taking away that emptiness I feel inside for Hailey.

Christmas shopping was very difficult for me. As I made out lists of what to get the girls and then walked the aisles of the stores, I couldn't help but look around and wonder what Hailey would have wanted. What would have brought her beautiful smile out on Christmas morning?

I absolutely hate the fact that I have to spend another Christmas (the rest of my Christmases) without her here. I absolutely hate the fact that I didn't get to see her sit on Santa's lap excitedly telling him what she wants. I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to tuck her into her warm bed in her new p.j.'s on Christmas eve and kiss her little head as she is bouncing with anticipation for the following morning. I absolutely hate the fact that I don't get to watch her face light up as she races down the stairs on Christmas morning to open her presents. And I absolutely hate the fact that I have to go visit my precious daughter at the cemetery on Christmas.

Gosh, I hate to be a downer so close to Christmas, but it's rough. There's so much joy and excitement around during the holidays and I'm trying my best to take that in and remember all the things I still have to be grateful for. I love my family so much and I am thrilled to be able to spend Christmas with them! I still have two beautiful girls here and a new baby on the way! And my husband is the most wonderful, supportive man I could ask for! Plus, I still have so much support from all of you who continue to stand beside me and walk this journey with me. Thank you for that.

Anyways, the anticipation and uneasiness of Christmas Eve and Day is practically killing me, so I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm praying my little heart out that it will be a little easier than last year and I won't have another emotional breakdown like I did then. But, I am nervous.

The one thing that has given me just a little comfort here and there is a poem I posted last year around Christmas that I'll share in closing:

Christmas In Heaven

I see so many Christmas trees
around the world below.

With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular!
Please wipe away that tear.

For I am spending Christmas,
with Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs,
that people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,
with the Christmas choir here.

I have no words to tell you
the joy their voices bring.

For it's beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me.
I see pain in your heart.

And even though I'm far away,
we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me special one.
You know I hold you dear.

Be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year!

I'm sending you a special gift
from my heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory
of my undying love.

Please don't forget "love" is the gift
more precious than all gold.

It was always most important
in the stories God has told.

Please love and treat each other
As God has said to do.

For I cannot count the blessings
or the love He's sent for you.

So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear.

Remember that I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year!

Five Hailey's Halos Given Out!!!

2010-12-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

Well tonight we gave out 5 more "Hailey's Halos!" What a beautiful way to start a Christmas week, that would otherwise be quite difficult. First, before I tell you about the families, I want to extend a special thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have helped to make these opportunities possible. We could never do this on our own. It is all because of your generous donations, participation in Hailey's race, support, and prayers that we have been able to touch these peoples lives. May God bless you and your families for your continued love and compassion in honor of our precious Hailey.

(I am going to keep the names of these families anonymous for their own privacy, however they have all agreed to share their stories and pictures on Hailey's Foundation website! You can find the link on the right hand side of my blog.)

The first family we "haloed" has 4 children. Their second child is a 5 year old little girl who found out 2 weeks after her 5th birthday that she had bone cancer in one of her legs. Although the doctors ended up having to amputate her leg, she has been an amazing inspiration to her family. Her spirit has not wavered and her mom even said that she's been trying to do cartwheels. We happened to call at the perfect time because they currently have a leak in their house that desperately needs to be fixed, but they couldn't afford it due to medical expenses. It was such an honor to be able to give them some money to help out and also acknowledge their faith and strength! They were so grateful and will hopefully have a wonderful Christmas!

The second halo was given to a single mom who has a daughter with Trisomy 18. Apparently, she was not supposed to survive past the age of 1, but is still living and thriving at the age of 5. She was nominated by her daughter's paternal grandmother because her son (the father of the little girl) has chosen to walk away from the situation. This grandmother continues to support her grandson and his mother in the best way she can, but unfortunately they are both dealing with some major financial struggles. The mother was devastated that she couldn't afford to give her precious child a Christmas. She was so thrilled and grateful to have received this Halo!!

The third family has a child who has many health struggles. He was in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy for three hours a week until their insurance copay became beyond what they could afford. This situation is one that's dear to my heart because Hailey was in 5 hours of therapy a week, which drastically changed her life and gave her the ability to do so many things she would have struggled with. Unfortunately, this precious little boy hasn't been to therapy is several months now due to the financial strain it has put on the family. They were so surprised and honored to have been nominated and chosen to receive a halo!

Next on our list was a little girl, age 2, with brain cancer. Unfortunately, the type of cancer she has is wrapped around her brain stem, inoperable, and incurable. The doctor told her family there was nothing more they could do and that they should go home and enjoy every moment with their little girl. As her mother started researching the cancer online, she found a doctor in Texas that does alternative medicine and was able to cure several children of "incurable" cancer. Of course, insurance didn't pay a dime of it, so the family pooled together everything they had and ventured forward in the journey. As of now, their daughter is symptom free!!! Their one dream is to take her to Disneyland, which they posted on their blog. When we talked to the mother she was telling us how she just put the entire trip on her credit card and was going to deal with it later. Well, later actually came sooner because we were able to help her pay that trip off and make her dream come true!! She just cried and thanked us over and over. It was such a beautiful experience.

Our last halo was to a family who had a son born 70 days early. He was still in the NICU fighting for his life when they were nominated, but upon talking with the family we learned that he passed away a few days ago. This was a tough call because the emotions were still so painful and raw. They originally said they felt that they shouldn't accept the donation because their son was no longer here, but of course we insisted. They were so touched and with tears flowing we were grateful to hopefully give them one tiny moment of joy this Christmas season.

The choice Sean and I made to start this foundation in Hailey's honor has been one of the best decisions we've ever made in our lives. Although at times its painful, and I wish we never had to take this road, it has also been full of miracles, joys, and healing. We are so blessed to have such supportive and compassionate people in our lives to help make this foundation a reality. And again, I'll never say it enough, thank you so much to all of you!!!!

Hailey's Christmas Dress

2010-12-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I went shopping with some of my girlfriends for our monthly "Girl's Night." As we were browsing through the store I found the most adorable Christmas dress for Ava. I debated buying it and then decided against it because I hate spending money on clothes that I know will only get worn once or twice, and realistically this dress was one of them. So I put it back and continue browsing.

Next thing I know I come across the same exact dress in Lexi's size. This is rare because Lexi is seven and Ava is two so the style of clothes between those two ages aren't usually the same. So then I started re-debating buying the dresses because Lexi, even at seven, loves to match Ava. She's always trying to get me to dress Ava in the same or similar outfit as she's wearing that day. Anyways, I considered it more (I know...a lot of thought over a dress!) and then thought of Hailey.

The Valentine's Day before Hailey died I looked EVERYWHERE for three matching dresses to get the girls' pictures in, but couldn't find anything. Eventually I settled on three similar dresses and called it a day. So I kind of felt that finding three adorable Christmas dresses in the exact sizes I needed for the three girls was almost like a sick joke. I'll be honest, it hurt. I didn't expect it to hurt so bad or affect me in such a harsh way, but it did. I couldn't imagine only buying two of the dresses without one for Hailey, but on the other hand, why would I buy the one for Hailey since she's not here to wear it? I debated if it was crazy to even consider it. Was I being ridiculous or in major denial? Was it creepy? Why did I even have to think about dumb stuff like this? How unfair.

One of my favorite things in the world was taking pictures of my girls all together, so every time I take a picture of Lexi and Ava it stabs my heart...especially if they were matching. I know it's something I'm going to have to figure out and accept because I have a lifetime of pictures without Hailey and I can't not take pictures of my other kids because she's not in them. Anyways, it's just one of those stupid issues that come with losing a child that I'm just going to have to deal with...for the rest of my life. :(

So, back to the dresses...I ended up buying all three. I just couldn't bear to only buy two when I have three beautiful girls. Now came the next debate...What do I do with Hailey's dress? I was trying to think of a way I could incorporate it into the picture without it seeming too weird, but couldn't come up with anything.

As I was discussing my ideas and options with my friends, one of them said, "Why don't you find a family in need who can't afford to buy their little girl a special Christmas dress? Then you could donate it to them in Hailey's honor?" Ding, Ding, Ding...Jackpot. I loved the idea!! This way a wonderful little girl can look "beau'ful, as Hailey would say, and as Hailey is, for Christmas!

So all that being said, or typed, I have no idea how or where to find this little girl. I asked Hailey to help me and now I'm asking all of you for your help. If you know of a deserving little girl, who's family cannot afford to buy her a "beau'ful" Christmas dress, please email me at the address on the top of my blog. If I receive more than one request, I'll put the names in a hat and draw one. I'm totally willing to send it wherever it needs to go, so it doesn't matter where you live. The only thing I'm hoping is that the family would be willing to send me a picture of the little girl wearing it, so I can see her smile and think of Hailey, but that's not a requirement!

Wow...such a big fuss over buying a Christmas dress, huh? But I'm hoping all the fuss will result in a special little girl looking "beau'ful" and having a special Christmas in honor of my little Hailey!

Here's the famous dress. (It's a size 4)

P.S. I decided to dress Lexi and Ava in their dresses and take their picture at Hailey's Place so she can still be a part of it!

Thanksgiving Weekend and a Really Neat Dime Story

2010-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

I know I'm a little late for a Thanksgiving post, but I've been meaning to get around to it, so here I am. This year was quite uneventful (in a good way). I have to say, that unlike Halloween, it was easier to get through this Thanksgiving than last year's. I still have so much to be grateful for and I've learned to really focus on those things because you never know when one of them will be taken in an instant. I've become so aware that no matter how bad life can be or seem, it can definitely always get worse. So I'm trying to keep gratitude in my heart and enjoy my family the most because everything else is just material things. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're nice to have, but most can be replaced...people, family, cannot...Ever.

We always go to a little town called Solvang, up near Santa Barbara, each year from the Friday to Sunday after Thanksgiving. Last year was literally excruciating for me. I wrote a post about it back then, but haven't gone back to read it. Actually, I haven't gone back to read any of my posts yet because each and every memory and moment is still much too painful for me to relive...even the positive ones. The emotions attached are still so strong. I guess that's why this blog is good for me. One day I'll be able to go back and relive this journey, but for now, I'm just getting through every "today."

Anyways, back to Solvang. Last year I remember walking through all the little shops reminiscing about Hailey and wondering what she would have been doing. It had only been three months since she had passed away, so as you can imagine the emotions were still very fresh and raw. It took all I had to keep from breaking down into hysterical sobs at each new Christmas song I heard. Eventually the pain did become too great and I completely broke down. I sat outside in the courtyard of our hotel and cried hysterically. It was tough. Just writing about the memory makes my eyes well with tears.

But this year was different. It was a little easier, which I hate to say or admit because in a lot of ways it scares me. I'm so torn because I relish those days where the agony isn't so profound because the relief is much needed, but on the other hand, I dread them because I'm so afraid it means I might be "getting over it." Of course, I'll NEVER get over it, but this is just uncharted territory that I'm not used to dealing with.

So, while in Solvang, of course, I was looking for my dime. I kept begging Hailey to send me a dime so I knew she was there and was going to continue to join us every year, even if only to drop off that little token of love. As I walked through the little streets and shops my eyes were crazily scanning the ground the entire time, but to no avail. So I was pretty bummed, to say the least. I was also a little worried that maybe she was forgetting about us.

Later in the evening, Sean, my sister, and I decided to check out an Indian Casino down the street. (Thanks Mom and Dad for babysitting!) I instantly perked up because I thought if there was anywhere I was bound to find a dime, it was in a casino. Well, I quickly discovered that technology has also taken over the casino world and no machines took coins. Seriously? Not to mention, they had no dime slot machines, only pennies, nickels, and quarters. Every machine only takes bills and whatever you win comes out in a receipt that you have to cash in...no more jingling of the coins as they all pour out. My hopes were dashed. But...knowing Hailey, I should have had a little more faith. After about a half hour there, Kim went and found a quarter slot machine she wanted to play. I sat down next to her to watch. After about 5 minutes I happened to look down and see a white receipt in the bottom of the machine. I asked her if it was hers and she said it wasn't and that she hadn't even notice it. So, I picked it up hoping it was someone's million dollar winnings. Well, it was way better than that!!! It was for .10!!! Yes, ten cents...a dime, if you will!

I couldn't believe it! What are the odds that we would happen to sit at the one quarter slot with a receipt for 10 cents left there? My spirits soared and I was thrilled for the rest of the trip. (Oh, and I didn't cash it in. I had to keep the proof on that one.)

Way to be creative Hailey! I love you baby girl.

The aMAYZing Race

2010-11-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

Wow! I don't even know where to begin or how to put this experience into words. I guess the first thing to say is thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart to all of you who supported us in this cause. I have so many good people in my life. I don't know how I got so lucky in the area, but the Lord has truly blessed me abundantly. Family, friends, and strangers alike supported us in so many different ways. Many drove the 6 1/2 hour drive to The Valley of Fire State Park so they could be there personally to run, walk, or volunteer in Hailey's honor. Then there were those who couldn't physically make it there, but still took the time out of their busy Saturday to show their love and support by walking/running the race from wherever they were! One of my best friends and her neighbor ran the 5K in 40 degree weather outside of Boston, just so they could be a part of this event and show their support!!! They even made shirts with Hailey's picture on it! Getting the text with that picture brought the hugest smile to my face. Lastly, there were so many of you who sponsored a US troop overseas in Afghanistan. They also ran at the same time as us from where they were stationed. The love and support we received has been overwhelming and I'm still having trouble finding the words to truly express my gratitude.

The scenery was absolutely breathtaking, but the terrain these runners had to conquer was not easy...very hilly and windy. Being at the race was somewhat surreal to me. We've been talking about it and promoting it for months now, so to see how it all came together was awesome. The amount of work that went into making this race possible was beyond what I could have even imagined, yet my husband pulled it off, with the help of a very special friend...Thank you Tracy! There were 368 participants, representing 3 countries and 39 states. Amongst all those aMAYZing runners, we had a man with a prosthetic leg run the entire marathon. It was such an emotional moment seeing him cross that finish line with his arms in the air and the look of pride on his face. There was also a 4-year old little girl...the same age as Hailey would be now...who RAN the entire 5K! After running, she came up to me and handed me a dime and said, "This is from Hailey." I was in awe of her. (Oh, and that was her second 5K, by the way!) The last runner to finish was a woman in her late 60's who also completed the entire marathon!

I have to share a truly aMAYZing experience that I had. First off, I am so very embarrassed to say that I considered leaving before the race ended. We had been up since 4:15 in the morning and by then it was after 1:00pm, plus there were only a few more runners out. I was exhausted, not feeling so great (Don't forget I'm pregnant now!) and had a 6 hour drive home. I rationalized to myself that not every single person who ran the race was running for Hailey. This particular race has been going on for many years now, so I knew that some of the runners were regulars. I figured it wouldn't really matter that much if I left a little early. (Gosh, I am so humiliated to admit that and feel absolutely horrible and selfish that I even thought that way, but I'm only telling you all this because the rest of the story is too great not to share.) Well something inside me said that I needed to wait to see every single runner cross that finish line...every single participant was just as important as the next. So I did. I stayed. And the last lady to finish was the woman in her late 60's who had just completed the entire marathon. First, I have to say that seeing her cross that finish line brought out such emotion and pride in me. I wasn't expecting that at all. Then, something I was expecting even less occurred. That same lady walked up to me, asked me if I was Hailey's mom, and when I said yes, she took a dime out of her pocket, handed it to me and said, "Here, I ran with this in my pocket for 26.1 miles in honor of your little girl." (Okay, the tears are flowing right now as I type this.) I almost fell over. I couldn't believe it! I was absolutely speechless at the irony of the entire moment. Here I was going to selfishly leave before she made it back, thinking she wouldn't really care if I was there or not, and yet she was running with this dime in her pocket the entire time. Let me just say, that was one of those life changing moments that I will NEVER forget. That dime holds a special place in my heart and home.

Now, speaking of dimes...I asked Hailey just to send me one dime that day so I knew she was there. After arriving, Tracy (the wonderful lady in charge of the race) made an announcement to everyone introducing Sean, Lexi, Ava, and I as Hailey's parents. (That was quite emotional in itself.) After the announcement, groups of people I have never met before started walking up to me and handing me dimes! It was so awesome. She not only sent me one dime...she showered me with them!!! I love her. I haven't had a chance to count how much money I received in dimes yet, but I decided to use them to buy something really special to leave at her place as a memento of all those people who supported her and her family. I'll update you all and post a picture when I decide what to get.

I'm still not sure how much money we raised for Hailey's Foundation, but the one thing I am sure of is that I can't wait to start using it to give out "halos!" Christmas is the hardest time of the year for me without my little Hailey around, so I think being able to help others with her foundation will definitely bring a lot of joy. (Probably even more to me than those we're helping!) I will keep you all updated on all the halos we give out so you can see the difference that your hard earned money is making to those special people in need of a little extra love. Who would have ever imagined that so much good could come from something so tragic. That being said, I want to close by saying, Thank again...thank you, thank you, thank you...for all your continued love and support. None of this would be possible without all of you. May God bless you and your families for your compassion towards those who are struggling in life.

P.S. I hope to see you all there next year at the 2nd Annual aMAYZing Race!!!

A few photos:

Our Family

Check out that scenery.

Hailey's two sisters representing her cause.

About to start the race!

Lexi came in first in the Kid's Fun Run!

(Way to represent! Hailey would be so proud.)

Hailey's flag flew at the finish line.

(It's in the bottom right hand corner.)

It Doesn't Always Get Easier With Time

2010-11-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. I have to say, that in a lot of ways, that for me personally, it has gotten a little harder. It could have to do with the pregnancy, but honestly, I don't think it's all that. I'm definitely more emotional and quick to shed tears, but it's the deep rooted pain that seems to be the worst.

I used to always say that I wish I'd cry easier and now that it's happening I'm not so sure I want that. It's very rare that I cry in front of people, for any reason, but especially Hailey. I'm not sure why...maybe because I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. You know how when you're trying so hard not to cry and someone gives you a hug and it just causes the tear ducts to overflow?...well, maybe that's what I'm so scared of. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable. I mean, honestly, it would make me uncomfortable if I were them. I've personally experienced losing a child, yet I still don't think I'd know exactly what to say or how to comfort someone else going through it. So how is someone who's never been there supposed to help comfort the sobbing mess that would be me? Anyways, I do find myself crying pretty much everyday. Sometimes at the most random times and things. Sometimes much more than others.

I just miss her soooooooo much. Some days it is almost unbearable. I get so lonely without her, especially when Ava is napping for several hours and I'm home. The funny thing is that I'm not lonely being "alone," I'm just lonely being without her, if that makes any sense. Being with other people or keeping busy doesn't help with this kind of loneliness because it's all about her. I want her.

I think part of the reason I feel so lonely without her and I miss her so much is because it feels like she's slowly slipping away from me. Not her spirit, but her as a human being. I knew her as a 3-year old. I knew her likes and dislikes, the things that excited her, the things that made her yell her cute little head off, etc. But now, when I think about her I'm lead to wonder who she would be today. I can't answer any of those above questions for Hailey as she would be today and honestly, that sucks. It hurts. I often find myself looking around when we're together as a family and wondering where she would be in the mix. What would she be doing at that moment? What would she be saying? Even, where would she be sitting?

I know it's not good to dwell on those thoughts and I don't. But I do think them about a hundred times a day. It's the not knowing, the wondering that kills me sometimes. I try to tell myself that there's no point even going there because that Hailey didn't and doesn't exist right now, but really, I dare anyone in my shoes to try not going there! It's almost impossible.

Anyways, I just had to share all that and get it off my chest. My faith is still as strong as ever. Hailey is still spiritually as close as ever...the proof is in the dimes I still find just when I need them! But the grief and pain is also still as strong as ever.

Maybe even a little stronger sometimes.